My one prayer that never seems to get answered is, "God, give me more time!" There is no more time. There is only what we have; and each day has enough time in it for what God wants us to do. If we don't feel like we're getting everything done, then we need to do something about it. Here are some thoughts:
1. As much as possible, sleep to a schedule
Last year my husband starting getting up at 6:30, every single day. Even on weekends. He found that if he trained his body to wake up at the same time each day, he felt far less tired because his body knew when it was supposed to be awake. But if you're going to get up at a certain time everyday, you've also got to go to bed at a certain time, too.
I know that's rough if you have kids who still wake up in the middle of the night, but as much as possible, establish a sleep routine. You'll find you get to sleep faster, and you don't feel as tired during the day!
2. Start your day a little earlier
Not a morning person? Just try it for a month! I find that when my day starts earlier, and I can get the major things done by 9:00 (shower, devotions, exercise, breakfast), then I have three hours to work before lunch. On the days that I get a late start, I often don't get much done before lunch and that causes panic in the afternoon.
Even if you're a stay at home mom, set a time for the day beginning, when you will commence housework, or play group, or story time, or an outing to the library, or something. Stick to it, and you'll find that you feel like you accomplish more! I'm finding this one hard right now because I'm still a little jetlagged from my trip to Alberta. But I'm going to try to start getting up at 7 again, because I know that's best for me.
3. Set a limit on your time wasters
Do you check email every 15 minutes? Update Facebook throughout the day? Check out your blogs? Don't stop all together. That's not realistic. But you can put parameters around it.
Think about it this way: if you check email every 15 minutes, you're spending a lot of time checking when there's likely nothing there (or maybe just 1 thing). Start checking just at lunch and then before you make dinner, and you'll find a whole bunch of things that you can take care of all at once. You don't miss anything, but it takes less time to go through them! It's the same thing with Facebook or blogs. Read your blogs in a reader (I love NewsRack for my iPad!). I just check once a day now, and I can skim all the blog posts to see only the ones I want to read. It's awesome!
What about television? Do you really need to watch it? I'm not trying to be a purist here; I got rid of the television about 15 years ago, but I've simply replaced it with the internet. It's not that I never waste time anymore; I just waste it differently, and I'll be totally honest with you about that. But one thing that's great about getting rid of TV is that we can watch all the good shows all in one setting once they're out on DVD! It doesn't matter that they're old; we never saw them in the first place. So instead of being glued to a TV, why not try to move your TV viewing to DVD or the internet when you control the time?
4. Put first things first
Part of the reason that we feel frazzled is that often at the end of the day we climb into bed with that unsettled feeling because we know that we have left important things undone. When the big stuff doesn't get done, it doesn't matter how much else you accomplished during the day. You don't feel fulfilled.
So what is your big stuff? I'd put having meaningful time with God and with family high up on that list. Having dinner together, if possible. Instead of making a to-do list every morning, of all the possible things that you think you should get accomplished, why not make a "must do" list? If you had to narrow your list down to three things today, what would those three things be? What is most important to you?
Often the things that are actually most important don't show up on our to-do lists because errands and busy-ness crowd them out. But that's absolutely lethal to our sense of well-being. Instead, wake up in the morning with this question for God: "What three things do you absolutely want me to do today?" Then get those three done for sure! You'll feel far less like a failure, and more like you've accomplished your main purpose in life.
I think we go about things backwards; we often feel best about ourselves when we can cross off a ton of things off of our lists. But I think spending more time on fewer things is actually better for us in the long run.
So ask yourself: what is MOST important? And then do that! You'll feel much better at the end of the day!
Which thing is hardest for you? Let me know in the comments!
This post is also being linked to Homemaking Link-Up at Raising Homemakers! Head on over there for more links on raising the next generation to care for their families!
I'm in the middle of cramming for my book deadline for "The Good Girl's Guide to Sex", which is due at the publisher's in just a couple of weeks. I think you're going to like it!
But because I'm so frazzled writing, I thought I'd rerun some of the blog posts from two or three years ago that many of you, who joined me recently, may have missed. Here's one I really did like--edited a bit--and I hope you like it, too!
The worst thing a husband can do to a stay at home mom when he comes home after work is to look around the house with disdain and ask, "what did you do all day?".
Them's fighting words!
And we all know it. We tell jokes about inept men like that. We laugh at them.
And yet, ladies, I want to talk just between you and me right now. Hopefully no men are listening. Do we always work as hard as we can during the day? Or do we sometimes goof off?
I know I goof off a lot. Of course, that's only natural, because being home all day with kids is exhausting. We need our rejuvenating time, we argue. We need our time to ourselves. And that is very true.
But other than well-deserved breaks (and napping when the baby naps to catch up on sleep), do we put our 100% in?
Part of the problem, I think, is that motherhood is not a job. We're not getting paid, and no one is looking over our shoulder (except God! :) ). No one has made a list of all you have to accomplish today. No one is grading your performance. No one is going to fire you. So the only way to get things done around the house is by self-motivation.
What if you don't have any?
That's a tough one, isn't it? Now looking after little ones is a full-time job. I remember how exhausted I was when my children were little. And I decided that my primary responsibility was to them first, and the house (or apartment, as it was at the time) second. We would take outings every day, and I would read to them, and play with them, and make homemade baby food, and cook healthy meals, and make sure their laundry was done and their room cleaned, but the rest of the house suffered. I know that bothered my husband, but I figured he didn't have much to say about it because the kids were getting stimulated, and that was the important thing.
Looking back, I'm not sure what I would have done much differently, except perhaps get more organized at cleaning. But the kids were my primary responsibility!
What I wish I had had, at the time, was a more organized approach to housework. If I could have kept things neat, a lot of the chaos in our lives would have disappeared. And quite frankly, I did waste a lot of time. My children were wonderfully cared for, but the house was not. And with a little organization, it doesn't take that much time.
But as the kids grew older, my housework didn't improve that much, either. I just didn't like cleaning, and I found it overwhelming. It was a definite tension between my husband and me, because he wanted the living room neat, and I felt the children took precedence (or really, my right not to have to clean everyday took precedence!). When I finally realized how important it was to him, I made it a priority to have that room clean when he came home, as an act of love. And when I started doing that, I realized I did actually have quite a bit of time for cleaning, if you do it systematically.
When you treat motherhood like a job, you get things done. When you treat it like a big party with the kids, where you all get to goof off, you don't. I loved those years with my children when they were babies, and I was awfully young myself, so I'm not beating myself up about it. But today, now that the kids are older, I have to ask myself everyday: am I working today? Or am I goofing off?
My husband is working, and doing wonderful things for our family. I owe him some effort, too. That doesn't mean that I don't take time to myself; but it does mean that I need to start seeing some of the organizational tasks that need to get done around the house as my job. Not because I'm female, but simply out of fairness: if he works, I should work.
