In pretty much every church I have ever gone to, I have always started off those first few years in a honeymoon phase: you look around and everybody looks so together, so Christian, so loving. Then, bit by bit, you hear whispers. So and so had an affair and the marriage is reeling. So and so moved out, but they don't want anyone to know yet. So and so has an alcohol problem.
In most of these cases, the vast majority of people don't know. It's all happening below the surface, below the smiling faces and the giggling but slightly dazed children and the pageants and the dresses.
And it makes me so sad, because it's hard to help people who don't want to ask for help. When you know a couple is struggling, and you want to help, how do you approach them when they haven't actually told you that they're struggling? That's impolite. Once we had a couple over for dinner that we know were having problems. They weren't admitting it, though, so we just started sharing about all of our problems. We told them how we had struggled when we had first married, hoping it might get a response, or a "oh, we do that, too". Nothing. We told them how lonely we felt in the marriage. Nothing. All we got was a "thanks for a great dinner," and a thank you card afterwards. They divorced a year later.
At the marriage conference Keith and I spoke at last month in Banff, one thing I urged all the couples to do was to find a mentor couple: a couple that was at least a few years older, with a solid marriage, with whom they could occasionally bounce things off of and talk things through and ask for prayer. They should look for a couple who knew how to keep things silent, and who were there just to help. Many couples said they were a little reluctant, because people might feel it was a burden. And here's what I told them:
Any mature couple in your church would be THRILLED to have someone ask them to mentor them; to have someone ask them to actually talk about real issues. Do you know how much we long to help with real issues, but those who obviously need help don't ask for it? I watch couples I know are struggling, and I pray for them, and I ask in an around-about way how things are going, or if they want to talk, and they smile and tell me no. I know that's not true. So if someone actually came to me and said, "We love each other, but we're really struggling with something. Could we confidentially just come over and talk to you and your husband?", I would jump up and down for joy!
And I would! But I find that the vast majority of people who are having problems won't ask for help.
Now, in many Christian circles I've heard this turned into a blame game. "Well, they can't ask for help because then people would judge them, because churches are so judgmental." That may have a kernel of truth, but I can tell you that in every church I've ever belonged to, there would be a lot more respect for a couple who asked for help than for one who one day just up and divorced with no warning. And most people, I think, are like me. They desperately want to help, not because they think they know everything, but because they know how hard marriage and parenting can be, and they don't want others to hit brick walls. They want to see families thrive.
So I think the whole "people are judgmental so I can't share anything" is a cop out. I'm talking about finding ONE couple, who is older than you, that you can talk to. Surely in every church, even a judgmental one, there is ONE couple. And if there isn't, you need to find another church!
Most people don't ask for help for one of several reasons. First, they believe they genuinely don't need it. They are completely in the right, and so they don't need anyone's advice. Often one half of a couple feels this way, and the other doesn't. If you're married to someone who feels this way, you still need a mentor! Find a woman you can talk to and pray with, even if your husband won't.
The second reason is because they've talked to others before, and those people have told them that they are in the wrong or they need to compromise. I'm thinking of one particular woman I know who broke up her family recently. She was sure she was right; when she started talking to people in the church, though, they didn't take her side. So she stopped talking and did what she wanted to anyway.
And that brings me to number three: often people don't ask for help because they've already made up their minds about what they are going to do. They're going to leave their spouse and split up their family, and they've convinced themselves they're in the right. But they know deep down that perhaps they're not, and so they don't ask for help in case they're convicted.
I don't know where you are today. I don't know if you're having marriage issues or parenting issues or anything. But I do know that so many people do desperately want to help. My husband, a pediatrician, once participated in a community parenting course. It had tons of advertising from the Children's Aid Society, other physicians, and more. Doctors were telling their patients with problem kids to go. It was on the radio. And three families showed up.
I have another friend who is a nutritionist. A few years ago her office put on a seminar called "2 can dine for $1.99" to teach lower income people how to cook well on a limited budget. The only people who showed up was the entire homeschooling group from her community, who thought it was a great educational opportunity. All the people at the welfare office, and at Children's Aid, who were told about it, did not go.
