It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Too many of us allow us to become doormats in our marriages.
I sometimes read Dalrock's blog on marriage. He's not writing from a Christian point of view, but he is very interested in marriage and in keeping marriages together, and as such he frequently comments on how today's culture works to undermine marriage.
In particular, he highlights how often women become "unhappy" because they expect men to meet all of their needs. In one recent post, he was commenting on a study of marriages where women felt this way. He quotes the research:
Langley reports that she interviewed just two men who responded effectively to the challenge of their wives’ disloyalty.
The first man took the initiative and filed for divorce after his wife expressed on several occasions that she was unhappy and considering a separation. Before the divorce was final, his wife was trying to reconcile, but he chose not to because of her [lack of interest] in working on the marriage prior to his filing for divorce.
The second case was a man in a second marriage who had made all the usual mistakes the first time around but, unlike most husbands, managed to learn from the experience. As soon as his second wife started talking about a vague “unhappiness,” he inferred that she had met another man. He put down in writing clear conditions for remaining married to her and refused to agree to any separation, knowing it would only be a prelude to divorce. Insisting she break off her extramarital affair at once, he wrote: “I will not allow my spirit to deteriorate because of your indecision.” Rather than attempting to remove all possible grounds for his wife’s discontent, he simply told her: “complaining is no longer acceptable. If you want me to do or not do something, you must tell me what it is. I do not expect you to read my mind and I will no longer try to read yours.” This worked.
I find this second case very interesting, though I don't think it matters whether it's the wife or it's the husband who is unhappy. The principles are the same.
I know several women whose husbands are unhappy in marriage. Their husbands blame the wives for everything, but are unwilling to do anything to grow the marriage (date nights, counseling, even just communicating). They won't tell their wives what the real issue is.
The wives are so petrified the husbands will leave that they turn themselves inside out to try to make sure that there is nothing in their behaviour that the husband could object to.
Now, I have spoken at length in this blog about how you have to learn to show your spouse love in their language, and how we need to make sure that we are loving our spouses, even if they are not showing us love. But that does not mean that I think we should be doormats or lose our self-respect.
My mother, for instance, when she was married allowed herself to get walked all over, and tolerated really horrible behaviour on the part of my dad, because she was so scared of being left alone. And in the end, all that bending over backwards did absolutely nothing.
When you bend over backwards and try so hard to become what the other person wants, you cease being yourself. You're not looking to be what God wants you to be; you're looking to be what you think your husband wants you to be, and those are not necessarily the same thing. A truly intimate marriage relationship is based on two individuals who can cling to each other, confide in each other, talk to one another, and feel like partners. If you don't feel like your husband's partner, but instead feel like his maid or his slave or even his mother, then you're not building a good marriage. You're pushing him farther away from real intimacy.
James Dobson talked about this well in his book Love Must Be Tough. His central thesis was this: the whole way we do marriage counseling is backwards, because in the vast majority of troubled marriages, only one person is willing to work on things. The other doesn't care if they're hurting the spouse. They don't care how the spouse feels. They don't care what happens to the relationship, because they've become completely caught up in what they want.
So they're not going to go to counseling. So what do you do if you want to work on the relationship but your husband doesn't, and can't even admit there's a problem?
Dobson says you need to do have them feel the consequences of their actions, because that's the only way out of the selfish fantasy land they're in. They believe that they can keep daydreaming about leaving, and threatening to leave, and talk about being unhappy, because you'll sit there and take it and bend over backwards to try to satisfy them.
So stop bending over backwards, and show them what it will be like if they follow through and leave. Protect yourself and keep your self-respect, because a person cannot fall in love again with someone who has become a doormat and who no longer values herself.
And that's what the husband did in this example. He had already been burned by an ex-wife, so when the next wife starting talking about being unhappy, he said, "you either put up or shut up". If you want to work on the relationship, fine. But you can't just complain about it, because I won't live with someone who complains like that all the time. You need to commit. Commit, and we'll work on it together. Continue to hold out and say you're not sure and I'm making you unhappy and you need to test me, and that is not acceptable.
God hates divorce, but where Christians err is that we often think that the proper response then when a spouse starts talking about divorce is to try to do everything possible to appease that spouse. Appeasing, though, doesn't work, and can cause us to do things that God wouldn't want us to do. We may put up with things like affairs, or we stop respecting ourselves or our kids because we don't want to rock the boat. What we do need to do is to show proper love. Proper love always points people to God; inappropriate love allows people to act in an unChristlike manner. When we love inappropriately, by allowing people to walk all over us, we actually encourage them to go further from God. We need to show people that if they leave, life will be difficult, but they need to make a choice. We need to stop tolerating affairs, or pornography, or flirtations, or addictions, or things which will eventually ruin the marriage anyway. The best way to help your husband get over pornography is actually to not tolerate it.
If you're in this kind of a marriage, I'd recommend both Love Must Be Tough and Boundaries. Both books show what is your responsibility in a difficult relationship, and what is not. And remember: the best way to get positive change in a marriage is often through realistic consequences, not by becoming a doormat!
Now I know this is controversial, and I know there is a thin line between pushing someone away and calmly showing consequences. I know we are called to be gracious and to forgive, but I also don't believe we were called to tolerate indecision or evil. So if you have any pointers on how to walk that fine line, and do what's right, please leave a comment!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! I'm taking the summer a little slowly, so I've asked Tammy Rhoden to guest post for us today. Here's Tammy's story:
As a Christian woman entering a marriage in which I was equally yoked, I expected to live happily ever after once the rings slipped over our fingers. I didn’t believe our marriage would be tainted by the worldly issues of non-believers. I knew there would be a few bumps in the road but overall I wasn’t worried. I thought God made marriage to bring happiness to believing men and women.
But it hasn't been perfect. Actually, there have been far more imperfect moments than not. There have been many heartbreaking moments as well. Moments when I cried out to God and asked Him how He had allowed me to make such an awful mistake! There have been times when I haven't known who I was madder with; Bobby, myself, or God. How had the marriage that I thought was the one every Christian woman was destined to have, turned so sour? Was I not good enough? Had I not paid enough? Would I never finish reaping the harvest of the bad past I had sown? Where was my happiness? I felt betrayed by my husband yes, but more so by God. I felt He had let me down.
I contemplated at times whether I should be able to get out of this marriage. I bargained on occasion with God trying to get Him to work on my behalf. Often I picked myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and got down to the business of saving my marriage. Never during any of these times did I find lasting happiness. Happiness was that elusive emotion that seemed to flit in and out of my marriage but I could never get a handle on so it would remain. What was wrong with us? We are Christians. Why weren't we happy?
