It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
I have an amazing husband. He's awesome with my girls. He shows me love and affection. He cares about my feelings. He listens to my emotions. He gives me backrubs. He's a great provider.
But he can't get the hang of the fact that you really shouldn't wear a white shirt with beige pants. Fashion is not his strong suit.
The other night at dinner I was looking at his pants, and they had received quite a lot of wear that day. There was dirt on them, and creases, and they were looking rather bad. But then I noticed that these were also his best dress pants. And he had them on with a few-years-old golf shirt that he likes to wear on more casual days to work.
I commented that given the number of perfectly serviceable, cotton pants are in his closet, perhaps it's best not to wear dry-clean-only slacks with casual shirts. He laughed and says that when he gets dressed in the morning, the only question he has about pants are: are they clean? And do they fit? And if they're not clean, but he can wipe something off, that's good enough.
I have realized long ago that my husband will never have the fashion sense that I do. But here's the thing: I like him looking sharp. I like him looking put together. But I have realized that I can't rely on him to do this, because he just doesn't get it. So now every night I get an outfit together for him and put it on his dresser for him to put on in the morning. That way, if he leaves for work early and I don't see him until he gets home for dinner, I don't die of embarrassment because he's been wearing beige with white all day.
I figure you can always spot the married men in a crowd because they look put together. But it tends not to be because they know how to dress. It's because a woman makes sure that they leave home looking presentable.
So you can complain about his fashion sense, or complain that he wears the good pants too often and wears them out, or complain that his tie doesn't match his shirt, or you could just lay out his clothes for him.
Personally, I'd rather lay out his clothes. I like putting outfits together, and he does have nice clothes. He just can't figure out what goes with what.
I think that when your husband looks put together, it reflects well on everybody. I used to do it years ago, but I stopped, and then that night when I noticed his dirty really-expensive pants, I realized it was time to start again. And so I do. It's just what marriage is all about: you get to fill in the holes that he's really bad at, and he fills in the holes that you're really bad at. Rather than being upset at him for not "getting it", just realize that this is who he is, and plug the hole. It's really not a big deal. And why would we want to create someone who's just like us?
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
Modesty is a big "buzz" word on Christian women's blogs. We're all supposed to want to be modest (which I agree with), but often the definition of modesty is something which I find completely unreasonable, and rather off-putting.
A friend of mine, whom I would consider very modest but stylish, took her pre-teen daughter to a mother-daughter event recently. Originally the daughter had been asked to model, but at the last minute they found someone else to fill in in her size, so told her they didn't need her.
My 11-year-old friend was devastated, until she saw the actual fashion show. And then she was so appalled by the clothes that she whispered to her mother: "I'm so glad they didn't ask me to model after all! I'd be so embarrassed if I were up there!"
Now I wasn't at that event, so I didn't see first hand, but apparently the clothes were layered to the nth degree and so long and bulky that they looked like sacks.
I've been on other women's blogs that seem to be pushing the idea that if we're not dressing modestly--and by that they have a very narrow definition of modest--then we're not being Christian. And so I'd like to spell out my philosophy on this, just to inspire debate, and to perhaps free some of you who aren't comfortable with this line of thinking but aren't sure where else to go.
First, I do think modest should mean no cleavage, and no drawing attention to particular parts of the body deliberately. So no super-tight T-shirts, no low-cut shirts that look more like bikini tops, no super short skirts or shorts, and no tank tops (UPDATE:I meant to say tube tops. We here in Canada used to call tube tops tank tops, but I know tank tops are something different now. Sorry for the confusion!). I'd even be careful with sleeveless dresses. For swimming, I'd steer clear of bikinis, and even some one-pieces, and go with some flattering tankinis, which are often prettier and which often have bottoms that go down a little bit further. I find most people look better in these anyway.
But to say much more than that, I think, puts women in a bind, sounds very legalistic, and can be dishonouring to our men.
For instance, I've seen some women say that we should only wear skirts. Really? Personally I wear skirts most of the time in the summer, because finding shorts that fit is difficult, and I love skirts. So I'm not against skirts in the least. But to say that all women should wear skirts because it's more feminine is really strange. A nicely cut pair of jeans with a pretty blouse in my opinion is far more feminine than a shapeless denim skirt.
Similarly, to say that one can't wear any pants that fit well because they would draw attention to one's *ahem* behind is thus saying that we should all wear sacks. Now I certainly don't think that we should wear tight clothes. But there is a difference between tight and clothes that simply fit. My daughter told me about a blog post she read on a popular teenage girl blog that said that if you can't pinch your pants and find a few inches, it's too tight. How many girls are really going to follow that?
But here's another question: do we really want to give the impression that Christians are dowdy spoilsports, because that seems to be what we're doing. As a married Christian woman, I feel that my responsibility is to dress modestly but fashionably. I want my husband to be proud of me, and if I were only wearing denim skirts with button down blouses, he would not be proud to take me out in public. I would stand out like a sore thumb. And so I go out of my way to try to wear things that are pretty and flattering but that don't cling too much, show cleavage, or come up too high on the thigh.
I think sometimes that the Christian wives who advocate the long, shapeless skirt look with the baggy t-shirt forget something. The rationale for dressing modestly is that because men are visually stimulated, we shouldn't dress to stimulate them. Okay so far.
But if we admit that men are visually stimulated, then don't we also owe it to our husbands to look our best? And how many husbands like walking around with wives who are dressed in shapeless clothes?
Now, I know many of the people who advocate wearing skirts do not wear shapeless ones, and I'm not trying to say that you're wrong. I think longer skirts can still be fashionable, if they're cut correctly, and you can wear lovely shaped blouses to go with them that do flatter your figure.