I know many homes where she stays home with the kids, but she doesn't necessarily "work". She has the TV on all day, or she's on Facebook as much as possible, or she's reading a book. Sure she plays with the kids, but stuff around the house just doesn't get done.
I don't think that's respectful of one's husband or one's kids. We need to set an example for the kids that we all have to do our share, and that means getting stuff under control. And we need to show our husband that we appreciate his effort by putting some effort in ourselves, too.
Now if you work outside the home as well, things are a little different. I'll address that in another post. But if you're at home, caring for the house, you should be caring for the house. I don't mean to make you feel guilty; I just mean to challenge you. It is so much harder to work when there's no one standing over your shoulder. We need to learn to be our own bosses!
One of the things that helped me was developing charts, that I talk about in my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum, that help me get work done more efficiently. Everything has its day, so everything gets done in its time. You don't have to buy the book to get the charts, though: they're available for free download !
Another thing that helped was just that mental switch: I am here to do a job. Am I doing it?
Besides, believe me, your house is so much nicer to live in when it's organized. So let's all get to work!
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
Last night I was cleaning up my kitchen while my 15-year-old practised piano. At one point I paused from my scrubbing, and just listened as her fingers danced across the keyboard playing a deliciously difficult piece.
I love moments like that.
Nine years ago, when she started piano, she did not sound very lovely. She would sit on the bench, her feet dangling over, as she tried to pick out the notes to This Old Man. It was cute, but it wasn't beautiful.
Over the years she has spent countless hours perfecting her skill. And now she can sit down whenever she wants and play a song she heard on the radio. She's had experience.
We instinctively understand that when it comes to instruments. We get it when it comes to most hobbies. We know it’s true of driving, too: you get better with time and effort. I don't think, however, that we give enough credence to the idea that this phenomenon could also apply to other parts of life.
When my children were very small, Keith and I were invited over to dinner to the home of a couple who was then in their late forties. They served a wonderful meal with a beautiful centrepiece and a delicious dessert. Music was drifting in the background. The house was immaculately decorated. Our hostess made the meal look effortless.
The next day, when I looked around my living room to see the mismatched couches, and the toys scattered over the floor, and the distinct lack of dining room table (we ate in the kitchen and had allowed the children to take over the dining room for their craft projects), I felt like a failure. I couldn't have hosted a dinner party even if I had wanted to. I wouldn't know what to make. I wouldn't know where to seat people. And my furniture was terrible.
Fast forward twelve years, and life is very different. I can host a dinner party now, because I have a dining room table again. My 13-year-old makes great centrepieces. I can cook much better (though last year's Christmas dinner was a disaster, but that's another story). My house isn't a mess. And the reason is because I've had practice.
When I think back to that woman in her late forties who entertained us, I think she, too, had simply learned how to be a good hostess. When she was in her late twenties, she had three boys under four. I'm sure her dining room table wasn't huge and spotless. I'm sure her furniture didn't all match, and toys likely littered every surface. But over the years they could slowly afford to buy better furniture. She had practice cooking. The toys were packed away. And life got easier.
We have a tendency, I think, to compare our abilities to keep a nice home, cook a good dinner, balance a chequebook, or manage investments to those of other, older people, like our parents. Perhaps it's time to stop. Your mother's home may have been quite a mess when her children were the age of your children, even if her home is spotless now. Your boss who is so careful with investments may only have learned to be that way because of mistakes and lost opportunities in his twenties. Your father’s ability to grow grass probably is not instinctual; he learned it over decades.
If you're not there yet, relax. Practice makes perfect. We don't learn basic lifes kills overnight. It takes a while to get used to it. So let’s enjoy the journey, rather than always beating ourselves up for not having arrived yet.
Don't miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!
Here at Simplify Your Life month we've been talking about paring down all month.
And today I want to let you dream a bit: what's the one thing you would get rid of in your life, if you could?
Hockey games that you have sitting at, but feel like you have to because you son loves it? All the volunteering you do at church? Laundry? Baby-sitting someone else's kids? A part-time job? In-laws? Grocery shopping? What?
What is your biggest source of stress? What is the one task which, when you have to do it, you groan inside and you have to steel yourself against all the negative feelings that you have?
If you had only one month to live, chances are it would be the first thing that you get rid of, because it's not worth it. There's too much negative energy there, and not enough positive, God-given joy.
Today I want to help you dump that one thing without having to resort to a cancer diagnosis to do so. Don't be scared; it's easier than you think, and it's not going to hurt that much.
1. Identify Your One Thing Think hard about what you do that gives you the most stress. Sometimes we're afraid to admit it to ourselves because it's such a central thing in our lives. But be honest: what is the one thing that drives you the most crazy?
2. What Purpose Does that One Thing play?
What is the purpose of that one thing in the lives of you and your family? For instance, let's say we're talking about hockey for your 9-year-old son. You're sick of getting up at 6 in the morning every Saturday and hauling small children to a cold rink so they can watch their brother. The expense is killing you. You don't like the other parents. But what is the purpose of hockey? It's to give your son competition, fun, exercise, and a social life.
Take a look at those four things for a moment: competition, fun, exercise, and a social life. Can he meet those needs somewhere else? Does it have to be through hockey? Maybe he can join a different league that doesn't play as often. Maybe you can have him go out once in a while when friends rent the ice. Maybe he can join soccer in the summer to get competition, and in the winter you all can go skating together as a family, or take up cross country skiing as exercise. Or maybe you can go for hikes and go tobagonning once the snow comes.
Or what if your one thing is your part-time job. What purpose does that serve? Giving money for the family, right? Can you meet that purpose in another way? Maybe you can save more money by smarter grocery shopping. Maybe you can get a different job, or find a way to make a small amount of money online. Maybe you can help your husband make more money.
Once we figure out the purpose, it's easier to see if the activity itself is necessary, and if there are alternatives to whatever is driving you crazy.
3. Can Others Do It?
What if the thing that is driving you nuts is grocery shopping, or laundry, or keeping the living room clean? Can others do that? Can you divide up the chores and assign these to someone else? Can you hire someone to do some basic cleaning? Can you change the way your family works so that the kids do their own laundry, or fold while they watch TV? Does it have to fall entirely on your plate?
4. Can You Develop a Different Attitude?
Let's say you've tried all that and it doesn't really look like things can change. You can't get rid of it; it's an essential part of your family, even though it drains you.
So the next question is this: can you change the way you think about it? I'll grant you that it's draining, but can you tackle it in a new way?
Let's say, for instance, that the thing you can't get rid of is visiting your grandmother in a nursing home every Saturday. It saps up your time, it's horrendously boring, you get little gratitude, and you feel guilty the whole time you're there because you don't want to be there and you feel like you're letting your children down. But there's no one else to go, and you feel like you need to help her with basic groceries and other things once a week.
