I'm in the final month before "The Good Girl's Guide to Sex" is due at the publisher, so I'm going to be reprinting some of my older posts two or three times over the next few weeks, simply due to lack of time! I found some I really liked, so I wanted to let some of you, who haven't been following me that long, read them!
I know today is Valentine's Day, but I always do romance on Wifey Wednesdays, so today I'd rather talk about Monday mornings. Here's a post from 2009:
Last week I started my week thinking about busy-ness. I was too busy. But I concluded that the "busy" feeling was largely one of my own making. It wasn't only that I had too much on my plate--though I did have a lot--it was also that I was letting the computer steal a bunch of my time.
So what's the alternative? Right now, I'm sitting at my kitchen table with five days in front of me. And the question is, how am I going to make those five days count? How am I going to make sure that what needs to get done does indeed get done?
I've done the to-do list thing. Many of us have. And I don't always find them helpful. Sometimes they can just be stifling, because there's so much on there it gets discouraging. When you go to make a to-do list, you often think of all the things you wish you would just complete, and those go on the list. And then your to-do list stretches a mile.
I think there's a better way to handle it, and so today I'm going to sketch out what I'd like my days to look like. I'm not saying I always achieve this, but this is the aim. And if you would like to comment and add your thoughts, too, that would be great! Maybe together we'd figure out how to use our days more productively, but also how to savour the downtime and just enjoy being with those we love. So here goes:
1. Have a morning routine. I've written about this before, because mornings are my test. If I can start the morning off right, the rest of the day tends to go well. If I dither or start too late, I become discouraged and often give up on my plans for the day! So I suggest that everyone adopt some sort of a morning routine. When we have a routine we don't need a to-do list. We know what to do, when. It becomes habit.
So, for instance, I often get up, write a blog post, read my Bible and sip hot chocolate, exercise, shower, and make my bed, in that order. It takes about an hour and a half. Now my children are older now, so I don't have to get up with them, or get them dressed, or even get them breakfast. They can get their own. I know it's tough when you have smaller children. But even then I did have a routine. I would often put on a certain video, or put them in the playpen, while I showered. I tended to have breakfast at a certain time. When we had a routine, the kids knew what to expect and didn't complain too much.
What do you do in the morning to get your day off right?
2. Put first things first. Part of my morning routine involves reading the Bible. I need to have that time just talking to God and praying, and having some quiet, peaceful time before the day begins. For a while I tried to do this before blogging, but I gave up, because frankly I'm too tired when I first wake up to have productive time being quiet. And quiet time can definitely be productive! We think things through, we pray about important things. But I can't do that when I'm almost falling asleep. So I try to do something else first that wakes me up, so that I can concentrate more and give my full attention to God.
It's important to be quiet, at least for a little bit, at the beginning of the day. Assess your priorities. Bring your worries before God. Examine your heart. When we do these things, the day tends to flow better.
3. Get active. I can't tell you how much happier I've been since I started working out in the morning! It was always something I wanted to do, but getting to the gym was so impossible. With the Wii Fit Plus, I can just workout in my own home. I'm probably not getting as strenuous a workout as I would at the gym, but the point is that I'm doing it. And I've been really consistent for about a month now. It does mean that my school day (since we homeschool) begins about a half hour later than I would otherwise, but because I've exercised I tend to have more energy!
4. Figure out what your "one thing" is. I read a great article on time management recently that said that successful people don't make to-do lists. They simply know what the one biggest priority is, and they work that priority. So their to-do list is only one thing long. I think that's brilliant, and to tell you the truth, it really does work. My one thing right now is my column. I need to get that written and sent in. When that's done, I'll have another one thing. But I find that I can worry about one thing far better than I can worry about twenty. So I try to figure out what the one thing is that is causing me the most stress and worry, and work on getting that out of the way first.
5. Have routines for "routine" things. Sounds basic, but few of us do it. You have to do laundry. You have to do grocery shopping. You have to do ironing (even if you try to reduce the amount of ironing you do as much as possible). You have to change your sheets and mop the floors. I don't think of these as to-dos, really, because they occur all the time. So do you have a routine for laundry? I throw a load in everyday when I get out of the shower. I make my bed everyday when I get dressed. I change my sheets every Friday. I iron every Tuesday. Since I know when I do these things, I don't have to think about them. They automatically get built into my day.
The more we have routines for the routine things, the less busy we feel. You know everything will get done on its day, and you don't have to do everything all at once. The problem with not having routines is that often things get out of control, and then you try to tackle everything at once. That truly is exhausting. So, as much as possible, work routines for these routine things into your week. Then they're not a source of stress. If you want some planning charts to plan your housework, I have some free ones here.
