It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! This summer I've asked a few people to guest post to give me a bit of a break, and this Wifey Wednesday is brought to you by Cari Kaufman from Strings Attached Ministries.
This week our Marriage Champions discussion group focused a very heavy topic, you ready?….duh-duh-dun….household responsibilities. And while at first, it may seem like small potatoes in the land of marriage enrichment (I mean we are discussing difficult topics like communication, conflict management and sexual intimacy here), what we discovered is that “neglect of home and family” is second only to “mental cruelty” as a stated reason for divorce. That’s right, household responsibilities are no small potatoes in marriage.
I don’t think that revelation came as a surprise to most of the women in the room. I pray that it didn’t come as a big surprise to most of the men. Get this: it is estimated that 86% of all marital conflicts are over division of labor in the household. 86%! More than money, or disciplining kids, or sex- more arguments are over who is going to do the dishes tonight. I knew it was a big deal, but I was kind of floored by the numbers.
As we were sharing about the common stumbling blocks that interfere with a healthy relationship, there were several that caught my attention. But I think my own personal revelation as I was telling a story about socks really drove home what this whole Marriage Champions thing is all about in a nutshell. It’s about how we show love. I know, deep epiphany, right? But hang with me here.
Yep, I almost walked right out the door of the home that God had made for me….over socks.
It shouldn’t have been a big deal. Charlie approached me very gently with a pair of socks in his hand. A pair of socks I had carefully smoothed, rolled and folded together with the happy little smiling face shining out at him. He said calmly and sweetly, “Hey, Sweetie, do you think that you could not fold my socks like this? It stretches the cuff and they don’t stay up as well.”
To Charlie, this was a reasonable request. He was even helping me out by lightening my load a bit…he certainly didn’t expect the total meltdown that ensued.
“I guess the way I fold socks is not good enough for you! Do you know how long it took me to do that!?”
The conversation just went downhill from there. Then I proceeded to dredge up all the other recent discussions on laundry we had had in the last few months. (He and I do it very differently, to this day.) Charlie, for his part, reeling in the shock of my explosion, disengaged. Ugh! Not a good move. Disengaging only fed my anger and we began a vicious feedback loop which only went away after a four-hour cool down period.
My point to my ramblings is this. None of that was about socks.
It was about love.
You see my Daddy was a navy man. From the time I was a little girl, I had learned to fold socks with little smiley faces. It was how he taught me, and how he liked (and still likes) his socks folded. I don’t know if my mom likes to fold socks that way, I just know that she does. Because it is not about socks…It’s about love.
When Charlie rejected the way that I folded socks, in my mind, he wasn’t rejecting the socks…he was rejecting me. My love. My service. My smiley faces. He had no idea. To him it was just a sock that wouldn’t stay up because the cuff was stretched out. To me, it was an act of love. You see, it wasn’t the tip of the iceberg (doing laundry) that sank the Titanic. It was the huge hunk of ice beneath the surface of the water (my emotional attachment to that task) that ripped the hull in two.
Of course, at the time, neither of us understood that the laundry wasn’t the issue. It wasn’t until we started to do research on healthy marriages and put the effort into understanding our relationship that we were given the tools to identify the real issues behind the seemingly little things that can hurt or build a relationship. I encourage you to do some research and soul-searching in your own marriage. You’d be surprised how many tiny little things your spouse does everyday to say, “I love you!”
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you struggled with differences in doing household tasks? Or do you have something else to share with us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
From Army officer to stay-at-home mom to professional speaker, Cari Kaufman's experiences give her a unique perspective into everyday life. Cari is using her ministry, Strings Attached Ministries, to bring groups and teams together to common ground to build up women’s ministry groups all over the world. Cari lives with her fabulous husband, Charlie in the heart of Northwest Arkansas and they have two amazing children, Alexander and Elizabeth.
Follow Cari on Facebook, Twitter, or visit her website for more information on booking her to speak to your group.
Shortly after Osama bin Laden was killed, Rush Limbaugh apparently was talking up a storm because he said on his show that with three wives, you'd think Osama's house would have been a little neater.
I really don't want to debate whether that comment was offensive to women or not, because that's not where I'm going with this, though if you'd like to comment on it, you're more than welcome. I don't listen to Rush; don't get him on my radio up here in Canada. But I saw a link to this transcript, and I thought this was interesting:
Folks, it was a pigsty. I'm not trying to offend Muslim sensibilities here. Pigsty's been around long before I was aware that that had some sort of possible problem with Muslims. I mean, for crying out loud, dirty windows, half eaten food on the floor, filthy clothes shoved under the unmade bed. I mean it looked worse than a teenage kids room. It looked like a crack house. And they continue with this business here that it was some million-dollar property.
Then he says:
Here's a guy with three wives living in a pigsty. One ought to be enough to keep it clean.
So, what's up?
First, a simple observation. Polygamy is absolutely, completely, undeniably disgusting. I can't think of a worse type of relationship. You are property; you aren't loved. That's not even marriage. A marriage is between one man and one woman, and it is exclusive. Polygamy is a debased distortion of what God intended (and God even warned Solomon about it).
And think of what polygamy does: it tells women that you're not really special. You're here to perform a role, which is basically a sexual one. You're not here to be a confidante or a friend, because I can't treat you any differently from any of the other wives. So I'm just going to use you.
No wonder depression is so high in the Muslim world!