Can you instead embrace it as time to yourself to pray? Can you give yourself twenty minutes, while you're shopping for her, just to do have some alone time? Can you bring a book and sit in the food court and read for a few minutes before you go back with her groceries? Can you bring your journal and as you're sitting with her, make that your time to process what's happened this week. Can you read out loud to her, and focus on reading something that you've wanted to read.
Can you simply think of that time and task that you can't get rid of as a chance to give an offering to God of your time and energy?
Some things in life we can't get rid of, but that doesn't mean we have to hate every minute of it. Maybe there's a way to start seeing the blessing in a small amount of time away from the family, or in the quiet space sitting with an older person. It's never going to be the most fun thing you do, but you may be able to change the way you do it so it fits with your style a little bit more, and so that you can derive some intense satisfaction from it, too.
When we're feeling overwhelmed, the tendency is to think that we are trapped: our lives are exactly the way they need to be, and we can't change them. But that's usually not true at all. You always have power to make different choices. So I'd invite you to take a good, hard look at the things that sap your energy the most, and ask yourself these questions. Can something else serve that purpose in our lives? Can somebody else do it? Can I change the way I think about it? You just may find that you have more power than you think after all!
Have you ever had to get rid of your "one thing"? What did you do? Let's talk about it in the comments!
My mind is a little all over the place today, which is probably why I've decided to publish a links post, with a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
But today a major publisher will make a decision about my next book, so if you could say a quick prayer that God will lead them in the right direction (and lead me to accept it no matter what the answer is) that would be great! I really believe in this book, though, so I really want to see it published. And I'll tell you all about it once I can!
Anyway, I stumble. Do you stumble? I don't mean do you fall on your nose all the time, the way my daughter does even when she's going up stairs (I never thought it was possible to fall UP stairs until my daughter came along). I mean I use StumbleUpon, a social media site that helps you discover new sites that might interest you. I wrote a post about it here which you can read to fill you in, but I enjoy it when I'm bored and have a few minutes. I usually discover some pretty cool stuff!
Today I just want to show you the sites I've discovered that relate to organizing, cleaning, or simplifying your life.
Need more incentive to scale back? Here's a really neat graphic of how household compositions and budgets have changed over the decades. Makes an interesting dinner conversation, especially the amount of TV & the average house size!
Simple article on 5 ways to simplify your life. This woman thinks like me! Have a pen and paper handy as you read it, and decide what your 5 ways will be (they don't have to be the same!)
Absolutely gorgeous pictures of kids sharing rooms! I love the bunk beds in the hallway alcove especially. You probably will never decorate this well, but some of her points are profound.
8 Ways to Kill Clutter in 5 Minutes. It's written by a twentysomething guy, but the ideas are good. I'd make my teenage boy learn these tricks!
And I'll end with this: The Secret to Having a Clean Home without Trying. Really quick tips, but here's her main point: clean all the time. I don't mean that every moment of every day you have out the mop. I mean that whenever you're in a room, leave it cleaner than when you got there. See a glass? Bring it downstairs when you leave. If you're in the bathroom and you're brushing your teeth, put away the bottle of Tylenol that's on the counter. If we did this all the time, the house wouldn't get so out of control!
That's more than enough links for today, but I do encourage you to try StumbleUpon. It's not like Facebook where it takes a bunch of time; it's fun just to discover new sites. And remember, if you like a post, you can "thumbs up" it on Stumbleupon here by clicking the "Share on Stumbleupon" button below!
So back to my original topic: we're all trying to organize our lives this month, but I find it hard to get into a routine when I'm worried about something. Today, for instance, I'm supposed to start off by jogging with my daughter and by posting some posts and doing some work, but I don't feel like it one bit because I'm nervous about this publisher's meeting.
But I'm going to try to do it anyway. I find I often give myself excuses not to do things--oh, you don't have to jog because you're too busy/too tired/too worried/too excited. There's always an exception. I can usually talk myself into an exception for just about anything. You don't have to clean today. You don't have to cook dinner tonight. You can't be expected to get that work done.
I want to stop that. I need to develop better habits where I'm not always making excuses for why I don't NEED to do something that's important. Life will always get in the way, but I want to choose how to live life deliberately, rather than letting my life run my day.
So I shall go jogging now, even if I'm nervous. And while I'm doing that, I shall pray for the publisher's meeting.
What about you? Do you make excuses for not having to do things?
It's Simplify your Life month here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and in my introductory post I talked about how we'd be doing three things this month: figuring out your purpose, learning to organize better, and then paring down. We spent last week on the big picture "purpose" issues, and this week I want to spend on organizing.
Here's the warning I issued about organizing, though: I don't think we should become tied down to any one particular system, because sometimes the system itself that we use becomes overwhelming and stops us from feeling organized. Or sometimes a system will work for a time, but you'll lose interest, and then it's time to find something else to recapture your interest and keep you motivated to go again!
When I asked last month what's the one thing that you all want to organize better, the single greatest response I received was, "laundry!" So to kick off organization week, let's tackle laundry!
Later this week we'll also tackle scheduling kids' chores, organizing your kitchen, and keeping communication going between you and your spouse over what needs to get done.
But let's do laundry first!
Let me share how I do it, and then I'm going to link to other systems on the internet for your interest. Then I'd encourage the rest of you to leave your ideas in the comments! Remember, there is no one RIGHT way: when it comes to organizing, you need to find a system that works for your family, and even then you may need to keep renewing that system every few months. But no matter which system you use, one thing that is not negotiable is routine. When it's routine, it gets done with a minimum of fuss. When it's not routine, it doesn't.
So here, without further adieu, are my thoughts:
Washing Routine
1. Keep laundry separated according to how you wash it. I don't separate according to whose clothes they are, because by the time Rebecca got enough whites to do a load, she would have worn the same bra two weeks' straight. I also find that by doing laundry everyday, we don't need as many clothes. Since the girls are on a clothing allowance, they've each decided to only own two pairs of jeans. Because we do our loads together, they can make do with only two pairs more easily. If they had to wait a week between loads, it wouldn't be as easy. So we just pile everyone's clothes in together. Some families with teens have kids do their own loads all at once (and when I was in university I didn't separate whites and colours; I threw them all in using cold water, and nothing really ran and the sky did not fall), but right now I just find it easier to wash everyone's together.
I have four bins: colour, white, delicate, and hand wash. My hand wash is for lingerie and hand knit items (I knit a lot!), and delicate is for almost all sweaters and nice T-shirts. It's probably overkill, but they rarely get really dirty, and if you wash them on delicate they last a lot longer.
Then, every single morning, after I have my shower, I put a load on. Just before I make lunch I put that load in the dryer and I put another load on. Just before I make dinner I put the second load in the dryer, and that's it for me in the day. Two loads of laundry usually does us sufficiently and I don't wash on weekends. That way it's part of my natural weekday habit. If you work outside the home, you can do the same thing. Put a load on first thing in the morning, and then another as soon as you step in the door after work.
