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Wifey Wednesday: Marriage Recovery After a Pornography Addiction

Every Wednesday this blog talks marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you either comment on it or, better still, go to your own blog and write a Wifey Wednesday post, and then come back here and link to it!

Today I want to tackle something that is a HUGE problem in many marriages today: pornography. Is it a big deal? Can you recover from it? And if so, how?

Perhaps your marriage hasn't been touched by pornography, and if so, that's wonderful. But I still encourage you to read on, because porn is so prevalent, and we have to understand it just to help our husbands and sons, as well as our friends who are going through this trauma.

Pornography addictions are now one of the largest causes of divorce. Porn is wrecking marriages. It's also wrecking men's libidos, and it's one of the largest causes of men's reduced sexual interest. In one study I read recently, college aged males were having far less sex with actual people because they were so addicted to porn. Now, of course, I don't want college aged males to be promiscuous with actual women, either, but the point is that here's a group that is notorious for sleeping with many partners, and yet they've stopped because porn is easier. And once you become addicted to porn, you tend not to want the real thing.

That's true in marriages, too. Not all marriages experience this, but slowly but surely a man who is addicted to porn becomes less interested in sex with his wife. When he is interested, he tends to want to try more extreme things. And he also has difficulty making love without fantasizing, because what porn has done is rewire his brain to think of images as erotic, as opposed to relationship. Thus, most men who are addicted to pornography cannot actually get aroused without concentrating on a few images in their brains first.

So how do you deal with this as a wife?

1. Understand that it is an addiction.

When men say "it's got nothing to do with you", they honestly mean it. Men are wired, much more so than women, to be aroused visually, and so pornography is a huge temptation for them. And it's so easy to access today. Once they start watching, though, they tend to need more and more to get the initial high that comes with it, in the same way that an alcoholic needs more and more drinks to feel tipsy.

It does change the chemical balance in the brain, and it is an honest to goodness addiction for many men. That doesn't mean it can't be broken; it's just that many men WANT to break it, but don't know how. They feel great shame about it, in the same way that an alcoholic feels shame.

If your husband has a porn addiction, you're going to be angry when you learn. You'll feel disgusted, ashamed, and probably a little vengeful. That's only natural. But when you calm down, try, as much as you can, to also feel a bit of sympathy. Listen to your husband's heart. If he is repentant, but doesn't know how to stop, then help him. If he isn't repentant, then lay down some pretty firm rules and an ultimatum. A marriage can't survive a porn addiction long-term. It is cheating, whether he admits it or not. He may not think of it that way, but it is stealing his sexual interest from you, and it is undermining the whole basis for your marriage.

2. Help end the addiction.

You need to take some action to end the addiction. It would be nice if he could stop all on his own, but it's rarely that easy. We don't ask an alcoholic to stop drinking when there is still a ton of alcohol in the house. In the same way, your husband can't just stop his porn addiction without removing the internet lure.

So either drop the internet temporarily altogether, or get filters installed. Talk to him about this. He may be leery at first, but make it clear that if he wants to stay in the marriage, he needs to take these steps. And please, try to do it in a loving way. I know you're angry, but if you blame him and lecture him you'll just drive him away. How much better to tell him instead that you want to work towards rebuilding your sex life, and making it satisfying for both of you. You want to achieve true intimacy. You want your marriage to be rich and close and beautiful, and this is the first step towards that.

3. Do not be his accountability partner

Most men will need some sort of an accountability partner to recover from this, similar to a buddy that people are matched with in AA. You can't be that partner, because he can't be honest with you if he's tempted again.

Churches need to go out of their way to start accountability groups for men in this area. We need to step up to the plate, and if you can grab the pastor's ear and suggest it, then do so. Encourage your husband to find a godly man that can hold him accountable. Some computer programs can automatically send an email to someone of your choice if you go onto a questionable website, so that the partner can literally monitor his web use.