Then slowly I began to see things differently. I'm not sure when but over time, I noticed I was changing. Previously, I bought in to the whole idea that seems rather prevalent in the Christian world, that when two believers marry, their marriage should be a good one. After all, if two people are professing to love God then it follows that two people want to please God by living as He directs. So, it's all good and they as Christians are destined to live happily ever after.
That really isn't always the case, though. We want marriage to be a union with another person that brings us happiness but the truth is, God's Word doesn't say that marriage is designed to bring us happiness. In fact it says that it will be an area of struggle and hardship. Genesis3:16 He told the Woman: "You'll want to please your husband, but he'll lord it over you."
At some point, I began to realize that I weighed almost every moment of my marriage on a happiness scale. Because there is no standard unit of happiness in marriage, I often found my scale too light. When I was feeling let down numerous times a day because my scales were always off, it only makes sense that my heart was beginning to develop defense tactics to keep from being hurt so often. As my heart began to harden, it became easier for the enemy to whisper more and more darkness into my ear.
As my heart grew harder and colder and wrapped itself tighter within layers of defensive repellent; I found it harder to respect my husband. When a wife doesn't respect her husband, she finds it hard to submit or to have sex, whether out of spite or lack of desire. When a husband feels emasculated and lonely, he uses emotional distance to cope. Things continue to feed off each other and spiral out of control until each spouse's heart is so hard they not only fall into further sin and treat each other more poorly, but they are no longer of use to God in many ways that they once were.
People tend to expect marriage to bring them happiness even though God never promised it would. Satan desires to harden the hearts of Christians so they aren't able to be used by God as He would like. Satan knows we use how our spouse makes us feel as a happiness gage and when we aren't happy, we begin to try to fix that. When we try to fix our spouse, we begin to have marital problems because our "fixing" stems from selfish desires and expectations of happiness that we believe our spouse should provide. As we criticize each other and try to change each other or begin to seek happiness outside our marriage, our hearts are hardened and become less usable by God for His ultimate purpose, which is to bring all things in the universe together under Christ.
Here's a thought: if Satan attacks married people first and foremost through their spouses, in order to render their hearts useless to God, doesn't it make sense that two strong believing Christians may have more problems within their marriage than non-believers?
Does this mean that I think Christians should just settle for a poor marriage if they are in one or that they shouldn't strive for their marriage to be all it can be? No! But I also think that we as Christians should begin taking seriously the role God intended us to play in this world. He expects us all to share the Gospel and to play large parts in bringing everything in the universe together under Christ. We often forget that and instead get caught up in thinking about our marital happiness. We need to remember that as well as pursuing happiness in our marriage, we need to pursue joy in Christ. This is how we find it possible to love our spouse with the agape love of Jesus, making us capable of fulfilling God's purpose.
I have begun to measure the moments of my marriage with a different tool. I no longer use my happiness scale but rather ask myself if the moment has done or is doing anything to further God's purpose. If I find that it has, I celebrate and thank God for His goodness and grace. If I find that it was lacking, then I look back through the lens of self-examination, held by the Holy Spirit and try to discover where I fell short. I try not to think about where Bobby may have fallen short because God uses us as individuals and we are accountable as individuals.
Since I have begun to make personal, heart changing, spiritual choices in the way I deal with my unhappiness, Bobby has begun to turn around a lot in areas he personally felt he needed to improve in. We have identified who our enemy really is and we know it's not each other.
Is everything hunky dory now? Well, things are still a work in progress and I think they may remain that way in one sense or another, maybe until death do us part. As for happiness; I can say that the joy I am experiencing more regularly in my life surpasses earthly happiness by far. Joy is what I have the most of but I am also happy more often than not as I am no longer feeling let down most of the time. My perspective of what marriage is supposed to offer me, has changed to align itself with a more godly vision and that makes a huge difference in the happiness scale!
Tammy Rhoden is a Christian Life Coach and Speaker. She offers one-on-one and group coaching as well as workshops, seminars, and lectures designed to support women in facilitating change in their lives that are in agreement with God's Word. Areas of support include but aren’t limited to marriage, children, career, finances, weight loss, setting boundaries, forgiveness, making friends, and time management. Please visit Tammy’s site, Jesus is My Host of Hope, to learn more about her, or find her on Facebook!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
My blogging friend Terry wrote a series of posts a while back on why she came to see the world through a different, more family-centric, light. I thought this quote was particularly apt. Terry writes,
In recent years, however, I began to notice some of the same issues cropping up among these white, middle class, suburban kids that I saw in the neighborhood I grew up in. Teen pregnancy, drop-outs, drug use, etc. And in just about every case, I began to notice a common thread: recently divorced parents or parents who were never at home leaving their adolescent kids at home all afternoon to get into all kinds of trouble. Some of these kids are the products of well-meaning, church-going, Christian parents.
Terry's right. A few years ago I read the book Home Alone America by Mary Eberstadt, who looked at what happened to kids once both parents started working in large numbers, so that there just weren't adults around to supervise, lend an ear, and in general know what was going on in their kids' lives.
One of the points that she makes is that life is not just harder for the kids whose parents work; it has an effect on the culture as a whole. Let's just look at one little area, like childhood obesity. One of the reasons they believe this is increasing is because parents aren't around to say, "no eating until dinnertime!", or to bother to come up with alternate activities for kids to do when they're bored, so they let kids turn to the potato chip cupboard.
But it's not only that. It's also that what was once commonplace in people's homes--eating a homemade dinner together as a family--has been displaced by eating takeout or prepared food, with everyone fending for themselves or eating at different times. I remember in the 1970s when TV dinners first came out. Every few weeks my mother would buy them as treats, and she and I would sit on the couch with TV tables and watch the Carol Burnett show.
But today we have so much more than just the TV dinners. With so many people working, consumers wanted easy frozen meals. And now a large part of the grocery store is these frozen meals. And since they're convenient, everyone is buying them, whether you work or not. And so it has changed everyone's diet, for the worse. Homecooked meals are no longer the norm.
Other problems that Eberstadt notices? When more and more parents are gone, kids start to hibernate instead of playing outside because there aren't people to supervise, and this impacts even those parents who are home, because the norm is now to cocoon rather than to play outside. Hence, kids get less exercise. It also means kids don't play with each other unless you have specific play dates.
