It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
I saw this beautiful video recently, and I think it speaks for itself. Just watch it, and then tell me: how is your husband beautifully imperfect?
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! I'm taking the summer a little slowly, so I've asked Tammy Rhoden to guest post for us today. Here's Tammy's story:
As a Christian woman entering a marriage in which I was equally yoked, I expected to live happily ever after once the rings slipped over our fingers. I didn’t believe our marriage would be tainted by the worldly issues of non-believers. I knew there would be a few bumps in the road but overall I wasn’t worried. I thought God made marriage to bring happiness to believing men and women.
But it hasn't been perfect. Actually, there have been far more imperfect moments than not. There have been many heartbreaking moments as well. Moments when I cried out to God and asked Him how He had allowed me to make such an awful mistake! There have been times when I haven't known who I was madder with; Bobby, myself, or God. How had the marriage that I thought was the one every Christian woman was destined to have, turned so sour? Was I not good enough? Had I not paid enough? Would I never finish reaping the harvest of the bad past I had sown? Where was my happiness? I felt betrayed by my husband yes, but more so by God. I felt He had let me down.
I contemplated at times whether I should be able to get out of this marriage. I bargained on occasion with God trying to get Him to work on my behalf. Often I picked myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and got down to the business of saving my marriage. Never during any of these times did I find lasting happiness. Happiness was that elusive emotion that seemed to flit in and out of my marriage but I could never get a handle on so it would remain. What was wrong with us? We are Christians. Why weren't we happy?
Then slowly I began to see things differently. I'm not sure when but over time, I noticed I was changing. Previously, I bought in to the whole idea that seems rather prevalent in the Christian world, that when two believers marry, their marriage should be a good one. After all, if two people are professing to love God then it follows that two people want to please God by living as He directs. So, it's all good and they as Christians are destined to live happily ever after.
That really isn't always the case, though. We want marriage to be a union with another person that brings us happiness but the truth is, God's Word doesn't say that marriage is designed to bring us happiness. In fact it says that it will be an area of struggle and hardship. Genesis3:16 He told the Woman: "You'll want to please your husband, but he'll lord it over you."
At some point, I began to realize that I weighed almost every moment of my marriage on a happiness scale. Because there is no standard unit of happiness in marriage, I often found my scale too light. When I was feeling let down numerous times a day because my scales were always off, it only makes sense that my heart was beginning to develop defense tactics to keep from being hurt so often. As my heart began to harden, it became easier for the enemy to whisper more and more darkness into my ear.
As my heart grew harder and colder and wrapped itself tighter within layers of defensive repellent; I found it harder to respect my husband. When a wife doesn't respect her husband, she finds it hard to submit or to have sex, whether out of spite or lack of desire. When a husband feels emasculated and lonely, he uses emotional distance to cope. Things continue to feed off each other and spiral out of control until each spouse's heart is so hard they not only fall into further sin and treat each other more poorly, but they are no longer of use to God in many ways that they once were.
People tend to expect marriage to bring them happiness even though God never promised it would. Satan desires to harden the hearts of Christians so they aren't able to be used by God as He would like. Satan knows we use how our spouse makes us feel as a happiness gage and when we aren't happy, we begin to try to fix that. When we try to fix our spouse, we begin to have marital problems because our "fixing" stems from selfish desires and expectations of happiness that we believe our spouse should provide. As we criticize each other and try to change each other or begin to seek happiness outside our marriage, our hearts are hardened and become less usable by God for His ultimate purpose, which is to bring all things in the universe together under Christ.
Here's a thought: if Satan attacks married people first and foremost through their spouses, in order to render their hearts useless to God, doesn't it make sense that two strong believing Christians may have more problems within their marriage than non-believers?
Does this mean that I think Christians should just settle for a poor marriage if they are in one or that they shouldn't strive for their marriage to be all it can be? No! But I also think that we as Christians should begin taking seriously the role God intended us to play in this world. He expects us all to share the Gospel and to play large parts in bringing everything in the universe together under Christ. We often forget that and instead get caught up in thinking about our marital happiness. We need to remember that as well as pursuing happiness in our marriage, we need to pursue joy in Christ. This is how we find it possible to love our spouse with the agape love of Jesus, making us capable of fulfilling God's purpose.
I have begun to measure the moments of my marriage with a different tool. I no longer use my happiness scale but rather ask myself if the moment has done or is doing anything to further God's purpose. If I find that it has, I celebrate and thank God for His goodness and grace. If I find that it was lacking, then I look back through the lens of self-examination, held by the Holy Spirit and try to discover where I fell short. I try not to think about where Bobby may have fallen short because God uses us as individuals and we are accountable as individuals.
Since I have begun to make personal, heart changing, spiritual choices in the way I deal with my unhappiness, Bobby has begun to turn around a lot in areas he personally felt he needed to improve in. We have identified who our enemy really is and we know it's not each other.
Is everything hunky dory now? Well, things are still a work in progress and I think they may remain that way in one sense or another, maybe until death do us part. As for happiness; I can say that the joy I am experiencing more regularly in my life surpasses earthly happiness by far. Joy is what I have the most of but I am also happy more often than not as I am no longer feeling let down most of the time. My perspective of what marriage is supposed to offer me, has changed to align itself with a more godly vision and that makes a huge difference in the happiness scale!
Tammy Rhoden is a Christian Life Coach and Speaker. She offers one-on-one and group coaching as well as workshops, seminars, and lectures designed to support women in facilitating change in their lives that are in agreement with God's Word. Areas of support include but aren’t limited to marriage, children, career, finances, weight loss, setting boundaries, forgiveness, making friends, and time management. Please visit Tammy’s site, Jesus is My Host of Hope, to learn more about her, or find her on Facebook!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
When we marry, inevitably this beautiful verse is read at the wedding:
And the man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
We all smile and gush, because now we are one flesh. Absolutely.
But here's the problem: just because something is a spiritual fact doesn't mean that we actually feel it. Before we are married, we only have ourselves to worry about. We don't have to consider another's feelings; we're all bent on making decisions that will make ME happy. I am the focus of my life.
At marriage, that feeling naturally continues. When we're first married, we start to wonder, "is he making me happy?", or "is he treating me well?", or "is he acting like a good husband should?". We're new at this, so it's only natural that we should question whether he's doing what he's supposed to. After all, we have images of what being the proper wife is, and we're doing our best to live up to our end of the bargain, but is he holding up his end?
We're focused on what he is doing, not what we are doing, because we're used to giving ourselves a pass. We can always find reasons why it was okay for us not to be giving in that particular situation. We can always justify ourselves. But we rarely are so generous when it comes to accepting or excusing our husband's transgressions.
The other issue, I think, is a gender one. Deep inside we want him to make the first move. So if we feel like he's not treating us appropriately, we may withdraw and wait for him to make it up. And we think that's okay because he's supposed to treat us better than that.