Be aware, too, that he likely will fall in the initial period. It's very hard to break an addiction, and he'll be moody, twitchy, and angry. He can't be perfect overnight. And occasionally he's going to fall, whether it's at work where he still has internet access or when he's in a hotel or something. If he does fall, he's going to feel even worse.

Have you ever tried really hard to lose weight? Or quit some food that you don't want to eat anymore? It's hard. And remember how awful you feel when you grab one and stuff it down? This feels way worse. Remember that just because he falls does not mean that he isn't still moving in the right general direction. If he remains committed to breaking the addiction, then forgive him. And encourage him to talk to an accountability partner about it.

4. Rebuild your sex life

Here's the hard part. Pornography, fantasy, and masturbation go hand in hand. For males, you rarely have one without the other. So if a man tells you that he's addicted to pornography, it also means that he fantasizes and that he masturbates. It's gross to think about it, I know, but it's true.

To get out of that cycle so that his physical desire is channelled towards you again is often a very long process. Understand that from the outset. This is not going to be an easy road, but it is one you can travel together.

First, you have to give him the freedom to be honest with you. If you want to rebuild intimacy, he needs to be free to tell you when it's not working. Because pornography rewires the brain and tells a man that what is arousing is an image rather than a person, many men actually experience impotence without external stimulation (the images they're used to seeing). So many men, in order to have sex with their wives, start imagining and fantasizing about those images.

That may be a shock to some of you, and I'm truly sorry. This is such a difficult thing, I know, but remember that God can help you get through anything.

You need to leave room for God to work, though, and show your husband forgiveness and grace, because most men who are recovering truly do want to get better. It's just very difficult for them. They're scared that they'll never be able to really have sex again without the pornography.

So make a plan that you want to help him get reacquainted with true intimacy. Spend some time, perhaps a week or so or however long it takes, not actually making love. Lie naked together and get used to touching each other again. Look into his eyes. Let him experience the erotic nature of just being so close to someone he loves. Take baths together. Explore each other, and take things very slowly so that he can see that he can become aroused just by being with you. If you try to go too fast, you can push him into fantasy again in order to "complete the deed". Instead, spend some time letting him discover that he can become aroused once again by being with you. But this is much easier if there's no pressure, and if you spend a lot of time just being together naked, talking, kissing, and exploring.

Usually when we think of rebuilding sex lives we think that we have to somehow compete with pornography. We want to be so arousing that he won't need it anymore, and so we go the lingerie route, or we decide to try new things. That actually feeds into his addiction, because what he really needs is to experience the sexual high that comes from relational and spiritual intimacy, and not just from visual arousal or fantasy. It's not that you can never wear lingerie again; it's just that in the initial recovery period, the aim is not to be "porn lite" in your marriage; it's to help him channel his sexual energy in a different direction: towards you. If you try to just act out pornography, you actually encourage him to keep those fantasies in his head alive, and you do nothing to retrain his brain.

So take things slowly, and let him know that if he needs to take a break because his mind is wandering, it's okay for him to tell you that. You'd rather he be honest so that he can get his heart and head right and start again.

Just spend a lot of intimate time together, perhaps reading Psalms, or Song of Solomon, while lying together. I know that sounds corny, but honestly, when you are spiritually close, the sexual feelings often follow. One of the sexiest things you can actually do together is to pray, because it is so intimate. And it's the kind of intimate that is the exact opposite of fantasizing, so it helps keep those impulses at bay.

Throughout this whole process you will need some support to continue showing grace and forgiveness, and to get over your initial revulsion. Talk to maybe one close friend or mentor, but don't talk to everyone you know, even "in confidence", because then they will always think of your husband in a certain way.

But believe that God can restore your marriage. He can make it even more intimate than it was before. He can take you to new heights together. But it's a process that takes time, and will inevitably have some setbacks. That doesn't mean you're not progressing; just be patient, rely on God, and believe that you can reach the other side together.

If you liked this post, you'll love Sheila's audio download: "Protect Your Marriage". We all want strong marriages, but if we don't tend them and protect them, outside influences can easily steal our joy and intimacy. Download it now!