6. Be disciplined. No one likes discipline. It's not fun. But it really does help. You know what needs to be done. You know what you should be doing. Don't work too hard. Your house doesn't need to be spotless. But when you know something needs to get done, just do it. Carve out time in your day when you will get necessary things done. Don't spend your life on a computer or in front of a screen. When we're disciplined, work doesn't have to take that much time. Discipline isn't boring; it actually lets you have more fun because you live in a more organized environment and life is not so chaotic.
So there you are. My pointers for how to have a more peaceful week. I'd love to hear yours! What makes you feel more peaceful? What makes you more organized? Let me know!
I have always been a stay at home mom. I love being a stay at home mom. This is exactly where I want to be. My husband never demanded that I stay at home; he would have supported me in working, had I chosen to do so, though his preference would have been for me to stay at home. But I chose to be here.
On the whole, I am very conscious of the benefits of that choice. I have a close relationship with my daughters, especially since we also chose to homeschool. I have more flexibility with my time. While I do feel frazzled, I don't think I feel as frazzled as much as I would otherwise.
But nevertheless, there is one part of this arrangement that has always irked me. It's such a minor thing, but let me see if you all agree. Ever since the girls were babies, and I was nursing, I have never made a single decision when asked if I could go out or do something without first thinking, "who will look after the kids?", or, as they have grown older, "what are the kids planning for that time? Do they need to be driven somewhere?". Sometimes I have decided to go anyway, and have arranged for someone else to drive them or to look after them. Other times I have asked my husband. But my kids have always been my first thought.
My husband, on the other hand, rarely considers them when he makes decisions about meetings, work, etc., because he knows I will always be there. It is not that my husband doesn't spend time with my kids; on the contrary, up until two years ago he actually took them 1-2 days a week. It is just that on the whole, he assumes that I am with them, so they don't factor into the equation when he has to decide on church meetings, or work meetings, or anything else.
If he's doing something for leisure, of course, he always checks with me, but if it's work or church, he goes right ahead.
Now my husband works hard. He works harder than I do, and I have it really good. But sometimes I just find myself a tad bitter that I am the default caregiver. If I need to work, I need to make arrangements. If he needs to work, he doesn't.
It's not really that big a deal, and like I said, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. My husband bought me flowers this week just to show how much he loves me, and he really does adore me. He takes amazing care of this family.
But yesterday morning, when he wasn't at work, but we both had tons of errands to do, I asked him to drive the kids to piano on his way downtown. He bristled, because he was so busy. He assumed I would do it.
This is a very minor thing, but all day it ate at me. It wasn't even that I wanted him to drive them particularly; it was just that I was getting a little bit sick of it being assumed that they were always mine to figure out, especially since this year I have taken on 100% of the homeschooling (when he used to do some).
So, dear readers, that's a very typical scenario in marriage. You're angry at your husband about something that is not huge. It is not life-threatening. It is not a make it or break it issue. But nevertheless, you are angry. What do you do?
Here, I would like to give you a blueprint for how to handle these little things in marriage. The blueprint works for bigger things, too, but I often find it's these little things that we allow to fester.
1. Admit to yourself that you are upset. Don't hide it. It only pops up later.
2. Have it out with God. Don't just lambaste into your hubby, and don't nurture it in your mind. Have it out with God, and confess that you're angry and ask Him to take any bitterness away. Confess any sin that you've been harbouring in your heart. Make things right with God before you try to fix it with your husband. Ask God to show you how to deal with it.
3. Think of things from his point of view. Did you do anything that he might also find difficult? (In this situation, I certainly did. I did not react well when he told me he didn't want to drive them).
4. Plan a good time to talk to your husband about it. I'm one of those who has to deal with issues straight away, so much so that I'm often tempted to call him at work. In general, this isn't a good idea because at work, men are often focused on work. Figure out a time when you both can be more relaxed and you can really hash this out. Right when he gets home from work usually isn't a good time, either. Let him relax a bit.
5. When you talk to him, stick to the facts on this particular issue, and don't bring in other issues. Don't make it larger than it is.
6. Use "I" statements, not "you" statements. It sounds corny, but it matters, and it gives a whole new dynamic to your discussions. Look at the difference between this:
"I feel put-upon when it's assumed that I'm the one to take care of the girls' schedule, no matter what both of us are doing."
and this:
"You always assume that I'm the one who is going to drop everything and rearrange everything for the girls. You never have to plan your schedule around them."
A big difference, isn't there? In one, I am owning the problem. I am saying "I have a problem, can we talk about it?" In another, I am expressly giving blame. I am saying, "You are the problem". One is much easier to talk about. The second just makes him feel defensive.
7. Voice where you have made mistakes in this issue, or where he has been positive. Don't use words like "you never" or "you always", because then the focus becomes on whether there's an exception, and you start fighting about how a year ago last Tuesday he didn't actually do that. Acknowledge up front where he has done something you appreciated in this area. Make room for some grey.