The Folding Dilemma
Folding is far more haphazard; I fold while I take up schoolwork with the girls, or we all fold together while we talk about whatever novels they're reading for history and get into debates. I believe in multitasking! The big thing with laundry is that you MUST fold it, or it wrinkles horribly and it sits all over your bed and your floor.
Get in the habit of washing at set times and folding at set times, and it's much easier!
I highly envy those who live in climates where you can dry clothes outside year round. I do not live in such a place, but in the summer I'd hang the clothes out right after breakfast and right after lunch, and it always worked fine.
Getting the Laundry to the Laundry Room
As difficult as it may be to figure out how and when to wash, getting the clothes to the machine is just as much an issue. My girls each have a hamper in their closet that they are responsible for emptying. It's part of their daily chores, and everyday, after they make their beds, they're to empty their hamper. They've done it since they were four, and it works fine.
But I have a secret to admit. I don't have a hamper. In the mornings, my husband and I throw our dirty clothes by the door to our bedroom, and then when I leave the bedroom, I scoop them up and take them to the laundry room. Isn't that horrible? I know, one should never put clothes on the floor, but honestly, they're never there long! I don't mind my husband leaving his stuff there because I do, too, and it's no more work to add his socks to the bundle of clothing I'm already carrying of my own.
Of course, there are much more elaborate systems for laundry, and if you're looking for one, or if you're overwhelmed because you need to do more than two loads a day, here are a few more thoughts:
1. Often the reason laundry becomes overwhelming is because we are washing things that are not really dirty. Children, especially, have a habit of throwing things in the hamper because it is easier than putting them away.
Have a conference with your family to decide your own rules on how often pants should be worn before they're washed; how often towels can be used before they're washed; how often sheets should be changed; how often pajamas should be changed. Personally, I wear jeans a good four times before I wash them, unless I spill something on them or I'm in a smoky place. They really don't get dirty. Sheets we change every week, and pajamas once a week. Towels are more haphazard.
But many children change clothes several times a day, just for fun, and when they do change they throw their clothes in the hamper. By the time you discover that clean clothes are in the hamper, they've already mixed with wet towels, so you have no choice but to wash them. Often the reason we have so much laundry, then, is because we're washing things that aren't actually dirty.
So talk to your kids about how often they need to wash certain items, and if they keep putting clean clothes in the washing machine, then I'd start making it their job to wash and fold all the laundry, or making them pay $1 out of their allowance for that load of unnecessary laundry!
2. Keeping track of which clothes are whose can also be a challenge. Buy one child all green underwear and another all white. Buy one boy all grey socks and another all black socks. Try to keep the basics that we get mixed up to single colours, so that you know whose is whose. And take a permanent marker and write a child's initials on the tag so you know whose it is. If the item is then passed down, use a different colour permanent marker.
Now, here are some other great laundry links:
Laura from Organizing Junkie just has her kids do their own loads--and loves it! No more sorting. Read her thoughts here.
If you want pictures, here's a great post with different hampers, small and large laundry rooms, and more to give you inspiration.
One last problem: I still haven't come up with a solution to the single sock phenomenon. But I cannot bring myself to throw out single socks. So I have a box under my bed. Here it is. Did any of you steal the mates?
Now, what are your thoughts? How do you do laundry? Did you find a system worked better for you at a different stage in your life? Let me know in the comments, and let's help each other!
How has Simplify Your Life month been going for you? I've been decluttering, and learning how to "snatch" more time with God so that we can move on to our big task next week: Figuring out our purpose!
But in the meantime, here are some quick things you may find helpful:
Unload all the spices onto the kitchen table. Unscrew every lid. If you can’t smell a nice aroma or any aroma for that fact, pitch it. Once it looses its odor, all you’re left with is clutter, not a useful spice.
2. Sex: It's Not All About Him
Christianity.Ca reprinted one of my Wifey Wednesdays this week, and I reread it and realized I really liked it, so I thought it's worth linking to again!
3. Books I Love
I've written recently about books that I haven't loved--they've been okay, but they haven't been great.
But on this lazy weekend (it's Thanksgiving up here for us Canadians), I'd like to tell you about one that I've really enjoyed.
Lynn Austin is a wonderful author. Her book Eve's Daughters is probably one of my favourite Christian fiction books, tracing three generations of women and showing how the mistakes of the mother often impacts the decisions of the daughter. Really lovely story of redemption.
I was sent another of hers to review recently, and it touched me, too. Called While We're Far Apart, it's the story of a sad lonely young woman who all of a sudden gets the opportunity of a lifetime. The widowed man she's been in love with since she's a child has signed up to fight in World War II, but his mother won't look after the kids. She promises to step in and care for them, picturing it as just a stepping stone towards him eventually falling in love with her.
But her plans don't go as she thought. As she moves out of her repressive parents' home and begins to exercise some independence, she learns the world isn't as mean and small as her parents made it out to be--and that there is much more waiting for her than just her figments of dreams. And the drama going on behind the scenes as the children and the neighbours make important discoveries about their identity is beautiful.
Most moving of all is the story of a Hungarian Jewish neighbour, heartbroken because his son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter are stuck in Nazi held land, and he has no idea if they're alive or dead.
The idea of "total war" is foreign to us today. Sure, we still fight wars, but it doesn't affect the rest of the population. Most of us go on with our daily lives with not a thought to the conflict. And yet there was a time where the whole world sat with bated breath, waiting for the outcome. It was the most trying time ever, but it was also a time when character was born, and in this story we see that. It's a lovely read, and it's one that I would also give two thumbs up for teens (I'm always looking for safe books for my teenagers to read). So go ahead and try that one!
I also loved Austin's Though Waters Roar, which I read this summer. She's probably my favourite Christian author right now.
Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group.
And that's about it! I'm taking a lazy weekend, and looking forward to finding a new knitting pattern to try, and enjoying my mother's turkey tomorrow night!
I've been talking lately to Deb Mantel, a professional organzier dedicated to "making women's lives more manageable. She's been taking some of my speaking training, and I've been drooling over her organizing skills, like this picture of "spaces with soul" up on her website. I love art like that on the walls, but I've never figured out how to get it there. The whole picture says peace to me, but I can never seem to achieve that in my house.
But even if I'm not perfectly decorated (I have too much of an ADD personality to be a decorator), I have gotten a lot more organized over the last few years. And so I thought I'd ask Deb some of the questions that we deal with a lot at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, since she knows so much about organizing. So here goes:
Are women more organized today or less organized today than our grandmothers were?
I think women are less organized than our grandmothers simply because the options and choices of how to spend their time, energy and money are overwhelming. Women in earlier generations may have had a lot on their plate, but it was all related around the home and family. Usually they were stay-at-home moms and there was not a lot of carpooling or activities to keep them running around.