And since more and more kids are growing up with less supervision from parents, more and more kids are also developing behaviour problems, which means that a new norm is developing at school for what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Teachers put up with stuff today they never would have put up with forty years ago because they have to pick their battles. And this means that standards worsen.
She also notes that the importance of parents in kids' lives does not evaporate when kids hit school. The idea, "well, I'll stay home until the kids hit kindergarten, and then I'll work" is still difficult for kids. Kids need the most supervision, after all, in those years that they can get into the most trouble, which tend to be the teen years. And yet that seems to be when we give them the least supervision.
Our society basically rests on the idea that each family will be a two-income earning family. And yet much of this is due to expectations. When my husband grew up in his one-income family, they had an old black and white television, they drank powdered milk, and they only had one car. They lived in an extremely small house for a family of six. They didn't have huge wardrobes or even a lot of toys; they mostly went outside. And that was normal.
Today we expect that we will eat expensive foods, have awesome furniture, have the full cable hookup or satellite hookup with a large screen TV, and have two cars. I'm not saying that every dual income earning family expects that; only that this is considered the norm, and to have less somehow means that you haven't arrived or you're not providing.
I think we need to change our expectations. We have more stuff, but worse relationships. We have bigger houses (they've doubled in size in the last forty years, on average), and yet higher divorce rates. I know some women need to work, especially in this economy. But I would encourage everybody to be very creative when you do so, to see if you can find a job that doesn't require you being out of the house from 8-6. Or find a way to work 3/4 time and have your husband work 3/4 time.
I know that this isn't politically correct to say, and I know I will get lambasted for it, but I really don't think you should have kids if you're also assuming that both parents will be working full-time and no one will be home to care for the kids for ten to twelve hours a day. Before you even start having children, talk about how you are going to pay for things. Learn to live with one income, and save the second income before the kids are born. Stick to a budget. We have lost so much in our "home alone" culture, and we need to bring back the importance of family. I hope that people realize that most of the problems in our society can be directly traced to a breakdown of family, and decide to start emphasizing keeping the family close before we look to consumer things. Relationships matter far more than stuff, anyway.
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
Recently I was chatting with a woman who’s walking through a bleak time in her marriage. She’s not sure if it can survive, though she desperately wants it to. But one of the things that breaks her heart the most is that her children, who are in their twenties, have told her, “why would we get married when we see how awful marriage has been for you and Dad?”
Excuse me while I get a little worked up here, but I find that conclusion, while understandable, completely illogical. I hear variations of it all the time: “Mom and Dad were such bad parents, how I could bring a child into the world? I might do what they did!” Or, “Mom and Dad just hated each other; why would I get married? I’ll end up hating my spouse, too!”
So let’s deconstruct this for a minute. If you believe these things, you obviously have plenty of negative feelings towards your parents. You did not have the kind of childhood that you deserved. And so you’re angry. And your anger is directed first and foremost at your parents. Yet who are you taking it out on? Yourself. You’re saying: they did me wrong, and so I am going to punish myself by making sure I never have a family of my own. Despite the fact that marriage is one of the best routes to happiness, I’m not going to participate. Sounds kind of backwards to me.
Or let’s look at it from another angle: you obviously think they were not good parents, or even good people. But do you have the same opinion of yourself? Are you simultaneously saying, “I think Dad was cruel and distant, and so I’m not going to get married because I’m cruel and distant, too?” If the things that bother you most about them are simultaneously in you, then what right do you have to feel cheated of your childhood?
Now, of course, you may not necessarily believe that your parents’ marriage failed because they were wrong; it may have failed because marriage itself is a bad institution. That’s a pretty commonly held belief, but it’s not supported by evidence. Instead, studies show that those who are most likely to be happy, least likely to be depressed, more likely to live longer, healthier, and wealthier lives, and more likely to raise well-adjusted children are the married. We may think marriage is dead because that’s loudly proclaimed on the covers of magazines, but outside of freaky Hollywood it isn’t. Marriage is good for you, and it’s good for society. And here’s another tidbit: the majority of first marriages still succeed.
Does that mean every marriage will be good? Of course not. But marriage is not the problem; people who get married are the problem. Divorce is not like the flu that you suddenly catch for no reason; if you work at a marriage, in most cases it will thrive. And if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you can choose not to continue that pattern. Read books about how to have a great marriage. Go to a parenting class. Talk to people who have a great marriage. Figure out what makes it work. I grew up without a dad, but I married a man who is an awesome dad. I figured my childhood was lonely; why should my adulthood be lonely, too?
If you are blessed enough to find someone you love spending time with, whom you can truly be yourself with, and who shares your values, then cling to that person for life. You are not your parents, and if they messed up with you, you don’t deserve to punish yourself for it. Break the cycle by committing to love someone over a lifetime. Then you won’t be that hurting child all your days.
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First, my daughter bought a ukelele yesterday, with the money that she makes from teaching piano. That's four instruments she has (not counting the piano that is mine): a keyboard, an acoustic guitar, an electric guitar, and now a ukelele. She's really quite good at all of them. And it makes me so proud.
I need to brag just for a moment: for the first time, last Sunday she led worship in church from the piano. I missed it because I was speaking at a retreat, but my husband videotaped some of it for me. We've had her in music lessons since she was 4, and I always prayed that she would use music for God. And now she can. She leads her youth praise team, too. It's just so fun to watch them grow up.
As for the ukelele, immediately after she bought it she was playing it while we were walking down the street downtown in our small town. She figured out "I'll Fly Away" pretty fast, and Katie and I were singing harmony. It was pretty funny. Three part harmony while we're walking downtown with a ukelele. She figures a ukelele is a great way to meet people at youth conventions, because who can forget a ukelele? And it's portable. She has this imitating a geek thing down to an art.
Okay, next item. I figured out what was really bothering me about my post yesterday, about the woman who had an affair, married the guy, and is now back in ministry.
It's this: I have no problem with people being restored and peaceful and joyful DESPITE sin in their past. What I have a problem with is people feeling peaceful and joyful BECAUSE of the sin in their past. And she talks over and over again in the book about how happy her marriage is now, and how happy the kids are, as if she is happier than she would have been had she not done what she did.
That's what makes it seem as if she is an advertisement for having an affair, despite the steps at restoration that she took, and that's what makes me uneasy. Again, I'm not saying that she shouldn't have a ministry; she isn't involved in teaching per se, and she does have a gift. And God does forgive. So I haven't completely figured it out, and I probably never will. But that's what bothers me: the fact that she is happy because of the sin, and that doesn't seem like a good message to be giving, even if you're also saying that you did wrong.