8. Work towards a solution you both think is fair. Work to the win/win, not the win/lose. Remember in marriage, if only one of you wins, you both really lose.
9. Make up and hug and pray together.
I think if we treated every problem this way, we'd have far fewer issues between us in marriage. Deal with things when they happen in an appropriate way because you're working towards building up the marriage, not building up walls.
Did I handle things this well? No, not exactly. I got a little too emotional when I was talking about it, and sometimes, when I don't feel like Keith understands me, I shut down. But we talked it through, got over my bitterness, and came to an extremely workable solution that is fair to both of us. I'm still going to end up doing about 99% of the stuff with the kids (which I don't mind), but he's going to check in to see if I need him to do anything before he plans his off-days. Chances are I'll say no. But it's the fact that he's checking in with me that matters.
So all's good. And if you're a little ticked at your husband about something right now, I'd suggest you deal with it, too!
Interesting story from the UK here reporting that 4% of kids can't talk by age 3. The article includes a strange swipe at SAHMs, too, but let's leave that for a minute and look at the substance.
Late speaking is identified as being a problem, because if a child can't talk, then it's hard to learn other important things, and they start out life behind. The article is quick to mention that many children who talk late, though, do just fine later in life. My own aunt didn't speak much as a small child, but she's a brilliant doctor today. So I'm not too picky about it.
However, I do think there are things parents can do to encourage speech. The article mentions singing to them, and I'd certainly do that. I read to my children every night before bed starting when they were six months old. We used board books, and sang and did quick little stories. They turned the pages a lot, and didn't always seem like they were paying attention, but they learned a ton! And their favourite things as children were books.
Every week we walked to the library, even when they were just babies. We'd sing while they were in the stroller, and we'd chat. I kept a running conversation with my babies all the time, even when they were only a few hours old. I always find it strange to be with a mother who doesn't talk to her baby. Babies like listening to you talk, and that's how they learn to talk. I'd just tell Becca what I was doing, or what I was thinking of making for dinner, or what should be on my shopping list. The content didn't matter; it was the fact that you were reading. Remember that scene from Three Men and a Baby when Tom Selleck reads Sports Illustrated aloud? The baby just likes hearing you.
This is stuff that hopefully we all know. Yet the article then throws in a really weird comment:
The survey of more than 1,000 parents found that a child’s background was not a factor in how quickly they learnt to talk. Working parents who put their babies in day care are just as likely to have a child whose speech develops late as those who leave their baby in front of the television.
So basically it's dividing parents into two types: those who are the good ones, who put their kids in day care where they can "learn", and those who don't put their kids in care, who obviously just dump them in front of the television. (Perhaps it's dividing between working parents who put their kids in day care and working parents who put their kids in front of a TV, but that doesn't make much sense. I think the second group of parents must be stay at home parents, as if saying that we stay at home parents don't do anything valuable at all).
The media likes to hype the benefits to kids of daycare, but there's no evidence that there's any lasting impact academically from daycare. For some lower income single parents, day care does help kids in kindergarten and grade 1. But the benefits evaporate by grade 4.
You know what helps a child learn to talk? Being with people who love him or her and who want to talk to him or her. You don't need to send your child to daycare to teach them things. You really can do it yourself. And I do wish the media would start giving stay at home moms a little bit more credit.
If you enjoyed this post, and want to hear more about how to build a family that has fun together and grows together, listen to Sheila's audio download "Joy Filled Families"! All about how to grow intimacy, fun, and togetherness inside your home. Find out more
A while back we had a long conversation on this blog about the cost of working. If you've got little kids, we asked, and you have to pay for childcare, then does working outside the home even contribute to your income in a substantial way?
For instance, one of the things that stay at home moms can do is to figure out how to live on less. We do have more time to do things like cook from scratch, make our own gifts, spend more time shopping for bargains, etc. We can only have one car, even though that may mean chauffeuring hubby to work so we can keep it for the day. I also find that when I'm tremendously busy, either because of speaking or because of events with the kids, it's harder to make dinner. That's when we go out or eat prepared foods, which adds to the budget. I know if I were working full-time I'd do the take-out thing more often, and so that would become more expensive.
Therefore, I'm not sure it always pays to work, depending on your potential income. But what do you do when you just really need money? I want to throw this question out there, because several of my long-term readers really need answers, and I thought together we could come up with something.
So here's the scenario. You aren't highly educated, and the maximum you could probably make would be $15/hour, and that's if you hit the jackpot. But you really need to bring home about $1500 a month just to make ends meet. So what do you do? Here are some choices that I see:
1. Work part-time. It sounds silly, but part-time work may be able to bring in more money. When you're not paying for childcare because your husband has the kids, and when you can still live on one vehicle, part-time work may actually leave more money in the wallet. Work two nights a week and Saturdays. Be a waitress, or work at a call centre or something. The disadvantage: you never see your husband. You don't really have family time. So I'm not a big fan of this one.