Why do I tell you this? It's because I firmly believe that help is there if you want it. People want to share their knowledge and their experience. But the vast majority of people don't ask for help and don't take it until it is too late.
Every couple, everybody, should have a mentor that they can talk to when things get difficult. I have a mentor, and I am somebody's mentor. My husband has a mentor, and he is also somebody's mentor. This is so important especially for couples in the ministry, where it's hard to talk about your personal issues. But that makes it all the more crucial to have a safe place to go for help. So don't wait. Just ask for help. If more people did that, I think we'd see fewer families splitting up.
My heart is heavy today, because I have just learned of another couple that I love very much who have separated. I don't believe the separation is necessarily permanent, but I still mourn for the pain that is involved, and for the children, and for the chance that it may not work.
And it got me thinking of this series of posts that my blogger friend Terry refers to, where Dalrock is asking, "what can the church do to prevent divorce"? (my paraphrase, not his). He starts a very needed conversation.
However, I have another perspective I want to add to this question. First, as soon as we ask the question "what can our church do", we tend to think in terms of pastors, or elders, or small group leaders. We don't tend to think of us as Christians. So let's rephrase the question, and ask, "what can Christians do to prevent divorce"?
Now, I think there are two main strategies we need to employ: prevention and crisis management. I'm going to focus more on crisis management in this blog post, but let me deal with prevention first.
How can Christians help prevent divorce? These would be my key points:
1. Emphasize that the purpose of marriage is not happiness; it's holiness. Often people split because "they're not happy", or they're not in love anymore. But the reason they're not happy is often because they are expecting the other person to meet all their needs, rather than focusing on what they can do to meet their mate's needs. We're missing the boat.
We think that life should be about fulfillment, and that's not the point of life. And ironically, we tend to feel more fulfilled when we submit to God, live out our commitments, and find His peace and joy. When our focus of life becomes finding our own happiness, we drift horribly.
I don't want to spend too much time on this, even though I think it's extremely profound, because I've written of it before and there are other things I want to talk about here. But I do want to stress that perhaps in church we focus too much on making people comfortable and happy rather than making people challenged. Just a thought.
2. Encourage family time. Couples don't wake up one day and decide to split. It comes usually after years of drifting. The natural course of family life is to drift apart. People don't naturally drift together. It is the drifting that causes bad feelings, affairs, workaholism, etc. So we need to create a community where families are encouraged to do things together; not to have tons of meetings away from each other, or tons of small groups where the women are away from the men and everyone is away from the kids.
I'm not saying there's not a space for that, but often in our Christian lives we put people in the position of spending time not as a family but as individuals within the wider community. It's time to get back to family. Encourage family game nights instead of all kinds of small groups. Encourage family hikes or outings instead of church picnics. Have the youth baby-sit the kids so that parents can take a date night. Let's make the church a place where families are together, and as Christians, let's talk to our friends if they're spending too much time in extracurricular activities and not enough time as a family.
3. Offer marriage support groups. Make sure that all couples who are in their first two years of marriage have a mentor. Marriage counselling is almost more important after the wedding than before, because before everyone thinks, "that will never happen to us! We really love each other!" It's only after the wedding that you find out you're human. Make marriage support a regular part of what you do as a couple with your friends, and what you do inside your church.
4. Have messages that clearly tell why marriage is important--not just because God ordained it, but because society and children rely on it.
Now, those are my prevention points. But what happens when a couple comes to you and says, "I moved out yesterday, and I'm staying on my brother's couch while we figure out what to do next." All too often, that's the scenario we find ourselves in. We don't tend to know that couples are having problems until they've already made the split.
But what do we do? We tend to react in panic, and then we tend to use the tools that we're used to--namely our prevention techniques. We start talking to them about the importance of commitment. We talk about how it's not about your happiness, it's about holiness. And this does absolutely nothing to help.
Let me try to diagnose the problem for us, and then maybe see it in a different light. In my experience teaching at marriage conferences, if one person wants to work on a marriage, but the other doesn't, the chance of the marriage working is probably just under 50%, no matter how small the issues are. If one person really doesn't want to work, there's not a lot you can do.