One other thing: I appreciated all the comments yesterday, but Mary's really made me think. She said that the idea that all sins are equal is a modern theology. Jesus distinguished between sins, and the more I think about it, the more I think she's right. Jesus said teachers will be judged more harshly. He said towns in Israel would be judged worse than Sodom and Gomorrah because Sodom and Gomorrah did not have the Messiah with them. He said that those who cause a little one to sin are in worse shape than others.
I think there's a mistaken idea about sin, because we confuse two doctrines. There is no doubt that everyone is a sinner. We all sinned, and those who break one law are guilty of breaking the whole law. Absolutely. But that does not necessarily mean that all sins are the same. All sins, even what seems like minor ones, are enough to make us in need of salvation and unable to get into heaven on our own. But some are more serious. That does not mean that Jesus' blood is not enough for those big sins; it absolutely is. Yet there are some sins we are especially warned about, like sexual sin and divorce and hurting children. I just find that interesting. I'm not trying to draw any conclusions in this case; I'm just pondering it today.
So I guess I'm no closer to figuring out how to become a more gentle and less judgmental person! Sigh. Maybe I'll just concentrate on listening to Becca play the ukelele and try to forget all these moral dilemmas.
Nevertheless, there are times I'm not very proud of myself, and one of those times was last week. I fear I was snarky to a commenter without meaning to be. Part of it was simple logistics; I was trying to reply to a comment from my Blackberry, and I can't type very fast on it, so I just wrote the bare minimum, which sounds snarkier than I actually feel.
But part of it is also that I do see things in one way, and I'm not the biggest fan of being challenged. That, I think, is the weakness part of it.
God is both justice and mercy. He is the perfect blend of each. I remember once doing a personality test which asked me which one I liked better. I picked justice, but I know many of you would pick mercy (including one of my daughters). It's just which way we are more bent towards.
But it also leaves me seeming perhaps more judgmental than I really am, and for that I am sorry. So let me tell you a story of one of my conundrums, and maybe some of you who lean more towards the mercy side can tell me what your solution would be.
This weekend I skimmed through a book I picked up at a Christian library at the retreat I was speaking at. It was a story I've always wondered about: a well-known Christian artist has an affair and gets divorced, loses much of her ministry, but then is restored by her church. She confesses her sin before the church leadership, she apologizes and repents to all she hurt, and she finds God once again. She is now married to the man she had the affair with, and her ministry is taking off once again.
I had heard the story but I had never heard her side, and I wanted to, because I confess I has always been uncomfortable with the fact that she was returning to ministry. And I leave after reading the book really torn. Our God does restore; we serve a God who did not stone the adulteress. We serve a God who said that everyone could come to Him and confess and be forgiven. And divorce is NOT the unpardonable sin. And yet I still struggle with someone doing something that wrecks two families, and then apologizing, and then marrying the guy anyway and now being perfectly happy. Isn't that saying that God's design for marriage isn't the right one? That sometimes divorce is the right thing to do if you're unhappy? And I just can't believe that.
And yet I know there are people who have walked through very difficult pasts, and have made mistakes they can't change now. Am I to say that they need to live with those mistakes forever, since turning back the clock is impossible? Am I to deny grace?
I don't want to, and yet I also fear that we are becoming far too lax in accepting divorce. We have a culture which preaches that happiness is king, and that you should follow your heart, even if that leads you to splitting up your family. And the divorce rates in the church are still far too high. Even if this woman is happier now, what about her kids? Sure, they may have recovered, but would they not have been better off if the parents had figured things out first?
I really don't have a good answer. I don't want to tell people that there are some things they did that are just too bad that they can't come back to God. But I also don't want to say that divorce doesn't matter; that you can be fully restored and go on as if nothing happened. And how do you find the middle? I can't do it. Perhaps I should just be glad I'm not God, and if I remembered the fact that I wasn't God more often perhaps I wouldn't be so judgmental and frequently snarky.
If someone could please tell me how to navigate this I would so appreciate it, because God has been speaking to me lately about how, in little things, I lash out too much. I need to learn more gentleness, and more grace, and more forgiveness. He is molding my personality to be gentler, and I know that I must allow that. But part of me is fighting, and the reason is that I can't find the way in this woman's case. But perhaps we're not supposed to. Perhaps that really is the mystery of grace.
In pretty much every church I have ever gone to, I have always started off those first few years in a honeymoon phase: you look around and everybody looks so together, so Christian, so loving. Then, bit by bit, you hear whispers. So and so had an affair and the marriage is reeling. So and so moved out, but they don't want anyone to know yet. So and so has an alcohol problem.
In most of these cases, the vast majority of people don't know. It's all happening below the surface, below the smiling faces and the giggling but slightly dazed children and the pageants and the dresses.
And it makes me so sad, because it's hard to help people who don't want to ask for help. When you know a couple is struggling, and you want to help, how do you approach them when they haven't actually told you that they're struggling? That's impolite. Once we had a couple over for dinner that we know were having problems. They weren't admitting it, though, so we just started sharing about all of our problems. We told them how we had struggled when we had first married, hoping it might get a response, or a "oh, we do that, too". Nothing. We told them how lonely we felt in the marriage. Nothing. All we got was a "thanks for a great dinner," and a thank you card afterwards. They divorced a year later.
At the marriage conference Keith and I spoke at last month in Banff, one thing I urged all the couples to do was to find a mentor couple: a couple that was at least a few years older, with a solid marriage, with whom they could occasionally bounce things off of and talk things through and ask for prayer. They should look for a couple who knew how to keep things silent, and who were there just to help. Many couples said they were a little reluctant, because people might feel it was a burden. And here's what I told them:
Any mature couple in your church would be THRILLED to have someone ask them to mentor them; to have someone ask them to actually talk about real issues. Do you know how much we long to help with real issues, but those who obviously need help don't ask for it? I watch couples I know are struggling, and I pray for them, and I ask in an around-about way how things are going, or if they want to talk, and they smile and tell me no. I know that's not true. So if someone actually came to me and said, "We love each other, but we're really struggling with something. Could we confidentially just come over and talk to you and your husband?", I would jump up and down for joy!
And I would! But I find that the vast majority of people who are having problems won't ask for help.