What we don't see is what he is feeling. Chances are he's just as disillusioned as we are, because he had expectations going into the marriage, too, that aren't being met. And while this situation is quite typical for many newly married couples, whether or not it keeps going on is up to us. Unfortunately, for many couples, this becomes the normal state. For decades this is how they relate to each other: judgment, justification, resentment, withholding. It's all about my feelings and my rights.
And so we face a choice. Our husbands will always disappoint us because they are not US. They don't have the same opinions or values or expectations, so they can never live up to ours. So are we going to continue this cycle, or are we going to truly become one?
Here is the key to turning on this "oneness" part of marriage: understand that his feelings are now your feelings. His cares are now your cares. His concerns are now your concerns. Spiritually, that is a fact. And when we recognize the spiritual fact, we can start to act on it. And when we act on it, we may eventually start to feel it.
He doesn't need to justify his feelings; they are his feelings. And now that you are married, they should matter to you just as much as yours do. It matters when he's upset. Don't try to get him to justify it or talk him out it; be concerned about it. Because when he's upset, part of you is upset. It matters if he feels lonely or frustrated (or even sexually starved!), because that means you are lonely and frustrated, too. You are in this together.
If you can start putting as much weight on his feelings as you do yours, you'll likely find that your marriage will improve exponentially, because you're reaching out.
When you start valuing his feelings and his opinion on things, he's likely to reach out to you more. And as he reaches out to you, you are going to start feeling like one. It doesn't happen overnight. And I'm not saying you should accept sin, or not confront him on things that are important. I'm only saying that his viewpoint counts, and you need to give it the weight it deserves. Then, and only then, will you begin to feel like you're one.
The ball, I think, is in your court. If you want to feel like one, don't wait for him to change. Take his feelings seriously. And you may just gain a whole new outlook on marriage!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Recently I received an email from a woman who was desperate. She's pregnant, and her husband wants, for various reasons, to rent a house for the next few months until they can get their dream house in a year. She wants to be settled now, because she's tired of moving and the baby's coming. How do they resolve this fight?
Here's what I told her:
Let me try to sum it up. Your husband is looking long-term: we want to build a house, so let's just sacrifice for the next few months and get what we really want. What's a few months?
You're looking short term: I have a baby coming, I'm tired, and I need to be settled.
Both are very valid perspectives. One of the things that often happens in marriages, though, is that you debate the issue rather than the feelings that are making it an issue. In this case, they're debating real estate rather than their feelings about the future of the family. They're arguing about what would be the better housing choice, rather than just talking about their feelings for holding the opinions they do. What I would suggest is that they start talking about feelings and dreams instead.
When you're in the middle of an intractable problem with your husband, make sure you're talking about how you feel about the issue, rather than the issue itself. In this case, you could say to him, "I understand that you want what is best for our family in the long run, and I want that to. But I don't know how I can do this for another couple of months. I am just so tired."
Now the issue is that you are tired, and need help, and not real estate. If he could find a solution that involved his dream house, but did not exhaust his wife, then that may be a solution that they both could live with.
She could say: I could rent for a few months and build our dream home, but during that time life is going to be so chaotic for me with the new baby, and our current one, and the move, that I couldn't continue to do what I've been doing so far. I couldn't make dinner every night, for instance. I couldn't do the laundry. So if we could agree that you do the laundry, and that twice a week we ordered out, or we bought frozen meals, that would be better. And if we agreed that we wouldn't unpack everything, but just what we needed, and that you were in charge of the contractors during the building, and not me.
When you're looking at a big problem like this, break it down into what you are willing to do and what you just can't do. Talk about what you would need from him, and how much more it would cost (in housekeeping, grocery bills, etc.) Talk about who would be in charge of the contractors. If he can agree to that, perhaps she could go along with it?
In this case, the issue is that the woman is tired, and she wants a place where she can feel settled because the baby is coming. She feels a lot of expectations on you to "create a home" and "keep the family going", and finds it almost impossible to think of doing that with two more moves coming up. So if she talks about her exhaustion and what she feels is expected of her, and see if she can work out more of a partnership, or get people to help you temporarily, then perhaps his plan is actually possible after all.
Whatever the issue is, identify your feelings, don't fight his logic. That way you're giving him a chance to solve your problem, rather than telling him why he's wrong, and getting into loggerheads because you both have different opinions.
You don't want to get into a fight about something like real estate when that's not the real issue. Then you both just dig in your heels and nothing gets done. Instead, try to get on the same page: we want what's best for our family, but we're tired and we're running out of time. What's the best way to manage our time, energy and money in the next year so that our family will be stronger and better off in the end? Talk about it that way, and figure out what you both need, and then you're on the same page again.
If you can find a new way to talk through this, then you put your marriage on much firmer ground for the future.
Many marriages get stuck in these conflicts because spouses are in a "win-lose" scenario when it comes to fighting. You both want opposite things, so obviously only one can "win". You need to find the "win-win", and to do that you need to identify what the real issue is (feelings) and see if you can figure out creative ways to deal with that so that you both are happy. I think if he could understand how tired his wife is, and understand that building a house needs to also involve a budget for housekeeping and some frozen meals so she's not overwhelmed, then perhaps they could be on the same page.
So next time you face a decision where you both hold opposite opinions, try to find the real issue: the feelings. And then see if you can come up with a win-win!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to come to a decision where both you and your husband held opposite opinions? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Are you just tired, because there's this one issue in your marriage where you just can't make headway? What do you do when he just doesn't get that there's a problem, and he has no desire to change, even if it's really, really bothering you?
Some of the issues you're stressing over may be very serious, but I don't want to address the ones that are actually truly endangering the sanctity of the marriage (such as alcoholism, or pornography addiction). That's really a subject for another post. I'm really talking about those everyday things which can wear us down almost as much: he refuses to care for his diabetes, even though he's profoundly overweight. He never spends time with the kids. He spends too much time on the computer. He doesn't talk to you. And he has no interest in changing. What do you do?
Here are my thoughts, in order. And a warning: they're a little harsh, because there is no magic answer. But I think they're truthful, and that's better.
1. Realize that you cannot change anyone else.
In my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum I dealt with this quite a bit. Often when we're upset in our marriages we think the problem is all him. If he would just smarten up, we'd be fine. But what's the point in thinking that? You cannot change him. You need to stop trying. Saying, "I will be happy as soon as he..." means that you're also saying, "I WON'T be happy if he doesn't...." You're putting your peace in someone else's hands, and it's not healthy.
2. Try to see him in a different light.
He is God's gift to you. Maybe 20% of what he does really bugs you, but focus on the other 80%. Learn gratitude for what he does do and accept him for who he is. The more you accept him, the more he feels competent and strong, and the more likely it is that he will want to grow as a person. Men have a deep-seated need to be competent. If they feel disapproval, they often retreat (into television, work, etc.). Treat them well, and they're more likely to grow. But don't do so in order for them to grow. Do so because you want the best for them and you honestly are finding things to be grateful for.
