Modesty is a big "buzz" word on Christian women's blogs. We're all supposed to want to be modest (which I agree with), but often the definition of modesty is something which I find completely unreasonable, and rather off-putting.
A friend of mine, whom I would consider very modest but stylish, took her pre-teen daughter to a mother-daughter event recently. Originally the daughter had been asked to model, but at the last minute they found someone else to fill in in her size, so told her they didn't need her.
My 11-year-old friend was devastated, until she saw the actual fashion show. And then she was so appalled by the clothes that she whispered to her mother: "I'm so glad they didn't ask me to model after all! I'd be so embarrassed if I were up there!"
Now I wasn't at that event, so I didn't see first hand, but apparently the clothes were layered to the nth degree and so long and bulky that they looked like sacks.
I've been on other women's blogs that seem to be pushing the idea that if we're not dressing modestly--and by that they have a very narrow definition of modest--then we're not being Christian. And so I'd like to spell out my philosophy on this, just to inspire debate, and to perhaps free some of you who aren't comfortable with this line of thinking but aren't sure where else to go.
First, I do think modest should mean no cleavage, and no drawing attention to particular parts of the body deliberately. So no super-tight T-shirts, no low-cut shirts that look more like bikini tops, no super short skirts or shorts, and no tank tops (UPDATE:I meant to say tube tops. We here in Canada used to call tube tops tank tops, but I know tank tops are something different now. Sorry for the confusion!). I'd even be careful with sleeveless dresses. For swimming, I'd steer clear of bikinis, and even some one-pieces, and go with some flattering tankinis, which are often prettier and which often have bottoms that go down a little bit further. I find most people look better in these anyway.
But to say much more than that, I think, puts women in a bind, sounds very legalistic, and can be dishonouring to our men.
For instance, I've seen some women say that we should only wear skirts. Really? Personally I wear skirts most of the time in the summer, because finding shorts that fit is difficult, and I love skirts. So I'm not against skirts in the least. But to say that all women should wear skirts because it's more feminine is really strange. A nicely cut pair of jeans with a pretty blouse in my opinion is far more feminine than a shapeless denim skirt.
Similarly, to say that one can't wear any pants that fit well because they would draw attention to one's *ahem* behind is thus saying that we should all wear sacks. Now I certainly don't think that we should wear tight clothes. But there is a difference between tight and clothes that simply fit. My daughter told me about a blog post she read on a popular teenage girl blog that said that if you can't pinch your pants and find a few inches, it's too tight. How many girls are really going to follow that?
But here's another question: do we really want to give the impression that Christians are dowdy spoilsports, because that seems to be what we're doing. As a married Christian woman, I feel that my responsibility is to dress modestly but fashionably. I want my husband to be proud of me, and if I were only wearing denim skirts with button down blouses, he would not be proud to take me out in public. I would stand out like a sore thumb. And so I go out of my way to try to wear things that are pretty and flattering but that don't cling too much, show cleavage, or come up too high on the thigh.
I think sometimes that the Christian wives who advocate the long, shapeless skirt look with the baggy t-shirt forget something. The rationale for dressing modestly is that because men are visually stimulated, we shouldn't dress to stimulate them. Okay so far.
But if we admit that men are visually stimulated, then don't we also owe it to our husbands to look our best? And how many husbands like walking around with wives who are dressed in shapeless clothes?
Now, I know many of the people who advocate wearing skirts do not wear shapeless ones, and I'm not trying to say that you're wrong. I think longer skirts can still be fashionable, if they're cut correctly, and you can wear lovely shaped blouses to go with them that do flatter your figure.
For instance, the True Femininity blog, written by a 21-year-old, has an "Outfit of the Day" recurring theme where she shows a modest but fashionable outfit. Here's one from June:
Lovely. But many of the "skirts only" blogs that I've read, and that my daughter has seen, really do advocate skirts resembling potato sacks, that look as if they were bought in thrift stores.
I don't think that's the image that Christians should be presenting. Why not just look fashionable, attractive, and fun, without trying to look sexy? Looking like you put some care into your appearance says that you respect yourself and you respect your husband.
My friend Terry, over at Breathing Grace, wrote a post recently where she said that her standard of beauty is her husband. She wears what he likes, because he's the one that really matters, and I like that conviction. Sometimes when we think about all this "modesty" stuff, I think we do it without male input. We say we're trying to protect men by not being tempting, but I wonder how many of the wives have ever asked their husbands honestly if they like the "sack" look, or if they would prefer that their wives be a little more attractive? I think many women get caught up in this "modesty" movement online, and in their little cliques, and they barge right ahead without asking the guys.
Finally, there's one other thing that concerns me, and this is perhaps the largest issue. This world is in desperate need of help. All around us families are breaking up, debt is ruining people's lives, addictions are taking over. And that's only in the neighbourhood. On a worldwide scale, wars are being fought, persecution is rampant, and injustice abounds.
This world needs Christians to become engaged, to be good role models, and to be outspoken (in a gentle way) for what is right. That means that we have to be people that others respect. We need to be people that others will look at and admire. And I don't think that it's flighty of me to say that part of that admiration will be tied in to how we look. If we show up looking like we have never cut our hair (let alone put conditioner in it) and as if we are wearing sacks, then why would people want to listen to us?
When you dress that way and present yourself that way, you make your world smaller. You tend to retreat into your family or your church because that is safe, and that is where you fit in. You don't fit into the wider world anymore.
