But a lot of us don't. For many of us, the most fundamental relationships, those with our parents, are broken. And that's wrong. We can feel it in the very fibre of our being. A mom is supposed to love her kids. A dad is supposed to be there and protect them. And maybe your parents didn't.
I spoke at retreats that last two weekends, and one of the stories I tell is of learning how to forgive the dad who left me when I was two, to only have a very sporadic relationship with me afterwards. For most of my teenage years I was really bothered by this, but I'm not in the least anymore, because God has worked a real healing in me.
Some of that you could call forgiveness. In this recent post we got into a bit of a debate as to what forgiveness really is; can you have forgiveness if the other person hasn't repented? I think you can, but I think it depends on the definition, and so that's what I want to talk about here. And maybe a better word than forgiveness is "freedom". When we talk about forgiveness we get all caught up in what we're forgiving and in what spiritually that means, but freedom we tend to understand. Jesus came to set us free, and He wants us to live in freedom. So how do you find freedom if you're haunted by bad relationships?
After sharing at one of these retreats, a university-aged girl came up to me to talk about her dad. Her story was similar to mine, she said, and what she just wants, more than anything, is for her dad to acknowledge that he messed up and hurt her. Yet he never seems to do that. Instead, he's active in his church and preaches about how to be a good father (he has a second family now). And all the while he's never really reconciled with his daughter.
Can she find freedom?
I think she can, and I think it comes in this form: giving up your expectations that he will one day realize that he was a jerk. Giving up on the idea that one day he will actually apologize.
Should he apologize? Absolutely. But the fact is that most parents who messed up never see that they did, indeed, mess up. They've built this whole fantasy inside their heads about how they did the best they could, and everything that went wrong is someone else's fault. I have a friend who was abused by her mother, and her mother still won't admit it. It was always because someone else was cruel to her. And her kids never understood her.
People can be so cruel to their kids, and sometimes we feel like the hurt would be made better if they could just acknowledge that hurt. If they just saw it, it would be like they were validating us as people, and confirming that our feelings matter. Our view of the world is indeed correct; they did mess up, we were hurt, and we are not wrong for thinking so. It's validating our personhood.
Is it the right thing to do? Yep. Is it going to happen? Most likely not, short of a miracle of God. People have this whole self-preservation system that often prevents them from seeing their own guilt. We can justify anything. And it's quite likely they will continue to justify it, all the way to their graves.
So what do you do? I told this girl she had to let go of the dream that one day he would apologize. It's not a question of whether or not he should; the problem is that as long as that dream is alive, then whenever she sees him she hopes that today will be the day. Her stomach is in knots. She gets a headache. She wants it so badly. And when it doesn't happen she gets angry all over again, as though he has hurt her all over again.
If she were to let it go, though, and just realize that he is a very imperfect person, and that he was not the father he should have been and that he never will be, then she can renegotiate a new relationship with him. Maybe she can get to the point where, as an adult, they can enjoy the occasional dinner together, or talk on the phone sometimes, and that's as far as it goes. Her emotional energy won't be drained by these small encounters; they can just be part of her life, and that's fine.
That's where I'm at now in my relationship with my dad. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. And we chat occasionally, and that's fine. And I got to that place because I let go; I said, "God, I want you to be my Father, not him, because you are the only person who can ever love me perfectly." And I looked to God for my affirmation.
Some may call that forgiveness; I don't want to put a label on it because then we get into the whole debate about repentance and reconciliation. The point, to me, is that by freeing him from the expectation that he will one day apologize, I freed myself from all the tension around our relationship.
Does that mean we have a close relationship? Nope. For that to happen, he would have to acknowledge what he did, because real intimacy isn't possible if it's based on lies. But we can find a type of relating that works for us, even if it's not what it should be.
And I don't have stomach pains anymore. I don't cry anymore. I don't really care anymore. God has given me so much more today, and I don't need my dad. Occasionally I grieve for the little girl I was who deserved more, but not very often. I am the person I am today because of the things that happened to me, and I'm quite happy with who God has made me to be. So I just accept my dad as part of my story, and decide that God will be the one who will fill the holes that my father left.
It is hard to release people of expectations, but when you do that, you really free yourself. You realize that you will never get the emotional affirmation that you need from them, and so you turn to God instead. And then you end the tension that surrounds that relationship.