Now, in many Christian circles I've heard this turned into a blame game. "Well, they can't ask for help because then people would judge them, because churches are so judgmental." That may have a kernel of truth, but I can tell you that in every church I've ever belonged to, there would be a lot more respect for a couple who asked for help than for one who one day just up and divorced with no warning. And most people, I think, are like me. They desperately want to help, not because they think they know everything, but because they know how hard marriage and parenting can be, and they don't want others to hit brick walls. They want to see families thrive.
So I think the whole "people are judgmental so I can't share anything" is a cop out. I'm talking about finding ONE couple, who is older than you, that you can talk to. Surely in every church, even a judgmental one, there is ONE couple. And if there isn't, you need to find another church!
Most people don't ask for help for one of several reasons. First, they believe they genuinely don't need it. They are completely in the right, and so they don't need anyone's advice. Often one half of a couple feels this way, and the other doesn't. If you're married to someone who feels this way, you still need a mentor! Find a woman you can talk to and pray with, even if your husband won't.
The second reason is because they've talked to others before, and those people have told them that they are in the wrong or they need to compromise. I'm thinking of one particular woman I know who broke up her family recently. She was sure she was right; when she started talking to people in the church, though, they didn't take her side. So she stopped talking and did what she wanted to anyway.
And that brings me to number three: often people don't ask for help because they've already made up their minds about what they are going to do. They're going to leave their spouse and split up their family, and they've convinced themselves they're in the right. But they know deep down that perhaps they're not, and so they don't ask for help in case they're convicted.
I don't know where you are today. I don't know if you're having marriage issues or parenting issues or anything. But I do know that so many people do desperately want to help. My husband, a pediatrician, once participated in a community parenting course. It had tons of advertising from the Children's Aid Society, other physicians, and more. Doctors were telling their patients with problem kids to go. It was on the radio. And three families showed up.
I have another friend who is a nutritionist. A few years ago her office put on a seminar called "2 can dine for $1.99" to teach lower income people how to cook well on a limited budget. The only people who showed up was the entire homeschooling group from her community, who thought it was a great educational opportunity. All the people at the welfare office, and at Children's Aid, who were told about it, did not go.
Why do I tell you this? It's because I firmly believe that help is there if you want it. People want to share their knowledge and their experience. But the vast majority of people don't ask for help and don't take it until it is too late.
Every couple, everybody, should have a mentor that they can talk to when things get difficult. I have a mentor, and I am somebody's mentor. My husband has a mentor, and he is also somebody's mentor. This is so important especially for couples in the ministry, where it's hard to talk about your personal issues. But that makes it all the more crucial to have a safe place to go for help. So don't wait. Just ask for help. If more people did that, I think we'd see fewer families splitting up.
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
The hats were plentiful, colourful, and unforgettable. The guests were delighted to be included. The participants were nervous--except for the best man, who looked like he was having the time of his life. And the spectators, at least on this side of the pond, were bleary-eyed and coffeed up.
It was a wedding to be remembered, of which I only watched highlights, because my dedication to cultural moments only goes so far. Nevertheless, I did find the wedding lovely, especially Harry's whispered, "wait til you see her" to his brother, who was staunchly facing straight ahead, just as he was supposed to, while the eyes of two billion people were on his bride.
Her image will now adorn not just books but plates and mugs and spoons and teacups forevermore. And yet as over the top as much of the coverage was, I can't say I was altogether sorry to see a million people lining up to catch a glimpse of the couple, or billions more tune in to see the vows.
We have lived through turbulent days. As I'm writing, our country does not yet know who will win the election. We have witnessed tornadoes and floods and earthquakes and tsunamis and wars and disasters. So it seems fitting that we should, for a time, focus on something as seemingly mundane as a wedding.
After all, the best remedy for much turbulence, I think, is weddings. It is family that keeps our society functioning and strong, even when all around us is falling apart. Government can't do that; it is only family that gives you the sense of belonging, love, and constancy. So William and Kate have the right idea. It is a good thing to find someone to spend your life with, not just because you love them, but because you vow and promise that you yourself will stay true. That commitment changes us, and has ripple effects through the whole culture.
Unfortunately, these effects are growing slimmer as more people eschew vows altogether. Though in the United States 83% of the upper middle class are currently married (and tend to stay married in huge numbers), less than half of working class adults are currently married, and those marriages are less stable. Much of our society no longer believes in the dream of marriage because they have not seen it work. This does not mean that people have given up on love; they have just given up on the thought that love could last forever.
I think that's a tragedy, because marriage brings huge rewards. Married people have the best sex. They're healthier. They live longer (especially the men). The women are less likely to be victims of crime or even domestic violence. They earn more money. They're far wealthier.
Their children are happier, healthier, better adjusted, and more likely to go on to higher education and marriage themselves.
And a society where kids are healthy and make good decisions, and where adults are in stable relationships, is a society where people can use their limited resources, time, and emotional energy to focus on their neighbours, on their communities, on their jobs, and on their hobbies, because there is not as much dysfunction in their lives.
I know not every marriage is perfect, and not every marriage is worth saving. But marriage is still a worthy goal, and for a brief moment last week the world was captivated by it. If that causes a few more little girls to dream of their wedding day again, or a few more little boys to start thinking about the girl that they're going to see walk down the aisle, then maybe the monarchy has proved its relevance once again.
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I come from a generation affected by divorce, but it is not necessarily our own divorces that predominate. It is more likely the divorces of our parents. Marriages that occur today are actually less likely to fall apart than marriages from a few decades ago, because our divorce rate is going down (though our marriage rate is similarly falling). But the ramifications of those Baby Boomer divorces are now trickling down to the generations that have followed.
When you feel alone, angry, and bitter in your marriage it is easy to think that dissolving that marriage will end those feelings (though research doesn’t show that divorce brings increased happiness). That marriage relationship, though, is not the only relationship at stake. There’s also the parent relationship. And the grandparent relationship.
By divorcing, you virtually guarantee that you will see your children less than you do now. We usually come to terms with that before we decide to split. What we sometimes forget, though, is that those children eventually grow up and have families of their own. And divorced people will see less of their grandchildren than grandparents who stay together.
It’s not hard to see why. Take a commenter on my blog who was describing her Easter trials. She and her husband both have divorced parents. Her parents don’t speak to one another. All four sets of parents demand equal time. How do you then negotiate the holidays? In this family’s case, you simply cocoon at home and stop seeing everyone. And now she mourns that her kids don’t really have grandparents they can look up to.
