Recently my children were laughing incredulously over a picture of me from the 90s. It seems they think a straight bob, teased bangs, and a satin blouse with mega-shoulder pads are humorous. Imagine.

As bad as the 90s were, though, they don’t hold a candle to the 80s. Remember oversized sweaters with thin little leggings? We women were football players on top and storks on the bottom. We were lollipops on sticks. Then, of course, we plopped a poodle on our heads to complete the whole outfit, since perms were the one way ticket to chic. At the time, we thought we were very fashionable. Especially with blue eye shadow.

I won’t go into the seventies, since in those days I had no control over how my mother dressed me. I was too young to be held responsible for bell bottoms or jumpsuits. What strikes me, though, is that as fashionable as we thought we were then, we now realize we were out of our minds.

In twenty years, what current fashion trends will cause us to hang our heads in shame? After all, we’re likely just as stupid as previous generations were. Let me offer my suggestions, then, as to what trends will soon go the way of bell bottoms and tight leather pants.

Today’s fashion has an issue with backsides. Let’s start with teenage boys. They wear massively oversized pants that fall below the hips. They cover nothing; we’re all getting a crash course on adolescent underwear choices.

Boys may think they look cool, but allow me to let you in on what everyone else is thinking: You look stupid. In fact, you look beyond stupid. You look lazy and unattractive, and to boot, you’re too dumb to realize it. I know it may be radical to say, but I believe pants should actually cover one’s nether regions. If that makes me a prude, so be it.

To be fair, it’s not only boys who have this issue. If you’re a woman and you don’t want to shop in conservative stores, extremely low rise is pretty much your only option. I suppose they do make one’s backside look nice. The problems come when one bends over. I do not have an overly large posterior, but when I lean down, I resemble a plumber, if you know what I mean. And there are some parts of my anatomy which I would really rather keep hidden. We must cover The Crack.

Besides, pants that fail to cover important areas also have the side effect of making us females look like mushrooms. Unless you have zero body fat, your flesh will spill over the top of low rise pants, lending that woodland fungus effect.

While pants have grown shorter on the top end, they’ve grown longer on the bottom. We used to hem our pants to come just to the top of the shoe. Now they’re supposed to touch the toe, so that they can be worn with heels. I suppose that’s all right, if you’re the type of person who cooks in heels, goes to the bathroom in the heels, runs after toddlers in heels, and wears heels while walking to the park. Otherwise, whenever you’re inside you step on your pants. When you wear your pants with flats they get muddy and they fray. Hardly attractive, either.

In twenty years, we know that we’ll look back on this extreme low-rise craze and realize we were insane. Why not hurry that process along and abandon the Muffin Top look right now? Let’s bring the pants up higher, on both ends, for both genders. Let’s fight the Crack. Together, we can win this thing.