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At 8:58 AM , Blogger Courtney said…

I would normally blog about this and link up, but my husband really doesn't like discussing this. This struck our marriage extremely early in our relationship. And I do mean early. I never knew my husband looked at porn when we were dating. I assumed that he had because, well 1 because he's a man, and 2- because he spent 6 years on a Navy Ship with a bunch of other men. I just figured that it had stopped.

Long story short-I found out I was pregnant, started gaining weight and began to discover my husbands problem was a lot bigger than I initially thought. He would take the computer or his cell phone [which had internet] in the bathroom and sit for literall an hour. I started to question and he was furious. He told me I didn't trust him, and then I started to check up on him. Pull the history on his phone every chance I could, check the computer history...and every time I found something I asked him and he would lie. And I knew he was lying. I felt betrayed. I felt ugly and unnattractive to him and I was depressed...something that was NOT good for me since I was pregnant.

The breaking point didn't come until March of 2009, when our son was about 5 months old. We were moving to our new house and I checked my husbands phone again. He had finally owned up to what he was doing and admitted it to me. He swore he had stopped, but I could always tell when he was falling back into it again. He pulled away from me emotionally and sexually, and he pulled away from God. He was upstairs napping and when I found porn on his cell phone history again -from the day before and that day-I left him a note, got in the car, and left.

I ignored phone calls for hte rest of the day and I cried for probably 4 hours. Then I went back and told him that he had to choose. Me and our son, or the porn because I wasn't going to compete with it and I wasn't having it in our house. That day we changed our phone plans to no internet and installed covenant eyes [a great software program for this kind of issue].

Since then, our marriage has taken a turn. We are more open and honest about things now. I know that this is something that my husband struggled with and we do everything to prevent a downfall again. We don't watch movies with nudity, if I go to Victoria Secret, I go alone. I don't ask or expect him to help me pick out lingerie. We have built a strong group of Christian friends who help to keep him accountable, and I watch what kind of magazines and catologues lay around the house.

I admit I was extremely hurt. I thought about divorce and felt totally and completely worthless. My self esteem was awful. After I had my son, I even attempted starving myself to lose the baby weight because I didn't feel good enough for my husband anymore. But when I finally stopped denying it and ignoring the pain and really allowed myself to feel it, I was able to start recovering.

It was a choice I had to make to get up every single day and forgive my husband for it. It definitely didn't just happen. And it was hard. It was hard to resume intimacy with him because I didn't feel good enough. There were many times where I couldn't even hold back the tears and cried the whole time because I was hurting so bad.

I encourage anyone who's facing this to tackle it head on. It's not easy, but it's worth it to move through it. Talk to your husband. I almost gaurantee that he is wanting to admit his failure to you, but he's ashamed and afraid of how you will react. Keep a journal-that's what I did. Write out your pain. Talk to a girlfriend. Pray. Alot. Dig into your bible and cry out to God, because I promise he will heel the pain you feel. I was absolutely devastated and I can honestly say that right now I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been in my life. And feel free to contact me if you just need someone to talk to. Because I've been there. But God repairs everything.

Sorry this was so long. Great post.


At 9:12 AM , Blogger Jamie~ said…

Isn't God amazing? I actually posted something about this last night on my blog. I didn't go into details out of respect for my hubby, but you get the general idea!

This struck early on in our marriage, too. My husband confessed to me and immediately underwent counseling as an individual and then we attended marriage counseling.

It was horribly painful and every once in a while the memory for me will pop back up, but it's pretty rare.

God has restored our marriage and we are truly living out our love story!

Praise and honor go to Him!