I often hear women complain that they’re too busy. Are we, or have we just not figured out how to organize our lives best?
I think we are too busy. In his book Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives, Dr. Richard Swenson defines margin as the space that should exist between our load and our limits. Whether it’s our finances, our emotions, our health or our schedules, we need margin for several reasons. First, because life happens. If we are filled to the brim emotionally, maxed out financially, and booked solid, then we have no room to respond to the stuff of life that happens all around us. Second, as Christians, margin allows us to have room to hear God and to respond to what He brings into our lives. Ideally, we have margin in our lives so that we (and all that we have) are available to God and His plans and purposes.
Do you think we have too much stuff? I know I have too much stuff, and I spend my life weeding it out. What’s the psychological effect of too much stuff?
We have way too much stuff and it can really sap us of energy. We struggle with always wanting more, often because we think it will fill us. But too much stuff can actually rob us in many ways—our time (it takes time to shop for things, to take care of things), our health (too much stuff often leads to disorganization which causes stress), our space (instead of having room in our lives and homes, we often need to rent storage units to house the excess), and even relationships (the more we are managing our “stuff,” the less time we have to build relationships). Relationships should always trump stuff!
I think I’m more organized the older I get (and the older my children get). Can you give any tips for being organized when you have very little ones underfoot?
Clear away as much clutter as you can so that you have less to maintain. Set up very simple storage systems so that kids know what goes where and can access things and put them away easily. Keep your schedule as free as possible and try not to over-schedule your kids. I remind women that our children look at us to see what a life with Jesus is like. When they look at us, do they get a glimpse of the Good Shepherd, who leads us beside the still waters? Or do they view Jesus as a hard taskmaster, always driving us to do more, be more, have more! The question is not can Jesus give us rest (Matt. 11:28), but do we want what he offers ENOUGH to let go of what He ISN’T calling us to.
What do you do when you want to keep an organized home and your husband feels it’s entirely your job? What about when he leaves dirty socks all over the house, for instance, or doesn’t encourage the kids to do chores because it’s “mom’s job”. Any advice?
That’s a hard situation to be in. Ideally, some healthy communication needs to happen so that the husband can understand that keeping a house organized is not something one family member can do alone. It’s like any team effort (husbands can usually understand sports!). It takes the entire “team” to win the game. Everyone has a role to play. As early as possible, children should be shown how to take care of their belongings and how to respect common living spaces (by keeping them neat and not leaving personal items/messes around).
How can we teach kids to be organized, especially when it comes to schoolwork and responsibilities?
It’s important to help children learn the connection between “responsibilities” and “privileges” from an early age. This can help down the road when the tendency is for Mom to nag at the kids all the time. Besides the responsibility of helping the home “team” keep the house running smoothly, children need to learn that their main “job” during this season in their lives is to study and develop their minds (school). Whether they are home-schooled or attend public or private school, homework and staying on top of their studies is one of the “responsibilities” that come with that “job.” Privileges (special outings, activities with friends, movies, tv, etc. are tied to responsibilities). When we can help our children to see that it is their “choice” whether they earn the privilege or not, it takes the onus off of Mom to stay after them all the time. It takes a lot of time and effort, but it’s worth making this clear when they are young!
I think that's all great advice! What resonated with you most? What do you want to talk about some more? Let me know in the comments, so we can keep helping each other!
Deb Mantel is a professional organizer and a songwriter and speaker. Find her at www.debmantel.com.
Last month The Happy Housewife tried to help us organize our homes, and one day recently she wrote about paper clutter.
I hate paper clutter.
And the biggest culprit in our house is charities. We get so many charitable appeals it's ridiculous.
I'm quite a pushover, and a few years ago I would give $20 here and $20 there, and feel better about myself. But I realized eventually that the mail just multiplied. I guess we got on multiple charity mailing lists, and soon we were getting solicitations from everyone.
So last year my husband and I sat down and whittled our charities down to just a handfull, who get a lot of money each, rather than a bunch who each get less. I figured that once we stopped giving to so many, they'd stop mailing.
And in most cases it's true, but back in 1993 I gave $20 to MADD, and they only stopped mailing me a year ago. Don't ever give to MADD.
Some charities really pull at your heartstrings by sending you beautiful cards, and then asking you to donate money to "pay" for the cards. I used to give in to that, but now I don't. I just keep the cards. Is that bad? I just can't stand people mailing me stuff when I didn't ask for it.
Or what about the people that send you address labels? Again, I'd use the labels, but I don't send them any money anymore. I suppose it must work, or they'd stop doing it, but I have to admit I resent it.
Charity phone calls drive me nuts, too. I just refuse to give on the phone anymore. I don't want to encourage marketing calls, so I never respond, even if it's something I would normally give to. I always figure they can just email me, and then I can answer at my leisure, rather than interrupting my dinner.
The funniest comeback I ever heard to a telemarketer was by a comedian named Tom Mabe, who makes a living doing this. Here's how he pranked one poor guy. Warning: some rather rude language, but if you can get past that, and ignore the silly ending, it's quite funny. I would never have the guts to do this, and I think it's a little cruel to the poor schlep who's just got a lousy job, but it fulfills all those fantasies of what you just WISH you could say to get people off of your back:
But I find that I spend several minutes everyday opening and recycling mail, without ever responding to it. It is such a pain.
So what do you do? How do you get people to stop sending you solicitations? How do you deal with all your paper clutter? I'd love to know!
Interesting discussion on Wifey Wednesday yesterday! And great links in the Mcklinky! I hope you all clicked through.
One thing struck me while I was reading the comments, though. So often in life we get caught up in the big things: Do we have enough money? Do we communicate well? Do I feel happy in this relationship? Are my kids heading in the right direction?
And yet the things that often determine our state of mind are often not those big things. It's often little things.
When we have clutter and disorganization, it makes us feel antsy. It's like an undercurrent to everything you do. It's not always there, easily evident, but it's quaking under the surface. And when we're feeling antsy about our home, it tends to lead to us also feeling antsy about other things in our lives. On the other hand, when we feel peaceful about our homes, we tend to approach the other elements in our lives with a more peaceful attitude. And that matters. Do we start off seeing things in a positive way, or in a negative way? It's often these little things, and not the big things, that determine how we see the rest of life.
For instance, when we're bothered by little things, especially these little things our husbands do, we tend to see our marriage in a more negative light, even if the rest of the relationship is great. It's those things that we deal with constantly that can wear us down, which is why I think it's important to do something about the little things.
Do you remember Rudy Giuliani and the broken windows theory? Here's the essence of it:
When Giuliani became mayor of New York, the city was in shambles. Nobody was scared of the police or even respected the police. The populace didn't feel safe. People stayed off the subways because they were dirty and dangerous. Graffiti was everywhere. And crime was rampant.