Have you ever experienced this? Or are you still trying to let go of expectations? Tell me about it!
Recently we received a ticket in the mail from the Toronto Parking Authority. It seems we parked one evening at midnight in a no-parking zone, and we owed them $40. There was just one minor detail they overlooked. It wasn’t us. Sure, that was our license plate on the ticket, but we were nowhere near Toronto that night. My husband was working in the Emergency Room, and I was home with the kids two hundred kilometres away. No problem, I thought. I’ll just clear this all up.
That was easier said than done. There was no email address on the ticket, just a regular phone number (not even toll free) to phone during business hours. The only other way to deal with it was to go in person. So I phoned. It was busy. I tried for three days. And then, miraculously, I got an answer. “You are number 24 in line. Your wait will likely be 38 minutes.” So I waited. And waited. Number 17. Number 8. Number 3. And finally, number 1. And as I was being transferred, I heard—a busy signal. I had been disconnected.
In desperation, I called some traffic ticket specialists, figuring they could help me. They told me that if I didn’t pay the ticket on time, the authorities would double the fine, and it would cost me more than $40 to fight it. I could take them to small claims court, they explained, but again, it would cost me more than the price of the ticket. I may as well just pay it. “But it wasn’t me!” I told her. “It’s the principle of the thing!” She told me she understood, but there was nothing I could do.
How could the government just do this to me? I was really steamed. I told everyone my story, and actually found other people who had received similar tickets. “What did you do?” I asked. “We paid.” they said. “We could never get through on that phone number.”
So after a week of worrying about this, doing little else, I finally realized there was no point. Sometimes you just have to let it go.
A lot of life is like that. We choose to hold on to our grudges, because it’s the principle of the thing. Bitterness, though, doesn’t pay very good dividends. Someone once said that anger is like a poison that you take yourself. It doesn’t do anything to the person you’re angry at, but it hurts you. You go through life always testing, always suspicious, and never at peace.
Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s a lot better than driving yourself nuts. I could have fought that ticket on principle, but it would have cost me more. Bitterness often costs us more than forgiving would, even if forgiving doesn’t seem fair. Forgiveness, of course, doesn’t mean that we ignore problems or subject ourselves or our kids to harm. It just means that we choose not to let those problems consume so much of our emotional energy. We let the anger go so we can enjoy the rest of life. Dwelling on such problems and seeking revenge, even if only in your head, only hurts you. You spend your life with such negativity that you don’t even notice to see the good around you.
I know someone whose wife left him for someone else. It wasn’t a pretty situation. It certainly wasn’t fair. This man, though, now uses his kids to get back at her. He won’t buy them clothes, school supplies, or toys. He tries to minimize his child support payments as much as possible so she has very little money to live on so that she can’t spend on herself. He’s punishing her, he thinks, but really he’s hurting his kids and himself in the process. He’s losing out on his relationship with his children because he’s still so hurt over her.
She did betray him. She did hurt him. But sometimes you have to let it go. It isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always pretty. Chances are, though, that life will be much easier on the other side. The principle of the thing isn’t always worth it. People are. Sometimes that’s hard to swallow, but it’s the best medicine there is.
After finishing this column, I gave that phone number one last try. To my amazement I got through, and they cancelled the ticket immediately. It felt great, but not nearly as wonderful as giving up that anger in the first place.
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It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Last week I wrote a rather strongly worded post about how the reason that some men may not meet our needs is because we're not really considering theirs, either. And I encouraged you to take a six week trial period where you honestly did these things:
1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time) 2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whatever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get. 3. Do not nag. 4. Do not give the silent treatment. 5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).
I hope some of you took me up on it!
Today I want to address one of the roadblocks to meeting his needs: lack of forgiveness. It's hard to act out in love and to be nice to someone you're ultimately angry at. So what do you do when he's hurt you?
I received this letter recently:
There have been things that have happened in the marriage that have caused me to not trust my husband. He has apologized and admitted he was wrong but I can't let go and forgive. I want to. And I know that once I can release this anger and fully forgive we can be happy. How do I do this?
Do you ever feel that way? In marriage we have a lot to forgive on a daily basis. A while ago I cut my finger quite badly. I paged Keith, who was on his way home, and he said he'd look at it (he's a doctor). But when he got home he checked on our sump pump connection at the side of the house before coming indoors to check on me! I was livid.