That's not right. We need people who will speak up and who will be role models. We need to stop shrinking. Certainly retreating is easier and less messy, but it is not what we are called to be. We are called to be "in" the world. We don't let its values dictate ours; we don't follow after the world's idols. But we must still be "in" it. We must not shrink our own world, and that is what we do when we adopt too narrow a definition of what is acceptable clothing.
So what would I recommend? If you're married, talk to your husband about what sort of dress he considers modest and fashionable. Take a friend with you who is fashionable and go shopping and get some clothes that actually fit. Get a nice haircut (you can go to a haircutting school if you can't afford a salon). Treat your body as if you respect it, not as if you're ashamed of it. And let's stop using Christianity as an excuse to look dowdy.
Fashionable and feminine while still being modest. That, I think, is what we should be doing. And, by the way, there's really nothing wrong with a good pair of jeans!
UPDATE:I'm just going to chime into the comments now (it's Sunday morning). I've been away with my hubby for a few days, and I missed all the discussion! Sorry.
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Have you ever noticed how good looking forensic scientists are? I was unaware of this remarkable fact until a recent stay in a hotel allowed me to catch a few episodes of CSI (we don’t have a television at home). And while my initial thought was, “boy that’s graphic,” my take-away was, “Wow, they’re all gorgeous.” Were I at a murder scene, I doubt I’d be wearing heels and a designer suit, let alone look like I just left the hairdresser’s. Apparently, though, when examining a corpse for foreign substances, mascara is a must.
I’m not sure if men truly appreciate how insecure we women are about our appearance. Sure, they'd like six-pack abs, and a full head of hair would be nice, but that’s nothing compared to all the hype we have to meet. It starts as a little girl, when we’re presented with our first Barbie. For those of you who did not have the opportunity to become intimately acquainted with her, she’s a mutant. Were she life size, she would be 44-12-22, and certain anatomical features, prominent on the upper half of her body, would prevent her from standing upright.
For the last few months I’ve been pounding out a manuscript for a book that’s coming out next year called The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex. And in writing it, I took surveys of a few thousand men and women. One of the things that saddened me in reading through the answers was how many women are berated by their husbands for not losing weight. Their husbands tell them that they’re not attracted to them anymore because they’re not a size 4. Or they question their menu choices at restaurants.
I can see both sides of the story here: I know it’s hard for men when their wives let themselves go, because men do like to appreciate women’s bodies. But here’s the thing: it does men absolutely no good to harp on their wives about it. In fact, it makes things worse. Many women want to lose weight but they can’t seem to motivate themselves to do anything about it, which leads us on a vicious spiral downward. If husbands then start withholding affection, or questioning menu choices at restaurants, we'll feel even more insecure. And that’s not going to motivate her to try something as life altering as losing weight!
Two things, I think, help a woman actually get motivated to lose weight: feeling closer to God and thus more aware of her role as a wife, and feeling sexually confident. When we are sexually confident, we want to be MORE sexy. When we are sexually scared, or feel as if we’re pretty pathetic, we tend to retreat even more. If guys would just listen to me about this, here's the advice I would give them:
Spend lots of time wooing her, trying new things, talking about what plus sized lingerie you like, and pursuing her. And give her a budget to buy clothes that make her look dynamite! (Lots of clothes are out there for large women). Doing so doesn’t mean that you’ve resigned yourself to the extra 100 pounds; doing so means that you’re saying, “I want you to feel confident, and I want our sex life to be great”.
Then make sure you’re leading the household: in devotions, in prayer, even in menu choices. As you do these things, and grow closer to her, I think you build communication so you can talk about it, but you also build her confidence so that she is now empowered to change. But above all, love her as she is. It's acceptance that helps people feel motivated to get better, not rejection. Rejection causes insecurity, resentment, and defeat. Acceptance makes one feel confident.
Unfortunately, I don't think many men would listen to me on this, as is evidenced by the number of women describing how much their husbands put down their appearance.
So here's what I would say to you women who are struggling with how you look: go out of your way to look amazing, even if you are 100 pounds more than you'd like to be. Dress well. Put on makeup. Get an attractive hair style. Take care of yourself. So much of "sexiness" is all in attitude, anyway. And as you feel more confident, you'll likely feel more energetic, too. Looks should never define us, but let's face it: in marriage, they do play a role. Men are visually stimulated. So do all you can to stimulate your man! When you feel more confident, it will be easier to make pretty much any change you've been wanting to.
Now I want to know: how do you handle it if your husband puts you down because of your weight? Has this ever happened to you? What did you do? Maybe your experiences can help someone else!
What advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. But for the last two weeks I've been touring around Alberta for Girls Night Out, and trying to get my book manuscript in, so I haven't had time to write anything brilliant! Here's one I hope squeaked through without anyone thinking it was too lame. It was based on a conversation I had in a van with some guys on the road crew. See what you think of this one, compared to my usual columns!
Today I was sucked into a heated discussion with a guy about appreciating feminine beauty. “You know what really bugs me?” he said. “I hate it when men say ‘my wife looks prettier today than she did the day I met her.’ He met her at 22! Now she’s got a walker!” Sure, he acknowledges, her husband may love her more, but that doesn’t mean she’s prettier.
Then I asked that very dangerous question, “when do women stop getting prettier?”, to which he refused to give a straight answer, which was probably in his best interests since at the time he was talking to a woman now past forty. I wanted some assurance that I still had some good years left.