Instead of telling the cops to concentrate on the big crimes, which is what they had been doing, Giuliani had them focus on the small crimes. They began by cleaning the graffiti off the subways. Then they started arresting all the "subway jumpers"--those people who jumped over the turnstiles to ride the subways without paying. If there was a broken window, he fixed it.
People made fun of him, saying that he was focusing on the wrong thing. But he felt that these small things were symptomatic. When you let people get away with small things, they try bigger things. And having these small things wrong leads the populace to feel unsafe. Focus on the small things, and criminals are deterred and the population feels safer. Besides, as you pick up people for graffiti, you tend to also pick up the same people who are involved in armed robbery.
And Giuliani was proven right. The crime rate dropped, and New York became a very safe city.
So what are the broken windows in your life? What are you just letting go, that can lead to bigger problems?
Let me suggest a few:
1. Clutter, as we already talked about. When we feel like the house is disorganized, soon everything else becomes disorganized.
Can I give a few suggestions, based on comments? If your husband is keeping things for sentimental reasons (grandma gave these to me), then value that sentiment, but try to direct it to something more positive. For instance, if he has 15 knickknacks that remind him of Grandma that are scattered all over the house, have him pick one that is especially meaningful, and then give it a prized possession over the fireplace or in the middle of a bookshelf. Then get rid of the rest. Ask him to share with you what memories that piece has. What memories does he have of Grandma? And then when others are over, tell them about it. Keep that memory alive (he is, after all, entitled to feel kindly towards Grandma), but do it in such a way that he really does honour her, rather than simply scattering her stuff around).
2. Silly to-do piles. One of the comments mentioned that her husband had piles and piles of trade magazines, that he hated to throw out because there may be an article in there somewhere he might want to clip and save. We women do similar things. We save magazines for the same reason. We save photos because "one day I'll scrapbook those". We save all kinds of stuff because we honestly want to do something with them. We save all our receipts because we mean to keep track of every penny we spend.
But we don't. No one has that much time. And by keeping the piles, it's a constant reminder that you're lazy and that you have a ton of stuff to do. You can never truly relax in a house that has piles and piles of to do stuff.
This woman who commented took her husband's magazines and threw them out. I think that's liberating! Be honest with yourself: what is necessary to do? In this online world, so much is at the tip of your fingers you really don't need to save papers and magazines anymore. With your finances, is keeping track of bills enough, or do you want to track every penny? Are you really going to scrapbook that? If you truly don't need it, junk it. Nothing is worth making you feel that overwhelmed.
3. Television. Another thing that can sap our energy and our mood is television. Watching too many dark shows, or too many movies with a ton of swearing, just wears you down without you really knowing it. It's another small thing that can distort your attitude towards the rest of your life.
4. Sleep. When you don't get enough sleep, everything seems more hopeless. I know it's hard when you have little kids, but really try to prioritize getting to bed early. Carve out time during the day when you can snatch moments to yourself, so you don't have to do it at night. Put a video on for an hour. It won't kill the kids (don't do more than that, but I think that's okay). Find a craft you can do while they play in the same room. Whatever! But do get enough sleep.
So that's my advice: tend to the small things in your life. Don't let your home get too disorganized. Don't have massive piles of to do stuff you'll never actually do. Don't watch bad stuff on TV. And sleep. Do those four things, and you'll be amazed at how your outlook on life (and your marriage) will change!
UPDATE: Hello Org Junkie readers! This was a New Year's Challenge I had, but read down for some great pointers on what to do with clutter! Plus I like showing off my before and after pictures :).
Have you taken me up on my challenge yesterday yet? If not, I'm going to give you a chance to do so again today!
The challenge was to take some of these slow days between Christmas and New Year's and actually tidy and declutter the one area of your house you're scared to go in. I have two such areas, but I tackled one yesterday, and it looks awesome!
Here's a before:
And here's an after:
A few more:
And here's younger daughter vacuuming the TV with older daughter being silly:
Here's the challenge when you're decluttering, though. What do you do with all the stuff you want to get rid of? You don't want to contribute to landfill, so what do you do? Here are a few thoughts:
1. Give to thrift stores (if it works and if it's sellable). Don't just dump stuff that you would normally put in the trash. But if it's usable, give it.
2. Find families with younger children than yours and pass it on! We recently passed on about 30 Groovy Girls complete with clothing and furniture. What a great present for those little girls, now that our girls have grown out of them!
3. If you have old clothing, bedding, or linens, but they're too worn to be reused, ask at your local Salvation Army if they still need them. Someone at our Salvation Army, for instance, collects such stuff and sells it by the ton to a company who shreds it up and turns it into mattresses. Chances are there are such opportunities around. Just keep these donations separate from the wearable clothing, and be sure to let the Salvation Army know what you're giving them.
4. Do you have a Green Building Store in your area? We have a store where you can purchase salvaged household building supplies. If you're ripping out cupboards, getting rid of carpet, changing faucets, or anything like that, you may be able to drop it off at such a store. You never know who may find it useful!
5. Ask around about what people involved in missions would like. We're collecting yarn and towels, for instance, for a trip we're taking in March to Africa. We've started a knitting microbusiness program with some graduated girls from a children's home, and we're bringing a lot of that old acrylic yarn everyone buys from WalMart and then never does anything with. We're taking a ton of knitting needles and crochet hooks, too. If you have old craft supplies, see if someone on short term missions projects can use them.
Often schools have knitting programs, and they may be able to use craft supplies. You can also try churches with clubs groups during the week, or Boys and Girls after school clubs that are always looking for things for the kids to do. Some of them would surely love old construction paper, or markers, or yarn, or whatever.
Senior citizens homes and retirement homes often are eager for craft supplies (and sometimes even more eager for people to come in and start a knitting project with them). So if you have knitting/crocheting things you don't use, you may be able to get rid of them that way.
6. Have furniture you're willing to get rid of for free? Try putting a notice in your church bulletin, or putting up a notice in your local grocery store or local community college. Someone's sure to want it!
7. Finally, don't forget about ways to reuse things you already have. I've taken old flannel pyjamas and fleece sweatshirts and sewn them into sanitary pads to take to Africa. I know it sounds gross, but take a look at these pictures:
You can read instructions in this post on how to make them.
And I've also taken old sweaters that are out of fashion or that I don't like anymore and reclaimed the yarn.
Here's a sweater that was too small:
I'll write a separate post, with pictures, on how I got the yarn, but suffice it to say that I have seven pink skeins of wool that I'm excited to turn into something new!
I've even covered pillows that were ugly with a new cover that I've knit. Hey, it uses up yarn and an old pillow!
8. Don't forget about regifting. But I don't just mean giving away gifts you've been given. Lots of things can be transformed into gifts. Old mugs can be stuffed with homemade chocolate truffles. Wicker baskets, napkins, or tea towels make great gifts, too. Just stuff them with homemade cookies or buns, and you have a housewarming gift! So just because your mugs don't work for you anymore, or you have too many teacups, don't get rid of them! Keep them and use them as gifts.