3. Pray God's will for your husband.
Instead of praying that he will improve in the areas that you find difficult, pray for him that God will help him in his various roles. Pray that he will become the man God wants him to be, not the man you want him to be.
4. Pray that you will be the best wife you can be for him.
I know he's hurting you. I know he's doing things that you wish he wouldn't and that really bother you. But ask God what you can do to show your husband love. What can you do to be the best wife you can be? Instead of focusing on what he is not doing, focus on what you can do. God will honor that, and you will feel better. Dare yourself to be as good a wife as you can (which doesn't mean excusing sin; it just means learning to love). As you build gratitude for who he is (#2), pray for him (#3), and focus on your own roles (#4), you'll likely find your attitude towards him changing.
5. Change what you have control over.
If he is treating you disrespectfully, for instance, you don't need to nag him about it. You don't need to fight about it, or withhold from him. Tell him how you feel, but then put yourself in a position where he can't treat you that way. I list a whole bunch of different scenarios like this in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, but let me give you an example. If he wants to eat in front of the television, that is completely his perogative. But that doesn't mean you have to serve him there. Set the table, have the kids sit down, and if he wants to bring his plate elsewhere, he can. He's an adult; he can do what he wants. But you don't need to facilitate it. This one's kind of controversial, and some of you may disagree with me here. Feel free! But I think it is important to make it a norm that the family does things together. If he chooses something different, that's fine. But family togetherness is the norm.
6. Find your own peace in God.
If you are feeling put upon and taken for granted, then go to God for your peace. Don't rely on your husband to meet all your needs; he never will. Get involved in a good Bible study. Fill your time focusing on God, and not on your husband's shortcomings. Put praise CDs on and let music fill the house. Seek out a godly mentor that can help you grow in the Lord (not help you vent all your frustration about your husband). Look to Jesus, not your husband, and probably the problems you have will minimize in importance.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Do you and your husband butt heads about the same issue, again and again?
I've talked in this blog about how you have to accept your husband for who he is without demanding that he change before you fully commit and love him. But that's pretty difficult. What if he does something really bad? What if he's involved in something really awful?
Yes, you need to confront. You can separate the sin from the person. But how can you confront on an important issue and still show love? How can you accept him when you're mad, and he's doing something that endangers the family? Are you supposed to just sit there and take it?
Of course, it depends on the severity of what it is, but this week I read an excellent article by the Happy Housewife which walks you through how to confront over the issue of finances. She says:
We argued about every single purchase. It took me 14 years, but I finally learned that you can’t argue someone into changing their spending habits. You can’t nag someone into cutting up the credit cards. While you might see results initially, they will go back to their old ways of spending in time and they’ll resent you in the process.
You can’t change someone’s mind about money.
So if you can’t change their mind what can you do?
And she goes on to list a number of action steps you can take to change the situation while still living in harmony with your husband. Let's talk about what often happens during that 14 years where you're trying to get him to change, and not succeeding.
You think, "why is he like this?" You judge him and think less of him. You say to yourself, "he's endangering the family! He's irresponsible!" And when you do this, how can you really build intimacy with someone you think is wrong, misguided, and selfish. It can't be done. You're really waiting for him to change.
The Happy Housewife suggests specific steps you can take on the finances issue, but I want to take her steps and turn them into more general ones that will work for just about any issue. So here goes!
1. Change the way YOU behave.
She suggests cutting the budget in the areas that you control, even if he won't. But this applies to anything. If your issue is that he plays video games all the time and doesn't play with the kids, then plan family activities. Do fun things anyway. Plan for things after dinner. But take control where you can, rather than waiting for him to do something.
2. Ask to talk about goals.
Sit down and talk about what your goals are for the family. Then ask how you're going to reach those goals. It doesn't need to be a blame session; it can just be a "where are we going?" session. If your issue is that he's never home, but one of the goals for the family is that the kids grow up to be emotionally healthy, then ask how that is best achieved without him. Let him start thinking about the future and coming up with solutions.
3. Encourage friendships with strong male role models
Many men don't have other men that they hang out with. Men tend to be quite solitary, and only have their wives as friends. Encourage friendships with guys who do have things together. Invite the couple over for dinner. Play games together. Do something so that he can get to know another male who does things differently.
4. Suggest taking a course together.
If it's finances, suggest going to a finance course when your church offers it. Go to a marriage conference together (they're actually quite fun!).
5. Pray about it
Don't pray that your husband will change necessarily; pray that God will form him into the man that God wants him to be. Pray that God will have His way with him. And pray that God will help you love him and help you to be the wife He wants you to be, too!
Finally, I'd add one point that the Happy Housewife didn't have, and it's this:
6. Have fun together
When you're upset about an area of your marriage, sometimes the fun deflates completely. How can you joke around with someone you fundamentally don't respect? In order to move forward in your marriage, though, you need to build goodwill. It's very hard to make significant positive change if you're angry at each other. So find things to do that are fun. Laugh together.
Make it a priority to just do stuff--almost anything--together frequently. Go for walks. Jog. Play squash or tennis. Do a puzzle. Cook. Fix up the house. It really doesn't matter. Just find a hobby that you can do, and spend time together where it's just plain fun. That way you see each other as being on the same team, and it's a lot easier to tackle any problems that come!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to overcome something big in your marriage? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
In pretty much every church I have ever gone to, I have always started off those first few years in a honeymoon phase: you look around and everybody looks so together, so Christian, so loving. Then, bit by bit, you hear whispers. So and so had an affair and the marriage is reeling. So and so moved out, but they don't want anyone to know yet. So and so has an alcohol problem.
In most of these cases, the vast majority of people don't know. It's all happening below the surface, below the smiling faces and the giggling but slightly dazed children and the pageants and the dresses.
And it makes me so sad, because it's hard to help people who don't want to ask for help. When you know a couple is struggling, and you want to help, how do you approach them when they haven't actually told you that they're struggling? That's impolite. Once we had a couple over for dinner that we know were having problems. They weren't admitting it, though, so we just started sharing about all of our problems. We told them how we had struggled when we had first married, hoping it might get a response, or a "oh, we do that, too". Nothing. We told them how lonely we felt in the marriage. Nothing. All we got was a "thanks for a great dinner," and a thank you card afterwards. They divorced a year later.
At the marriage conference Keith and I spoke at last month in Banff, one thing I urged all the couples to do was to find a mentor couple: a couple that was at least a few years older, with a solid marriage, with whom they could occasionally bounce things off of and talk things through and ask for prayer. They should look for a couple who knew how to keep things silent, and who were there just to help. Many couples said they were a little reluctant, because people might feel it was a burden. And here's what I told them:
Any mature couple in your church would be THRILLED to have someone ask them to mentor them; to have someone ask them to actually talk about real issues. Do you know how much we long to help with real issues, but those who obviously need help don't ask for it? I watch couples I know are struggling, and I pray for them, and I ask in an around-about way how things are going, or if they want to talk, and they smile and tell me no. I know that's not true. So if someone actually came to me and said, "We love each other, but we're really struggling with something. Could we confidentially just come over and talk to you and your husband?", I would jump up and down for joy!
