When I talk about sex to different groups, and I get asked to quite a bit because of my book Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, the most common question I get asked afterwards is, "what do I do when he wants me to do X and I think X is gross?" You can fill in your own X there, but you get the picture.
That's a tough one. So here are some thoughts, maybe a bit disconnected, that I have on the subject that hopefully can help people work it out.
1. First, the biblical conjunction in 1 Corinthians 7 that the body belongs to the spouse doesn't mean that your husband can do whatever he wants with you. That violates Ephesians 5 and many other passages. So don't even try to go there.
2. I think this whole problem started because our society has divorced sex from relationship, and so now all that's left is to make sex better by pushing the physical envelope. Think about it: how often do you see articles on "how to make sex better by improving your relationship", vs. "10 great new tricks in bed"? It's always the new tricks. And trust me, humans have been doing this for thousands of years. There's nothing new.
But because sex is now so common outside of marriage, where it's not used as an expression of love and commitment, it becomes all about the physical. Thus we live in a pornographic culture that promotes the physical above all else, and this has invaded the church, too. Because it's everywhere. And it's how even Christian men and women think of sex.
Now I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling great physically. But here's the issue: sex at heart is a spiritual, emotional and physical union. The reason it feels so good is because all three of those are connected. And when you get that spiritual connection while you're making love--when you're able to express true love and commitment at the same time--it's a really profound thing.
The world doesn't have that. The only way they can improve sex is to do something weirder physically, because they're missing the other two aspects.
When I meet a couple who are having disagreements over WHAT to do in bed, I tell them that what they should be focusing on is WHO is in bed with them. Make it about the WHO, not the WHAT.
And here's a simple way to do that: look into each other's eyes, especially at the end, if you know what I mean. That's a really powerful thing. Make it about each other.
If your spouse is really wanting you do something else, why not talk about the spiritual aspect of sex? The spiritual connection? Wait for a time when you're both not stressed and happy with each other, and then seduce him, but tell him you want to do it your way. And make it all about how much you love him. Then talk about this part of it.
So if you don't want to do everything he wants to do, I really do think that's okay. But do the things you like doing with enthusiasm, and he'll appreciate that! And then make that emotional connection with him. That's what it's all about, anyway, and we shouldn't let the world cheapen it.
I would love to participate in your meme next week (sorry, I missed the boat, since there are only about 30 minutes of Wednesday left...). What are your rules? Can "wifey" posts be anything related to wifing?
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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Thank you for this very insightful post... I have some questions for you. I think I may have to email you.