If you were one of Osama's 3 wives, would you clean anything? I don't think I would, because nothing would really be mine. Everything would be his, and if I made it better, then I'd be making life better for two of my rivals and all of their children, too. So there would be a race to the bottom, I believe; a race to see who can get away with doing the least, so that nobody else benefits from our labour. And Osama, of course, would never clean because it was beneath him. So they all lived in squalor, despite the fact that he was supposed to be so revered. His life was disgusting, his end was pathetic, and he poisoned everything he touched.
Socialism has a similar problem as Osama's lack of housekeeping, by the way. When everything is owned in common, then people don't care for it properly, because others can abuse it or can skate along with no effort on their own part. That's one reason, for instance, that agricultural output in the former Soviet Union kept decreasing every year, despite all the new agricultural policies. When people don't own the crops they produce, and when others can benefit from their own work, then people will not work as hard.
Ownership matters. If we're going to have pride in something, we have to have a stake in it which cannot be taken away. We have to be able to benefit from the fruits of our labour, but, just as importantly, we have to be able to benefit ONLY from the fruits of our labour. If we can get something for free, why work for it? But if we do work, and then we can enjoy the rewards, we will.
So let's bring this back around to us. Do you take pride in your home? I did a whole lot more when we bought our house than when we rented. For the first seven years of our marriage we were in rental housing, and it's hard to get excited about a place you know isn't really yours. We could never paint any colour other than beige, and we couldn't put much up on the walls. We couldn't change the kitchen cabinets or fix them up. And why would we put work into a place we weren't going to stay in?
But as soon as we moved, I started buying decorating books and gardening books and everything, because I wanted to make a nice place for my family.
It's funny, but I used to think I was a bad housekeeper. Looking back, I think it was more that I was just a pragmatic renter, and it was hard to get excited about beautifying a place that wasn't mine. That's not an excuse to keep things messy, by the way; I'm just saying that I got much more excited about cleaning once it was my house.
The other big difference is that when you're renting, you tend to live in a smaller place than you would otherwise. You're giving your money away to a stranger every month, so you tend to live more frugally, saving up money so you can invest in something that's really yours later. For us, that meant we never had enough storage space when we were renting. We never had enough rooms, or enough closets, or enough wall space for bookcases for all our stuff. And it's much harder to keep the house neat when there just isn't room for everything.
The moral to this story? Don't be too hard on yourself if you're living somewhere that isn't really yours. Do the best you can, but realize that comparing yourself to someone who owns their own home isn't the same. And save some money, so that one day, when housing prices finally do settle down to a reasonable level, you'll be able to actually own something.
Oh, and don't become Muslim. Polygamy doesn't work for so many reasons, but one is that nothing is ever really yours--even your husband.
I need your opinion, ladies. I received this email in my inbox, and googling it, it seems that the email has gone far and wide. So I want to know what you think, because this is intriguing. My grandfather swore by peroxide, and I just went and picked up a bottle after reading this to use as a mouthwash. This article seems to have originated here. Let me know what you think of her info, because this seems interesting!
I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. What does bleach cost?
My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide.
Have you ever smelled bleach in a doctor's office? NO!!!
Why? Because it smells, and it is not healthy! Ask the nurses who work in the doctor's offices, and ask them if they use bleach at home. They are wiser and know better!
Did you also know bleach was invented in the late 40's?
It's chlorine, folks! And it was used to kill our troops.
Peroxide was invented during WWI in the 20's. It was used to save and help cleanse the needs of our troops and hospitals. Please think about this:
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 seconds daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe.) No more canker sores, and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash.
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free of germs.
3 Clean your counters and table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had fungus on my feet for years until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, plugged sinus. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few seconds, and then blow your nose into a tissue.
9. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten seconds several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will not have the peroxide-burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually, so it's not a drastic change.
11. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour it directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors. There is no smearing, which is why I love it so much for this.
14. Another place it's great is in the bathroom, if someone has been careless & has peed on the floor around the toilet and it’s begun to smell of urine. Just put some peroxide in a spray bottle and spray. In the blink of any eye, all the smell will be gone and the bacteria eliminated!
I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be without!
With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner! '
Last night I was cleaning up my kitchen while my 15-year-old practised piano. She's in grade 8 (almost done!), and she was playing a particularly difficult piece just beautifully. At one point I paused what I was doing, stood still, and just listened.
I love moments like that.
Nine years ago, when she started, she couldn't do that. She would sit on the bench, her feet dangling over, as she tried to pick out the notes to This Old Man. It was cute, but it wasn't beautiful.
Over the years, you see, she has spent countless hours perfecting her skill. And now she can sit down, whenever she wants, and play a song she heard on the radio. She's had experience.
We instinctively understand that when it comes to piano, or any other instrument. We get it when it comes to most hobbies, like knitting or scrapbooking or painting. You get better with time and effort.
I don't think, however, that we give enough room to the thought that this could apply to other parts of life, too.
I remember when I first moved to my small town, Keith and I were invited over to dinner to the home of a couple who was then in their late forties. They served a wonderful meal with a beautiful centrepiece and a delicious dessert. Music was playing in the background. The house was beautifully decorated. Everything looked flawless, and the hostess made the meal look effortless.
The next day, when I looked around my living room to see the mismatched couches, and the toys all over the floor, and the distinct lack of dining room table (we ate in the kitchen and had allowed the children to take over the dining room for their craft projects), I felt like a failure. I couldn't host a dinner party even if I wanted to. I wouldn't know what to make. I wouldn't know where to seat people. And my furniture was terrible.