On the other hand, if both people want to make it work, I would put the chance closer to 90% that the couple can work it out--no matter how big the problem. Even if it's multiple affairs, or workaholism, or jail, or whatever, if both are committed, it can work. And in fact, often these relationships that are terrible are the best demonstration of God's grace and power.
The key, then, is to get both people wanting to work it out. It is not to get both people to agree on what the problem is; it is not to get both people to agree on who is to blame; it is not to actually even solve the problem. The key is simply to get both to agree that what they want is to work it out. In other words, the problem that caused the break is not the issue; the commitment to the marriage is the issue.
Too often, when couples arrive in a pastor's office or in a sibling's home or on the friend's phone and announce that they have split, our first instinct is to talk about the problem. Why?, we ask. And when we get the details, we then try to analyze and solve the problem. Are your grounds for divorce biblical? If there is an affair involved, it very well may be biblical. Then we start arguing that even if it is biblical, it doesn't mean you HAVE to divorce. And we go back and forth and we don't really get anywhere.
The reason we don't get anywhere is that we're misunderstanding where the person is coming from. We don't want to see the marriage end, and we're desperately trying to get them to see what is so obvious to us. But that's being very condescending. Most people, when they split, didn't begin the process wanting to get out. They wanted to make the marriage work. They have cried rivers of tears. Their heart has been broken--even if they're the one who had the affair. They have been torn apart by this. By arguing whether or not they're in the right we seem to be dismissing all their feelings and their turmoil. We're treating it logically, rather than emotionally. And we're trying to insert ourselves into the problems that this couple has had--problems that we can never fully understand because we weren't there.
Let me suggest another road. At this point, once a couple has separated or are preparing to separate, they already believe that the issue is big enough that a breach is imperative. To argue about the cause of that breach, the legitimacy of that breach, or the solution to that breach is counterproductive. They are in pain. Instead, we need to appeal to the two solid things in their lives--the two things where love is still present. Let's not focus on hurt; let's focus on love. There is so much negativity when it comes to the marriage right now that you don't want to feed into that by focusing on the cause of the negativity. Instead, you want to focus on the two things that, hopefully, still give them strength and joy.
Now I am talking primarily about Christian couples here, so if you're dealing with couples who are not Christian, you'll have to modify this approach a bit. But for a couple who is a Christian, I would focus on two truths:
1. Your children will be hurt by this divorce, even if the divorce is biblical. On the whole, children do not fare well when their parents split. What is it that you want for your children? Presumably, they want their children to grow up with the best possible start in life, feeling loved and safe and secure. The best route to that is to be raised in a home by biological parents who love each other.
Even if you don't love each other now, and even if you don't see a way to love each other, do you agree that parents being married is best for your children? Can you give us two or three months to fight for this marriage for the sake of the children--not to stay so that you're fighting all the time, but to stay to rebuild a marriage so that the children will be safe and secure. We aren't talking about staying married but hating each other, because that isn't necessarily good for the children (though studies have shown that even that situation is often better for kids than living through a divorce). But let's agree that what's best for the kids is two parents together.
Don't discuss the issue that is tearing apart the marriage. Don't discuss how you get to the point that you love each other. Don't discuss who is right or who is wrong. Simply talk about what is best for the kids. Arm yourselves with the statistics (and if people want I can publish another post about all these stats; just le me know in the comments if you'd like that). Tell people what happens to the children after a divorce. Right now a split looks like a relief for the parent who has lived through something horrible. Let them know that it is the exact opposite for the children.
Most people, even if they are exhausted themselves, can agree to fight for their kids. Focus on that, not on the spouse.
2. God is big enough to see you through. Now here's the next point: Can you trust God to see you through? Can you trust God to restore your joy in life? Can you trust God to transform you and your marriage? You don't have to know HOW God will do this, and likely the person will start talking about the issue and how it's impossible.
Here's the key talking point: you do not have to understand how God will do anything. You do not have to understand what it is that God will do. The only relevant question is: can you trust God to get you through this? Because if you can't trust God to transform you and give you joy inside your marriage, how can you trust Him to outside?