I did need stitches. And it was hard letting him off the hook! It's such a little thing, but still. He delayed twenty minutes, and that was twenty more minutes I had to wait to go to the hospital.
But what if it's something bigger than that? What if it's an affair, or gambling, or pornography? Then how do you forgive?
Here's what I told this woman:
First, you have to be sure in your mind that the offense is truly in the past. For instance, if he had an affair, are you sure that this is not going on now? Has he demonstrated that he is committed to not doing it again? If not, then this is the issue that needs to be dealt with first if his infraction was something that could damage the marriage (like affairs, pornography use, or other addictions).
If, however, he has shown that he is sorry and has tried to show you that he won't do it again, the ball is now in your court. So let me say a few things about forgiveness.
Remember that no matter what he did in the past, he can't make up for it now. There is no way for him to erase what happened. If you continue to hold it against him, it is like you are asking him to make up for it. You're asking for the impossible. At some point you have to realize that what is past is past, and you can't change it. You can't ask him to change it. It just is.
If you keep your anger towards him, you end up punishing both of you. It is impossible to function as a unit and to have an intimate relationship if you are harbouring resentment for him.
So what do you want from your marriage? Do you want someone you can love and cherish who cherishes you back? Do you long to feel loved and unconditionally accepted? Then you need to work on achieving that in your marriage, and that means letting this go. You will never get what you want and yearn for if you stay angry.
Of course, it may not be fair that you forgive. Forgiveness never is fair. That's not the point. It is not that forgiveness is fair; it is that it is freeing. It frees both of you. He doesn't have to make up for the past, and you don't have to stay angry. You can both concentrate on the here and now and learn to love one another again.
Finally, if you're finding it hard to forgive, remember that someone has already paid the price. God already paid the price for all the rotten stuff that people do when Jesus died on the cross. If God's already paid for it, then someone has been punished. It wasn't your husband, but someone has paid. So your husband doesn't have to. Jesus also paid for all the stuff you've done. He did it so that you could have a relationship with God without being hindered by all the sin and ugly stuff in our lives.
So if you ask God to help you understand how He has forgiven you, maybe you will also be able to extend that forgiveness to your husband.
I know that takes time. When an affair has taken place, for instance, you can't just rush in and pretend like it didn't happen. You have to rebuild trust, and that can take a while. I have a friend whose husband had an affair, and she moved out for a year. They went to counseling, they went on a retreat, and only then did she feel like she could trust him again. But they did rebuild, and today they're rock solid.
The problem is that just "moving back in" doesn't mean that you've forgiven. It has to be a heart thing. And that means that you have to promise yourself that when you get angry again, you won't think about it. If you've chosen to forgive, and then you get angry, it isn't his problem anymore. It's yours. He's not the one who has done something wrong; it's now you.
So when you're struggling to rebuild, and you feel yourself getting angry, pray instead. Sing instead. Do anything to stop thinking about it! Don't let yourself plot revenge, or brood, or even talk a ton to your friends about how you're feeling. Take it to God and don't entertain it. The more you let yourself think about it, the more you'll stay angry.
Once he has shown he's repentant and he isn't doing it anymore, and once you've decided that you want to rebuild the relationship and move forward, you have to then give up your right to be angry and pull out that infraction everytime he does something wrong in the future. It needs to stay behind you. I'd even recommend you each writing letters to each other: he promises not to do it again, and you promise that you won't bring it up again or harbour resentment about it. Then, if you do start yelling at him about it, he can pull out that letter and confront you. And if he slips back into a negative pattern, you can pull out yours.
Instead of thinking about all the bad things he's done, spend that emotional energy rebuilding your friendship. Do stuff together. Exercise together. Play a game together. Cook together. It's hard to stay angry with someone with whom you're building memories with.
Need to forgive? Take those steps. And then keep working through our six week challenge! You'll find at the end you have a whole different marriage.
Finally, here's a clip of an appearance I did on 100 Huntley Street once talking about the issue of forgiveness:
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Usually on these Wifey Wednesday posts I talk about what to do with a problem you're having with your spouse--what to do when you find something he does difficult, or insulting, or disrespectful. Or we look at ways to boost your marriage in general!