Fast forward twelve years, and life is very different. I can host a dinner party now, because I have a dining room table again. My 13-year-old makes great centrepieces. I can cook much better (though last year's Christmas dinner was a disaster, but that's another story). My house isn't a mess.
And the reason is because I've had practice.
When I first got married I needed a recipe book for everything. Now I have a ton of them, but I rarely use them. I look at what's in my cupboard and my fridge and create something, and it usually tastes marvellous. I can keep things clean. Part of that is because my children are older, but another large part is because I'm just plain better at it. I know how to clean better, I know little tricks to keep the house in order. I'm better organized. I've had more time to learn.
When I had my children I was fairly young, and I spent most of my energy for them. We went on outings everyday, I read to them, we created things, we played. I didn't have much time to clean or have people over. If I were to have babies today, I'd be a different mom. I likely wouldn't play so much because I'd clean more. I'd be more upset about mess. I'd be far more structured and scheduled because I would need to maintain "my" time.
I think I was a better mother then than I would be now. But at the same time, I'm a much better housekeeper now than I ever was then, because I have learned. Some of you have the gift of hospitality, and some of you are gifted homemakers. I never have been, which is probably why I read so many organization blogs and cleaning blogs. It's always been a challenge for me, because I'm such a multi-tasker that I find it hard to stick to one thing. That's why the dining room never gets fully cleaned; I get distracted before I can finish. But I'm getting better with time.
When I think back to that couple in their late forties who had us over, I think she had just learned how to be a good hostess. When she was in her late twenties, she had three boys under four. I'm sure her dining room table wasn't huge and spotless. I'm sure her furniture didn't all match. I'm sure she had toys everywhere. But over the years they had more money, so they could slowly buy better furniture. She had practice cooking. The toys went away. And life got easier.
We have a tendency, I think, to compare our homes to our mother's home, or our friends' homes, or other women's homes that we know. Perhaps it's time to stop. Your mother's home may have been quite a mess when her kids were the age of your kids, even if her home is spotless now. The women whose homes you admire may have had years to get that way. If you're not there yet, relax. Remember: practice makes perfect. Maybe all you need is just a few years to practice organizing, and keeping a home. We don't learn overnight. It takes a while to get used to it. And I think that's perfectly okay!
When it comes to kids' chores, there is no perfect solution except one: just do it.
No matter which method you choose of having kids do chores, the most important ingredient is the same: consistency. If you assign chores, but then don't follow up to make sure they're done, kids won't do them. If you tie chores to an allowance, but then forget to give the allowance, kids won't do them. If you teach a child how to clean a toilet, but then never look to see if they did it properly, kids won't do it right. They decide whether or not this stuff is important based on whether you act like it is important. So if you want your children to do chores, make it a priority!
And to make it a priority, you have to make it into a routine. Decide when they're going to do chores, when they're going to receive an allowance (or the payment for chores), and when you're going to verify that the chores are done. It might be everyday at a certain time; it may be every weekend; it may be every month. There is no right way. You just simply have to pick one and stick to it, or your children will not know what to expect.
With that in mind, here's a big picture look at how we have done chores in our family.
We tied chores with allowance from a young age. At age 3 we started assigning chores (like folding face cloths and using a wet cloth to wipe down the bottom cupboards in the kitchen), and then every year we'd add a few more things. The chores were written on the fridge, on a chart, and we'd tick things off every week.
They had certain "responsibilities" they had to do no matter what, like make their bed and put their laundry in the hamper and tidy their toys. The chores that they were paid for were more things that helped the family as a whole, and didn't relate to looking after themselves alone.
By the time my girls are 18 I want them to completely know how to manage a house: how to do laundry, how to grocery shop, how to organize a kitchen, make meals (including a Thanksgiving dinner!), clean furniture, and scrub floors. Every year we introduce more things to them, and they're getting more and more competent at these things.
Do you want to download some chore charts you can use with your kids? I have free ones right here (along with charts you can use to organize your own chores and schedules!)
And, if you want to read some more, here are a few other posts I've written about chores:
Now, how do you organize your children's chores? Do you put all chores in a jar and have the kids choose them? Do you assign them at the beginning of the week on a rotating basis? Do they always do the same ones? Do you use charts or do you use cards? Let me know in the comments! Remember: what system you use is not nearly as important as the fact that you use a system consistently!
It's Simplify your Life month here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and in my introductory post I talked about how we'd be doing three things this month: figuring out your purpose, learning to organize better, and then paring down. We spent last week on the big picture "purpose" issues, and this week I want to spend on organizing.
Here's the warning I issued about organizing, though: I don't think we should become tied down to any one particular system, because sometimes the system itself that we use becomes overwhelming and stops us from feeling organized. Or sometimes a system will work for a time, but you'll lose interest, and then it's time to find something else to recapture your interest and keep you motivated to go again!
When I asked last month what's the one thing that you all want to organize better, the single greatest response I received was, "laundry!" So to kick off organization week, let's tackle laundry!
Later this week we'll also tackle scheduling kids' chores, organizing your kitchen, and keeping communication going between you and your spouse over what needs to get done.
But let's do laundry first!