God wants marriages to thrive. He doesn't yearn for marriages where people just stick it out and are miserable. He wants people to have abundant marriages. He will still be there for people if they split; absolutely. But that is not what He wants. He hates divorce. He permits it in some cases, but that does not mean that He likes it, even then. And if He hates it, wouldn't He prefer to transform your marriage? Wouldn't He like it better if your marriage worked, rather than seeing you divorce and having to deal with all of that?
Again, the question is not believing whether or not the spouse will change or whether or not the issue will be resolved, and if people start trying to talk about this, stop them. Change the subject. Come back to the main point: It's not about the issue, it's about God. It's not about how bad the issue is; it's about how big God is.
I believe every marriage counselling session should focus on these two points: Can you fight for your kids, and do you believe that God is big enough to restore joy and fight for you? These are the heart issues, and neither of them has anything to do with the issue that has caused the marital split.
It's dangerous to start marriage counseling by trying to talk about the issue, because you're trying to apply logic to a subject that is inherently fraught with emotion. And by starting to analyze whether or not the grounds for divorce are biblical, or whether the issue is enough to cause a split, you are, in effect, insulting the person who has struggled with this for months if not years. Instead, get to the real point: you have a responsibility to your kids, and God has a responsibility to you. Do you trust God to live out His responsibility? Because if you don't, your life is not going to be any better if you split.
Christians, when they are considering leaving a marriage, are often quite close to God, because it's in those times of great pain that we cry out to Him the most. We often assume that they are far from God, because they are choosing a path we disagree with. But that's often not the case. Many have been praying. Many have been pleading with Him. They often do love Him very much. Talk about this love. If you love God, can you trust Him? What they are often looking for from God is approval to break up the marriage. Change the direction into not one of approval, but one of trust. Can you trust God?
And then, in that first counselling session, ask the two people to pray for their kids and pray that they will trust God. Maybe it's only a sentence prayer (and it probably should be only a sentence prayer), but pray it with each other present. There is something very powerful about praying together when you are in such turmoil. Even if the prayer is simply, "God, please help us to do what is best for our children, and help us to trust you," with both of them saying it, God can do an amazing thing.
Remember this: no amount of arguing or logic can save a marriage when people want to leave. What you need is God. You need them to turn back to God, and you need them to turn back to their kids. That is hard when they are so burdened personally, but that is the road to recovery: get your eyes off of yourself, and get them on to the Lord.
Once they are both committed to working for the kids and to trusting God, you can then start to talk about the issue--perhaps after three or four more counselling sessions when the main focus is trusting in God to deal with their emotional turmoil and to deal with the kids. Don't jump into the issues right away. No issues can really be solved until the person decides to yield to Jesus anyway. Yield to God, and God has power to work miracles. Appeal to logic, and you'll hit your head against a wall.
Friends, I can't tell you enough how important I think this is. I believe that we do marriage wrong in the church for all kinds of reasons--busy-ness, a refusal to admit our problems, overscheduling, an emphasis on happiness rather than holiness. And I believe that when people have problems, we start the blame game, or we try to talk them out of it. All of it will fail, and you can tell that we're not doing a good job just from the stats of divorce among Christians--30% in Canada and 50% in the United States. Something has to change.
I believe it comes to this. Let's stop relying on our own power to solve marriage problems. You can't use logic to fix things. All you can do is help encourage people to move to a deeper level of submission to God. Do this, and things have a chance. Fail to do this, and you'll likely do little good.
More people need to hear this, so please comment, tell me what you think, and share this on Facebook below! Or perhaps forward it to your pastor. We need to get a real discussion going on how to rescue couples who are in crisis.
On the wimp factor scale, I probably score near a "10" for wimpitude. I do not like pain, though I handled labour well enough because I knew it was coming and I may as well deal with it. But I don't like pain. I don't like exertion. And I don't like fear.
Teenage boys, on the other hand, seem to thrive on it.
Last year, my nephew was involved in the Bible quizzing program at our church, and he reached a milestone for verses memorized, so we let him name his prize. He wanted to go paintballing. My husband said he'd take him. But Alex didn't just want my husband Keith. He wanted me, too.