Today I want to turn the tables. I've received some emails from women saying, "how do I save my marriage when I'm the one who made a mistake? What do I do when I'm the one who had an affair, and he wants to end our marriage, and I really don't? Then what do I do?"
These women felt such remorse, and such pain, and I know they are not alone. And so I'd like to address that other side: can you save your marriage when you are the one who messed up?
First, if you've done something as big as an affair, I think you both need to talk to an outside party that can help you work through it. Counseling is a great idea. If he agrees, but doesn't seem to be taking the initiative to find a counselor himself, choose someone (perhaps a male to make your hubby feel more comfortable), and make the appoitnment yourself. Tell him, “Mr. so and so seems like he’d really gel with you, so is it okay if I contact him? If we don’t like him we can find somebody else.” Show him that you're taking this seriously.
Often when there's an affair, a relationship has a lot of longstanding issues, and you probably had things that you were upset at your husband for originally. He probably has not behaved perfectly, either. It's important, though, that when you go to counseling, you don't try to justify yourself or try to solve all of these problems. Stick to the issue at hand: moving forward after an affair. If you try to bring up too many of these other things, it makes it seem as if you don't take seriously the wrong that you did do.
You need to show him that you agree that he has a reason to be angry--regardless of whether or not you have reason to be angry, too. So in the midst of this turmoil, try some simple acts of kindness. Show him love. Don’t try to defend yourself. Acknowledge what he’s feeling. If he doesn’t want to talk, don’t make him. Give him a bit of space.
If, during this time, you're separated because he has moved out, encourage him to keep seeing the children. If you can, suggest that you do things with the children together, and again, if he says things that hurt, let him. He needs to deal with that, and if you show him that you love him anyway, it puts you on firmer footing.
Be aware, though, that counseling does not always solve everything, because what it does tend to do is rehash everything that’s happened, and sometimes it makes you feel worse before it gets better. Often retreats, where you go away for a weekend or a whole week, are better, because they’re aiming for resolution in a bit of a shorter time. It doesn’t always work, but having that deadline is useful because you feel as if you’re working towards something more than just talking about everything that’s wrong. You’re working towards rebuilding.
If you can’t do a retreat or a weeklong get away, then find a counsellor who will see you for a defined number of sessions—say 8—with the goal of bringing resolution and forgiveness on both sides. That way you know you’re not just going to go over the same things over and over again, or bring up every little thing that’s ever gone wrong. If you find at the end of 8 that you need more, that’s fine, but see it as something with an endpoint.
Then I would keep telling your husband that you want to stay with him, that you want to build your life with him, that you can’t imagine not being a family. I’m sure he feels the same way about your children, and having shared custody is no picnic. You’re tied to each other until they're adults, anyway. You may as well try to work it out. It actually is a lot easier to work out a marriage than it is to work out custody! You can even joke about that, if he’ll take it. But tell him what you enjoy.
Usually when a crisis happens in a marriage, it's because somewhere along the way you forgot how to have fun together and how to date each other. You stopped being romantic and started being roommates. If he’ll take it from you, I’d write him a letter and ask to begin again. Ask him out on a date. Take him to dinner, if he’ll go. See a movie. Play mini-golf. Ask him if he can try just to have fun with you once a week for the next little while, to remember why you’re together in the first place. Sometimes, when we’re recovering from things like this, it all seems so serious that we can’t have fun, and yet it’s fun that is going to bring you back together. So having fun, in conjunction with some defined counselling, may fit the bill.
I hope that helps! And know that no matter what happens, God does forgive you. But I don’t think you’ll ever forgive yourself if you don’t put everything you can into saving your marriage, so hang in there, don’t give up, even if he does, and try to show him that you want to start over.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to ask for forgiveness? Have you walked this road, or had a friend who walked this road? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
If you can't forgive your husband for something that he's done, your marriage will never thrive. It will slowly disintegrate. Forgiveness is THE issue in marriage.
I know when I was first married I had lots to forgive (as did my husband). We hurt each other over the first few years, because we were both focused on getting our own needs met, and not on how to give to each other. When we were both able to put the other first, things got so much better.
It's been a while since I've uploaded a new video, so here's one from an appearance on 100 Huntley Street Full Circle where the girls on the couch are all talking marriage and forgiveness. Hope you enjoy it!