Despite what that guy thinks (and what does he know, anyway, since he’s only a guy), I don’t think I’m completely over the hill yet. A study of 2000 British men and women released last summer found that women are at their most beautiful not at 18 or 21 but at 31. It takes a while for women to find their stride, where they’re comfortable enough in their bodies, and they’re not trying to be skanky anymore.
I suppose theoretically 31 may be the perfect age, though it definitely wasn’t for me. I think I’ll look better at 41 (which is now only a few short months away) than I did at 31. At least I sure hope I do, since the photo we have of me at 31 up on the wall causes my kids to burst into laughter every time they pass it by. Sometimes they deliberately take their friends upstairs to gaze at it: “See, my mom was hideous once!”
Beauty has much less to do with age and much more to do with stage in life. When you’re young and insecure, you may have a nice figure, but you’re not necessarily dressing it the best. Then when children come, everyone is so harried that beauty comes last on the list. But when the kids get older, and know how to tie their own shoes and don’t rush into the bathroom to bother you, you finally have time to try to look attractive again. Most of my friends looked better when the youngest child left toddlerhood than when the first child was born.
Perhaps it’s mean to talk of women and beauty, though, since I’m only adding to the pressure too many feel to keep up appearances. We react to this pressure in different ways: we either put too much emphasis on beauty, starving and bankrupting ourselves to live up to Barbie’s 44-12-22 standard, or we just give up and let ourselves go.
Personally, I wasn’t happy when I let myself go. During those years I would have told you I was too busy to find earrings or apply makeup or do something as mundane as brushing my hair, but looking back, I think I could have taken the time. And it would have helped me to feel more confident as a woman. Yes, beauty is fleeting, and yes, it should never be the standard for a woman’s worth. But there is something innate about women that makes us want to be beautiful. And there is something innate about men that wants to appreciate it. And so I will continue to explore all the different hair colours Revlon has to offer, and have fun at Mary Kay parties, and buy pampering, scented bubble bath, because I like looking my best. After all, I want my husband to look at me and still think he’s the luckiest man in the world—even when I’m in a walker.
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It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Photo by sepblog
My husband has often told me that the most stressful time in his life--far more stressful than resuscitating babies (he's a pediatrician), dealing with seizing kids, or even dealing with problem parents--was being a grade 8 boy in a classroom full of girls with tight sweaters, and living in mortal dread that the teacher may call you up to the board at an inopportune moment. Thirteen-year-old boys can't seem to control certain body parts, if you get my drift.
That seems so implausible to us women, who aren't really that visually stimulated at all. We tend to think it's kind of shallow: what's wrong with him that he is tempted by what women look like? Shouldn't he be, well, a little deeper?
Nope. Men are visually stimulated. We may think that's stupid, or silly, or shallow, but they are. We can't change that. So as women, what should our attitudes be towards beauty, marriage, and our husbands?
Remember Proverbs 31:30?
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised (NIV).
I absolutely believe that. Our hearts matter most. But at the same time, I fear that sometimes we in the church use verses like that to say that it doesn't matter if a woman lets her appearance completely go. He's wrong to care about beauty at all.
No, he's not. That's the way he was made. And I think that when we take care of our appearance, what we're really saying is,
I care about you. I want you. I want you to be happy with me. I want to woo you.
It's part of pursuing him, which he desperately needs.
Instead of showing him that we want to look good for him, though, we often take the most pride in our appearance when we're leaving the house. But who should we be dressing up for? Shouldn't it be our husbands?
We do something similar--but on a larger scale--when it comes to those razors in our shower. Sure we shave--if someone is going to see us in a bathing suit or a tank top or shorts. But since that's not likely to happen in the middle of winter, we often let it slide, even if it means our legs are hardly smooth. I wonder what our husbands think about that?
When I speak to women, I use a "Nightgown" prop. It's hideous. They say a little mystery is a good thing; this is way too much. When I hold it up, everyone laughs, and everyone can relate. Of course, some people wear flannel like this because their husbands insist on keeping the house at 50 degrees at night, and to those men, I like to say, "if you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually turn the heat up." But for the rest of us, what do you wear to bed? Do you take care to wear something attractive? Or do you just look dumpy? Because if you look dumpy, you'll feel dumpy, too.
My daughters and I love watching What Not to Wear, and I think what we love most about it is the personality transformations by the end of the show. These women, who were docile and passive, have become assertive because they know they look good. There's something to that. When we put in the effort, our whole demeanor changes.
So what do you do if your closet is full of clothes but you don't look good in any of them? Get rid of them. It's better to have five outfits that make you feel wonderful than thirty that make you feel awful. It doesn't matter if you bought it on sale. It doesn't matter if you've had it forever. Chuck it. Spend some real money on fewer clothes, rather than a little money on tons of things on sale. Or go shopping at consignment stores, where they sell second hand designer clothes. I've picked up a ton of things there, and the owners of such places are often very helpful about putting things together.
Now, what about make up? Maybe you're not a make-up person, but I think a little lipstick never hurt anyone. And remember, everyone should be wearing some sunscreen foundation or moisturizer everyday anyway, so you may as well put something on your face!
As for hair, go get a really good cut that suits you. If you can't afford it, try one of the beauty salon schools in your area. They're often cheaper, though they take longer. And you can have a friend highlight your hair. It can be like you're teenagers again!