And I would! But I find that the vast majority of people who are having problems won't ask for help.
Now, in many Christian circles I've heard this turned into a blame game. "Well, they can't ask for help because then people would judge them, because churches are so judgmental." That may have a kernel of truth, but I can tell you that in every church I've ever belonged to, there would be a lot more respect for a couple who asked for help than for one who one day just up and divorced with no warning. And most people, I think, are like me. They desperately want to help, not because they think they know everything, but because they know how hard marriage and parenting can be, and they don't want others to hit brick walls. They want to see families thrive.
So I think the whole "people are judgmental so I can't share anything" is a cop out. I'm talking about finding ONE couple, who is older than you, that you can talk to. Surely in every church, even a judgmental one, there is ONE couple. And if there isn't, you need to find another church!
Most people don't ask for help for one of several reasons. First, they believe they genuinely don't need it. They are completely in the right, and so they don't need anyone's advice. Often one half of a couple feels this way, and the other doesn't. If you're married to someone who feels this way, you still need a mentor! Find a woman you can talk to and pray with, even if your husband won't.
The second reason is because they've talked to others before, and those people have told them that they are in the wrong or they need to compromise. I'm thinking of one particular woman I know who broke up her family recently. She was sure she was right; when she started talking to people in the church, though, they didn't take her side. So she stopped talking and did what she wanted to anyway.
And that brings me to number three: often people don't ask for help because they've already made up their minds about what they are going to do. They're going to leave their spouse and split up their family, and they've convinced themselves they're in the right. But they know deep down that perhaps they're not, and so they don't ask for help in case they're convicted.
I don't know where you are today. I don't know if you're having marriage issues or parenting issues or anything. But I do know that so many people do desperately want to help. My husband, a pediatrician, once participated in a community parenting course. It had tons of advertising from the Children's Aid Society, other physicians, and more. Doctors were telling their patients with problem kids to go. It was on the radio. And three families showed up.
I have another friend who is a nutritionist. A few years ago her office put on a seminar called "2 can dine for $1.99" to teach lower income people how to cook well on a limited budget. The only people who showed up was the entire homeschooling group from her community, who thought it was a great educational opportunity. All the people at the welfare office, and at Children's Aid, who were told about it, did not go.
Why do I tell you this? It's because I firmly believe that help is there if you want it. People want to share their knowledge and their experience. But the vast majority of people don't ask for help and don't take it until it is too late.
Every couple, everybody, should have a mentor that they can talk to when things get difficult. I have a mentor, and I am somebody's mentor. My husband has a mentor, and he is also somebody's mentor. This is so important especially for couples in the ministry, where it's hard to talk about your personal issues. But that makes it all the more crucial to have a safe place to go for help. So don't wait. Just ask for help. If more people did that, I think we'd see fewer families splitting up.
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Usually on these Wifey Wednesday posts I talk about what to do with a problem you're having with your spouse--what to do when you find something he does difficult, or insulting, or disrespectful. Or we look at ways to boost your marriage in general!
Today I want to turn the tables. I've received some emails from women saying, "how do I save my marriage when I'm the one who made a mistake? What do I do when I'm the one who had an affair, and he wants to end our marriage, and I really don't? Then what do I do?"
These women felt such remorse, and such pain, and I know they are not alone. And so I'd like to address that other side: can you save your marriage when you are the one who messed up?
First, if you've done something as big as an affair, I think you both need to talk to an outside party that can help you work through it. Counseling is a great idea. If he agrees, but doesn't seem to be taking the initiative to find a counselor himself, choose someone (perhaps a male to make your hubby feel more comfortable), and make the appoitnment yourself. Tell him, “Mr. so and so seems like he’d really gel with you, so is it okay if I contact him? If we don’t like him we can find somebody else.” Show him that you're taking this seriously.
Often when there's an affair, a relationship has a lot of longstanding issues, and you probably had things that you were upset at your husband for originally. He probably has not behaved perfectly, either. It's important, though, that when you go to counseling, you don't try to justify yourself or try to solve all of these problems. Stick to the issue at hand: moving forward after an affair. If you try to bring up too many of these other things, it makes it seem as if you don't take seriously the wrong that you did do.
You need to show him that you agree that he has a reason to be angry--regardless of whether or not you have reason to be angry, too. So in the midst of this turmoil, try some simple acts of kindness. Show him love. Don’t try to defend yourself. Acknowledge what he’s feeling. If he doesn’t want to talk, don’t make him. Give him a bit of space.
If, during this time, you're separated because he has moved out, encourage him to keep seeing the children. If you can, suggest that you do things with the children together, and again, if he says things that hurt, let him. He needs to deal with that, and if you show him that you love him anyway, it puts you on firmer footing.
Be aware, though, that counseling does not always solve everything, because what it does tend to do is rehash everything that’s happened, and sometimes it makes you feel worse before it gets better. Often retreats, where you go away for a weekend or a whole week, are better, because they’re aiming for resolution in a bit of a shorter time. It doesn’t always work, but having that deadline is useful because you feel as if you’re working towards something more than just talking about everything that’s wrong. You’re working towards rebuilding.
If you can’t do a retreat or a weeklong get away, then find a counsellor who will see you for a defined number of sessions—say 8—with the goal of bringing resolution and forgiveness on both sides. That way you know you’re not just going to go over the same things over and over again, or bring up every little thing that’s ever gone wrong. If you find at the end of 8 that you need more, that’s fine, but see it as something with an endpoint.
Then I would keep telling your husband that you want to stay with him, that you want to build your life with him, that you can’t imagine not being a family. I’m sure he feels the same way about your children, and having shared custody is no picnic. You’re tied to each other until they're adults, anyway. You may as well try to work it out. It actually is a lot easier to work out a marriage than it is to work out custody! You can even joke about that, if he’ll take it. But tell him what you enjoy.
Usually when a crisis happens in a marriage, it's because somewhere along the way you forgot how to have fun together and how to date each other. You stopped being romantic and started being roommates. If he’ll take it from you, I’d write him a letter and ask to begin again. Ask him out on a date. Take him to dinner, if he’ll go. See a movie. Play mini-golf. Ask him if he can try just to have fun with you once a week for the next little while, to remember why you’re together in the first place. Sometimes, when we’re recovering from things like this, it all seems so serious that we can’t have fun, and yet it’s fun that is going to bring you back together. So having fun, in conjunction with some defined counselling, may fit the bill.