And don't forget that it's only 6 days away from my Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight party! Don't miss it! We're going to have prizes, a Twitter party, a Facebook party (the page is here, or just search for "Sheila Wray Gregoire's Books" in Facebook), a teleseminar, and more! Great prizes for a blog scavenger hunt, too! Find out more here.
Okay, ladies. This week for Wifey Wednesday I'd like to share with you something that I wrote last year about what we women are looking for at Christmas. It's not advice for you; it's more advice for your hubby.
But it's one of my favourite things that I've written, and I think you'll enjoy it. And then you can share it with him! Here you go:
Right now, many men are obsessed with that age old question: “how can I earn major brownie points this Christmas?” Well, if you want to find the road to Christmas success, it’s always advisable to follow those who have blazed the trail before you. And who better than those we now call “The Three Wise Men”, all because they impressed an important woman that long ago Christmas.
What did they do that was so wise? First, they brought gifts. No matter what your wife says, a package under the tree is non-negotiable. But not just any package. I heard the woeful tale of one husband who bought his wife a scale. As my husband said, that level of stupidity doesn’t come naturally. You have to practice.
The gift, then, must be good. The Wise Men came bearing gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I’m sure Mary greatly appreciated those things. I’m equally sure she and Joseph promptly sold them to pay for their flight to Egypt, thus ushering in that other sacred Christmas tradition of returning gifts for the cash.
The Wise Men’s gifts, though, did show great forethought. But the wise men remembered that first rule of Christmas gift-giving: under no circumstances should you buy her something you think she needs. First, you’re probably wrong; and second, even if she needs it you’re bound to buy the wrong one. If she needs it, make a date to go buy it together on Boxing Day. Don’t make it a gift. The Wise Men, after all, didn’t bring diapers and Vaseline, though those would have been useful. They brought something symbolic of who Jesus was to them. So think romance, not necessity. Think meaningful, not useful in the laundry room. It’s the wise way.
The Wise Men, however, were not merely gift toters. They also were wise because they were on the look out for danger, avoiding the homicidal King Herod and protecting Mary and Jesus in the process. This may not be a very women’s lib type thing to say, but I think “protecting your brood” comes right after “it’s the man’s job to kill the bugs” in the official marriage rule book.
Now, men must understand that many dangers in a woman’s life are of her own making. Women naturally expand to fill the void—and no, I’m not referring to the lady who required that scale. If there is work to be done, and no one to do it, women naturally step in. That is why we are chronically exhausted and grumpy. Men can protect women by helping us do some of that work, and by gently helping us see when we’re getting out of control. Remember, though, that the preferred method of conveying such nuggets of wisdom is to do so while handing us chocolate truffles and running that bubble bath.
Finally, the wise men knew that sometimes you have to take a journey to find something truly important. I don’t mean heading down to Home Depot to get the latest power tool; I mean going places you wouldn’t normally venture. Maybe you need to take a journey this Christmas season; a journey back to that place in your heart where you first fell in love. Maybe you need to journey to church, to a marriage counselor, to more of your children’s pageants. Maybe you need to journey to a place of forgiveness. Maybe you need to take a journey to a place where you can be free to say “I love you”, “I cherish you”, “I need you”, or to find an answer to the question, “what am I here for?”. Seek out that which is important this season. It is there to be found, and it is a wise man indeed who does not pass it by.
I used this column as the basis for a talk I gave last Sunday night, and I think it went well. We are to be wise at Christmas, and that means we all have to take a journey, and not just the men. Where are you journeying to? Can you see Jesus anew and learn how to forgive your husband? Can you develop a renewed love for your family? Whatever it is, don't be afraid to go there. Don't think you don't have the time. You do. It's the wise thing!
Do you have a major problem in your life? Something that you just can't seem to shake?
Maybe it's somebody you need to forgive. Maybe it's dealing with stuff from your childhood. Maybe it's adjusting to marriage and the seflishness that you're both showing! Maybe it's dealing with difficult in-laws.
We all have rough stuff in our lives. The question is what we do with it.
When I was a teenager my big struggle was with forgiving my father for leaving us. I prayed over that a lot, and read tons of books on healing. Some told me to write a letter and burn it. So I did. Others told me to write a letter and bury it. So I did. Others said I should send it. So I did.