Now let's tackle the thorniest issue: our weight. Women gain weight. We're not meant to be size 6 forever, and I think slightly pear shaped is our natural shape after 40. But that doesn't mean that we should just accept it and eat whatever we want. I think we owe it to ourselves to watch what we eat and get a little active, even if it just means taking a brisk walk every night after dinner to talk with our hubby. You don't need to be super-thin; and what makes a woman attractive is often her attitude. Dress in nice clothes and feel confident, and thirty or forty pounds won't matter as much. One hundred will, though.
So, to sum up:
1.Shave your legs. Even in winter. 2. Brush your hair and put on lipstick right before you see your husband at the end of the day. Make yourself look best for him. 3. Buy fewer clothes that flatter you more. 4. Care for your body.
If women put as much effort in looking good for our husbands as we do for strangers, our marriages would be infinitely better. And we'd have awfully happy husbands!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
I don't have time to post a bunch this morning because I'm off to our homeschooling track meet, but someone sent me this link and I just have to share it.
I've been wondering lately about current fashions and whether they really are modest and proper. I've been having a hard time with the low rise pants, because I think they show way too much (plus, on most people they're not that attractive).
And I always believed that T-shirts shouldn't be form fitting. Oh, and showing your bra straps? A definite no no. Not quite as bad as showing one's underwear, including a camisole, but definitely bad. One should never give even a hint of lace.
But in the last year I've tossed almost all of those missives out the window because that's just what fashion is. I've started wearing much more form fitting clothing, and I put camisoles under V-neck shirts, and I wear some low-rise pants (though I try to get them as high as possible). And my daughters do, too.
For the current fashions, we're still pretty modest. But if five years ago you had shown me a picture of what I was wearing, or what I allowed my daughters to wear, I would have been appalled. Almost all fashions go in the face of what we've been taught about modesty.
Please understand--we never show cleavage or belly buttons, and we wear long shirts. It's really just the form fitting aspect that bothers me!
Anyway, here's a link to a modesty survey that was done recently. They asked men and teenage boys what they thought was modest, and it's interesting. Take a gander. I'd love to keep talking about this tomorrow. So if there's anything you see there that's really outrageous, or really insightful, leave it in the comments! Just go here for the survey.
Oh, and I'm working on that reading list I promised!
Next week I'm going to be speaking at a retreat using my package "Extreme Makeover: Heart Edition". (You can see a bit of it here; order a download here; or, even better, if you have a small church and want to do a women's retreat but can't afford a speaker, look at my Retreat to Go here).
Anyway, I got thinking about that in relation to a blog discussion I was reading lately about beauty and Christianity, and in relation to the discussion we had last week on whether or not appearance matters.
To me, true beauty is all about confidence. It's confidence in Jesus as the author of our life and purpose. When we know that we are here for a purpose (that exists far beyond what we look like), we are more at peace. And when we're at peace, we're confident in who we are, we don't get caught up in the little things, and we're fun to be around. And that's part of making someone beautiful! Have you ever noticed that we tend to find confident people more fun to be with, and more attractive, than those who aren't? Confident doesn't mean extraverted, either. Sometimes confident people are very quiet, because they only speak when they have something very important to say. But confident people are calming to be with, and that's a good thing.
And it's also confidence in our calling and who we are. When we are comfortable in our own skin, and with who we are, we'll tend to shine.
Those who are more comfortable tend to respect themselves, take better care of themselves, so it all spills out and runs together. Inner beauty contributes and defines outer beauty.
But when we aren't confident, when we are insecure and think our worth is based solely in beauty, we tend to overcompensate. Either we'll spend too much time on our appearance and we'll end up looking ridiculous, or we'll give up entirely and end up looking pathetic. Does that make any sense?
I don't think beauty is a core Christian value by any sense of the word. It is quite clear in Scripture that inner beauty matters. But at the same time, I do think we were created to want to be pretty. We were created to be The Beauty, the one that is romanced. It's why little girls want to play princesses, and why we like dressing up while boys don't.
And the Bible does praise many women because of their beauty (though not only because of it). So what does that mean in relation to us?
I think if we're worried about our looks, we need to start with Jesus. The closer we are to Him, the more we shine, the more confident we are in our own skin, and the more at peace we are, so that our mannerisms, our faces, even our presence is pleasing. But we also do need to respect ourselves, and I think that means at least making an effort to wear nice clothes (they don't have to be expensive; the best stuff I have I bought at a consignment store). I think it means finding things that fit and flatter, not just buying the latest styles. And that does mean that we have to do a bit of research and thinking about it (or else bring along a friend who is good at that sort of thing)! I always figure it's better to have just seven outfits in your closet that fit well and that you feel good in than 50 outfits that make you feel frumpy!
And it means being active. I'm not trying to preach exercise; I think God is far more concerned with our hearts than our waistlines. But part of respecting ourselves is just respecting our bodies and keeping them ready for service. That doesn't mean being a size 6. It does mean trying to keep cholesterol down, and prevent heart disease, so we have longer to serve Him if that's what He's called us to.
I think the problem we have with beauty is that we think it begins in the makeup aisle. It doesn't. It begins in Scripture and in figuring out who we are in Him. Remember that movie Shallow Hal, where Hal is cursed so that he only sees people based on their inner beauty, not their outer beauty? And he falls for a tremendously obese woman because to him she's Gwyneth Paltrow? And all the supermodels look like hags? There's some truth to that. I know many beautiful people that once you get to know them aren't nearly as beautiful. And one of the most beautiful women I know is quite overweight, but she is confident in Jesus, she dresses boldly, and she always has a smile and a hug for you.