Let me share how I do it, and then I'm going to link to other systems on the internet for your interest. Then I'd encourage the rest of you to leave your ideas in the comments! Remember, there is no one RIGHT way: when it comes to organizing, you need to find a system that works for your family, and even then you may need to keep renewing that system every few months. But no matter which system you use, one thing that is not negotiable is routine. When it's routine, it gets done with a minimum of fuss. When it's not routine, it doesn't.
So here, without further adieu, are my thoughts:
Washing Routine
1. Keep laundry separated according to how you wash it. I don't separate according to whose clothes they are, because by the time Rebecca got enough whites to do a load, she would have worn the same bra two weeks' straight. I also find that by doing laundry everyday, we don't need as many clothes. Since the girls are on a clothing allowance, they've each decided to only own two pairs of jeans. Because we do our loads together, they can make do with only two pairs more easily. If they had to wait a week between loads, it wouldn't be as easy. So we just pile everyone's clothes in together. Some families with teens have kids do their own loads all at once (and when I was in university I didn't separate whites and colours; I threw them all in using cold water, and nothing really ran and the sky did not fall), but right now I just find it easier to wash everyone's together.
I have four bins: colour, white, delicate, and hand wash. My hand wash is for lingerie and hand knit items (I knit a lot!), and delicate is for almost all sweaters and nice T-shirts. It's probably overkill, but they rarely get really dirty, and if you wash them on delicate they last a lot longer.
Then, every single morning, after I have my shower, I put a load on. Just before I make lunch I put that load in the dryer and I put another load on. Just before I make dinner I put the second load in the dryer, and that's it for me in the day. Two loads of laundry usually does us sufficiently and I don't wash on weekends. That way it's part of my natural weekday habit. If you work outside the home, you can do the same thing. Put a load on first thing in the morning, and then another as soon as you step in the door after work.
The Folding Dilemma
Folding is far more haphazard; I fold while I take up schoolwork with the girls, or we all fold together while we talk about whatever novels they're reading for history and get into debates. I believe in multitasking! The big thing with laundry is that you MUST fold it, or it wrinkles horribly and it sits all over your bed and your floor.
Get in the habit of washing at set times and folding at set times, and it's much easier!
I highly envy those who live in climates where you can dry clothes outside year round. I do not live in such a place, but in the summer I'd hang the clothes out right after breakfast and right after lunch, and it always worked fine.
Getting the Laundry to the Laundry Room
As difficult as it may be to figure out how and when to wash, getting the clothes to the machine is just as much an issue. My girls each have a hamper in their closet that they are responsible for emptying. It's part of their daily chores, and everyday, after they make their beds, they're to empty their hamper. They've done it since they were four, and it works fine.
But I have a secret to admit. I don't have a hamper. In the mornings, my husband and I throw our dirty clothes by the door to our bedroom, and then when I leave the bedroom, I scoop them up and take them to the laundry room. Isn't that horrible? I know, one should never put clothes on the floor, but honestly, they're never there long! I don't mind my husband leaving his stuff there because I do, too, and it's no more work to add his socks to the bundle of clothing I'm already carrying of my own.
Of course, there are much more elaborate systems for laundry, and if you're looking for one, or if you're overwhelmed because you need to do more than two loads a day, here are a few more thoughts:
1. Often the reason laundry becomes overwhelming is because we are washing things that are not really dirty. Children, especially, have a habit of throwing things in the hamper because it is easier than putting them away.
Have a conference with your family to decide your own rules on how often pants should be worn before they're washed; how often towels can be used before they're washed; how often sheets should be changed; how often pajamas should be changed. Personally, I wear jeans a good four times before I wash them, unless I spill something on them or I'm in a smoky place. They really don't get dirty. Sheets we change every week, and pajamas once a week. Towels are more haphazard.
But many children change clothes several times a day, just for fun, and when they do change they throw their clothes in the hamper. By the time you discover that clean clothes are in the hamper, they've already mixed with wet towels, so you have no choice but to wash them. Often the reason we have so much laundry, then, is because we're washing things that aren't actually dirty.
So talk to your kids about how often they need to wash certain items, and if they keep putting clean clothes in the washing machine, then I'd start making it their job to wash and fold all the laundry, or making them pay $1 out of their allowance for that load of unnecessary laundry!
2. Keeping track of which clothes are whose can also be a challenge. Buy one child all green underwear and another all white. Buy one boy all grey socks and another all black socks. Try to keep the basics that we get mixed up to single colours, so that you know whose is whose. And take a permanent marker and write a child's initials on the tag so you know whose it is. If the item is then passed down, use a different colour permanent marker.
Now, here are some other great laundry links:
Laura from Organizing Junkie just has her kids do their own loads--and loves it! No more sorting. Read her thoughts here.
If you want pictures, here's a great post with different hampers, small and large laundry rooms, and more to give you inspiration.
One last problem: I still haven't come up with a solution to the single sock phenomenon. But I cannot bring myself to throw out single socks. So I have a box under my bed. Here it is. Did any of you steal the mates?
Now, what are your thoughts? How do you do laundry? Did you find a system worked better for you at a different stage in your life? Let me know in the comments, and let's help each other!
I've been talking lately to Deb Mantel, a professional organzier dedicated to "making women's lives more manageable. She's been taking some of my speaking training, and I've been drooling over her organizing skills, like this picture of "spaces with soul" up on her website. I love art like that on the walls, but I've never figured out how to get it there. The whole picture says peace to me, but I can never seem to achieve that in my house.