At 9:38 AM , Anonymous Kiesha @ Highly Favored said…

I admire your courage for sharing this post with us, Sheila. And Courtney and Jamie - your honesty in sharing your experience is to be commended. Often people want to push things under the rug instead of talk about it.
I can't personally say I've contended with a porn addiction - but that's not the only thing that can hinder intimacy in marriage. My husband tends to get obsessed over hobbies- terribly to the point that they hurt our finances - then there's food and we both tend to overeat and sometimes those addictions get in the way of us connecting. Sometimes weeks pass and nothing... but I've learned not to bark and nag anymore, but instead I allow him to receive the consequences that comes with his actions - even if that means I'm hurt by them by association.
When we talk, I'm honest with him about how I feel and somehow, I'm sure with God's help, we get through it. Forgiveness is a recurring, everyday process that is truly the only way to make it through life's challenges as they present themselves in marriage.


At 10:01 AM , Blogger rox said…

This is such a great topic ! I think so many people like any area in society that has been labeled bad & taboo peoples reactions to it are to hide it , keep it secret etc. If we are healed and truely dealing with and dealt with the addiction then we will not be afraid to talk openly about it .
The biggest thing with denial is in the end truth is still there;-)
All your points and discussion are so good !
I can speak from expereince in regards to a friend who did not deal with the issue in her marriage . her partner had a porn issue before they had children . She herself is alcoholic dropped in and ourt of AA whenever she felt she was better . Addiction never goes away really we are always capable that is why it is so important to be on top of our behaviours , triggers etc. cleansing , owning , ammends .
Anyway my friends partenr ended up increasing in his porn addiction and it later led to him abusing her and thier children . She hid deeper in the bottle . The result was severe disfuction now in her adult children and I am sorry to say three of her adult children have now gone on to marry the same types of partners .
This is what happens when addiction is not dealt with children precieve the behaviours as normal . They mimic etc. they learn to fill thier loniness with addiction just like the parents .
I am a recovered narcotic user . It was vital to my childrens lives I try my best to seek help and not pass on the disfunction ! No one is perfect of course but acknowledging there is a problem is crucial .
Thanks so much for posting this . I'm writing a blog post soon which will include the topic of addiction on my blog about abuse . I will link it to your artcile here .


At 1:18 PM , Blogger Gina Parris said…

Thank you for sharing this topic. As someone who had to work really hard to overcome a serious addiction to compulsive eating, I have a little more sympathy for anyone struggling with any kind of addiction, as I know it's never really about the thing being consumed.

I have a whole lesson in my upcoming program "The Romance Rescue" about porn and stuff that makes us deeply angry. Hooray to you brave gals for sharing your stories. Bless you!

Why I'm talking about Love and *gasp* Sex


At 6:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

I just want to say that this all applies to a woman addicted to porn as well. I struggled for several years with it. Initially it was because I wanted to educate myself about sex and how he might be able to please me when I first got married.

We were both virgins when we married, but my husband worked with some people who told him a LOT about it and I always felt like I just didn't know enough. We had a teribble wedding night: I had no libido (I blame the birth control I was on) and we were never able to achive intercourse (that didn't actually happen until several years in our marriage). He would keep asking me what I wanted to arouse me but I had no idea! I pushed him away sexually because I didn't want the physical pain of attempting intercourse and the emotional pain of letting him down.

So anyway, the internet directed me into sites that I should have steered away from when I was doing my "research." We finally did achieve intercourse (not without pain unfortunatly) but the porn addiction didn't stop. It wasn't actually until our son was born that I stopped. I haven't looked back since. But it's still a terrible secret that I have from my husband.

I am praying for the courage to tell him. Even this morning it was in my mind and I felt convicted to tell him today.... it was easy to tell myself that because I wasn't at home :)

We still have major issues in the bedroom (all mine, physical and emotional) and I know that the porn has to do with it now. Our initial issues could be due to an old boyfriend molesting me. There's all these excuses and none of them are fair to my husband.

I am praying that the right opportunity comes along to confess to him. This was a good reminder that we can't live with a secret like this. Unfortunatly for me it has very good timing..... I just don't know how to tell him!

Anyway, that's kind of related to you post but I wanted to (sort of) get it off my chest. (By the way, my word verification: pained)


At 7:53 PM , Blogger Lisa said…

Thank you Sheila for the brave informative post. And thank you sisters for being brave enough to share your stories here.