So let's get more in touch with how Jesus sees us. Let's stop feeling guilty about all those stupid, silly, and very funny things you all left for me in the last blog post (thanks so much! I'm going to use that this weekend, and then I'll show you how I did)! And let's learn to respect ourselves. I think then we'll start to shine.
You see, I am torn about the issue. On the one hand, I think women berate themselves far too much on image issues. They say that weight is the number one thing women feel guilty about, as if God is more concerned with our waistlines than He is our hearts. And it is also definitely true that our insides matter more than our outsides. A truly beautiful woman is one who is gentle in spirit, true in character, loving in outlook. These things are biblical, and they come first.
But I'm uncomfortable with leaving it like that, because I know that when it comes to men, looks matter. So as a wife, what is our responsibility to look good for our husbands?
I was thrilled with all the comments I received, and I want to summarize my thinking on the issue, with some help from some of the commenters.
First, I think the issue is not what we look like but the effort we put in. Only about 1% of us will ever be able to look anything like supermodels. But as anyone who has ever watched the show What Not to Wear knows, all of us, regardless of body type or features, can make an effort to look attractive. We don't need to be Jennifer Aniston, but we can take pride in ourselves.
Here's a video that I did a while ago, if you haven't seen it yet, about how much women berate ourselves for our bodies. The point, again, is that we can't be Barbies.
So we don't want to do that. But we do want to make an effort to show our husbands that we care. I think Cassandra, in the comments, summed it up well. She said that early in the marriage she asked her husband these questions:
1. What can I do that will bring joy to your heart?
2. What can I do that will absolutely delight you?
3. I know I don't have to do any of this, but, if I have some extra time, are there desires that you have that I can attend to?
And that's her motivation for trying to look nice for him. It isn't because she's afraid of him straying. It isn't because she's shallow. It's just because she wants to present herself to him in a way that he will like, and feel special. And men are visual creatures, so appealing to his visual senses is important.
I think that's what it's all about. Do you make your husband feel special? Do you let him know by what you do that you're looking forward to seeing him again?
Carrie intimated about this when she said this:
He likes to see my eyes light up, for me to indicate he's still the desire of my heart after all these year...those are among the things he sees as beautiful, even when I'm in my favorite OLD cotton nightgown, face scrubbed and hair pulled back in a braid.
The important thing for her husband when he comes home is that Carrie looks like she's glad to see him. And let's be honest, here, women: many times we don't look it. Especially when we have small children, it's easy to get into the "you're home now, so you take the kids so I can finally get something done" mode. We don't delight in being with him again; we just push things on him as soon as he's in the door.
Part of being a good wife, then, I think, is to show your husband you love him and are eager to see him in a way that speaks to him. And taking the time in your very busy day to look presentable is one way to do that. Another Cassandra said this about her husband:
He says that men feel betrayed if they marry one thing (makeup, nice clothes, nice body) and wind up with something else 20 years later (way larger body, no makeup, sloppy clothes) that by caring for ourselves, it says volumes to them...that would never have occured to me unless he said it first...then i read it in a book later and thought, wow, guess that's across the board for most guys...
I think that's true, too. Now men don't always care for themselves, either. Many of us are married to guys who have gained 50 pounds since the wedding, and we wish they'd lose it, too. But marriage is not about only acting loving when he first does something nice. It's about taking the initiative.
So here's your challenge this week: can you take five minutes before you see your husband again, either because he's arriving home from work or because you are, and make yourself look nice for him? Can you put the effort in to show him that you were looking forward to him coming home, and then, when he gets in the door, can you show him that? Even if he doesn't respond right away? Make the effort. And then, over the next few weeks, see what happens!
Do you have your own marriage advice for us? Or would you like to respond to this post? Why not write your own Wifey Wednesday post? Just copy the picture above by right clicking it and saving it, and then go to your own blog and write your own post. Come on back here and enter the post's URL in the Mr. Linky (if it works, it's being temperamental) or in the ocmments!
Okay, ladies, I want to start an honest discussion here.
When I had my surprise party a week ago, I was presented with a beautiful scrapbook of my life, made my one of my best friends. It really was spectacular.
And as I was looking back on the years of my life, something occurred to me. I look a whole lot better at 39 than I did at 29. I was in better shape back then, mind you. It probably came from having two small children that I used to bike all around town with, me pedaling and them sitting back there in the bike trailer. I had muscle, I tell you.
But I didn't have much make-up. And my hair was straight and style-less.
I took care of myself in university well. I always had some make-up on, and I had nice clothes, even if I bought them in second hand stores (well, I still do that!). But mainly I tried to look put together.
That all stopped when the babies came. I was just too tired, and the kids would pull at my hair and wreck any jewellery I had on anyway. I didn't see the point. I was only hanging out in groups of other moms with babies, and I didn't see why I should doll myself up just for my husband, when right before he got home I was already overwhelmed trying to get dinner on the table and keep the kids occupied at the same time.
Now that I have more time, though, I've enjoyed getting my hair coloured, and putting on make-up again, and buying clothes that are more fashionable. I often find myself touching up my make-up before my husband comes home. I think it mostly is a function of time and energy, though. I just didn't have either way back then, but I do know.