But even if I'm not perfectly decorated (I have too much of an ADD personality to be a decorator), I have gotten a lot more organized over the last few years. And so I thought I'd ask Deb some of the questions that we deal with a lot at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, since she knows so much about organizing. So here goes:
Are women more organized today or less organized today than our grandmothers were?
I think women are less organized than our grandmothers simply because the options and choices of how to spend their time, energy and money are overwhelming. Women in earlier generations may have had a lot on their plate, but it was all related around the home and family. Usually they were stay-at-home moms and there was not a lot of carpooling or activities to keep them running around.
I often hear women complain that they’re too busy. Are we, or have we just not figured out how to organize our lives best?
I think we are too busy. In his book Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives, Dr. Richard Swenson defines margin as the space that should exist between our load and our limits. Whether it’s our finances, our emotions, our health or our schedules, we need margin for several reasons. First, because life happens. If we are filled to the brim emotionally, maxed out financially, and booked solid, then we have no room to respond to the stuff of life that happens all around us. Second, as Christians, margin allows us to have room to hear God and to respond to what He brings into our lives. Ideally, we have margin in our lives so that we (and all that we have) are available to God and His plans and purposes.
Do you think we have too much stuff? I know I have too much stuff, and I spend my life weeding it out. What’s the psychological effect of too much stuff?
We have way too much stuff and it can really sap us of energy. We struggle with always wanting more, often because we think it will fill us. But too much stuff can actually rob us in many ways—our time (it takes time to shop for things, to take care of things), our health (too much stuff often leads to disorganization which causes stress), our space (instead of having room in our lives and homes, we often need to rent storage units to house the excess), and even relationships (the more we are managing our “stuff,” the less time we have to build relationships). Relationships should always trump stuff!
I think I’m more organized the older I get (and the older my children get). Can you give any tips for being organized when you have very little ones underfoot?
Clear away as much clutter as you can so that you have less to maintain. Set up very simple storage systems so that kids know what goes where and can access things and put them away easily. Keep your schedule as free as possible and try not to over-schedule your kids. I remind women that our children look at us to see what a life with Jesus is like. When they look at us, do they get a glimpse of the Good Shepherd, who leads us beside the still waters? Or do they view Jesus as a hard taskmaster, always driving us to do more, be more, have more! The question is not can Jesus give us rest (Matt. 11:28), but do we want what he offers ENOUGH to let go of what He ISN’T calling us to.
What do you do when you want to keep an organized home and your husband feels it’s entirely your job? What about when he leaves dirty socks all over the house, for instance, or doesn’t encourage the kids to do chores because it’s “mom’s job”. Any advice?
That’s a hard situation to be in. Ideally, some healthy communication needs to happen so that the husband can understand that keeping a house organized is not something one family member can do alone. It’s like any team effort (husbands can usually understand sports!). It takes the entire “team” to win the game. Everyone has a role to play. As early as possible, children should be shown how to take care of their belongings and how to respect common living spaces (by keeping them neat and not leaving personal items/messes around).
How can we teach kids to be organized, especially when it comes to schoolwork and responsibilities?
It’s important to help children learn the connection between “responsibilities” and “privileges” from an early age. This can help down the road when the tendency is for Mom to nag at the kids all the time. Besides the responsibility of helping the home “team” keep the house running smoothly, children need to learn that their main “job” during this season in their lives is to study and develop their minds (school). Whether they are home-schooled or attend public or private school, homework and staying on top of their studies is one of the “responsibilities” that come with that “job.” Privileges (special outings, activities with friends, movies, tv, etc. are tied to responsibilities). When we can help our children to see that it is their “choice” whether they earn the privilege or not, it takes the onus off of Mom to stay after them all the time. It takes a lot of time and effort, but it’s worth making this clear when they are young!
I think that's all great advice! What resonated with you most? What do you want to talk about some more? Let me know in the comments, so we can keep helping each other!
Deb Mantel is a professional organizer and a songwriter and speaker. Find her at www.debmantel.com.
Are you frustrated by the fact that your home is out of control, and no one else seems to want to help get it back into control? Has life become chaotic, and you feel like you bear that burden alone?
That's the life of most women these days. And I don't think it should be! My philosphy in my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum--and in this To Love, Honor and Vacuum blog--is that everybody should grow closer to God, and that means that everybody should learn to show love, should bear their own load, and should be responsible.
Including your kids.
So how do you do that? You can yell, which doesn't work, or you can institute conseqeunces. Sometimes, though, consequences are difficult to figure out. And it's hard to be consistent. I thought today I'd publish one of the consequence ideas I had in my book, and then ask you to add your own!
Don't Pick Up Things Off of the Floor
Rationale: Picking up toys and clothes that family emmbers leave lying around in common areas (not bedrooms if this is agreed upon) teaches them that others will step in when they are irresponsible.
Consequence: Some families have a "jubilee" basket, similar to the jubilee in the Old Testament, where all land is returned to its original owner after a set time. In the same way, after children leave for school in the morning, or after they begin work (if they're homeschooled), or go out to play, you pick up everything left in common areas and leave it in a basket in a closet. You can return them on Sunday, or the owner can redeem them prior to that for a dime or a quarter or whatever you think is appropriate.
On occasion, our family has had to do something more drastic. After repeatedly asking the kids to clean the playroom, or their bedroom, to no avail, we've hauled out the garbage bags and filled them with toys for the Salvation Army. If they had too many toys to keep tidy, then some had to do! Sometimes the kids helped us weed through, and other times they wailed on the sidelines as we confiscated stuffed animals they hadn't looked at twice in two years. But when there are fewer toys, it's much easier to clean up, and children are less likely to be overwhelmed by the task.
