Thanks for all the great feedback on my post on Saturday on how to stop temper tantrums before they start! I appreciate it. The point I made in that post was that quite often kids act up simply because they're bored. We haven't been interacting with them, and they can't keep themselves stimulated without acting up. We can't expect children to be perfect without us paying any attention to them. I gave some examples and strategies, and if you haven't read it, do breeze through!
But I want to take it a little further today. It occurs to me that in most of the parenting books I've read, and in most of the parenting books I see, the parenting techniques focus on stopping certain behaviour. We're focused on how to react when kids do something wrong. Our starting point is already the negative: how to deal with negative behaviour.
As I said, I do believe we need good techniques for that, and I'm a firm believer in consistent discipline. However, I know a ton of parents who know how to give a good time out who at the same time do not know how to actually play or interact with a child. I think we have focused so much on discipline that we have neglected the happier parts of parenting--just how to interact.
I have to confess that I absolutely HATED playing with my kids. I hated playing when I baby-sat, too. I'm not one of those sit on the floor and play Barbies moms. I never have been. What I could do, though, was talk to my kids, read to my kids, and listen to my kids. And I found that the more I talked to them, especially outside the house, the more they would play when they were inside the house without demanding that I participate. So it was a win-win!
I'm not saying, then, that a good parent is one who is always playing anything and everything with her kids. Not at all. I know many of you, like me, struggle with stuff like that. But do discover how and when you are best at interacting.
I always found it easier to involve the kids into my life than I did to try to enter theirs. So when I was cleaning the kitchen, for example, I'd give them a cloth and a spray bottle of water and they'd go to it with the bottom kitchen cabinets. We'd talk and laugh and they would be "helping Mommy". They really liked cleaning time, because they got to spray water!
We also folded laundry well together. While I was folding, I'd throw sheets up in the air for them to run under, like a balloon. And then, when they were done that, they always got to fold the pillow cases and the facecloths into nice squares. They could do that even at 2, and they were quite good at it.
And even though they were entering into my sphere, they were "playing". They were laughing, and having fun. And they felt as if they had my attention because I was laughing with them and talking with them. I figured I had to clean anyway, so if I could involve them, then I was playing and doing my own chores at the same time. Then later on, they might let me have some downtime!
Sometimes I think we demand too much of ourselves, thinking that good parenting involves getting into the sandbox, or acting out Barbie's wedding. There's nothing wrong with that, but that may not be who you are. But if you involve them where you can, where it's more natural for you, as often as you can, then they won't feel abandoned if you make them play by yourself at times.
A child feels secure when parents pay attention and talk and laugh with him or her. When parents talk to them and try to teach them things about the world, they learn, "I am important. I am loved. The world is an understandable place, where someone will always help me to figure it out. And my Mommy thinks that I can handle it."
Isn't that we want?
On the other hand, if your view of parenting is to raise a child who is completely obedient, and who does not make demands (because that means that they are "spoiled"), you're setting yourself up for failure. Your child won't feel secure, which means that they will become even more demanding (they're searching for love and for affirmation). You'll become more frustrated with them and more frustrated with your own parenting. And you set up a downward spiral.
We've heard a ton in parenting literature about three things, it seems to me: the importance of having a schedule, the importance of discipline, and the importance of touch. These are all wonderful. But I'm not sure we've heard enough about the importance of just talking to your child and involving them in your life.
I see so many parents who really don't know how to interact with their kids; they go for the more appeasement model of parenting. Kids act up and whine, and they try to get the kids to stop by offering bribes, or trying to distract them, or feeding them. The only time they actually talk with the children, then, are when the children are whiny. When they're not whining, then the parents leave them alone because now they can grab some time to themselves.
What I don't think parents realized is that if they took some time when the kids are in a good mood and just talked to the kids--even if you do it while you're already doing a chore that needs to be done, like cleaning, or making the bed, or dishes--then your kids would be less whiny at other times of day, and you could get those minutes to yourself. But it needs to start with you putting a priority on interacting with your kids. Your job is not to stop all whining; it's to have fun with your kids and teach them things so they're less likely to whine in the first place.
What do you think? Let me know how you involve kids in the everyday things of life!
As many of you know, we don’t have a television. But we do have the internet! And we recently found, to our joy, that you can watch episodes of Supernanny on YouTube! So every homeschooling lunch, my girls and I have been watching a new episode. It’s great fun!
In general, I think the show is very positive. In each episode, the nanny, Jo, shows the parents two things (because I think that’s all you have time for): how to get the kids to go to bed, and how to use the “Naughty Chair” (or naughty room, or naughty stair). She goes into great detail on the bedtime routine, which we used long before we watched Supernanny, and which worked. We started when the girls were babies, and by the time they were a year old they went to bed easily and always have. But here’s the routine:
1. Cuddle, read story, bath, pray, say good night to them. Leave them in their own room. 2. If they come out, hug them, tell them it’s time for bed, and take them back to their room. 3. If they come out a second time, say “It’s bedtime”, and take them back again. Do not say anything else. 4. If they come out again, say nothing, but take them by the hand and put them back in bed. 5. Repeat until they’re asleep.