I initially put him off, but finally yesterday I assented. I think we often "pooh pooh" teenagers and don't spend enough time with them on their own terms because they want to do things we don't like. But if we want teens to see us as approachable, and to respect our opinions, we have to come down to their level, too. It has to go both ways. We can't expect them to want to be with us and to listen to our advice if we don't also occasionally go out of our way to affirm their interests.
So today I took a deep breath, loaded up on padded clothing (despite the heat), and went paintballing. My daughter did not. She just kept the camera.
My husband, three teenage boys, and me. Quite the sight. I had on a knit top and a knit sweater (knit is far more absorbent of impact) and a jogging outfit over the whole thing. And for those of you who think Canada is never hot, you're wrong! It was in the mid-80s today. But I need padding, even if it makes me sweat like a pig.
Now I know some of you reading this won't approve of paintballing because of the guns. I understand the sentiment. But for me it wasn't really about the guns as much as it was about bonding with the kids. And let's face it: he's going to go paintballing with or without me, and he's going to play violent video games. I'd rather he go paintballing and have a social afternoon than play video games. And he's planning on going into the military, anyway, which I think is a noble profession, so I'm not opposed to the practice. If you are, please forgive me, and realize the spirit in which I was partaking.
For the first round I was too scared to move. I had a whole new respect for soldiers, realizing how difficult it must be to run with bullets flying. For the second round I ventured out a bit, and by the fifth round I managed to just nail my husband in the back, which I sheepishly admit was a little bit too satisfying! Alex managed to hit me twice, and it didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would.
Looking like I'm doing something:
Trees are my new best friend:
I love walls, too:
If I make a run for it, can I make it out of here?
He's over there:
Hubby after he's hit:
All done!
Will I go again? I suppose I probably will, because the teenage guys in our church do like it, and they'll be helping me out with coaching our quizzing teams this year. It seems like a reward they'd appreciate, and I do like spending time with them. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll take up knitting!
Wouldn't you love to praise like this? Just keep watching:
I just love the innocence of children, and how much they really do love God.
When Katie was 2, she used to love singing in the backseat. She wouldn't pay any attention to us in the front, she'd just belt it out, too. One day I was very sick, and had to ask an older friend to take Katie for the day (Katie was still infectious and so couldn't go with any other children). So my friend, who was about 45 at the time, drove around with Katie on all her errands that day. And when she dropped her off the next day, she was chuckling, explaining how Katie sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "Jesus Loves the Little Children" at the top of her lungs, all the time.
Rebecca, when she was 3, used to make up songs on the subway. She was my little evangelist. Whether I wanted her to or not, she'd sing loudly, with her own words, "Jesus died for you. And He loves you. You just have to believe in Him. Because He died for you!" I got some looks, I tell you!
Children praise. They don't think about what other people are thinking. They don't look around to make sure they're doing it right. They just sing for His glory.
Tomorrow, when you go to church, how will you worship? Will you just sing for His glory, or will you think of what the woman is thinking who is sitting two rows up? Will you wonder what others are thinking of your clothes, your kids, your car, or will you just think about Jesus? Will you listen to the sermon and think about God, or will you plan your grocery list?
Tomorrow, let's just fix our eyes on Jesus, and worship!
Not among my daughters, but in me. I've got baking to do, and knitting to finish, and a bit of shopping to do. I've got to plan a cooking schedule for Christmas Day. But, all in all, I'm rather excited by it!
I think I'll take a break from blogging for a few days after Wifey Wednesday tomorrow, but before I do, I have another subject for discussion, because I'd honestly like people's thoughts on it (and I know those thoughts will not always agree! That's okay!).
First, a bit of background. I don't really have a place to call "home" except for where I live now. As a child, we moved every few years. My mother, as a child, moved frequently, too, so she didn't have a place to call home, either. Belleville, where I live now, has been my home for 11 years, the longest of anywhere I've ever lived. So this is my home.
My husband, on the other hand, always felt that "home" was in the Maritimes, where he grew up until he was 10 and where my in-law's huge families still lived. Every holiday they'd take the 14 hour drive to New Brunswick and spend it "down home".
My children also have a sense of home, because this is the only place they remember living.
Because of my background, perhaps, I have less of a sense of loyalty to any particular town or organization than many, because I have never had a home. I have made a home out of wherever I happened to be, and never felt that it had to be a lifetime commitment. And I have translated that feeling into churches.