The jubilee system is one of those things that doesn't need to be used very long. It puts fear into children, and pretty soon they stop leaving stuff around!
What do you do for consequence based discipline in your home? Leave a comment, and share it with us!
And don't forget to check out To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Get an autographed copy from me here, or order from Amazon!
I'm a big believer in helping your children learn to do chores! It's important for character development, for training for independence, and for your own sanity!
Unfortunately, if you haven't inculcated these chores when kids are young, it's harder when they're older. I recently received an email from a woman wondering what to do with a 23-year-old son who is living in their basement. He doesn't clean his bathroom, doesn't change his sheets, and doesn't do much of anything. The husband also expects this woman to clean up after the adult son. What is she to do?
Here's the email I sent her:
That is a tough problem! It sounds like you have several issues:
1. Your children believe it’s your job to clean up after them. 2. Your husband believes it’s your job to clean up after them. 3. You’re worried about your children’s ability to be independent.
I would say that there’s also a fourth issue—your children need to learn to care for others, and not take others for granted, and the best way to do that is to do chores!
It’s hard to get kids to do chores when they’re in their 20s if they haven’t been doing them all along. It’s especially hard if your husband isn’t really on board. But I would suggest that you start presenting this as “Everybody in this house helps out because we all have a lot to do. We all need to learn to clean up after ourselves and look after ourselves.”
Don’t do it because “I’m sick of cleaning up after you all”, but do it because it’s good for THEM. It’s good for them for several reasons: first, they do learn independence and how to care for themselves. Second, their relationships later in life will be stronger, because it’s rare to enter into any long-term marriage relationship today and have the other person willing to bear the entire burden of housework alone. Most people expect it to be shared, and if they marry someone who doesn’t know how to clean, or who assumes that someone else will do everything, that relationship is going to be very strained.
Finally, it’s good for them because it teaches them to be responsible for their own actions, something that is key if anyone is going to develop a strong moral core. If people assume that someone else will always clean up their messes, then after a while they stop noticing their messes. They don’t even see how they are inconveniencing others. They assume someone else will be there to fix the things they don’t like. And that’s not healthy.
Since your son is already well into his twenties, it’s going to be hard to stop this pattern. But you have to try. I would start with having a talk with him and setting new ground rules for what it means to live in your house. He is, after all, an adult, and you are doing him a favour by letting him live there. It’s time for him to start acting like one. Why not set up a chore chart for everyone in the house that they have to follow? I have some free ones you can download here that are helpful. Talk through the expectations you have of him, and explain that you want these chores done every week. I don’t know if you’re charging him rent or not to live in the house, but if you are, I would also tell him that doing chores is part of that deal. And if he can’t live up to the deal, then he needs to find somewhere else to live. It’s not pretty, and you’ll need your husband’s support, but it really does need to be done.
If your husband is undermining you in front of your son, then I would recommend talking with your husband and explaining your reasons for wanting him to pick up after himself and clean up after himself. It isn’t because you’re being selfish; it’s actually because you’re thinking of your son’s future relationships and future independence. Hopefully he will understand. I know it’s hard, because sometimes husbands don’t understand, and then they think that your sole job in life is doing everything for your kids, but I don’t think that’s what God intended. God put us on this earth to raise responsible, independent, godly people, not to pamper our kids. I hope that your husband can understand that, but if not, I would suggest that you just keep talking about it, little by little, because it is important to you.
Ask your husband what he wants for your son. What does he want your son’s relationships to look like? What does he hope for your son in terms of jobs, or independence, or morality? What is he looking for there? And then ask your husband if you think that you’re on the road to leading your son in that direction. If your son is going to lead a family one day, and raise kids of his own, then he needs to start learning to take responsibility now.
I hope that helps! The key is to keep talking with your husband so that you can present a united front. So pray about it, be gentle, and be clear why you want to make the change—for your son’s good, not yours!
Now, for the rest of you, what would you say to this woman? Do you have any thoughts on how to get adult children to start doing chores? I'd love to hear them!
It's Wednesday, the day when this blog talks marriage! I introduce a topic, and then the rest of you comment, or better still write your own Wifey Wednesday post on your blog and come and link it up in the Mcklinky!
So, to go along with our New Year's Challenge theme, I thought we'd talk clutter.
It seems to me that there are two types of husbands: those who are inclined to come home at night, look at the house, and say "what did you do all day?" because it's a mess, and those who wouldn't see a dust bunny until it impeded their view of the television.
I know that's a vast oversimplification, but for blogging purposes I'd like to talk about husband #2 today.
I am quite aware that it is not always the man who is the messy one in a relationship. I think my husband, for instance, is less inclined towards clutter than I am. But picking up on some of the comments over the last few days as we've tried to tackle our clutter, one common theme is women who want to throw things out, and men who can't part with them.
When we moved a few years ago, I swore that I was not going to pack up junk. So I condensed my entire life prior to our marriage to a box slightly larger than a shoe box. It held important papers, pictures, cards, etc. My husband just couldn't throw anything out, so we have three large boxes for him.
I have a friend whose husband will not throw anything out. He's just attached to all kinds of things that have no other name except "junk". And he refuses to clean up his office. It's scary to go in there. One year, in a fit of cleaning frenzy, I offered to help her clean it for him as a surprise. Our church was having a huge yard sale, and we thought it was the perfect opportunity.