9. Remember consignment stores or second hand stores. Many places will pay you $1 for a DVD or a CD. Great way to purge some of those collections. Others will pay you 20% of the cover price on paperbacks. So don't just throw out your old books. See if you can turn them into money.
I think that's it! But if you have any other great ideas on what to do with older things if you don't want to fill landfill, do leave them in the comments! And if you feel inspired now to clean up one of your cluttered spaces, why not take before and after photos and leave the link in this post? Then we all can congratulate you!
Hello Org Junkie readers! Great to see you here! Why not stay and look around a bit? I've got lots of posts on marriage, parenting, and more!
How was your Christmas? I had a lovely time, more or less. The girls enjoyed their presents, I to some things I really enjoyed, but best of all we had a quiet few days with family and friends, playing games, reading, and just taking it easy.
On Boxing Day I swore to myself I wouldn't even get dressed. It was my day to relax and read. Unfortunately I only made it until 11:30 when I succumbed to the need for shower and normal clothes, but my youngest daughter made it through the whole day in her jammies!
This week coming up we're having several parties for teenagers. I'm starting to notice that once you have teens, they take over your social calendar. Instead of having people over for what I want to do, I'm having all my kids' friends over. But I enjoy their friends, and I do appreciate the fact that they're hanging out at my house rather than somewhere else!
In the meantime, though, I do have a week off before real life begins, and even though we're going to have a few parties in there, I plan to do some major organization (and relatively little "real" work). I have a hard time functioning when I feel like I can't find certain things, or there are some rooms in my house I'm scared to go in because they're so overwhelming.
I tackled our storage room before Christmas, and it's great now. This week I want to tackle our family room and my study. The family room is just a mass of craft supplies and knitting, and it needs to be sorted out, not least so that I can do my exercises down there with the Wii. I got a new Wii game for Christmas--the EA sports--and I'm looking forward to using it. Or at least I'm trying to look forward to using it. If I could get away with not exercising at all, that, naturally, would be better. But since I have to do something, that sounds infinitely more attractive than jogging in the snow.
Anyway, the family room just needs to be upended, and today the girls and I are going to attack. We're actually quite excited about it. Here are some pictures of what it looks like now:
Doesn't that seriously need some work?
But I do wonder sometimes if disorganization causes depression rather than the other way around. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, after watching some TV shows in a hotel about people who just have too much stuff and are overwhelmed about how to clean it all. It struck me that perhaps at one point they were functioning, but then things got so bad that their brains couldn't handle it. How do you tackle such a mess? And living in a mess is not healthy. Our brains don't tend to handle chaos well.
We often believe that people with mental illness don't clean, but I wonder if it's the chaos that sometimes exacerbates and causes mental illness. And even if it's not as bad as an actual psychiatric disorder, I bet a lot of women are more depressed and lethargic than they should be simply because their homes are so out of control. Get the home in control, and suddenly you'd feel like you had a ton more energy.
The "housewifely" arts have fallen by the wayside in the last few decades, but they're still important. Having a clean, organized home (not a perfect home, but an organized one) goes so far in helping us maintain schedules, deal with crises, and relax. You can find things when you need them. Your home is a fun place to be.
I know that's hard with little kids, but I think it's still worth the effort. And if, like me, you have a week off before any real life begins again, why not tackle the worst place in your house? Do it in 15 minute blocks if you have to. And if it feels overwhelming, and you don't know where to start, go into the room and look at the first thing you see. Pick it up. And decide what to do with it. Just start with the first thing you can touch.
Bring in a garbage bag, a few boxes for transporting things to other rooms, and a big glass of water. And stick to the one room. If you find things that belong in another room, don't put them there yet. Just put them in a box to deal with later. Most of all, try to throw as much stuff out as possible. The vast majority of us have way too much stuff anyway.
So how about it? Are you with me? Let's clean something that really needs it, and start the new year off with a burst of energy. I'll post some after pictures later in the day, and I'll put up a MckLinky if you want to post yours from the week.
If you don't want to go the picture route, just leave a note in the comments about what you need to clean! Or if you're a perfectly organized person and nothing needs cleaning, leave a note and tell us how you've managed to attain such a glorious position in life!
Thanks for joining me, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Let's say you have three kids. They're each involved in two activities a week: swimming, karate, gymnastics, skating, hockey. That doesn't seem too bad, does it? Every kid wants to do at least two activities.
But add that up, and it means you're never eating dinner together as a family! You're spending your life on the road, grabbing take-out food.
Is gymnastics really worth losing your family over?
And what about your own activities? Are you getting so busy with your own stuff that you have no time for those around you who need you?
Listen in to today's podcast, and figure out how you can reclaim your family--and your sanity! It's right here.
This is embarrassing. But I am going to let you in on what my computer desk used to look like. Take a gander at this:
And that's not even the worst it's been. But the problem was I had two computers (my laptop and a big clunky one) and a huge printer and a ton of paper. And my filing cabinets on both sides of the desk were full.
So recently I took a day and redid the entire office. We bought this cool new computer desk that looks like an armoire when it's all closed up. But it holds file drawers, binders, paper, and all kinds of stuff. Take a look now:
I just feel so much better. Now I don't always work there. I frequently take my computer into the dining room and work where the kids are. But when I am at my desk, I can find things, and everything has a place.
The neatest thing is how we bought that armoire. It was $1000. But it was also discontinued. So they gave us the floor model for only $497. And it was already assembled. Life is good.
I find so often when I get frustrated about clutter the problem is not me. It's my furniture. I really have no place to put important papers or computer equipment or yarn or whatever it is I'm trying to hide. In my old age I'm beginning to realize that it's better to invest in good pieces of furniture that have storage than in cheap stuff that doesn't. I will never buy anything again that does not have some sort of a drawer. Even my kids' beds have drawers under them!
It's not that we have a lot of stuff. It's just that you want to be able to find it. We do purge quite frequently, but you have to keep on top of it. Even what you do have you won't be able to find unless it's in a logical place.
I feel so much better in my office now. I redid the whole room as a guest room. I've never had a guest room before, but now that we can close the computer away, it looks more like one. We have a futon in there, and I've moved my sewing machine into my closet so that I have a sewing nook. That's not ready to be photographed yet, but after another day of tackling, maybe I'll show you that, too!
Do you need some inspiration today to clean up some small part of your home? Don't fret about it. Just take 15 minutes. Just 15 minutes. You can do it. Even if it's overwhelming, doing little bits in little bites can make the job seem more manageable.
So tackle something today! You'll feel infinitely better.
Right now I am stressed. I have a surprise party I'm planning on Saturday, another party on Friday afternoon, and all next week I'm working with a group of 15 children from a Kenyan orphanage to put together a show that they can use on a choir tour for fundraising. It's just a lot of work!