When we moved here, we tried about a dozen churches before we settled on one. It was a good fit, and we attended for nine years. But after that a whole bunch of things started happening, including problems with how my then 12-year-old daughter was fitting in to the youth group, and we decided it was time to make the switch. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done because I felt that the church was my home--really the only one I had ever had.
But I wasn't growing there. I had been seriously hurt there, as had my husband, when he served in leadership. So there we were, in a church where Keith felt it difficult to serve, where I had been hurt, and where Rebecca felt that isolated in the youth group.
We made a switch. We still love many people from my former church, and still consider them family (I'm frantically knitting a baby sweater right now for one of them). I love the pastor and his wife at that church. But in the end, what a blessing the move was. Even though it was wrenching, God was in it. My girls were both baptized within a year of going to our new church. The moment they stepped into the door other youth embraced them, and within three weeks they weren't sitting with us anymore. They were sitting with the youth. I've been helping with one of the youth programs, and I just love it. My kids are thriving. Keith ALMOST became an elder this year (he turned it down because his work schedule is so intense right now, but I never thought I'd see the day when he would willingly agree to serve in church leadership again.)
So here's my question: When do you think it's okay to leave a local fellowship? And what do you do if your family doesn't agree?
For instance, I think that it's okay to leave if you aren't being fed, you are being discouraged from using gifts, and your kids are suffering. I don't think it's okay to leave if you're simply in conflict with people, because I think it's biblical to work through conflict. I also don't agree with people who switch churches every two years, because then what you do is create a situation where you have no close relationships with other Christians and thus no accountability, which is, after all, the main purpose of a local church.
I don't, however, see a biblical injunction that once we attend a certain church, we have to be there for the rest of our lives. However, some at my former church feel that way--that somehow you are betraying God if you leave. I believe the biblical injunction is that we be part of a fellowship of accountability where there is teaching and where you contribute. We aren't to be lone rangers. But that's not the same thing as saying that one is "married" to a particular church building or particular church members.
But here's another problem: what do you do if you just can't worship in a church anymore, and you want to leave, but your husband doesn't? Or maybe your kids don't? But you just feel like you can't worship there anymore? I know it's important to worship together, but what if you've given it an honest effort, and the church is smothering you (which does happen). Then what?
So what are your thoughts? When do you leave? Or do you leave? And what if your spouse or your kids don't agree? Let me know!
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in several newspapers. Here's this week's, which focuses on an ordeal one of my local churches is going through. Enjoy!
Let’s imagine that you’re mad at your father. He hates your boyfriend, so naturally you marry him to reap revenge. Now you realize, too late, that your boyfriend is an idiot. Is the marriage your father’s fault for making you mad?
Or what if a guidance counselor tells you your boring personality makes you perfectly suited for accountancy? Then you become an accountant and are miserable because you have dreams of joining Cirque du Soleil. Is it her fault that you wasted years pursuing a profession you now hate?
In other words, if someone influences you towards a bad decision, whose fault is that decision?
That’s the question being asked in my hometown right now. After a man filed a lawsuit against a counseling ministry at a local church, another woman came forward claiming that a counselor had pushed her into a bad marriage. So she may sue, too. Let’s assume for the sake of argument that this woman is right: she sought out counseling and the counselor told her to get married, and the couple is now divorced. Should the woman blame the counselor for the ill-advised nuptials?
I think that’s carrying things way too far. Marriage is a big decision. We shouldn’t let anyone else talk us into it. And at some point, doesn’t being a grown-up mean taking responsibility for your actions? If you can’t—if you’re determined to go through life blaming everybody else for every bad decision you make—then you’re never going to grow as a person. Do we really want a society full of people like that?
But even worse, do we want a society where community service organizations can be sued even if they were acting in good faith?
Luckily we already came to our senses in the case of individuals. Here was the scenario that once existed for would-be Good Samaritans: You’re driving along and see a car on fire with someone inside. In a fit of heroic madness, you rush towards the vehicle and haul that victim out before the car is consumed by flames.
Six months later you receive a letter that you’re being sued, because the person had a broken neck, and when you rescued him you made it worse.