If you’re divorced and you maintain a great relationship with your ex, you can avoid many of these problems simply by not being petty. But here’s the kicker: even if you have an ideal relationship with your ex, you still will see your grandchildren less, because your children do not have unlimited time. They only have so many holidays in the year, and it’s hard to split those up between so many different households.
My own children have one set of divorced grandparents (my own parents) and one set of married grandparents. They have an amazing relationship with my mother and my in-laws, but they have virtually no relationship with my father, because I don’t see him very much. I haven’t lived with him since I was two. I sometimes wonder if he realized, when he left all those years ago, that he was saying good-bye not just to his wife but also to his daughter and any future grandchildren. I wonder if that thought would have made him reconsider.
So many of my generation are just sick of it: sick of their parents’ fighting over who sits where at the wedding; sick of their parents’ complaining about each other; sick of the constant pull to visit too many houses. And so they give up, create their own lives for themselves, and leave their parents behind.
Keep that as a cautionary tale. When we are in the midst of a difficult marriage, getting out can seem like the best route to happiness. But it also puts your life on a very different trajectory. You will never have the same relationship with your children you would have had otherwise. And inevitably, even in a good divorce, you will see your grandchildren far less. So be prepared before you untie that knot.
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I write a lot about marriages. I want to save marriages. That's why I'm writing The Good Girl's Guide to Sex--to try to help get marriages off to a good start!
But I'm quite aware that many of my readers would love to save their marriage--but their spouse doesn't seem to see it the same way.
I've received two heartbreaking emails this week, and heard the story of a close friend who is going through a rough time, too, and it made me think I need to say something to those women, too. So I did! I thought I'd start video blogging some of my posts, and this seemed like a good one to start on:
If you want to save your marriage:
1. Remember, just because it's awful now doesn't mean it always will be.
Of people who rated their marriages as a 7 or 8 on a 1-8 scale, with 8 being lousy, 78% rated it as a 1 or 2 5 years later. Things often do get better! Just because your marriage is in the toilet does not necessarily mean it's time to flush it.
2. Get some mentors
But what if you've been waiting and it's not improving? Surround yourself with a great Christian body. Find one or two great mentors or counselors to tell the whole story to who can give you wise counsel. I knew one woman who was sure her husband was being verbally abusive to their daughter. He wasn't. He was just stricter than she was (she didn't believe in limits). She needed someone outside to show her that.
At the same time, sometimes drastic action is necessary. Find a good Christian mentor to help you.
3. Get a hold of James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough.
Written for those whose spouses are having affairs, it's still a great book for many marital issues. When your spouse is doing something that endangers the marriage, the answer isn't to be a doormat. It's to change the dynamic in your relationship so your spouse feels the consequences of his actions!
Watch the video for the two heartbreaking emails, and if you have any good advice for those women, do leave a comment!
I'm packing for a 12-day Girls Night Out tour across Alberta, which I leave for tomorrow! If you happen to live in Alberta, do check us out! It's a fun evening of faith and fellowship, and I'd love to meet some of my blog readers!
But in the meantime, I'm inundated with laundry and suitcases, and so I can't really put a profound thought together in my head. And so I thought I'd just post some observations I have about life and things that I don't understand, and see if you can enlighten me!
1. Why do Catholic schools insist that girls wear kilts?
I asked this on my Facebook Page last night after driving by a Catholic high school yesterday when school let out. I saw at least fifty teenage girls in kilts, and none of them, and I mean none of them, came more than 3 inches below the underwear line. I'm pretty sure I could see some panties there. Now I know this school has a rule that the kilt has to be a certain length, but that rule is obviously not being obeyed. Why not switch to pants? You may want to encourage femininity, but this is going a little far. So I don't get that. I really don't. (Plus it's so COLD in winter!)
2. Why doesn't America just drill for oil?
Sorry for getting political, but this is something we Canadians don't understand about you Americans. We extract our oil--in Newfoundland, in the Arctic, in Alberta. We're your biggest oil supplier, I believe. But instead of drilling for your own, you put your nation at risk because of all the Middle East turmoil. Sorry, but I don't get it. And we all know American oil would be drilled in a more environmentally friendly manner than Nigeria or Venezuela or even Saudi Arabia drills it, so overall American oil would help the environment, not hurt it, if we stopped relying on these terrible states for oil. So I don't understand that one.
3. How can parents walk away from their kids?
I guess this one should be its own blog post, but I've been watching as formerly completely involved dads (and in one case, a mom) has stepped completely back from parenting after a marriage split. My own dad walked out and barely had anything to do with me (though he did send money). I just don't understand how a parent could WANT to live without a child. I like to think that if my husband and I split (not that we would), I would fight for every second with them. How come some parents don't?
4. Why do irresponsible people get so much from the state?
I'm quite close to a number of foster parents, and hearing how much the Children's Aid Society tries to keep families together--how much money they pay families, how much stuff they buy for families (even hiring maids to clean the house), just so that the kids don't need to be removed. Why is it that women who have 5 children by 5 different fathers, and don't feed the kids, and live off of welfare, can get a ton of stuff from the state, while married parents, where one parent stays at home, who survive on one low income by scrimping and saving, don't get the state paying for maids, or for cribs, or for clothes, or for transportation, let alone medical & dental. There's something wrong when people who play by the rules are penalized for doing so, so that there is no incentive to do what's right.
5. Why can't I always feel God?
Again, this one should probably be its own blog post, but I'm in one of those crazy periods in my life where I'm busy, and I desperately need His peace and strength, and I'm not feeling it. It's my own fault; I've let busy-ness crowd out too much of my quiet time. But I pray that sometime today I could hear that still, small voice again and feel strengthened, because I'm tired.
Those are some of the things I wonder about, in no particular order. Anyone have any answers for me?
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Are you part of our six week challenge? We're into week two now when we're committing to loving our husbands more and meeting their needs--to see what happens! Often we're so engrossed in him not meeting our needs that we forget to reach out to them. And when we do, we'll find our whole marriage is transformed!
Here are the things I've encouraged you to do:
1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time) 2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whatever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get. 3. Do not nag. 4. Do not give the silent treatment. 5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).
Now, I want to talk about how to make sure that we feel even closer to our husbands, so that we're more likely to want to do these things (and more likely to have a great relationship). Let's face it: with today's busy lifestyles, it's all too easy for spouses to live very different lives. He's busy at work where he has a bunch of friends, a bunch of responsibilities, and you know very little about this. You're home with the kids where you do all kinds of things he knows nothing about. When you're together, you're often so busy you don't really share what happened in your day.