And all the while, I was asking, "Have I forgiven him?". And everytime there was an altar call I came forward out of conviction that I hadn't forgiven him yet. I would think I had, and then it would come back!
It got really bad when my children were born, because it brought up a lot of resentment and hurt. And whenever Dad would visit (which was extremely rarely) I would have stomachaches for weeks before. It was not a pretty picture.
And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
Then a few years went by when I didn't see him. We moved to another town and I was busy setting up my house. I went to a women's Bible study and I delved into studying the Bible. I started teaching. I started writing.
And one day Dad called to say he was dropping in for a few hours. And he did. And he left. And my stomach didn't hurt.
And I thought, how could that be? I wasn't praying about forgiving him at all! How could I be healed?
And then I realized, maybe that's why I'm not hurting anymore. Because I hadn't been praying about it. I had simply been praying. I had been focusing on God, not on my problems, and in the process God changed me on the inside. He became bigger; my problems became smaller.
I truly believe that is a spiritual truth: Whatever you focus on expands. So are you focusing on God, or on your hurts and problems?
Here's a video clip of me talking about this:
(It's part of the Extreme Makeover DVD I sell, which is also a component in my Retreat To Go package. The Retreat to Go has all the stuff you need to plan a great women's retreat, even if you can't afford to hire a speaker! Everything is already done for you, and you just watch the DVDs! You can find out more here.)
I recently received an email from a woman with a really tough question: what do you do when your husband, who is normally a responsible, wonderful man, does something stupid and now can't forgive himself?
In this case, and I think it's okay that I share, he had a DUI, which unfortunately all too many of us do. He doesn't normally drink, but this was an exceptional social circumstance which I won't get into, but which is understandable.
Now he's devastated. He wonders if he's a good dad. He wonders if he can continue to lead in many of the capacities that he has been leading. He's questioning himself in all aspects of his life. He just can't forgive himself.
When your husband is in a tailspin, what can you do to help? That's a tough one, isn't it? And I think it applies to many situations, and not just this one. What about when your husband is laid off, and now feels he can't care for the family? What if he is studying for a degree in something and then fails his final exam? In all of these cases he's doubting himself. He's mad at himself. And what can you do?
First, I think it's important to sort out our own feelings. Are you mad or bitter at him for what he did? If you are, don't try to stuff it inside. Admit it and deal with it. Find a way to forgive him. Wrestle in prayer. As much as possible, though, try to do this between God and yourself. Don't bring him into it if he's already beating himself up about it. (if he doesn't realize the severity of something he's done, that's another story). Then, when you think you're at the point where you think you have forgiven him, talk to him about it. Tell him you were disappointed or upset, but that you still love him and forgive him. He needs to hear that. He doesn't need to hear "oh, it doesn't matter", or "don't worry about it", because he knows that's not true. You need to be honest. So admit that you were angry, but that you know that what he's done is not the sum total of who he is. He is so much more than that, and you love the total package.
Now that you've dealt with yourself, how do you help him? One of the most important things for a husband is to feel like he is his wife's knight in shining armour. He wants to know that you admire him, that you think he can sweep you off your feet. That you are proud of him. That's why men react so poorly to any perceived failure in themselves. They feel like they are no longer a real man, a man who is worth admiring.
Ironically, we women can undermine men by trying to over-convince them that they are still wonderful. We can start treating them like children, trying to encourage them every moment, and coming up with new wonderful things to say about them. If a man already feels emasculated, and you start praising him constantly, he's going to feel like a basket case. You think he needs you, like he can't stand on his own. That's not what you're intending, but that's what's coming across. So I would say support him, be there for him to talk to, encourage him a little bit, but don't overdo it.
Then I would just suggest that you treat him like a man. If it's a question of losing his job, treat him as someone who still works. Make his lunch for him in the morning, and ask him what his plans are for the day and when he's going to be home. If you're the primary breadwinner now, and he's home with the kids, discuss your work arrangements, and ask his advice on how to spend money or save money. Don't take it on yourself. Ask for his input.