You’d be pretty ticked, wouldn’t you? And you’d be much less likely to help the next time someone needed it. That’s why provinces adopted Good Samaritan Acts, which provide that people rescuing others can’t be sued if they’re doing something reasonable.
But don’t organizations face the same conundrum? If they can be sued for trying to do good, they may just decide to stop doing good altogether.
This church that’s being sued for its counseling ministry serves our community. I don’t know the church that well; I don’t know the individuals involved; and I don’t know the circumstances.
What I do know is that when my husband and I lost our son, we went to a church counselor, and she was a lifeline. If churches can be sued for providing counseling services, fewer are going to do it. It’s not just this church that will be affected; it’s all churches and non-profit agencies. They won’t stick their necks out if people are waiting there to cut their heads off.
Boy Scouts, Big Brothers, churches, and so many other organizations have turned themselves inside out to try to prevent any sort of abuse, and that’s all for the good. But they will never eliminate all risks. Should we expect them to? By trying to prevent risks, many have curbed the programs they offer, leaving the community they serve the real loser.
Sometimes organizations will make mistakes, but this should not negate the greater good that they do. In cases of gross negligence, like abuse that was tolerated, obviously someone needs to be punished. But in other cases, maybe we should get back to personality responsibility and stop encouraging lawsuits. Why not just thank organizations for giving to the community, even if, on occasion, they fall short? After all, if they stop doing good, who is going to be left to help us?
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A few years back several states passed Good Samaritan laws, which stated that an individual could not be sued if while they were trying to rescue someone, that person was harmed.
So if you saw a burning car, and rushed in and hauled someone out before it went up in flames, and it turns out the victim had a broken neck and you made it worse, they couldn't turn around and sue you. You were trying to help. And without these good Samaritan laws, people were reluctant to intervene.
Seems like a good idea to me!
But the biggest Good Samaritan of all--churches--are still open for lawsuits.
I know some of this is controversial, and I'm very aware that it's not a black and white issue. The Catholic church, for instance, tolerated pedophiles as priests for far too long, and I understand those lawsuits. At the same time, to bankrupt entire dioceses which are providing food banks and inner city charity work seems excessive.
In my hometown today a Protestant church is being sued for $1 million by a parishioner who went for counselling. This church had a counselling ministry, and I'm not sure of the details of this case, but the man is claiming that the counsellors weren't adequately supervised.
On the front page of the paper today another woman says that she may now have the courage to come forward. It turns out that she and her ex-husband were counselled before they were married that marriage was a good idea, even though they had reservations. So they married. And divorced within four months. And she is blaming the church for telling her to get married.
Now again, I don't know the counsellors, or the church that well, or these individuals. But things like this bother me.
I understand that in counselling relationships there is a power imbalance. But at the same time, you are an adult and you are responsible for your actions. If someone advises you to get married, and you listen to them, you made that decision. You are responsible for it. You can't blame it on someone else!
I really hope this church survives these lawsuits, because they do a lot of good in our community. But many churches have gotten out of the counselling business altogether because of this threat of lawsuits.
And then what do we have? We have nowhere for people to turn when they need help with a difficult situation.
There are all kinds of laws like this. Many churches stopped having potlucks and church dinners a few years ago when the Ontario government changed the health regulations for the type of kitchen food needed to be prepared in. No longer could you cook it at home and then bring it in, because your home kitchen hadn't been inspected.
I understand the reason, but this is going overboard! People need the community that comes from church. They need the advice that comes from church. And the community needs the good works that churches do.
I am not saying that churches shouldn't be accountable if they hire people who are obviously dangerous or incompetent. But on the whole, people need to be responsible for their actions. I am an adult. If I choose to follow advice, that was my choice. If I choose to eat food that my friend Nancy made, that is my choice. I don't think we should just let these agencies, which do so much good, be ripped apart by lawsuits and regulations. It's strangling us.
And if all the Good Samaritans are gone, where will be?
I never really meant to post on tithing, but it keeps coming up, and then in the comments people ask questions, so here we go on another post!
Now we're dealing with the question: Does the whole 10% need to go to my church?