Yet I wonder: how many of us go out of our way to look pretty for our husbands? And is this necessary? I know we're supposed to be beautiful on the inside; I even talk about this quite a bit. But do we take pride in ourselves and in our marriage? And should we have to?
I know some women who have never worn make-up and look fine on their own, so I'm not saying everyone should be wearing make-up. I wonder, though, if we have given up. I think I had at one point, but the truth is I've always liked playing dressup, even as a child, so it's little wonder I like thinking about outfits in the morning or trying to look pretty in the evening. I don't think it's vain; I'm honestly thinking about Keith. But should we be doing this? Is it necessary? Is it wrong to give up? Or is it wrong to try in the first place? I'd love to know what you all think!
I discovered this last year in a fit of what I thought was brilliance, when I decided to try waxing my armpits instead of shaving.
But after shaving for 25 years or so, the roots are extra heavy. You yank them out and it is awfully hard to get up the courage to wax the other one. Trust me.
Now, that's probably Too Much Information. And if so, I do apologize. But I want to share some other expertise that I have acquired over waxing.
I used to shave my legs as a teenager, but at 18 my mother told me to wax, because then the stubble wouldn't grow as fast. So I started to, and never really shaved again, petrified that I would counteract any good I had done by waxing. I had this little plug-in device called an Epilady which hurt like anything as well, but a funny thing happened. After yanking out by the roots for years, it really does stop hurting.
It's the same with waxing my eyebrows. The first time my hairdresser did it I almost hit the ceiling. Now I'm fine.
So last week, the big moment came in my relationship with my older daughter. She asked me if it was okay if she shaved her legs. I told her sure, but waxing may be a better idea. And we decided to wax together.
It was awfully funny. She laughed through the whole thing, and we had a great conversation. And the neat thing was that it didn't really hurt her at all. I guess if you never shave, it's not so bad. It's waxing after shaving that's bad.
So I have a little convert, and from now on we'll be experiencing this wonderful process together! I'm still trying to figure out why the female gender gets most of the pain and all of the beauty travails, but I'm not sure if that's a mystery that will ever be solved. Although my husband is requiring the tweezers now for all the stray eyebrows which keep growing as long as his hair! Guess he's growing old, too.
Be back tomorrow with a wrap up of Complaint Free Week!
Sorry that posting has been light, but I'm on vacation this week!
And as I've been here, we've learned something very important. My oldest daughter fits my clothes.
And we've been clothes shopping a lot, which has opened up a whole other realm of problems.
Becca hasn't bought very much, because she's on a clothing allowance. She has budgeted herself a certain amount to spend while we're here, and she wants to look around and make sure what she's getting is attractive; affordable; and unique. No sense bringing something home that she could buy there just as easily!
But down here in Hawaii everything is about boobs. You know what I mean: the deep V's, the boobs outlined, etc. etc. I know that's the fashion right now, but I'm not comfortable with it.
I don't mind deep V's if they're paired with a modest camisole, which is how she always wears them. Absolutely no cleavage is my motto. But I'm also uncomfortable with shirts, dresses and bathing suits that don't just plunge in the middle; they also plunge at the sides. If you have a wide band of fabric over the shoulder, and the dress goes nicely under the arms, you can still wear a bra and camisole. But if the dress comes down at the sides, too, so that you're seeing the side of the you-know-whats, I don't think that's right.
Becca listens to me and agrees with me on the whole, but even some of the things that are pretty and modest by comparison I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with. When we were teens fashions weren't close fitting, but now everything is. All curves are revealed.
She looks great, but I just don't know. So tell me, all of you who have gone through this or have opinions, how do you decide what to buy for your children? What do you think is modest?
I often ask my husband, since he knows what teenage boys think, and if he says it's okay, I go with him. But I'd still like some better guidelines. Anyone want to offer some?
This weekend is my 18th anniversary. It's my husband's, too! Neat how that works.
Anyway, I've been agonizing over what to get him, and on Wednesday, when I was feeling particularly like a worm of a wife, I received a phone call confirming my appointment at the spa for today. I didn't know I had an appointment. It seems my husband booked one, and was going to surprise me.
Surprise over!
But I was still happy he took such care of me, and that he wanted to pamper me. Really, I was.
But I'm not the pampering type. I try to be, but I find it very hard to relax. Nevertheless, this was a gift, so dutifully I went.
After preparing myself, of course. You can't go for a manicure and a pedicure and a facial and a massage without making sure your legs and underarms are totally shaved, and that your nails aren't gross, and that you smell nice. I basically gave myself a manicure before I left home so the manicurist wouldn't see how gross I am.
It's like tidying before the cleaning lady comes.
Anyway, I arrive, and the masseuse asks me to take off all my clothes from the waist up and lie on this nice table with lots of pillows. I guess she's used to naked women. So she leaves the room, undress, and lie there, with my head in the funny face pillow, thinking I'm going to suffocate.
She came back and gave me a wonderful massage, although I turned my head like you're not supposed to because I just couldn't breathe in that pillow.
All the while strange Indian music was playing. Do people not like Beethoven anymore?
Next it was the facial, manicure, and pedicure all at the same time! I felt like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. Remember that scene? "Eyebrows: There should be two!". The three workers all look like nurses, and I'm in what looks like a hospital bed, except that there's this little opening in it for a foot bath. They really should put that in the Emergency Rooms. It would help people calm down.
So I feel like I'm getting some MAJOR PROCEDURE done, like a hyseterectomy or something, it all looks so official.