I hope that helps! And know that no matter what happens, God does forgive you. But I don’t think you’ll ever forgive yourself if you don’t put everything you can into saving your marriage, so hang in there, don’t give up, even if he does, and try to show him that you want to start over.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to ask for forgiveness? Have you walked this road, or had a friend who walked this road? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
In the Christian wife/Mommy blogosphere, a lot of patterns are evident.
Many of us who write give very similar advice. Rely on God. Focus on being the best wife you can be, not on changing your husband. Care for your marriage & kids first. Create a nice home. Etc. Etc.
These things are all true, and I hope that people can come here for some encouragement in doing the most important job in the world!
I think most of you who do come here come to get help around the edges. In general, things are going well, but they could always use some tweaking!
Most of my posts, I think, are written with these types of readers in mind. You have a family you're committed to, and you're trying to work the kinks out. You love your husband, even if he does have faults (which you can obviously name!).
Sometimes, though, people live in a much more desperate situation. I was talking to a friend who finally ended a very dysfunctional marriage last year. She said that sometimes she would read my blog and feel so sad, because it didn't matter how much she did what I said, nothing every changed. The typical answers and typical advice weren't cutting it.
A lot of women out there feel very alone in their marriages, and if you're in a marriage where you have found your soul mate, try to put yourself in these women's shoes for a moment. Here's a comment that was left yesterday, during my Wifey Wednesday post:
I still can't get myself to accept things. My husband does not have a physically demanding job. The past 4-5 months especially have been easy. He is admittedly not doing anything at work.
I cook, I clean. I care for the kids when they're sick, no matter what time of day or if he's off work. I run our special needs child to his three-days-a-week appointments; One of those days my other son has an appointment at the same place so of course he goes as well. Sick or not, I take care of the kids. I had the flu 2 years ago and the first day I was sick he dealt with the kids, but after that? He was pissed that I was still laying around and not doing anything so he got to slamming our bedroom door when he'd go out, not shushing the kids if/when they got loud, etc. That's one of many times where he's been less than considerate.
Of course if he has a headache and stuffy nose he's swearing he has a migraine and he take several different types of medication and sleeps for 10-11 hours straight, yelling if the kids are getting loud.
We're supposed to move and our house is nowhere near ready to put on the market. It should have been on by now but while he had 3 months to lay the new flooring in our house, he didn't finish. One room still needs to be done. I, on the other hand, have all of the daily issues on top of painting every room in the house, getting the outside painted, repainting our kitchen cabinets, painting the cabinets in the hall and bathrooms, redoing the tile in our hall bath, rebuilding our master bath shower that he gutted 2 years ago and never finished, tiling both bathroom floors, decluttering and organizing so that the movers know what is storage and what goes.. I don't have the money to hire those jobs out so I have to do it.
He occasionally mows the yard, and when our kids start a sport he's gung-ho in the beginning but by the 2nd week in he's sighing and rolling his eyes when I ask if he's taking one of our boys to practice. Inevitably they'll have at least one practice or game per week that coincides with the other's practice or game, and I count myself fortunate if they're in the same park or building. Many times they aren't and because he's oh-so-worn out and has computer games to play, I'm running like a headless chicken. Throw in an active toddler and I'm busy, worn out, worn down, and just plain beat.
Yes, I'm bitter and resentful,not to mention completely jealous of women who have husbands who help out even when the husband has a busy work schedule.
Don't suggest I have a talk with him because I have. Many, many times. And many times he's sworn he'll change and help out. The only reason I'm still with him is because when I left him a few years ago I couldn't get a job anywhere and began having anxiety attacks. Not to mention lack of support from family and being made to feel like we'd worn out our welcome and I needed to quit being a child and just go back to my husband. So here I sit.
I can feel this woman's pain. Can you? Honestly, what would you do if you were married to a man who did not care for your kids, played computer games all day, and didn't lift a finger to help you? Now, admittedly, we're only getting this woman's side of the story, but I have talked to women who are living something very similar. It happens. Very frequently.
So what would you say to her? I'm going to take a stab at it now, but I invite you to answer in the comments, too. Perhaps we'll have different approaches to it, but hopefully we can offer something that would be helpful.
First, let me say that To Love, Honor and Vacuum was written exactly for women going through this. In fact, I based the book on two women I was close to who were experiencing virtually exactly the same thing. So I know from whence I speak.
And let me tell you what I told them. You cannot change him; you can only change yourself. But you have a lot of power within you to change. God is there to help you create a godly home, where everyone respects each other and grows closer to Him. That is what He wants. Your job is to ask God to show you how to build respect and godliness within your home.
Part of that job may be to stop enabling others to act in an unChristlike manner. It sounds like you do all the housework, and he does very little. That means that you do a lot for him. You don't have to keep doing this. You could sit down and tell him that you are exhausted, and some things are going to have to come off of your plate. Offer him alternatives. But show him that some of these things will directly affect him. (Laundry, for instance, or making the kinds of meals he likes. If you can live on sandwiches & cereal, it's a lot easier to make, and it's still nutritious!). Then take some of that time that you save and use it to do your devotions, to have a bath, to knit, to relax, to do what you need to do to rejuvenate. Don't do it to punish him; do it to create a new dynamic so that you can keep going.
If you're busy running the children everywhere, and he won't help, ask him what it would take for him to start driving a child to soccer. Ask him if this is possible. Don't ask him when you're angry; ask him because you simply want help. If he can't give it, you're no worse off than you are now. But ask him what is keeping him from doing it? Is he not getting enough sleep?
Or take it from a different perspective. Ask him what are the most important goals he has in life. Share with him yours. Write them on your fridge. Now ask how he's meeting them. If he wants to be a good father, then ask him how you can help him engage with the kids during the week. Does he want to take soccer? Bathtime? Bedtime? If he doesn't, and he'd just like to play computer games, then ask him how he'd like the kids to think of him. Does he want them to remember him always being on the computer, or does he want them to remember him cheering them at games?
But if he just won't (and many men won't), you have a decision to make. Can you keep living like this? If you were a single parent, you could not do it all. You could not run a house and keep the kids in all kinds of activities and hold down a job. You couldn't. You would get help, or you would cut things out. So if your husband won't help, you basically are acting as a single parent. What will you cut out? Even if your husband has abdicated responsibility for the family, you can't. And you can't abdicate your responsibility to your marriage, either. I would suggest getting the kids out of activities as much as possible and making your schedule as easy as possible, so that you don't burn out and you can keep going.
Finally, make family fun. Cut down as much as you can so you can get enough rest and sleep. And then use that energy to make your home fun. Play games. Go for walks. Laugh a lot. When family is fun, he's more likely to want to be involved. When it's all chores, he won't. And the more unhappy you are, and the more you nag him, the more he will retreat.