And on the show, the kids are asleep within an hour, even if it used to take several hours to get kids to sleep. And that’s been my experience, too. It really does work. Kids just need to know you’re serious.
It’s the Naughty Chair I have more issues with. It’s the only real discipline technique she uses (likely because it’s only an hour long show, so you can only show one thing). The routine goes like this:
1. Issue a warning. 2. If the child continues the behaviour, put them in the time out place, where they must stay for a minute per year of age. Tell them in a deep, authoritative voice (different from your normal tone) why they are there, and what they must think about. 3. If the child leaves the area, take them by the hand firmly and put them back, reinforcing why they are there. 4. At the end of the time out, they must apologize and then you hug them.
It sounds good in theory, but if you have a child who refuses to stay on the chair, or in the corner, then it’s still something that takes an hour or so. I never spanked my kids, but I watch this show and often think, “a spanking would be a lot faster”. Because allowing that child to get off of the chair and scream at you is still allowing them to be disrespectful.
What do the rest of you think?
Last night, when I was out for a walk with my hubby, we were talking about this in general, and we mentioned two things.
First, when our children were little, we didn’t use time outs that much. We only used them for tantrums or for absolute disrespect, which was actually quite rare. Instead, we tended to take away toys, or dessert, or other privileges (but toys was the big thing), because usually the reason they were being disciplined had something to do with a toy. They weren’t sharing, or they were grabbing it from another child, or they were hitting someone with it. It’s more immediate, and it’s more effective, I find.
I just think you need a combination of techniques for different infractions. The main thing is this: don’t get in an argument about it. Just do it. And do it immediately. We watched so many families on the show let things go by just by yelling at the kids or telling them that’s wrong, but then not doing anything about it. A child doesn’t care if you’ve told them they’ve done wrong without any consequence, but we magically think that if we express disapproval, that’s the same thing as disciplining. It’s not.
The second thing that occurred to me is that in many families, life has become so chaotic that the only conversations that parents have with their children have to do with logistics: who has to go where when, who has to pick up what toys, who has to stop hitting their brother, who has to be quiet, who has to get ready for bed, who has to stop crying and eat their food. Everything is about telling a child what to do.
You could easily be with a child all day, and never really talk to them. Words are coming out of your mouth constantly, and words are coming out of the child’s mouth, but it’s as if you are always at loggerheads. You’re always telling them what to do, and yet you never really have fun together.
In every family we’ve watched so far, the children have called the mother some variant of “poopy head”. My children would never have DREAMED of calling me that. I never experienced that in the least. And I think one of the reasons is that my daughters and I had FUN together. We always did. Certainly I told them that it was time to get dressed, or to get their breakfast, but in general, we always did fun things together everyday. I wasn't great at getting down on the floor and playing dolls or Barbies. My husband was much better at actually playing with them. But I'd read books, or set up crafts, or most of all, take them out for walks, or to the playground, or to a play group. And we'd sing and talk the whole way. We had a relationship.
When you have a close relationship with your kids, and they know you love them, they have less reason to act up to get your attention. There's more goodwill, and they're less likely to be disrespectful.
That's why I think that while discipline is important, learning how to have fun again as a family is just as vital. Learning how to talk around the table at dinner, or how to go outside and engage your children. It can be hard, because we adults usually don't enjoy doing what children want to do, so we find it boring. But you can concentrate on the things you do well, like going for walks (hey, it gets exercise!), running around a park, singing, reading books, playing airplane with them up on your feet while you're lying on the floor, and things like that. Laugh with your kids everyday. Laughter covers over a multitude of sins.
Many families are out of control because they have allowed the children to take the reins in the home. And then they spend their lives responding to the kids' behaviour by yelling and ordering the kids around, and all fun is sapped out of their lives. We need balance back. If your children are out of control, learn to discipline immediately and effectively. Don't just tell your kids they're wrong; do something. Speak in a deeper voice so they know you're serious. But then start having fun again, too. Play with your children. Enjoy your children. And you just may remember why you had them in the first place!
What do you think? Any observations on Supernanny? How do you handle time outs, and do you find them effective? Let me know!
Last week a number of you asked me to write a post about how to discipline a toddler! I have so much to say about this I don't know if it will fit all in one post, but let's give it a try.
First, a bit of perspective. I firmly believe that the more you discipline a child up until the age of 3 or 4, the less you have to discipline a child around ages 15-17. And it's at 15-17 when they can get into some serious trouble! That's why it's so important that toddlers are taught to respect your authority and to obey.