And then, as they start, I remember something very important. I don't like people touching my feet. Especially people filing my toenails. So I had to concentrate really hard to avoid kicking the pedicure woman. She really didn't deserve that.
But while the first foot bothered me, by the second foot I was fine with it. I think, however, it was because the woman working on my face was at that time doing what she called an "extraction", which is the same thing that we called "popping blackheads" when we were 13. Remember when you used to pop them just to see how much stuff you could get out? Well, it doesn't hurt when you do it to yourself. It does hurt when someone else does it to you. So it made me forget all about my little pinky toe!
At the end one of the girls was massaging my hands, one my feet, and one my neck. It was so relaxing. And all I kept thinking was, "you know ladies, I have my knitting in my purse. Maybe it you let me sit up I could knit for a bit." But I guess that would have wrecked my nails.
And then I figured something out. I don't like people giving to me. I feel guilty relaxing. I really do. It's not just that I would rather be knitting; it's that I can't sit still.
That's not a good thing. There's nothing wrong with relaxing every now and then. There's nothing wrong with being pampered. And it was so sweet of my husband to order this, so I really should just relax.
And I did, for the last five minutes. And it was nice.
When they let me get dressed again, I looked around the room, and I saw this: Apparently electrolysis for transgendered people is big business. I suppose it is, but then I got this creepy feeling in that little room. And since I had my cell phone, I took a picture. So I started to snoop around, and I saw this little gem, too. They do electrolysis on adolescents who may be embarrassed about unwanted hair. Isn't that a little bit much? Relaxing is great. Going overboard and getting all creepy is not. So let's keep it all in perspective, and maybe do each other's nails every now and then. Mine do look great, and I've only wrecked one so far!
You go to put on your makeup and you see this THING growing out of you chin. And you say to yourself, "What is THAT?!?". And you realize it is a hair growing on the wrong part of your skull.
And in half an hour you have to go on stage with bright lights glaring at you, illuminating your visage, so that everyone in the audience can join in the incredulation as they behold this thing growing where nothing is supposed to grow.
In desperation, you place it delicately between you thumb and your forefinger and you tug. And, just like a piece of ribbon, it curls. You try again. And again. Until finally the dastardly thing is gone. And then you vow never to leave home again without a small pair of scissors in your purse to take care of such evil things in the future.
But how did this happen? Is it just age? Is this what I will be subjected to from now on? Sure, I've waxed my eyebrows for about five years now, because they were getting unruly, but hair is supposed to at least grow in the eyebrow region. It's not supposed to grow on your chin. Not if you are a woman.
My husband is noticing weird hair things, too. Recently he was brushing his hair when one of the pieces of his bangs wouldn't stay in place. He tried brushing some more. He tried wetting it. And then he realized it wasn't part of his bangs. It was an eyebrow that had grown the length of his bangs.
He has stuff coming off of the top of his ears, too. But he has so much hair you'd really never notice.
Is this what it means to get old? You have to exercise like crazy just to maintain a healthy weight, and you have hairs growing where nothing is supposed to be? Oh, well. I suppose growing old is still better than the alternative...
It's Wednesday, which means it's time to think about marriage!
Last week Terry over at Ornaments of Grace was talking about wardrobe in a wonderfully honest and humorous post. Here's part of what she said:
The other morning as I was getting dressed the husband said to me: “You need to go buy some clothes.” I responded that I really didn’t want to spend money on clothes. To which he responded, “Buy some clothes.” That’s all he said. He’s a man of few words. I got a little concerned because while I knew that I was well overdue for a shopping trip (aren’t MOST moms?), I didn’t think I was so horribly dressed as to be commanded to buy clothes and buy them now! Being the open minded gal that I am I decided to take a second look in the mirror. I was in my standard weekday uniform: jeans, t-shirt, and flip flops. It was at this moment I noted my problem.
For the record, the problem wasn’t the blue jeans per se. My husband rather likes the way I look in a pair of jeans. The problem was the lack of effort apparent in the t-shirt, flip flops, ponytail, and no make-up that accompanied the blue jeans. I had become a carbon copy of the jeans, t-shirt, and birkenstock wearing soccer moms typical in my suburban neighborhood. What's worse, I'd promised myself years ago that I would never do that. Of course, I felt that way for all the wrong reasons, being fashion conscious back then, but I felt it nonetheless. You may remember me telling you before, I hate uniforms!
Go read the whole thing.
Terry brings up something we all need to think about. Men are visually stimulated. We may think that's stupid, or silly, or shallow, but they are. We can't change that. And I think every man wants to feel that other guys are jealous of him. He wants his wife to be good-looking, and supportive, and a good mom, and fun, and all kinds of things. All of those are important. But I want to talk about our appearances first.
Do you take trouble about what you look like, or are you totally overwhelmed? This week we finally took the trouble to put all our family portraits on the wall, and it is amazing how awful I looked when the kids were young compared to what I look like today. Today I have time to put on makeup, and do my hair, and dress well. I didn't then.
Or did I? Maybe I just didn't make it as much a priority. I have other friends who managed to do it. I wish, looking back, that I had taken more care about my appearance then, because I probably would have had more confidence, too.
Terry also mentions that we often get dressed up on the weekends, when we're heading out, then on the weekdays, when we're just home with the kids. But who should we be dressing up for? Shouldn't it be our husbands? And isn't it fun to make yourself look good?