Some people are just plain selfish. He very well could be one of these. Your job is to find peace and fulfillment in God, and then find ways to transfer that peace and fulfillment to the rest of those in your family. Don't always resent. Don't let yourself get bitter. Change your family life so that you do have more energy and things do get done.
Oh, and about the house: stop it. Don't move. Stay there. Don't put it on the market. So you lose money. I know that's tough. But if you are always stepping in and doing everything, he never will step up to the plate. Talk about what's reasonable for both of you to do, and then you do your part. If he doesn't do his, then you can't sell the house. Don't nag him about it. Simply do your part. Whether or not he does his is up to him. And if he starts to suffer financially for it, then maybe that will inspire a burst of energy. Right now, he's probably waiting for you to come through, like you always have in the past. Don't enable irresponsibility.
One other thing about how to act biblically in marriage: there are two sides to the Proverbs 31 woman. First, yes, she did a ton and cared for her family well. But second, she had help, as someone pointed out in the comments yesterday. She had servant girls, but she also had a husband who was engaged in the family business, too. He was in the public square, transacting business, where he praised her. Yes, we're to be the Proverbs 31 woman, but it's difficult to do all of this without at least some help. If you don't have that help, I think you need to readjust what's expected of you so you don't burn out.
God designed marriage to be a genuine partnership. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it's very lopsided. Now if your spouse isn't much of a partner, that doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to live up to your partnership. We're to care for our homes and our kids and our husbands regardless. But that doesn't mean it's easy, and it doesn't mean that we should do everything for those who persist in laziness, enabling very unChristlike behaviour.
So that's what I've got to say. What about the rest of you? Any thoughts on how to help her? Am I being too easy? Too harsh? What do you think?
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Yesterday we were talking about disciplining kids, and one of the most difficult parts of marriage is agreeing how to discipline. When one parent is more lenient, and one is more harsh, often parents fail to back each other up, and instead form emotional bonds with the kids. Here's how it may typically play out:
Johnny and Jimmy are yelling at each other and hitting each other. Mom tells them to stop, and they laugh at her and keep knocking things over. She feels helpless and starts to tear up because they don't listen to her.
Meanwhile Dad walks in. He sees Mom's condition, takes one look at the boys who are acting up, and lets it all fly. He yells, sends everybody to their rooms, and threatens to ground them for at least a week.
Mom, who was upset at the boys, is now upset at Dad for overreacting. She just wants a peaceful home, and Dad has now guaranteed that everybody will be mad at everybody all night. Why can't he stop yelling? So she goes into Johnny's room and strokes his back as he cries, telling him that Daddy didn't really mean it. "Daddy just gets mad sometimes," she says. "You know what he's like."
Dad knows she's doing this, but he doesn't say anything. He just heads to the living room, plops on the couch, and turns on the TV. When she comes out of Johnny's room, she sees him sulking, and gets even more mad herself. Now he's being mean to her, when he should be apologizing!
That's one scenario. Perhaps it's the opposite in your house. Perhaps you're the disciplinarian, and your husband is always joking with the kids, telling them they're not really grounded, or trying to make them laugh when they're supposed to be being punished.
Or here's another situation, one that happened in our family recently. One of our daughters, who had been very compliant, hit puberty, and things started to really bother her. She'd even snarl at her sister sometimes, and become quite bossy and miserable. My husband handled it by becoming very firm. He didn't want to put up with any of that and reinforce it, so it was better to nip it in the bud, he thought.
While on the whole I agreed with it, I also saw that sometimes when said daughter became upset she had legitimate reasons. But instead of trying to see those reasons, my husband reacted to everything the same way: punish her for sulking. For several months they were at loggerheads.
From my perspective, I was stuck in the middle. I saw when my husband was right and she was being unreasonable. But other times she was just upset and needed help working through something. But they both started digging in their heels, refusing to really communicate well with each other.
Finally I went out for a walk with my husband and just shared my heart. I didn't blame him. I didn't say "you are treating her all wrong." I said, "I am scared that you aren't connecting with her anymore." (and they used to be closer than I was with her). "Why do you think that is?" We talked for a while, and then, when the opportunity was there, I told him that I thought that at times he was overreacting, and gave a recent example. He got defensive at first, but I asked him just to listen to me for a few minutes and agree to try to do things differently. And he did, and today they have a great relationship.
I should note, by the way, that there are other times when he has had to do the same with me. I remember about five years ago he had to sit me down and talk to me about how I wasn't being firm enough with our other daughter. I disagreed. I thought he was too mean. But in retrospect, he was right, and after a while I took his advice to heart and did something about it.
The main lesson: as far as it depends upon you, do not get in the middle with a child and your spouse. Here's some key pointers:
1. Present a united front with your children. If you feel that your spouse is disciplining (or failing to discipline) appropriately, do not take this up with the children. Take it up with your husband afterwards, when the children are out of earshot. It is so important for kids to see their parents in agreement with one another, so that they know they cannot play you both against each other.
2. Never use your child as a sounding board for your disappointment in your spouse. If you think your spouse was too harsh, and you're mad at him for it, don't tell your child that you get frustrated when Daddy gets angry. Don't tell your child that you don't like it when Daddy is sulky, too. It sets up a weird relationship where you have an emotional bond with your child where Daddy is excluded, and it's not healthy. If you're upset with your spouse, take it to God. Take it to a close friend or mentor. But do not take it to your child.
3. Talk to your spouse frequently about how you should discipline. Discipline changes every 6 months or so as children age. What worked before may not work now, nor is it necessarily appropriate. Have conversations when there are no major crises about what behaviour you should expect, and what appropriate consequences should be.
4. If you don't agree with how your spouse is disciplining, talk to him at a time when there is no crisis. Go for a walk. Go on a date night. Have breakfast on Saturday. Share some time when you also show him that you love him, so that you can really talk. 5. If you still don't agree, and it's a big issue, talk about having a third party, preferably a mentor couple who has children older than yours, in to talk about discipline. Usually outside people can see problems, even when we think they can't, and chances are couples would love to help you with this! Find a couple whose children you admire, and ask them to come and talk to you. But don't ambush your hubby with this! Talk to hubby so that he agrees, and find a couple that you both agree on.
If you aren't on the same page when it comes to discipline, ask yourself this: am I going to my children for emotional support? Am I undermining my husband in front of them (even if he is wrong?). If the answers to this are yes, you have some major changes to make. A family can't function well if you are not a unit. Work at being a unit first, and then deal with the problem. Don't think that his disciplining mistakes justify you undermining the relationship.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your spouse about discipline? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
I have always been a stay at home mom. I love being a stay at home mom. This is exactly where I want to be. My husband never demanded that I stay at home; he would have supported me in working, had I chosen to do so, though his preference would have been for me to stay at home. But I chose to be here.
On the whole, I am very conscious of the benefits of that choice. I have a close relationship with my daughters, especially since we also chose to homeschool. I have more flexibility with my time. While I do feel frazzled, I don't think I feel as frazzled as much as I would otherwise.