That's how marriages grow apart, without us even realizing it.
A few years ago a woman I knew went through a devastating separation. Out of the blue, her husband announced that he was leaving her and their children for another woman. Their marriage has lasted through many awful things, including a bout with cancer (she's now fine). He has been in praise teams and has led worship.
And now he's gone and done this.
My heart broke for his family.
Are there ways to reduce the chance of this happening and create a happier marriage? Yep. That doesn't mean that she is to blame for what happened; that if she had done x and y he wouldn't have left. If a man has an affair, it is his choice. It is his sin. Period. End of story.
But I want us wives to be aware of the dangers, and see how we can take steps so that we may see the early warning signs earlier.
First, affairs tend to happen when men live two lives; when their work lives are completely separate from their home lives. Sometimes, even psychologically, they feel as if they are leaving one world and entering another, where the rules from the first world of church and family don't apply.
So it's important, as much as possible, to become part of his work world. When it's barbecueing season, for example, that's a perfect opportunity to get to know his workmates. Why not have a barbecue some Sunday afternoon for those he works for?
Every now and then, stop by and take your husband to lunch. This lets you drop in where he works, so everybody sees you. Say hi, especially to the women, and get to know personal details about that them. I don't mean pry; I just mean be a friend. Make an honest effort to care about the people that he spends time with. Get to know their wives, and try to do things socially together, especially if they're not Christian. It's a good opportunity for outreach, and it helps you to become part of his world.
If he has a secretary, or a receptionist that usually answers the phone, get to know her on a personal level. Ask about her life so you can chat when you call your husband at work. Don't be a stranger.
If he works entirely in a male environment, every now and then send some baking to work with him. It sounds corny, but it keeps the guys there thinking about you and thinking that he is a lucky man. Find out when the guys' birthdays are and send cakes for each birthday. You'll become known as the birthday lady, and everybody will love you.
Find out who he is especially close with, and double date with that man and his wife. Do things socially together, and you become part of the work environment.
It's also a good idea to talk to your husband about boundaries. For instance, is it okay for him to go to lunch alone with a female coworker? If you don't think it is, you need to make this clear before anything starts.
The main thing, though, is to become a part of his world. If people start to think of him as "married", and not just married, but "happily married", that will stick. He's more likely to talk about you at work if other people know you. If they are more likely to ask how you're doing, then he's more likely to think about you during the workday, too. I don't mean that you should call all the time, or start pestering anybody. All I mean is that you should treat his coworkers with respect and friendship, and they will likely appreciate that.
All of these things may sound like a lot of work, but I don't think they are. And as you reach out, you become a real person to the people your husband works with. That way he can no longer easily separate his worklife from his homelife. And if his coworkers like you, he's less likely to develop a relationship at work. Besides, if anything were to start, his coworkers are also more likely to yell at him for it!
Often we talk about setting boundaries in marriage, but this is one area where I think too many boundaries are dangerous. Neither of you should live a life completely cordoned off from the other. You should both be able to step comfortably into each other's world. When you do that, you lessen the chance that either of you will develop inappropriate friendships.
What do you think? Do you know the people your husband works with? Does he know the people you hang out with? Or do you live separate lives?
If you liked this post, you'll love Sheila's audio download: "Protect Your Marriage". We all want strong marriages, but if we don't tend them and protect them, outside influences can easily steal our joy and intimacy.Download it now!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Last week I wrote a rather strongly worded post about how the reason that some men may not meet our needs is because we're not really considering theirs, either. And I encouraged you to take a six week trial period where you honestly did these things:
1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time) 2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whatever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get. 3. Do not nag. 4. Do not give the silent treatment. 5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).
I hope some of you took me up on it!
Today I want to address one of the roadblocks to meeting his needs: lack of forgiveness. It's hard to act out in love and to be nice to someone you're ultimately angry at. So what do you do when he's hurt you?
I received this letter recently:
There have been things that have happened in the marriage that have caused me to not trust my husband. He has apologized and admitted he was wrong but I can't let go and forgive. I want to. And I know that once I can release this anger and fully forgive we can be happy. How do I do this?
Do you ever feel that way? In marriage we have a lot to forgive on a daily basis. A while ago I cut my finger quite badly. I paged Keith, who was on his way home, and he said he'd look at it (he's a doctor). But when he got home he checked on our sump pump connection at the side of the house before coming indoors to check on me! I was livid.
I did need stitches. And it was hard letting him off the hook! It's such a little thing, but still. He delayed twenty minutes, and that was twenty more minutes I had to wait to go to the hospital.
But what if it's something bigger than that? What if it's an affair, or gambling, or pornography? Then how do you forgive?
Here's what I told this woman:
First, you have to be sure in your mind that the offense is truly in the past. For instance, if he had an affair, are you sure that this is not going on now? Has he demonstrated that he is committed to not doing it again? If not, then this is the issue that needs to be dealt with first if his infraction was something that could damage the marriage (like affairs, pornography use, or other addictions).
If, however, he has shown that he is sorry and has tried to show you that he won't do it again, the ball is now in your court. So let me say a few things about forgiveness.
Remember that no matter what he did in the past, he can't make up for it now. There is no way for him to erase what happened. If you continue to hold it against him, it is like you are asking him to make up for it. You're asking for the impossible. At some point you have to realize that what is past is past, and you can't change it. You can't ask him to change it. It just is.
If you keep your anger towards him, you end up punishing both of you. It is impossible to function as a unit and to have an intimate relationship if you are harbouring resentment for him.
So what do you want from your marriage? Do you want someone you can love and cherish who cherishes you back? Do you long to feel loved and unconditionally accepted? Then you need to work on achieving that in your marriage, and that means letting this go. You will never get what you want and yearn for if you stay angry.
Of course, it may not be fair that you forgive. Forgiveness never is fair. That's not the point. It is not that forgiveness is fair; it is that it is freeing. It frees both of you. He doesn't have to make up for the past, and you don't have to stay angry. You can both concentrate on the here and now and learn to love one another again.
Finally, if you're finding it hard to forgive, remember that someone has already paid the price. God already paid the price for all the rotten stuff that people do when Jesus died on the cross. If God's already paid for it, then someone has been punished. It wasn't your husband, but someone has paid. So your husband doesn't have to. Jesus also paid for all the stuff you've done. He did it so that you could have a relationship with God without being hindered by all the sin and ugly stuff in our lives.