I know "obey" is a dirty word. We don't want to impose our wills on these bright, impressionable children. But let's not forget that they are "children". They are not adults. They don't know everything. And they need to be taught to channel their energies in the right direction. Besides, it gives them a feeling of security when they realize that they are not in charge of this big, huge world. When they know there are checks and balances, and that Mommy and Daddy will stop them from doing something bad, they actually feel freer to explore this world than when they are given no limits at all.
So let's move into how to discipline.
1. Schedule/Routine works so well. If you can institute a schedule or routine so that the children know what to expect, you are less likely to need much formal discipline. One of the reasons kids act out is because they are confused or overwhelmed because they don't understand what is going on. That's why kids are more likely to act like brats in a new situation meeting all your relatives, for instance. It's an unfamiliar situation.
As much as possible, then, kids thrive with a schedule. Up at 7, play until 7:45, then breakfast. Play until 10, then outing. Home for lunch. Do a craft. Take a nap. Etc. etc. And try to make outings have similar themes! Have toys that you only take on outings. Go to the library at the same time on the days that you go. When kids know what to expect, they are far more likely to relax and enjoy it than to get upset and start acting out.
2. Make Allowances for Them. Kids are kids, and often we expect them to be able to behave better than perhaps we should. When my girls and I used to grocery shop when they were babies and toddlers, I would stick them into the grocery cart and then head immediately to the produce department, where I would buy two bananas. Then I'd go to the checkout and pay for my two little bananas. I'd keep the receipt handy, in my pocket, and I'd let the girls eat the bananas while we shopped. That kept them from fussing or from trying to touch all the food. If they already had food, they were far more likely to enjoy the experience.
It's unrealistic to expect a 2-year-old to sit calmly in a grocery cart in the middle of all that food for half an hour or 45 minutes while you get a huge shop done. Buy them a healthy snack at the beginning, and you get away from a lot of trouble.
Similarly, if you're waiting at a doctor's office, or if another appointment, it's unrealistic to expect them to sit calmly there, too. I always kept a few small toys and several books in my bag, and whenever we were out at stuff like that I'd whip them out and keep them occupied. It works well at restaurants, too.
I know it doesn't look like the first two have much to do with discipline, but I believe that if we aren't unreasonable with our children, and if we have a routine, kids in general will behave better. Now let's turn to the times when they don't behave.
3. Determine the root cause. My oldest daughter, for instance, threw temper tantrums like there was no tomorrow when she was 2. She'd get upset about something--like we had to leave the park--and she'd start screaming. The problem was she couldn't stop. She'd get to the point where her temper tantrum had nothing to do with what set her off. She was just screaming now because she was overwhelmed with her emotions.
It's frustrating as a parent, but much of life as a 2-3 year-old is learning things, and one thing you have to learn is handling emotions. Becca just couldn't do it at the time (she's still working on calming herself down when she feels panicky or upset, but she's much better at it at 15).
If you can see that it's not that she or he is being defiant, but it's just that they're tired or overwhelmed, that can at least perhaps temper your anger. It doesn't mean you don't discipline; it just makes you a little more sympathetic.
I would take Becca, in the middle of these tantrums, and talk quietly to her but make it clear that she couldn't be with the family or with other people if she was going to scream and thrash like that. We'd either remove her from the room we were in, or, if she was thrashing too much, I'd hold her on my lap, not talking to her, until she was able to calm down.
I never bribed her or tried to get her interested in something else. She needed to learn how to calm herself down. That's the main lesson she needed to get out of her temper tantrums, and if I calmed her down by giving her something, like chocolate, than the lesson was thrown out the window. It was frustrating because it's hard to listen to her screaming, but we'd either put her in a room and let her cry on her bed or I'd hold her on my lap, keeping her arms down, so she wasn't a harm to anybody.
4. Keep Discipline Immediate and Quick. Kids don't have long attention spans, and they don't always understand things when there's too much time between infraction and punishment. If they've just bitten somebody, then you must respond right then. If my children were at playgroup, for instance, and they did something horribly inappropriate, like biting or throwing a tantrum, we would leave. They were very upset about that, and it often made the tantrum worse, but they had to learn that they couldn't act that way in that setting.
Kids need to learn that in public there are certain things you can't do, like screaming, or hitting, or being violent. If they were, they lost their chance to play.
If you're going to institute something like this, don't lecture them or be mad. Just treat it like it's natural. "It's too bad we have to leave now, but that's what happens when you bite. Maybe we'll be able to come back tomorrow if you decide not to bite again." Then don't yell at them. You've already punished them. Let them understand that it was their choice to leave, since they did the biting. Next time, if they make a different choice, then you can stay.