When I speak to women, I use a "Nightgown" prop. It's hideous. It's oversized, it's flannel, and it leaves everything to the imagination. They say a little mystery is a good thing; this is way too much. When I hold it up, everyone laughs, and everyone gets the picture. Of course, some people wear flannel like this because their husbands insist on keeping the house at 50 degrees at night, and to those men, I like to say, "if you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually turn the heat up." But for the rest of us, what do you wear to bed? Do you take care to wear something attractive? Or do you just look dumpy? Because if you look dumpy, you'll feel dumpy, too.
My daughters and I love watching What Not to Wear, and I think what we love most about it is the personality transformations by the end of the show. These women, who were docile and passive, have become assertive because they know they look good. There's something to that. When we put in the effort, our whole demeanor changes.
So what do you do if your closet is full of clothes but you don't look good in any of them? Get rid of them. It's better to have five outfits that make you feel wonderful than thirty that make you feel awful. It doesn't matter if you bought it on sale. It doesn't matter if you've had it forever. Chuck it.
Spend some real money on fewer clothes, rather than a little money on tons of things on sale. Or go shopping at consignment stores, where they sell second hand designer clothes. I've picked up a ton of things there, and the owners of such places are often very helpful about putting things together.
Now, what about make up? Maybe you're not a make-up person, but I think a little lipstick never hurt anyone. And remember, everyone should be wearing some sunscreen foundation or moisturizer everyday anyway, so you may as well put something on your face!
As for hair, go get a really good cut that suits you. If you can't afford it, try one of the beauty salon schools in your area. They're often cheaper, though they take longer. And you can have a friend highlight your hair. It can be like you're teenagers again!
What about weight? Let's get honest here for a minute. Women gain weight. We just do, especially after pregnancy. We're not meant to be size 6 forever, and I think slightly pear shaped is our natural shape after 40. But that doesn't mean that we should just accept it and eat whatever we want. I think we owe it to ourselves to watch what we eat and get a little active, even if it just means taking a brisk walk every night after dinner to talk with our hubby. You don't need to be super-thin; and what makes a woman attractive is often her attitude. Dress in nice clothes and feel confident, and twenty or thirty pounds won't matter as much. One hundred will, though.
Perhaps this post seems like I'm nagging all of you, and I don't mean that. I just think that if women put as much effort in looking good for our husbands as we do for strangers, our marriages would be infinitely better. And we'd have awfully happy husbands!
What about you? Do you have any marriage advice you want to share? Simply copy the picture at the top by right clicking it and saving it, and then write your own post. Come on back over here and enter the URL below. I'd love to hear what you have to say!
DeeDee over at It Coulda Been Worse was talking jewellery a while ago. And how she never wears any until her kids tried to make her look like Tammy Faye.
I know what she means. When I was younger I used to buy my mother hideous jewellery, too. For some reason I got it in my head that my mother loved earrings shaped like roses. I don't know why I thought that, but I did. So for about four years straight, for every birthday and Mother's Day, I bought her awful rose earrings. And to her credit, she wore them.
Like DeeDee, though, I stopped wearing jewellery when the kids were really little. The children used to pull on my earrings (which HURT!) so I gave up. I didn't want to look like one of those African tribes with huge holes in her lobes, so I thought I'd give my ears a rest.
Then, when the girls grew older, I found that miracle of miracles my holes had not closed up.
And for the last five years I’ve been collecting little pieces of jewellery. Nothing expensive, just cute. And now I actually have choice! Because jewellery doesn’t seem to go out of style. And if you buy three pieces a year for thirty years, suddenly you have ninety pieces! Think of how great you’ll look in that old age home!
Even if you do take a few years off of wearing jewellery now.
Yesterday I posted on how rolling my daughter's hair in rags produces much better curls than any other method. A bunch of you asked how you actually do this. So, by popular demand, here is how you wrap a girl's hair in rags!
First, take a small section of hair:
Then comb it flat.
Lay the bottom of the hair onto a rag, maybe eight-ten inches long.
Fold the bottom side of the rag up so it covers the hair.
Then twist, or roll, the rag up the hair, rolling it under, not over.
Roll it right up to the scalp, and then get ready to tie it.
Take the ends and make a tight double knot.
You're all done! Now repeat for the whole head. My daughter has quite thick hair and I think we used about 20 rags.
To see the final results, you can look at my first post here! Have fun!
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My daughter has hair that won't curl. When she puts her hair back in a ponytail it is the thickest ponytail you have ever seen. Her hair is thick. Her hair is heavy. Her hair is plentiful.
But she loves looking pretty, and she loves all the Jane Austen movies where all the women have beautiful curls. She wants beautiful curls, but her hair was not meant to curl. It was meant to be straight.
Last night my older daughter volunteered to put her hair in rags so she could be pretty for the piano festival today.
Here she is last night getting the rags in.
And here she is this morning after Becca took them out:
She's curly! She is so happy. She's really my girly-girl.
Rags are easy. You just wrap the hair in a strip of cloth and tie it, and leave it overnight. It works best if the hair is wet, but little girls love curls, and it makes them feel like Laura from Little House on the Prairie when you use this low-tech method. And it does last longer than curling irons!
By the way, she won with her duet last night! So that's a good start for the piano competition week.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
I hope you can read it! I tried to crop the best I could, but I'm not sure I did a great job! Anyway, I thought it was funny!
She's curly! She is so happy. She's really my girly-girl.