So we took that old deer hoof that had been mounted, the mixer that was missing a cord, the hair dryer that was 35 years old, etc. etc., and packed them up and sent them over. You could actually see inside their storage room again (though we hadn't tackled the office).
He found out, and early Saturday morning, before the yard sale opened, he went and reclaimed all his stuff.
So we made a big mistake. We did it without telling him, and he was sore at us for quite a while. I definitely do not recommend just throwing things out that aren't yours. But what do you do?
I'm in favour of dedicating a particular part of the house that is "just his" that he can keep the way he wants. He is an adult, after all, and if he wants to hold on to stuff, I do think that's his prerogative. If you're extremely tight for space, then you may have to really talk to him about this, but I don't think it's fair for a wife to completely take over the house.
At the same time, there may be mess that you just can't live with. So here's our question of the day: what do you do with a packrat husband? Has anyone dealt with this before? Or what do you do if he's way messier than you are? How do you find a compromise?
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Just leave a comment, or write your own post and link up below.
And don't forget, my book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, has tons of space dedicated to just this problem: how to divide up household responsibilities and come to agreement on how the house should be kept!
UPDATE: Hello Org Junkie readers! This was a New Year's Challenge I had, but read down for some great pointers on what to do with clutter! Plus I like showing off my before and after pictures :).
Have you taken me up on my challenge yesterday yet? If not, I'm going to give you a chance to do so again today!
The challenge was to take some of these slow days between Christmas and New Year's and actually tidy and declutter the one area of your house you're scared to go in. I have two such areas, but I tackled one yesterday, and it looks awesome!
Here's a before:
And here's an after:
A few more:
And here's younger daughter vacuuming the TV with older daughter being silly:
Here's the challenge when you're decluttering, though. What do you do with all the stuff you want to get rid of? You don't want to contribute to landfill, so what do you do? Here are a few thoughts:
1. Give to thrift stores (if it works and if it's sellable). Don't just dump stuff that you would normally put in the trash. But if it's usable, give it.
2. Find families with younger children than yours and pass it on! We recently passed on about 30 Groovy Girls complete with clothing and furniture. What a great present for those little girls, now that our girls have grown out of them!
3. If you have old clothing, bedding, or linens, but they're too worn to be reused, ask at your local Salvation Army if they still need them. Someone at our Salvation Army, for instance, collects such stuff and sells it by the ton to a company who shreds it up and turns it into mattresses. Chances are there are such opportunities around. Just keep these donations separate from the wearable clothing, and be sure to let the Salvation Army know what you're giving them.
4. Do you have a Green Building Store in your area? We have a store where you can purchase salvaged household building supplies. If you're ripping out cupboards, getting rid of carpet, changing faucets, or anything like that, you may be able to drop it off at such a store. You never know who may find it useful!
5. Ask around about what people involved in missions would like. We're collecting yarn and towels, for instance, for a trip we're taking in March to Africa. We've started a knitting microbusiness program with some graduated girls from a children's home, and we're bringing a lot of that old acrylic yarn everyone buys from WalMart and then never does anything with. We're taking a ton of knitting needles and crochet hooks, too. If you have old craft supplies, see if someone on short term missions projects can use them.
Often schools have knitting programs, and they may be able to use craft supplies. You can also try churches with clubs groups during the week, or Boys and Girls after school clubs that are always looking for things for the kids to do. Some of them would surely love old construction paper, or markers, or yarn, or whatever.
Senior citizens homes and retirement homes often are eager for craft supplies (and sometimes even more eager for people to come in and start a knitting project with them). So if you have knitting/crocheting things you don't use, you may be able to get rid of them that way.
6. Have furniture you're willing to get rid of for free? Try putting a notice in your church bulletin, or putting up a notice in your local grocery store or local community college. Someone's sure to want it!
7. Finally, don't forget about ways to reuse things you already have. I've taken old flannel pyjamas and fleece sweatshirts and sewn them into sanitary pads to take to Africa. I know it sounds gross, but take a look at these pictures:
You can read instructions in this post on how to make them.
And I've also taken old sweaters that are out of fashion or that I don't like anymore and reclaimed the yarn.
Here's a sweater that was too small:
I'll write a separate post, with pictures, on how I got the yarn, but suffice it to say that I have seven pink skeins of wool that I'm excited to turn into something new!
I've even covered pillows that were ugly with a new cover that I've knit. Hey, it uses up yarn and an old pillow!
8. Don't forget about regifting. But I don't just mean giving away gifts you've been given. Lots of things can be transformed into gifts. Old mugs can be stuffed with homemade chocolate truffles. Wicker baskets, napkins, or tea towels make great gifts, too. Just stuff them with homemade cookies or buns, and you have a housewarming gift! So just because your mugs don't work for you anymore, or you have too many teacups, don't get rid of them! Keep them and use them as gifts.
9. Remember consignment stores or second hand stores. Many places will pay you $1 for a DVD or a CD. Great way to purge some of those collections. Others will pay you 20% of the cover price on paperbacks. So don't just throw out your old books. See if you can turn them into money.
I think that's it! But if you have any other great ideas on what to do with older things if you don't want to fill landfill, do leave them in the comments! And if you feel inspired now to clean up one of your cluttered spaces, why not take before and after photos and leave the link in this post? Then we all can congratulate you!