If he feels like he's no longer able to lead at church, talk to him as if he is. Ask him when he's going to call those youth he's been mentoring, or if he'd like to have that younger married couple over for dinner so you can help them out. Show him that you still have confidence in him, and treat him that way. I don't mean that we're callous; I just mean that if you express confidence in him, in a quiet way, he's likely to pick up on it. But if you decide that you're going to relieve him of stress in this rough time of his life, and you'll try to carry the family for a while in order to give him space to get over this disappointment, then ironically you can be making things worse. You're showing him you don't actually need him in the husband role, and that you can do it on your own. You're showing him he's not necessary. And that can make the whole thing worse.
It's often harder to forgive yourself than to forgive others, and men especially can beat themselves up. I think we as women help when we learn the difference between supporting and comforting. Men don't always want comfort; they do want support. And support means expressing confidence in them, while comfort often means encouraging them without any expectations. That can be the wrong thing to do.
If your husband has had a failure, don't let him wallow. Treat him like he's still your man. Ask for his advice. Pray for him. Keep your life as normal as possible; don't withdraw from all your church things, for instance. Show him that you still believe in him and think that you are incredibly lucky to be married to him.
And pray hard.
And I hope that helps! It's a tough place to be. I've been there many times when my husband has felt like he's messed up at work, or back when he was in school. He didn't want pity. He wanted someone to jumpstart his engines. And that someone was me. You can do that, too! So go to it!
Do you have any advice on marriage you want to share? Any help in this particular situation? Why not write a Wifey Wednesday blog post? You can copy this picture at the top of this post onto your own blog and then write something. Then come back here and fill in the Mr. Linky with the URL of your post! We'd love to visit you!
There have been things that have happened in the marriage that have caused me to not trust my husband. He has apologized and admitted he was wrong but i cant let go and forgive. I want to. And I know that once i can release this anger and fully forgive we can be happy. How do i do this?
Do you ever feel that way? In marriage we have a lot to forgive on a daily basis. Yesterday I cut my finger quite badly. I paged Keith, who was on his way home, and he said he'd look at it (he's a doctor). But when he got home he checked on our sump pump connection at the side of the house before coming indoors to check on me! I was livid.
I did need stitches, and I am in pain. But the hard part was letting him off the hook for that. It's such a little thing, but still.
But what if it's bigger? What if it's an affair, or gambling, or pornography? Then how do you forgive?
Here's what I told this woman:
First, you have to be sure in your mind that the offense is truly in the past. For instance, if he had an affair, are you sure that this is not going on now? Has he demonstrated that he is committed to not doing it again? If not, then this is the issue that needs to be dealt with first if his infraction was something that could damage the marriage (like affairs, pornography use, or other addictions).
If, however, he has shown that he is sorry and has tried to show you that he won't do it again, the ball is now in your court. So let me say a few things about forgiveness.
First, remember that no matter what he did in the past, he can't make up for it now. There is no way for him to erase what happened. If you continue to hold it against him, it is like you are asking him to make up for it. You're asking for the impossible. At some point you have to realize that what is past is past, and you can't change it. You can't ask him to change it. It just is.
Second , if you keep your anger towards him, you end up punishing both of you. It is impossible to function as a unit and to have an intimate relationship if you are harbouring resentment for him.
So what do you want from your marriage? Do you want someone you can love and cherish who cherishes you back? Do you long to feel loved and unconditionally accepted? Then you need to work on achieving that in your marriage, and that means letting this go. You will never get what you want and yearn for if you stay angry.
Of course, it may not be fair that you forgive. Forgiveness never is fair. That's not the point. It is not that forgiveness is fair; it is that it is freeing. It frees both of you. He doesn't have to make up for the past, and you don't have to stay angry. You can both concentrate on the here and now and learn to love one another again.
Finally, if you're finding it hard to forgive, remember that someone has already paid the price. I don't know if your religious or not, but I believe that God already paid the price for all the rotten stuff that people do when Jesus died on the cross. If he's already paid for it, then someone has been punished. It wasn't your husband, but someone has paid. So your husband doesn't have to. He also paid for all the stuff you've done. He did it so that you could have a relationship with God without being hindered by all the sin and ugly stuff in our lives.
So if you ask God to help you understand how He has forgiven you, maybe you will also be able to extend that forgiveness to your husband.
What would you have said? And don't forget, tomorrow's Wifey Wednesday! I'll be doing a post especially for marriage.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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