At 9:22 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

Update: I told him. He told me that he has struggled as well due to the difficulties we have had with our sex life. We are going to work on it. Maybe I can convince him to come to a counseller with me. God's timing with moving your to write this post is amazing.


At 9:42 PM , Blogger Gina Parris said…

God bless you, Anonymous friend. You're in our prayers.


At 11:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

Our divorce after twenty years of marriage will be final next week. I discovered last summer that my husband had an ongoing problem with pornography and prostitutes that had been ongoing since his college days, during our dating, engagement, and throughout our twenty year marriage. This all came to light with his arrest in a prostitution sting.

By the time I learned the entire story, several months later, tens of thousands of dollars had been spent, our children's college funds were gone, and we were very close to losing our home because of the financial toll of the pornography and prostitution.

This is an issue that does need to be addressed in our churches and faith circles. I had no awareness of such issues and therefore did not recognize the signs of a problem at the time.

I am grateful for many things--
neither of us ever had any sexually transmitted diseases (I am being tested every six months); everything came to light while there was still time to save our home; Christian counseling was and is available to us as a couple and individually; God has been faithful throughout these months; and the list goes on...

Sheila, thank you for sharing this post. Our marriage did not survive the pornography and prostitution, but our family did survive.


At 8:41 AM , Blogger Mrs W said…

Yes, porn is a guy problem but I am so sick of hearing about it being a guys problem. Some of us ladies have struggled with it too, and the frustrating thing is that with men, everyone talks about it and helps them, but with women people just think we are freaks and unnatural and there is NOTHING out there to help US. We have to get through it with NO help at all, while the men get all the help in the world!


At 10:31 AM , Blogger Sheila said…

Thank you all for sharing so much and being so honest! I think we're just touching the tip of the iceberg, so I'm going to continue along these lines over the next few weeks with some more posts.

And Mrs. W., I understand where you're coming from. One of the anonymous posters above gave a really moving story of what happens when women also get into pornography--albeit for different reasons. It's just as destructive.

Men are still the primary users of porn, but I think for them it's more straightforward. It's simply lust. For women it gets really complicated, and I think actually has the potential to mess around with our brain wiring even more. This is an important issue, and an ever-growing demographic, and I'm going to come back to it, probably next week, once I have time to do it justice.

So never fear--we'll address the other side of it, too!


At 6:46 PM , Anonymous myfathersdaughter said…

Bravo for touching this topic! I think that there are so many Godly women out there suffering with sexual issues and they feel that they are not able to trust anyone enough to share or to glean help from. Shame, fear and condemnation can be overwhelming and cause individuals to stay in a place of "safe" darkness while they are being consumed from within....
I will share from a different aspect as well-I apologize ahead of time if anyone is offended by my honesty and bluntness-I was a victim of tremendous childhood sexual abuse for the first 141/2 years of my life. Although I had several abusers, my primary abuser forced me to look at pornography beginning at the age of 10 until the age of 14. While viewing pornography I was forced to masturbate while he watched.He was violent and sadistic and I was terrified of him. Although my abuse ended at age 14, these events negatively affected me for many, many years. Firstly, I became addicted to masturbation- secondly the only way that I was able to climax was to replay that pornography in my head, or any sexual scene I had seen in a movie, or in a book- I did not continue to partake of pornography but it didn't matter because I had been exposed to so much that I had enough on the inside of me that my mind never had to search far to pull up a memory of all that I had been exposed to. It is amazing the capability of the mind to retain things that you even try to forget. Because I was a child who was not properly parented on any front I was reading V.C. Andrews books at 9 and 10 years of age and had always watched movies that had inappropriate sex scenes in them. I got married at the age of 19. Although I had been very primiscuous before marriage, once that wedding ring was on my finger I wanted NONE OF IT! Because then I felt like I had to-- for years I avoided making love to my husband as much as I could because when I did the only way I would be able to climax would be to think perverted thoughts- thoughts of being abused, thoughts of being raped, or to dredge up the pornographic scenes I had read or seen. My mind had been unnaturally re-wired at this point to only respond in a sexual way to abuse or perversion- or to fantasize of other people involved in non-abusive sex-but not me--this became an escape for me as well from the actual experience of sex with my husband-which was a very scary thing to me because of all that had happened to me- This made me feel dirty and disgusting and dysfunctional and GUILTY! The enemy could have destroyed me with the depth of agony and despair that these issues brought to my inward parts as I was a young Christian who really did have a heart to serve the Lord and yet had all of these strongholds in my life that I did not know how to break free from... Because I did not enjoy sex, I wanted it to be over as soon as it could be when we did make love and so thinking those thoughts was the quickest way for it to be over.... at any rate... 14 years later here we are- God has redeemed, restored and HEALED me from this addiction- He has step by step taught me how to make love to my husband in the way that He intended--enjoying sex between husband and wife as the gift that He intended it to be. All that is to share with anyone out there who may be struggling in a similar way- there IS hope- I am obviously unable to share the whole process of healing here but am always willing to share, in a more detailed way, with anyone who is needing HOPE. The Lord truly is bigger than any trap that the Lord would attempt to ensnare us in.