But it must be immediate. Don't dilly dally and wait around and second guess yourself, or you've lost the chance. You can always come back another time, and it does help kids learn to control themselves when they see that they lose something important to them.
5. You Must Be Consistent. If you are going to make it a rule that everyone tries two bites of everything on their plate, for instance, then you have to make them. You can't do it one night and not the rest, or you'll have to start from scratch all over again. They'll know they can push the limits.
That's why it's better NOT to discipline or threaten if you're not going to follow through in the same way all the time. If you're going to let it go sometimes, but not others, you just confuse kids, and you actually put yourself in a worse situation. It's better to have small consequences that you always enforce than some big ones you're haphazard about, because you just confuse kids about the rules.
So don't threaten something in anger. Ask yourself, "can I really follow through? Can I follow through like this on another day, too? Is this something I can regularly do?" And if it's not, don't do it. When kids feel there's a CHANCE they can get away with something, they're more likely to push the limits than if they feel like there are no limits at all, if that makes any sense. It's better not to do anything than to do it halfway.
So with toddlers, choose small things to discipline about. Remove a toy. Have them stand in time out for 3 minutes. Take them out to the car if they're acting up in a restaurant. Leave a playgroup. As for spanking, you can do this if you want to, but I never recommend it because some people do spank in anger, and that's dangerous. If you don't spank in anger, and you're controlled and calm, then that's really up to you. I just don't want to get involved in that decision-making chain of yours!
Let me tell you, though, that some research has shown that spanking is much more effective for boys than for girls. Girls often react badly. Boys often react well. Nevertheless, you know your kids, and you choose what is best for them.
One more thing: try not to yell. If what you're doing is just enforcing consequences, you can do it in a nice voice. "It's too bad you can't play with bunny anymore today, but Mommy warned you, and I have to take it away now." Yelling scares kids and undermines your authority. It's not nice, it creates a horrible environment in the home, and it's not necessary except in really bad circumstances. Kids are far more likely to accept a consequence when you announce it in a firm but normal voice than if you go off the deep end.
I hope that helps! Leave your comments and other ideas below, and maybe I'll leave a follow-up post on Thursday!
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Interesting story from the UK here reporting that 4% of kids can't talk by age 3. The article includes a strange swipe at SAHMs, too, but let's leave that for a minute and look at the substance.
Late speaking is identified as being a problem, because if a child can't talk, then it's hard to learn other important things, and they start out life behind. The article is quick to mention that many children who talk late, though, do just fine later in life. My own aunt didn't speak much as a small child, but she's a brilliant doctor today. So I'm not too picky about it.
However, I do think there are things parents can do to encourage speech. The article mentions singing to them, and I'd certainly do that. I read to my children every night before bed starting when they were six months old. We used board books, and sang and did quick little stories. They turned the pages a lot, and didn't always seem like they were paying attention, but they learned a ton! And their favourite things as children were books.
Every week we walked to the library, even when they were just babies. We'd sing while they were in the stroller, and we'd chat. I kept a running conversation with my babies all the time, even when they were only a few hours old. I always find it strange to be with a mother who doesn't talk to her baby. Babies like listening to you talk, and that's how they learn to talk. I'd just tell Becca what I was doing, or what I was thinking of making for dinner, or what should be on my shopping list. The content didn't matter; it was the fact that you were reading. Remember that scene from Three Men and a Baby when Tom Selleck reads Sports Illustrated aloud? The baby just likes hearing you.
This is stuff that hopefully we all know. Yet the article then throws in a really weird comment:
The survey of more than 1,000 parents found that a child’s background was not a factor in how quickly they learnt to talk. Working parents who put their babies in day care are just as likely to have a child whose speech develops late as those who leave their baby in front of the television.
So basically it's dividing parents into two types: those who are the good ones, who put their kids in day care where they can "learn", and those who don't put their kids in care, who obviously just dump them in front of the television. (Perhaps it's dividing between working parents who put their kids in day care and working parents who put their kids in front of a TV, but that doesn't make much sense. I think the second group of parents must be stay at home parents, as if saying that we stay at home parents don't do anything valuable at all).
The media likes to hype the benefits to kids of daycare, but there's no evidence that there's any lasting impact academically from daycare. For some lower income single parents, day care does help kids in kindergarten and grade 1. But the benefits evaporate by grade 4.
You know what helps a child learn to talk? Being with people who love him or her and who want to talk to him or her. You don't need to send your child to daycare to teach them things. You really can do it yourself. And I do wish the media would start giving stay at home moms a little bit more credit.
If you enjoyed this post, and want to hear more about how to build a family that has fun together and grows together, listen to Sheila's audio download "Joy Filled Families"! All about how to grow intimacy, fun, and togetherness inside your home. Find out more
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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