So I have all these to-do lists in my head. And when I get overcommitted (my husband's birthday would have to come in the middle of Easter and these kids visiting), I get stressed.
I think lack of organization is the cause of most of our stress. I'm getting it under control today, but I believe that most of us, if we were more organized, and less cluttered, would also be better mothers, better wives, and better employees, because we'd be able to concentrate on what's important, rather than worrying because we don't know where stuff is or what we're supposed to be doing.
So today, on Works for Me Wednesday, I just want to point you to some resources that I have found really helpful! A couple of them are paid things, but they're really cheap and I find them worth their weight in gold!
Now, how about Food Storage Tips? These gals are awesome, and they help give awesome checklists and ideas for figuring out what your essentials are, developing grocery lists, and more! http://foodstoragemadeeasy.net/
The Ultimate Homeschool Moms Book, to organize everything in your life, from goal setting to menu planning and lesson planning and exercising. Really great resource, with everything you'll need from kindergarten to graduation. And it's really CHEAP!
Donna Young, with tons more organization charts and calendars, especially those you can print out yourself and make into little daytimers. Lots of fun stuff!
FitDay. Don't join up with expensive weight loss groups! You can track your exercise, food intake, calories, fat, etc. all at one FREE website. And you can set goals for yourself!
Menu Plan Monday. Writing menus early in the week for the week ahead helps cure so much aggravation later. So drop on by OrgJunkie to participate in Menu Plan Monday, or just read other people's menus! Chances are you can use theirs, and your work is done!
Dine Without Whine. Here's a way to take ALL the worry out of menu planning. They do it for you, and write up your grocery lists. It's awesome. And it's only a penny to try it for a month, so it's really risk free. They also give great tips on getting your kids to eat healthy, and specials for how to celebrate every holiday. Dine Without Whine - A Family Friendly Weekly Menu Planner
Flylady. The grandmother of all organization sites. She keeps you on your toes, cleaning your home and organizing everything in sight! Some women swear by her, some find it overwhelming. But try it for even a little bit. The habits she starts in you will bear major dividends!
Organize Your Photos Without Losing Your Mind! Wondering what to do with all those photos you have sitting in boxes? Organize them so they tell a real story. Figure out what it's okay to throw out, what you should save, and how you should save it. Takes you through a great program for getting your mementoes in order. Click Here!
Add your own in the comments! I'd love to see some new ones!
But seriously, girls. Let's get organized. Have a huge garage sale this spring and get rid of all the stuff you don't use. Let's get our homes decluttered and our lives decluttered, and we'll find we're much nicer to live with!
Thanks for stopping by! Please stay and look around a bit! I've got great posts on marriage, parenting, and more!
The worst thing a husband can do to a stay at home mom when he comes home after work is to look around the house with disdain and ask, "what did you do all day?".
Them's fighting words!
And we all know it. We tell jokes about inept men like that. We laugh at them.
And yet, ladies, I want to talk just between you and me right now. Hopefully no men are listening. Do we always work as hard as we can during the day? Or do we sometimes goof off?
I know I goof off a lot. Of course, that's only natural, because being home all day with kids is exhausting. We need our rejuvenating time, we argue. We need our time to ourselves. And that is very true.
But do we put our 100% in?
Part of the problem, I think, is that motherhood is not a job. We're not getting paid, and no one is looking over our shoulder (except God, I suppose). No one has made a list of all you have to accomplish today. No one is grading your performance. No one is going to fire you. So the only way to get things done around the house is by self-motivation.
What if you don't have any?
That's a tough one, isn't it? Now looking after little ones is a full-time job. I remember how exhausted I was when my children were little. And I decided that my primary responsibility was to them first, and the house (or apartment, as it was at the time) second. We would take outings every day, and I would read to them, and play with them, and make homemade baby food, and cook healthy meals, and make sure their laundry was done and their room cleaned, but the rest of the house suffered. I know that bothered my husband, but I figured he didn't have much to say about it because the kids were getting stimulated, and that was the important thing.
Looking back, I'm not sure what I would have done much differently, except perhaps get more organized at cleaning. But the kids were my primary responsibility!
What I wish I had had, at the time, was a more organized approach to housework. If I could have kept things neat, a lot of the chaos in our lives would have disappeared. And quite frankly, I did waste a lot of time. My children were wonderfully cared for, but the house was not.
But as the kids grew older, my housework didn't improve that much, either. I just didn't like cleaning, and I found it overwhelming. It was a definite tension between my husband and me, because he wanted the living room neat, and I felt the children took precedence (or really, my right not to have to clean everyday took precedence!). When I finally realized how important it was to him, I made it a priority to have that room clean when he came home, as an act of love. And when I started doing that, I realized I did actually have quite a bit of time for cleaning, if you do it systematically.
When you treat motherhood like a job, you get things done. When you treat it like a big party with the kids, where you all get to goof off, you don't. I loved those years with my children when they were babies, and I was awfully young myself, so I'm not beating myself up about it. But today, now that the kids are older, I have to ask myself everyday: am I working today? Or am I goofing off?
My husband is working, and doing wonderful things for our family. I owe him some effort, too. That doesn't mean that I don't take time to myself; but it does mean that I need to start seeing some of the organizational tasks that need to get done around the house as my job. Not because I'm female, but simply out of fairness: if he works, I should work.
I know many homes where she stays home with the kids, but she doesn't necessarily "work". She has the TV on all day, or she's on Facebook as much as possible, or she's reading a book. Sure she plays with the kids, but stuff around the house just doesn't get done.
I don't think that's respectful of one's husband or one's kids. We need to set an example for the kids that we all have to do our share, and that means getting stuff under control. And we need to show our husband that we appreciate his effort by putting some effort in ourselves, too.
Now if you work outside the home as well, things are a little different. I'll address that in another post. But if you're at home, caring for the house, you should be caring for the house. I don't mean to make you feel guilty; I just mean to challenge you. It is so much harder to work when there's no one standing over your shoulder. We need to learn to be our own bosses!
One of the things that helped me was developing charts, that I talk about in my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum, that help me get work done more efficiently. Everything has its day, so everything gets done in its time. You don't have to buy the book to get the charts, though: they're available for free download right here!
Another thing that helped was just that mental switch: I am here to do a job. Am I doing it?
Besides, believe me, your house is so much nicer to live in when it's organized. Trust me! So let's all get to work.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
, which I read this summer. She's probably my favourite Christian author right now.
, Dr. Richard Swenson defines margin as the space that should exist between our load and our limits. Whether it’s our finances, our emotions, our health or our schedules, we need margin for several reasons. First, because life happens. If we are filled to the brim emotionally, maxed out financially, and booked solid, then we have no room to respond to the stuff of life that happens all around us. Second, as Christians, margin allows us to have room to hear God and to respond to what He brings into our lives. Ideally, we have margin in our lives so that we (and all that we have) are available to God and His plans and purposes.