At 6:48 PM , Anonymous myfathersdaughter said…

I meant that the ENEMY would attempt to ensnare us in!!


At 10:05 AM , Anonymous crystal said…

During the first year my Husband & I we we're dating, I came across his porn, dating websites, & pictures on his laptop history on two different occassions. I was upset that my boyfriend was interested in this type of stuff, & it definitely made my self esteem drop big time. I confronted him about the problem & told him basically that i didnt care for it & he agreed & promised that since he was no longer single that he really should have no use for it & that was that. Two years married trying to conceive our first child w/ no success,a month before our wedding anniversary, I went to use my laptop & everything had been deleted off of it, & i knew immediately something in my gut told me that something wasnt right, so I confronted him w/ my 'cleaned out' laptop & his response was 'he had to clear it b/c the internet was running slow' my husband has a degree in computer technology & I'm very literate w/ computers so of course I knew better than to accept his response & automatically knew he wasnt being honest w/ me. i mean i was born at night, but not lastnight & I knew he was lying to me & that I didnt appreciate him not being honest with me & so he finally confessed. i just had a gut feeling & the pain that i felt back when i was his girlfriend & finding out about it in the past, had returned & now 10 times worse b/c i was his wife now & I had been lied to for 2 years. The confession escaladed into a seriously heated argument & I told him everything i could think of accept that i hated him, b/c no matter how hurt I was, in my heart I knew I didnt feel that way towards him. He admitted that he had an addiction to porn & suggested to seek counseling in order to save our marriage & told me that he had a full blown problem, he wasnt happy with it, & he needed help. He admitted to watching porn off & on through out our whole entire relationship & that he was sorry he broke his promise, & begged me to not leave him. At first I was angry at him, I felt disgusted & betrayed by him. I told him that had I of known about his addiction I probably would of broken up w/ him while we were dating to save myself the heartbreak, & that I didnt want to bring a child into this world who had a pedaphile as a father. I told him that I didnt want our children asking me 'mommy why does daddy have bad things on his phone?" or "mommy why does daddy watch bad things on his computer?" We both wanted children so bad, that we would cry everytime i took a preg. test & it came back neg. the one thing i had always wanted the most was to be a mother & a good wife with an amazing husband & I was set & determined up until this point that my husband was the most flawless, perfect husband in the world. this huge fight was probably the 5th fight we've had in our whole entire relationship & the biggest daddy of them all, let me tell ya. so basically he agreed to get help, & i agreed to stay as long as he never did it again..i told him i would have his back on it all & be their to support him along his way, but i would not be an enabler. i as well applied filters on our internet, cell phones, cable, everything. my husband told me that had he of known that i would of actually considered divorce over it all he never would of done it, b/c he saw how much it hurt me, how heartbroken i was & that alone was, enough for him to never do it again. for the longest time i held a grudge towards him, but i eventually found it within my heart & my self to forgive him. My Husband pursued professional help, & we've been great ever since. God & strength was a huge factor in getting past our hardship.