Please keep in mind that what I am about to tell you is my understanding of Scripture. It is not Scripture itself, and many smart, godly people have views quite the opposite of mine.
But nevertheless, this is my blog and I get to tell you what I think!
In the Old Testament, when the tithe was instituted, everybody took their tithe to the tabernacle, and later the temple. These were the places where God literally dwelled, and where all the work of God was carried out in the entire world. It was the only organized vehicle for God's work on earth. The welfare system was run from the temple. Evangelism, such as it was, was run from the temple. Everything was located there.
I don't think you can compare the local church with the temple. God does not dwell in your local church; He dwells in you today. He once lived in the holiest of holies in the temple; now He lives in your heart. So there's nothing mystical about the building, except that it is the primary place for fellowship and accountability and growth that we have today.
As such, it needs much of our tithe. But I don't think it needs all of it. Today, God's work is not only done by the local church. It is also done by organizations all over the world, and even here at home. If we're to forward God's work on earth, I think we need to be considering those organizations, too.
Our church gives about 20% of its money to overseas missions, so it's easy to say that if we give to the local church alone, the local church then takes its tithes and distributes them as it sees fit, and you're done. But I guess I've never believed that, because 80% of the money still stays in North America. And quite frankly, the work of God needs more money on other sides of the world, in my opinion, where Christians are being thrown out of their homes, tortured, or simply starving.
So we try to give half our tithe to our church, and then we divide up the rest between local missions and overseas missions, with an emphasis on the overseas. We try to give to organizations that we personally have contact with, so we know the money is being used well. For instance, my family has visited an orphanage in Kenya, and a lot of our money goes directly there today. We gave money to build a water system, for instance, and the next time we go back we will be able to physically see it. We also gave money to start up some entrepreneurial ventures in Kenya, and when we go back we can visit those, too. So it's very tangible.
I know many disagree, and many preach that the entire 10% has to go to your local church, and the offerings above and beyond that go overseas. I feel that we should all be giving at least 10% (we give more than that), but I just don't think the church is the same as the temple, since God is working in many ways today.
So that's where I stand.
And in answer to another question, yes, I think we should also tithe our time, but that doesn't mean that we don't have to give money! (which I don't think the commenter was implying; I'm just making the point). I think we just simply need to have an attitude of generosity, where we hold everything we have--our money, our time, even our kids--in an open hand, realizing that they come from God, and they're not intrinsically ours. Let's not become so burdened by things on earth that we fail to rely on Him. Let's not hoard His blessings. Let's share them so they can multiply.
That's just my attitude towards life. And when you do share, you feel a whole lot better!
I'm not at church this morning. At least, not at my home church. And I miss my kids and the youth quizzing team that I coach!
But I'm speaking for a weekend at a retreat, which has actually been great because I've had my own room (read below), and I have been so encouraged by the women here at Bramalea Baptist and the way they pray for each other and support each other.
Anyway, back to church. This year our family made a major change. We left our church that we had been extremely actively involved in for 9 years and went to a smaller one. I won't go into all the reasons; they're really not that important. But it was the right move, although it was agonizing at the time.
I'm not one who believes in hopping churches in the least. I believe in belonging and committing to a body and then blessing each other and holding each other accountable.
But Rebecca, my 13-year-old, wasn't happy in our old church. She didn't feel like she had a lot of female friends (though the boys in her age group were great), and she really didn't like the youth group. To her it felt like it was all about being popular, and wearing make-up (in grade 7), and not really about growing in your faith. She was teased for being smart. She felt like an outcast. She dreaded it.
But now at our new church she is thriving. The kids welcomed her with open arms (and her little sister!), and they have been such a great influence. It's just a different feel. The kids are serious about God, and the senior high and junior high mix more so she has some great mentors who are 16 or 17. She asked to be baptized a few weeks ago, and gave a wonderful testimony which she wrote herself. And as a homeschool mom, I didn't make her edit it. I was very proud of my restraint.
I am just so thankful to God when I look back over the last six months and what a difference they have made in our lives and especially in hers. She wasn't the only reason we left the church, but even if there hadn't been other reasons, the change in her would have been enough.
Now, I just need to stay in contact with the really nice boys at our old church. We might need them one day.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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