But nevertheless, there is one part of this arrangement that has always irked me. It's such a minor thing, but let me see if you all agree. Ever since the girls were babies, and I was nursing, I have never made a single decision when asked if I could go out or do something without first thinking, "who will look after the kids?", or, as they have grown older, "what are the kids planning for that time? Do they need to be driven somewhere?". Sometimes I have decided to go anyway, and have arranged for someone else to drive them or to look after them. Other times I have asked my husband. But my kids have always been my first thought.
My husband, on the other hand, rarely considers them when he makes decisions about meetings, work, etc., because he knows I will always be there. It is not that my husband doesn't spend time with my kids; on the contrary, up until two years ago he actually took them 1-2 days a week. It is just that on the whole, he assumes that I am with them, so they don't factor into the equation when he has to decide on church meetings, or work meetings, or anything else.
If he's doing something for leisure, of course, he always checks with me, but if it's work or church, he goes right ahead.
Now my husband works hard. He works harder than I do, and I have it really good. But sometimes I just find myself a tad bitter that I am the default caregiver. If I need to work, I need to make arrangements. If he needs to work, he doesn't.
It's not really that big a deal, and like I said, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. My husband bought me flowers this week just to show how much he loves me, and he really does adore me. He takes amazing care of this family.
But yesterday morning, when he wasn't at work, but we both had tons of errands to do, I asked him to drive the kids to piano on his way downtown. He bristled, because he was so busy. He assumed I would do it.
This is a very minor thing, but all day it ate at me. It wasn't even that I wanted him to drive them particularly; it was just that I was getting a little bit sick of it being assumed that they were always mine to figure out, especially since this year I have taken on 100% of the homeschooling (when he used to do some).
So, dear readers, that's a very typical scenario in marriage. You're angry at your husband about something that is not huge. It is not life-threatening. It is not a make it or break it issue. But nevertheless, you are angry. What do you do?
Here, I would like to give you a blueprint for how to handle these little things in marriage. The blueprint works for bigger things, too, but I often find it's these little things that we allow to fester.
1. Admit to yourself that you are upset. Don't hide it. It only pops up later.
2. Have it out with God. Don't just lambaste into your hubby, and don't nurture it in your mind. Have it out with God, and confess that you're angry and ask Him to take any bitterness away. Confess any sin that you've been harbouring in your heart. Make things right with God before you try to fix it with your husband. Ask God to show you how to deal with it.
3. Think of things from his point of view. Did you do anything that he might also find difficult? (In this situation, I certainly did. I did not react well when he told me he didn't want to drive them).
4. Plan a good time to talk to your husband about it. I'm one of those who has to deal with issues straight away, so much so that I'm often tempted to call him at work. In general, this isn't a good idea because at work, men are often focused on work. Figure out a time when you both can be more relaxed and you can really hash this out. Right when he gets home from work usually isn't a good time, either. Let him relax a bit.
5. When you talk to him, stick to the facts on this particular issue, and don't bring in other issues. Don't make it larger than it is.
6. Use "I" statements, not "you" statements. It sounds corny, but it matters, and it gives a whole new dynamic to your discussions. Look at the difference between this:
"I feel put-upon when it's assumed that I'm the one to take care of the girls' schedule, no matter what both of us are doing."
and this:
"You always assume that I'm the one who is going to drop everything and rearrange everything for the girls. You never have to plan your schedule around them."
A big difference, isn't there? In one, I am owning the problem. I am saying "I have a problem, can we talk about it?" In another, I am expressly giving blame. I am saying, "You are the problem". One is much easier to talk about. The second just makes him feel defensive.
7. Voice where you have made mistakes in this issue, or where he has been positive. Don't use words like "you never" or "you always", because then the focus becomes on whether there's an exception, and you start fighting about how a year ago last Tuesday he didn't actually do that. Acknowledge up front where he has done something you appreciated in this area. Make room for some grey.
8. Work towards a solution you both think is fair. Work to the win/win, not the win/lose. Remember in marriage, if only one of you wins, you both really lose.
9. Make up and hug and pray together.
I think if we treated every problem this way, we'd have far fewer issues between us in marriage. Deal with things when they happen in an appropriate way because you're working towards building up the marriage, not building up walls.
Did I handle things this well? No, not exactly. I got a little too emotional when I was talking about it, and sometimes, when I don't feel like Keith understands me, I shut down. But we talked it through, got over my bitterness, and came to an extremely workable solution that is fair to both of us. I'm still going to end up doing about 99% of the stuff with the kids (which I don't mind), but he's going to check in to see if I need him to do anything before he plans his off-days. Chances are I'll say no. But it's the fact that he's checking in with me that matters.
So all's good. And if you're a little ticked at your husband about something right now, I'd suggest you deal with it, too!
It's Wednesday, which means it's our day to talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you can all comment, or write your own marriage posts and link them here! Marriage, I believe, is the cornerstone of our society. But it's not easy. So let's be honest and help each other, and then just maybe we can turn this society around as we build strong families!
Last week my husband and I had such a textbook fight it was almost funny (in retrospect). Here's what happened:
I was feeling overwhelmed with a lot of demands on me. I was trying to homeschool. I was working to some writing deadlines. I had things to do at church. I was speaking last weekend (and this weekend), and I had family who needed me.
And in the middle of all that, I didn't have any time just to be by myself! And I need that "me" time. I had two specific issues with my girls, which were bugging me but which weren't really the cause of my angst, but they were there nonetheless.
One night I had just had it and I let in to my husband about how busy I felt. I knew this was only for a time; many of these time crunchers would be gone soon, but I was overwhelmed. And I happened to mention my frustration that I couldn't get Katie to practice piano right (although really this was minor compared to the rest of the things).
Keith offered to homeschool the girls the next day instead of catching up on paperwork, and I accepted, because he was sweet.
But then the next day, he called the girls down and started railing at them. He was really yelling because they were causing me stress. So I started yelling at him that he wasn't really helping me. If he wanted to help me, he wouldn't yell at the girls because they weren't my problem. But he figured: IF I HAD A PROBLEM, HE HAD TO FIX IT. And since I had been complaining about two specific things the girls were doing (piano practice and sibling bickering), he felt it was time to whip them into shape. But to them, it came out of left field because they had thought that we were all getting along quite well.
So I was mad at Keith for being mad at the girls, he was mad at me for being mad at him, and the girls were just flabbergasted.
Instead of just realizing that he was doing a male thing--trying to fix things--and it would all be okay in the end, I was really angry, because he was supposed to make my day easier and instead he was causing stress for everyone (in my view). He didn't want to talk about it, so instead of getting some work done, which would have at least lowered my stress issues, I seethed. I thought about how mean he was. I thought about how much he over-reacted. I thought about how he was too hard on the kids.