So if you ask God to help you understand how He has forgiven you, maybe you will also be able to extend that forgiveness to your husband.
I know that takes time. When an affair has taken place, for instance, you can't just rush in and pretend like it didn't happen. You have to rebuild trust, and that can take a while. I have a friend whose husband had an affair, and she moved out for a year. They went to counseling, they went on a retreat, and only then did she feel like she could trust him again. But they did rebuild, and today they're rock solid.
The problem is that just "moving back in" doesn't mean that you've forgiven. It has to be a heart thing. And that means that you have to promise yourself that when you get angry again, you won't think about it. If you've chosen to forgive, and then you get angry, it isn't his problem anymore. It's yours. He's not the one who has done something wrong; it's now you.
So when you're struggling to rebuild, and you feel yourself getting angry, pray instead. Sing instead. Do anything to stop thinking about it! Don't let yourself plot revenge, or brood, or even talk a ton to your friends about how you're feeling. Take it to God and don't entertain it. The more you let yourself think about it, the more you'll stay angry.
Once he has shown he's repentant and he isn't doing it anymore, and once you've decided that you want to rebuild the relationship and move forward, you have to then give up your right to be angry and pull out that infraction everytime he does something wrong in the future. It needs to stay behind you. I'd even recommend you each writing letters to each other: he promises not to do it again, and you promise that you won't bring it up again or harbour resentment about it. Then, if you do start yelling at him about it, he can pull out that letter and confront you. And if he slips back into a negative pattern, you can pull out yours.
Instead of thinking about all the bad things he's done, spend that emotional energy rebuilding your friendship. Do stuff together. Exercise together. Play a game together. Cook together. It's hard to stay angry with someone with whom you're building memories with.
Need to forgive? Take those steps. And then keep working through our six week challenge! You'll find at the end you have a whole different marriage.
Finally, here's a clip of an appearance I did on 100 Huntley Street once talking about the issue of forgiveness:
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
I know that's an inflammatory post title, but it seems that today we bad-mouth men everywhere we can. They're pathetic with the kids. They can't cook. They can't look after a household on their own. They're selfish. They're overgrown kids. They run around on their wives. They can't be trusted.
All of that, in a row, sounds ridiculous. But how many TV shows do you watch that forward at least one of those stereotypes? We live in a society that things women are saints and men are sub-par.
I think this does women a great disservice, too, because we become overly critical of men. We're always hearing how guys shouldn't do this and shouldn't do that and how pathetic they are that it becomes difficult to accept who our husbands are. We can always find fault.
I was reminded of this when I read this article recently titled, "I realized my husband was of no added value." Dr. Helen is talking about the phenomenon of older, middle aged women ditching their husbands in search of something better--and largely not finding it. I think she's right. When I think of the marriages that I know that have broken up recently, by and large it is the woman who has left (now, in several of those cases she was completely justified, but in others it seems like devastation is all that it wrought).
She concludes:
Everywhere you turn, it seems that some women's magazine, Suze Orman or some other cheerleader for the divorced (including the Atlantic magazine article mentioned in the essay) is telling women to throw in the towel and get rid of that guy. Women are told to be unhappy with everything about men. It's no wonder they are walking away from their marriages. The article says that women claim they don't regret it. Maybe they won't. But given the male shortage, especially for older men, I think the guys will be just fine.
What women often don't factor in is that being married is actually a nice thing. Sure, he may leave dirty socks all over the place. Sure, he may not talk about your feelings. Sure, he may watch football all Sunday afternoon. But isn't that still better than being alone?
My best friend didn't marry until she was 30. For most of her 20s, she assumed she'd be single her whole life. Now she didn't marry the most sensitive man in the world, but she knows what it's like to want to be with someone and to not have anybody. And she'll stick with this marriage forever, perfect or not, because being married is wonderful, even if he aggravates you sometimes.
Of course, if he's being verbally abusive or having an affair, it's not nice. And being married to someone who demeans you or ignores you is one of the loneliest things in the world. But I still think that many women say their husbands are verbally abusive, or emotionally handicapped, when they're just trying to justify leaving.
Being married means you have someone to discuss things with. The decisions are not all on your shoulders.
Being married means you have someone who knows you and knows everything about you.
Being married means you have a father for your children. That gives incredible benefits to your kids, but it also means that you have more money for them.
Being married means you're not fighting over custody at Christmas and birthdays and vacations. You are with your children all the time, so you always know what is going on in their lives. As soon as you divorce, you don't just leave your husband. You leave pieces of your children's lives that you will never know anymore or have any control over, because they are going to your "ex". I think women underestimate how traumatic this is for both them and the kids.
Being married means you have an extra pair of hands to do the things you don't know how to do--even if he rarely does housework!
Being married means you're not lonely. Being married means it's much easier to form friendships with other couples and do things together with others. You're part of a group, and ironically, the married tend to have more friends.
Being married means you have a sexual partner. And even if you're tired of him wanting it all the time now, you'd miss that aspect of your life if it were gone!
Being married means you have someone to care for you when you get sick. I think we underestimate, too, the necessity of a partner as we age. It's easy to ditch someone when you're 38. But no one wants to be alone at 68 or 78.
Being married means you will grow in character. You will learn compromise, and love, and kindness, and forgiveness, and perseverance. It is not that those who are single can't learn these; it's just that in marriage, we are given unique opportunities to learn these. And marriage changes us for the better.
Few who leave their spouses actually end up with a better life. They often just end up with a more complicated life. Even if you have grounds to leave, it doesn't mean you have to. Some of the most successful marriages I've seen are those that have healed after a major rift. God can do amazing things. And leaving is no piece of cake.
I was speaking with a pastor last year who was determined to do a series every year, for at least a month, on marriage. Week after week he was having women come into his office telling him they were leaving their husbands--even though no abuse or affair was occurring. They would detail a litany of complaints of how awful their husbands were, even though these amounted to little more than the fact that he didn't talk very much and he never did any housework. And he would remind these women that they made commitments before God. But that didn't work, because they would say that the men broke the commitment because they didn't know how to love.
I wonder what those men would say about the women's ability to love? Tomorrow I'm going to give an extremely important Wifey Wednesday to talk about how to deal with a man who won't share his feelings or help, and put that problem in perspective.
But today, I'd encourage you to count your blessings if you're married, even if that marriage is tough at times. I want to leave you with a clip from "Shall We Dance", that sums it up well:
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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