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Wifey Wednesday: Changing the Dynamic

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and you all write on it on your own blogs and then put your link in here, or you comment in the comments!

Because I speak at marriage conferences, I get a lot of hard questions from people in marriages that are very difficult. Perhaps I'm a little jaded, then, when it comes to marriage, because I see all the problems that are going on behind the surface in many people's marriages that you would never guess from just looking at them. I think many of us are hurting more than we let on.

That doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is bad. I went through about four really rocky years in our marriage. I never contemplated leaving Keith, but I wasn't happy and I cried a lot. But it's great now. So just because you're going through a rough patch doesn't mean that it will always be that way.

Today I want to share something I wrote to some people on an internet thread, where they were talking about verbally abusive or just plain mean spouses. Their husbands and wives never said anything positive, lectured them constantly, belittled them, even when they were highly successful and capable individuals. They were finding themselves completely contemptuous of their spouses now, and everything their spouses did bothered them, because of this verbal negativity that was always coming from them. It poisoned everything.

What do you do?

Here's my answer, and I'll edit it a bit so it's more generic.

Sometimes in marriage we simply are not getting our legitimate needs met. God gave us a need for connection and intimacy. Ultimately that's met in Him, but He also gave us spouses to help with that need. If you live with someone who is very negative, you're likely not getting that need met.

However, too often when we're in this negative cycle we actually start contributing to it by creating a pattern of negative behaviour. Your spouse is negative, and we sit there and take it. We perpetuate it.

But here's the thing about a pattern: there are two ways to change it. Either you can wait for the other person to change (which rarely happens spontaneously, unless they are knocked by a 2x4 from Jesus), or you can change yourself.

Now don't put your back up just yet; when I talk about changing yourself, I don't necessarily mean being what we would call "nicer". Yes, I believe in showing unconditional kindness. Yes, I believe in affection. But at some point in a marriage, that ceases working. In fact, it can become detrimental, because if the person has disconnected from you emotionally, and then you start trying to show them how much you love them, you actually end up looking pathetic (which turns them off even more).

So how do you change? James Dobson, in his book Tough Love, talked about letting a person experience the consequences of their actions. To truly love someone is to want the best for them. If you have a spouse who is very negative, that is not God's best.

It isn't God's best that your husband disparage you, or berate you in front of the kids. What's best is if both spouses learn to truly love each other intimately. So if you are committed to that--committed to loving your husband, committed to honouring the marriage, and committed to seeing that marriage become healthy--you have to make some changes.

These changes that I'm going to talk about won't work if you're angry or out to get your spouse. They won't work if you're thinking leaving is the better solution. If you keep that anger and that bitterness, the changes will create a "now it's your turn to see how it feels" pattern, and that's even worse. But if you dedicate yourself to God's best for your marriage and for yourself, you just may find that things change.

So have that out with God first, and let go of your anger so that your primary focus is on loving your husband, and your marriage, towards health.

Sometimes when you're the target of negativity, it's hard to imagine ever loving that person again because everything has become so negative. Little things they do now grate on you. Their personality grates. But what I've found is that personality issues are almost always directly related to relationship issues. My husband bites his fingernails. When I'm mad at him, and he does this in public, it drives me nuts. When I'm happy with him, it barely registers. Don't assume that because you don't like a lot about him that you never will again. Work on the relationship, and don't focus on his personality. Your perspective may actually change in time.

So let's deal with the relationship issues, not the personality ones. Have a conversation with your husband in which you tell him that you want your home to be a positive one--with your children, with your relationship--and because of that, you won't participate in conversations that aren't positive. You'll be glad to talk about issues as long as you're working towards a solution and not calling each other names. But you don't want negativity; you want love.

Then, next time he starts lecturing, put your hand gently on his arm, tell him you love him, but tell him that you won't participate in this unless he wants to talk, rather than lecture.

Sometimes we get into this dynamic where we never set boundaries, and then other people walk all over us. That's not healthy. Jesus has boundaries, after all! Show love, yes. Pray for the person. Show kindness to them. But don't encourage them to act in an ungodly way, which you do when you perpetuate negative communication patterns.

Instead, suggest that you spend some time talking about the positive things in your day. If he starts bad-mouthing an acquaintance, tell him you would prefer not to hear negative things about someone else. Keep that up for a while and you've now changed the dynamic in your marriage, and possibly gained some more respect.

When people respect us, they tend to value us more. When they walk all over us, they don't value us (and often that's why sexual attraction goes). Become the person that you want to be, and that God is calling you to be. Then act out that person within your marriage--loving him, but also setting limits. As you do that, you just may find the dynamic changes.

I hope that helps. I know this is really tough. But I don't think just chucking the relationship is the answer, either. Often people chuck the marriage before they realize that they do have within them the opportunity to change the way you relate. So shake things up a bit. Set boundaries. Set limits. Learn to treat yourself with respect, and go to God to help you be the kind of person others will respect. As you do that, you just may find your relationship changing.

My book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, talks a lot about how to regain respect in a marriage. If you're battling with this, I know To Love, Honor and Vacuum can help!

Now, do you have a word of wisdom about marriage? Or a question about marriage? Write your own blog post and put the link in our Mcklinky! We'd love to hear your thoughts!


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At 9:14 AM , Anonymous Kiesha @ Highly Favored said…

You are so right about this. My husband and I have had our share of rough patches that's for sure. But things didn't start improving until I stopped worrying about what he needed to change and started working on myself.
I used to nag, but it doesn't help - I had to just let him receive his own consequences just as you suggest here. Having the opportunity to experience those consequences was a much better teacher. I stopped participating in negative - go now where arguments and focused on staying calm and working towards a solution - when he sees I'm not trying to bash him, he often apologizes and then we begin the process of resolution. But it certainly hasn't always been this way.

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About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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