At 9:22 AM , Anonymous CrYsTaL said…

I really need some help. Because of my husbands porn addiction, I have lost faith in everything. I don't know how much longer I can go on in this depressed state.
I first discovered my husband's porn issues after being married for about 2 years. I found it on the computer and he denied it completely. After showing him the proof he admitted to it but said it was only a few times and he promised never to do it again because he loves me and I am enough for him. Well, we have now been married for 6 years. In the last 6 months I discovered the porn again and again, he lied and lied and lied. Finally after literally months of giving him opportunities to be honest with me, he came clean and it was worse than I could have ever imagined. He has a porn addiction and has since we got married. He has always done it and has never stopped. He also has visited strip clubs by himself while on business trips. I love him. We have 2 children together. I have been trying with all I have to be supportive and forgiving but it is killing me. This has truly made me lose sight of myself and what is important to me. I feel disgusting and worthless. He has talked to a psychologist several times now and promises to change. We no longer have the internet but I can't control him when he is not at home. He has lied to me so much that I don't think I can trust when he says he is doing nothing wrong.
Another point to this story.....I was gang raped when I was 18. I was dating my husband at the time. He watched me go through that horror and saw what it did to me. He watched me stand up to those horrible people in court. He saw my bruises and scars and everything that went along with it. Since that time, I view sex very differently than I used to. It is supposed to be an act of love between 2 people and anything outside of those lines I cannot deal with. He knows all of this so how could he end up addicted to porn??? It is said that people in advanced stages of porn addiction are the ones that commit rape? How can my husband be that kind of person?? I'm so lost. I have nowhere to turn and have reached my end. Please help me. I am only 26 years old and if it weren't for my children, I would truly be ready to leave this life. I need god so badly....but I have lost him.


At 10:06 AM , Blogger Sheila said…


I'm sorry I can't email you, because I don't see your email, so I'll try to answer here!

First, you haven't lost God. You really haven't. You may not be able to feel Him right now, but He is there. Call out to Him. Ask Him for peace. Ask Him to direct you to people who can really help you.

Are you in a church? Because you need to be! Find a church with a lot of young families, because I guarantee that these types of churches are used to dealing with problems like this. They're everywhere.

What you need to do is to gather your group of helpers around you. Find an older mentor (maybe a family member), and some close friends who will walk through this with you and pray for you. Find a church with a good women's Bible study or MOPS group, because there will be women there who can help you.

Once you have your support group in place, then you really need to confront your husband. Porn use and going to strippers is not acceptable in a marriage, and will kill everything you have together.

Have him visit or and read the stories of the men who were involved in porn and had to stop. There are a ton of resources there to help him stop, and a lot of support for you, too.

I know this is really tough, especially since you have young kids. Just know you are not alone. God is with you, and there are Christians out there who want to help you. You just need to seek them out. So find a good church with a MOPS group or something. Pray that God will lead you to a support group. And then have them pray and support you while you confront him.

I will pray that God will restore your marriage, because He has restored so many like this already. But even if He doesn't, know that you are never alone. And, with God, you are strong enough to walk through anything.


At 7:30 PM , Blogger Gina Parris said…

Crystal, God bless you. I'm sure you feel very alone right now, but you are not. I just want to encourage you to take Sheila's advice and we will be standing with you for healing in your marriage and for deliverance for your husband. Like any compulsive behavior, its not about what it appears on the surface. I truly believe all things are possible. You are a dear and brave gal.


At 5:28 PM , Anonymous Harley Street Psychotherapist said…

Excellent site. The information is really valuable and useful. It'll certainly help women a lot. It's amazing that you didn't even missed micro details. Thanks for your effort to help others.

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About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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