When he was finally ready to talk, and we had everything out, I realized that both of us had over-reacted. He was just worried about me, and he was genuinely trying to help. He wanted the girls to know that they should never cause me stress, and he wanted to defend me, and I shot him down. But he also needed to know that sometimes I just want to vent. I don't need him to fix anything; I just need him to listen.
Once we talked about it rationally, we were both soon laughing and hugging and everything was fine. I realized how much Keith loved me, and I felt much better.
The good thing is that the conflict was resolved really quickly--by noon it was over. Even though the anger feelings were as high as they were at the beginning of our marriage, we're so much better at getting to the root of the problem and talking it out. He listens; I listen; and we're more ready to forgive.
I think that's the wisdom that comes with age and experience. I know he truly loves me, and he knows I truly love him. Then, when a conflict occurs and we're able to think rationally, we realize that the problem can't be a lack of love; more often than not, it's just a misunderstanding.
Early in our marriage we would do one of two things: we would either each clam up, trying to will the other person to drag it out of us, or we would be so sure we were right that we wouldn't even listen to the other person. Now we've learned to get it out early.
Inevitably, when two people live together we will have misunderstandings. We will blow up and get angry occasionally. We will act inappropriately. It takes grace to make a marriage work; grace to our spouse, and grace to ourselves. So next time you're really angry, take a deep breath, and ask yourself this:
Do I truly believe he doesn't love me? Do I really think he's evil? Is this how he usually acts? Or is this something unusual? Am I reading too much into this? Given what I know about my husband, are the things I'm feeling really justified just by what's happening now?
And then--and I know this is hard when you're angry--say a prayer that God will help you see your husband through His eyes. God, help me to see the truth in this situation, and not only my own anger.
Gain proper perspective on the argument, and then gain God's perspective on your husband, and you just may find that listening to your husband and getting the conflict resolved is far easier than you used to think it was!
Now, what about you? Have you ever had a fight because your husband wanted to fix something? Do you have a special way of resolving conflict? I'd love to hear about it! Or if you just have other thoughts on marriage you want to share, why not write your own blog post, and then come back here and enter them in the Linky feature. We'd love to hear them!
Hi, everybody! It's time for Wifey Wednesday, when we talk marriage, husbands, sex, and family!
I launch the topic, but then I hope you're join me, writing your own marriage post and linking in back here. (and I'm going to cheat and make this a Works for Me Wednesday post, too! Go on over and see more Works for Me Wednesday posts here).
Last week we had a really interesting discussion on what to do when your husband won't try new foods and doesn't eat particularly healthy (healthily?). We continued the discussion here.
And I got thinking about this whole issue quite a bit. What do you do when your husband acts "just plain stupidly"? I'm talking down, aren't I? And it's never good to talk down to your husband. We should always guard against that. But let's be honest (and I do want to be honest here in Wifey Wednesday, or else what's the point?). What if you have a conflict with your husband, whether it's about food or not, where he just doesn't get that there's a problem, and he has no desire to change, even if it's really, really bothering you?
Some of these things may be serious, but I don't want to address the ones that are actually really sinful (like if your husband's an alcoholic, or a pornography addict, or something). I've dealt with those elsewhere. I mean the run of the mill, everyday conflicts where you just can't get him to see. It could be the food issue, where he won't try anything new. It could be that he watches really inappropriate television shows in front of the children, and refuses to give in. Maybe he won't eat dinner at the table but wants to watch TV all the time, and you have no family time. Maybe he won't ever play with the kids or put them in bed. Whatever. Things that really bother you, but he just has no interest in changing.
What do you do?
Here are my thoughts, in order. They're a little harsh, and I'm sorry. But we've got to speak the truth here.
1. Realize that you cannot change anyone else. In my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum I dealt with this quite a bit. Often when we're upset in our marriages we think the problem is all him. If he would just smarten up, we'd be fine. But what's the point in thinking that? You cannot change him. You need to stop trying. I know that sounds difficult, but keep reading, because I do offer hope.
2. Try to see him in a different light. He is God's gift to you. As someone wrote in the comments last week, perhaps 20% of what he does really bugs you, but focus on the other 80%. Learn gratitude for what he does do and accept him for who he is. The more you accept him, the more he feels competent and strong, and the more likely it is that he will want to grow as a person. Men have a deep-seated need to be competent. If they feel disapproval, they often retreat (into television, work, etc.). Treat them well, and they're more likely to grow. But don't do so in order for them to grow. Do so because you want the best for them and you honestly are finding things to be grateful for.
3. Pray God's will for your husband. Instead of praying that he will improve in the areas that you find difficult, pray for him that God will help him in his various roles. Pray that he will become the man God wants him to be, not the man you want him to be.
4. Pray that you will be the best wife you can be for him. I know he's hurting you. I know he's doing things that you wish he wouldn't and that really bother you. But ask God what you can do to show your husband love. What can you do to be the best wife you can be? Instead of focusing on what he is not doing, focus on what you can do. God will honour that, and you will feel better. Dare yourself to be as good a wife as you can (which doesn't mean excusing sin; it just means learning to love). As you build gratitude for who he is (#2), pray for him (#3), and focus on your own roles (#4), you'll likely find your attitude towards him changing.
5. Change what you have control over. If he is treating you disrespectfully, for instance, you don't need to nag him about it. You don't need to fight about it, or withhold from him. Tell him how you feel, but then put yourself in a position where he can't treat you that way. I list a whole bunch of different scenarios like this in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, but let me give you an example. If he wants to eat in front of the television, that is completely his perogative. But that doesn't mean you have to serve him there. Set the table, have the kids sit down, and if he wants to bring his plate elsewhere, he can. He's an adult; he can do what he wants. But you don't need to facilitate it. This one's kind of controversial, and some of you may disagree with me here. Feel free! But I think it is important to make it a norm that the family does things together. If he chooses something different, that's fine. But family togetherness is the norm.
6. Work for your children's benefit. If you feel that they are losing out on time with their dad, then you should still give them that time. If their dad isn't leading family devotions, you need to do it with them. If their dad isn't reading to them at night, you need to do it. Always leave the door open so he can join you, but don't abandon something important simply because he won't do it.
7. Find your own peace in God. If you are feeling put upon and taken for granted, then go to God for your peace. Don't rely on your husband to meet all your needs; he never will. Get involved in a good Bible study. Fill your time focusing on God, and not on your husband's shortcomings. Put praise CDs on and let music fill the house. Seek out a godly mentor that can help you grow in the Lord (not help you vent all your frustration about your husband). Look to Jesus, not your husband, and probably the problems you have will minimize in importance.
If you want more encouragement for how to handle your marriage when you want it to change, but you don't see any hope, check out To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
(Here's a quick 1 minute look at the book:)
And now, why not write your own Wifey Wednesday post, and then come back here and link up? We'd love to hear your thoughts! And don't forget to leave a comment!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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