Hello Org Junkie readers! Great to see you here! Why not stay and look around a bit? I've got lots of posts on marriage, parenting, and more!
How was your Christmas? I had a lovely time, more or less. The girls enjoyed their presents, I to some things I really enjoyed, but best of all we had a quiet few days with family and friends, playing games, reading, and just taking it easy.
On Boxing Day I swore to myself I wouldn't even get dressed. It was my day to relax and read. Unfortunately I only made it until 11:30 when I succumbed to the need for shower and normal clothes, but my youngest daughter made it through the whole day in her jammies!
This week coming up we're having several parties for teenagers. I'm starting to notice that once you have teens, they take over your social calendar. Instead of having people over for what I want to do, I'm having all my kids' friends over. But I enjoy their friends, and I do appreciate the fact that they're hanging out at my house rather than somewhere else!
In the meantime, though, I do have a week off before real life begins, and even though we're going to have a few parties in there, I plan to do some major organization (and relatively little "real" work). I have a hard time functioning when I feel like I can't find certain things, or there are some rooms in my house I'm scared to go in because they're so overwhelming.
I tackled our storage room before Christmas, and it's great now. This week I want to tackle our family room and my study. The family room is just a mass of craft supplies and knitting, and it needs to be sorted out, not least so that I can do my exercises down there with the Wii. I got a new Wii game for Christmas--the EA sports--and I'm looking forward to using it. Or at least I'm trying to look forward to using it. If I could get away with not exercising at all, that, naturally, would be better. But since I have to do something, that sounds infinitely more attractive than jogging in the snow.
Anyway, the family room just needs to be upended, and today the girls and I are going to attack. We're actually quite excited about it. Here are some pictures of what it looks like now:
Doesn't that seriously need some work?
But I do wonder sometimes if disorganization causes depression rather than the other way around. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, after watching some TV shows in a hotel about people who just have too much stuff and are overwhelmed about how to clean it all. It struck me that perhaps at one point they were functioning, but then things got so bad that their brains couldn't handle it. How do you tackle such a mess? And living in a mess is not healthy. Our brains don't tend to handle chaos well.
We often believe that people with mental illness don't clean, but I wonder if it's the chaos that sometimes exacerbates and causes mental illness. And even if it's not as bad as an actual psychiatric disorder, I bet a lot of women are more depressed and lethargic than they should be simply because their homes are so out of control. Get the home in control, and suddenly you'd feel like you had a ton more energy.
The "housewifely" arts have fallen by the wayside in the last few decades, but they're still important. Having a clean, organized home (not a perfect home, but an organized one) goes so far in helping us maintain schedules, deal with crises, and relax. You can find things when you need them. Your home is a fun place to be.
I know that's hard with little kids, but I think it's still worth the effort. And if, like me, you have a week off before any real life begins again, why not tackle the worst place in your house? Do it in 15 minute blocks if you have to. And if it feels overwhelming, and you don't know where to start, go into the room and look at the first thing you see. Pick it up. And decide what to do with it. Just start with the first thing you can touch.
Bring in a garbage bag, a few boxes for transporting things to other rooms, and a big glass of water. And stick to the one room. If you find things that belong in another room, don't put them there yet. Just put them in a box to deal with later. Most of all, try to throw as much stuff out as possible. The vast majority of us have way too much stuff anyway.
So how about it? Are you with me? Let's clean something that really needs it, and start the new year off with a burst of energy. I'll post some after pictures later in the day, and I'll put up a MckLinky if you want to post yours from the week.
If you don't want to go the picture route, just leave a note in the comments about what you need to clean! Or if you're a perfectly organized person and nothing needs cleaning, leave a note and tell us how you've managed to attain such a glorious position in life!
Thanks for joining me, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Yesterday, we talked about how hard it is to feel at peace with your calling, especially if your calling is to be a stay at home mom.
No one is around telling you what a difference you're making, or how good a job you're doing. Instead, you have kids who whine, dishes that are never all done, and laundry that keeps piling up.
Are you really getting anywhere? Are you making a difference?
Today, in my podcast, I want to assure you that you are. And I want to tell you that you are not going crazy if you wonder why sometimes you just feel so frustrated at your calling. It is difficult being a stay at home mom, but trust me; it's worth it!
Listen in right here. It's quick, and I know it will bless you!
I don't mind doing laundry, but I hate mopping the floor. I'm not big on dishes, either. Or cleaning toilets.
Luckily, I have children. And they are perfect for such tasks!
In this podcast, I talk about the necessity of teaching kids to do chores. Not just because it gives us a break, but also because kids need to be taught to be independent.
Listen in as we talk about the philosophy behind chores--and why teaching them to do chores will actually boost their self-esteem (and their chances of marriage)! It will also help those marriages to be far more successful.
It's only 5 minutes long, but it can motivate you to make necessary changes in your parenting! And then maybe you won't have to do all the mopping after all.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
, Dr. Richard Swenson defines margin as the space that should exist between our load and our limits. Whether it’s our finances, our emotions, our health or our schedules, we need margin for several reasons. First, because life happens. If we are filled to the brim emotionally, maxed out financially, and booked solid, then we have no room to respond to the stuff of life that happens all around us. Second, as Christians, margin allows us to have room to hear God and to respond to what He brings into our lives. Ideally, we have margin in our lives so that we (and all that we have) are available to God and His plans and purposes.
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