2. Sell Mary Kay/Tupperware. I'm not an overly big fan of this one, either. I've gone down that route briefly, and gone to all the sales conferences, and gotten all pumped up to sell stuff, and become a leader, and have people work under me, but it just doesn't work that well. You can work so hard at it for a few years and still have little to show for it. It works great for some--but for the majority it doesn't. And you spend your life out at nights and trying to convince women who don't really want to go to parties to go to just one more. Let me know if you think differently, but I know one of the women who needs money advice has already tried this and won't do it again.
3. Become a foster parent. Don't balk at this one right away. I'm not saying we should do it for the money. I don't know what all jurisdictions pay, but in mine, if you take in two kids you make up that monetary gap we were talking about. It's a lot of work. It's a big sacrifice. You have to define your boundaries. But if you are willing, it has a lot of upsides. You're really making a difference. You're living out your values. You are still able to stay home and be with your own kids, and if they're in school, you're able to get them on and off of the bus or be there for their field trips and sports games. You have to be careful who you take, but this can be an option for some, and given how desperate they are for good foster parents, perhaps it's one more of us should consider (even forgetting about the money!). Any foster parents out there? I'd love for you to comment on this option!
4. Help your husband to make more money. After all, you need more income. It doesn't really matter who gets it. So how can we help our husbands boost their incomes? Can we help them start a business? Can we help them with that business by doing some of the work at home? Can we support them going back to school for a time to get more training? Any thoughts on this one?
5. Save more money. The other way to make money, of course, is simply not to spend it. If you've got a major shortfall, look at what you can change in how you spend money to perhaps make some of that up. That's not always possible; I know a lot of people are already living pretty close to the bone. It's just a thought.
6. Start your own business. Lots of people are doing it. Sell on e-bay. Turn a hobby into a business. Especially at Christmas it's easier to make some money. Any concrete suggestions here?
So what do you all think? What's the best way to boost income when you want to continue to stay at home with your kids? And if someone absolutely had to get a job, any suggestions on what kind of job to get?
By the way: an anonymous commenter took offense at my post a few days ago, saying that I was denigrating working moms in my "stay at home mom" rant. I addressed that in the comments, but in case she doesn't read them, let me just say again: I didn't mean the post against working moms. I had no idea it would be taken that way. I meant it against PEOPLE in general. In fact, the specific individuals I was thinking of aren't moms at all. Several are male. So I'm sorry if you were offended, but I really think it was just a misunderstanding.
Yesterday, we talked about how hard it is to feel at peace with your calling, especially if your calling is to be a stay at home mom.
No one is around telling you what a difference you're making, or how good a job you're doing. Instead, you have kids who whine, dishes that are never all done, and laundry that keeps piling up.
Are you really getting anywhere? Are you making a difference?
Today, in my podcast, I want to assure you that you are. And I want to tell you that you are not going crazy if you wonder why sometimes you just feel so frustrated at your calling. It is difficult being a stay at home mom, but trust me; it's worth it!
Listen in right here. It's quick, and I know it will bless you!
Terry at Ornaments of Grace has her druthers up because she just read an article saying that only elite women are able to stay at home. Their husbands are rich, and these women are basically living off their men, who will one day leave them for more interesting women they have found at the workplace.
Give. Me. A. Break.
Terry goes on to document how UN-elitist she is. She certainly doesn't live a glamorous life!
Now, it's hard for me to talk right now because my husband is a doctor. We do have more than most people, for which I am eternally grateful, and with which I feel we must share, which is why we take our kids to an orphanage in Africa quite frequently.
But I digress.
When the kids were little and Keith was in school we had very little, too. We bought second hand clothes at Goodwill. We bought second hand baby furniture and toys. I bought second hand clothes for myself (you could never tell, anyway).
We didn't have cable. Well, we still don't.
What we did have was the knowledge that the kids needed me, and we wanted to create a close-knit family.
Terry deals with all these aspects well, but something else I was thinking about was how much money it actually costs to work. You need a second vehicle, you need to pay for childcare, you need different clothes. Chances are you eat out and grab coffees more often. You probably buy take out for dinner more often, too, because you're too tired to cook.
But when you're home you CAN make money by saving money. When you clip coupons, sew some clothes (I've even been making cloth menstrual pads, but that's another story), get to the library, cook in bulk, make your own meals, do your own housework, and more, you can make a significant contribution financially to the family, even if you don't have an income.
I think if people truly totalled up how much it costs to work, they would find that they maybe only make $3.00 an hour. It may be worth it to work for $15, but is it worth it to work for $3? Because after you subtract everything, that may be what you're getting.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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