For instance, the True Femininity blog, written by a 21-year-old, has an "Outfit of the Day" recurring theme where she shows a modest but fashionable outfit. Here's one from June:
Lovely. But many of the "skirts only" blogs that I've read, and that my daughter has seen, really do advocate skirts resembling potato sacks, that look as if they were bought in thrift stores.
I don't think that's the image that Christians should be presenting. Why not just look fashionable, attractive, and fun, without trying to look sexy? Looking like you put some care into your appearance says that you respect yourself and you respect your husband.
My friend Terry, over at Breathing Grace, wrote a post recently where she said that her standard of beauty is her husband. She wears what he likes, because he's the one that really matters, and I like that conviction. Sometimes when we think about all this "modesty" stuff, I think we do it without male input. We say we're trying to protect men by not being tempting, but I wonder how many of the wives have ever asked their husbands honestly if they like the "sack" look, or if they would prefer that their wives be a little more attractive? I think many women get caught up in this "modesty" movement online, and in their little cliques, and they barge right ahead without asking the guys.
Finally, there's one other thing that concerns me, and this is perhaps the largest issue. This world is in desperate need of help. All around us families are breaking up, debt is ruining people's lives, addictions are taking over. And that's only in the neighbourhood. On a worldwide scale, wars are being fought, persecution is rampant, and injustice abounds.
This world needs Christians to become engaged, to be good role models, and to be outspoken (in a gentle way) for what is right. That means that we have to be people that others respect. We need to be people that others will look at and admire. And I don't think that it's flighty of me to say that part of that admiration will be tied in to how we look. If we show up looking like we have never cut our hair (let alone put conditioner in it) and as if we are wearing sacks, then why would people want to listen to us?
When you dress that way and present yourself that way, you make your world smaller. You tend to retreat into your family or your church because that is safe, and that is where you fit in. You don't fit into the wider world anymore.
That's not right. We need people who will speak up and who will be role models. We need to stop shrinking. Certainly retreating is easier and less messy, but it is not what we are called to be. We are called to be "in" the world. We don't let its values dictate ours; we don't follow after the world's idols. But we must still be "in" it. We must not shrink our own world, and that is what we do when we adopt too narrow a definition of what is acceptable clothing.
So what would I recommend? If you're married, talk to your husband about what sort of dress he considers modest and fashionable. Take a friend with you who is fashionable and go shopping and get some clothes that actually fit. Get a nice haircut (you can go to a haircutting school if you can't afford a salon). Treat your body as if you respect it, not as if you're ashamed of it. And let's stop using Christianity as an excuse to look dowdy.
Fashionable and feminine while still being modest. That, I think, is what we should be doing. And, by the way, there's really nothing wrong with a good pair of jeans!
UPDATE:I'm just going to chime into the comments now (it's Sunday morning). I've been away with my hubby for a few days, and I missed all the discussion! Sorry.
I don't have time to post a bunch this morning because I'm off to our homeschooling track meet, but someone sent me this link and I just have to share it.
I've been wondering lately about current fashions and whether they really are modest and proper. I've been having a hard time with the low rise pants, because I think they show way too much (plus, on most people they're not that attractive).
And I always believed that T-shirts shouldn't be form fitting. Oh, and showing your bra straps? A definite no no. Not quite as bad as showing one's underwear, including a camisole, but definitely bad. One should never give even a hint of lace.
But in the last year I've tossed almost all of those missives out the window because that's just what fashion is. I've started wearing much more form fitting clothing, and I put camisoles under V-neck shirts, and I wear some low-rise pants (though I try to get them as high as possible). And my daughters do, too.
For the current fashions, we're still pretty modest. But if five years ago you had shown me a picture of what I was wearing, or what I allowed my daughters to wear, I would have been appalled. Almost all fashions go in the face of what we've been taught about modesty.
Please understand--we never show cleavage or belly buttons, and we wear long shirts. It's really just the form fitting aspect that bothers me!
Anyway, here's a link to a modesty survey that was done recently. They asked men and teenage boys what they thought was modest, and it's interesting. Take a gander. I'd love to keep talking about this tomorrow. So if there's anything you see there that's really outrageous, or really insightful, leave it in the comments! Just go here for the survey.
Oh, and I'm working on that reading list I promised!
Every now and then I want to just vent on this blog.
And so today I shall vent about long pants.
A while ago I took a bunch of pants to the seamstress to have them hemmed. She pinned them up, and I looked down and thought she had done nothing. You see, I use the word "up" loosely. They weren't pinned up at all. They were still almost touching the ground.
And I asked, shouldn't those be higher? And she looked at me like I was from Mars. "Oh, no. You want them resting on the top of the toe, so that if you wear heels they elongate your leg." Of course they do. We wouldn't want to have stubby legs, after all.
Somehow, without me noticing it, over the last few years fashion has changed, so that pants are now supposed to represent a serious health hazard and a serious dirt hazard.
You see, pants hemmed that high may look great that way if you're wearing heels, but if you're not, they look ridiculous. And the bottoms get horrendously dirty outside, especially if you live in a slushy climate like mine.
To make it worse, when you come inside, if you take your shoes off altogether you're walking on your pants all day. I think this is a problem, but I seem to be the only one because everyone is still hemming their pants so long.
I think we need to start a reverse fashion trend and start hemming them up just an inch or two higher. It doesn't need to be drastic; it just needs to be high enough that we don't kill ourselves tripping. Is that so much to ask?
It's Wednesday, which means it's time to think about marriage!
Last week Terry over at Ornaments of Grace was talking about wardrobe in a wonderfully honest and humorous post. Here's part of what she said:
The other morning as I was getting dressed the husband said to me: “You need to go buy some clothes.” I responded that I really didn’t want to spend money on clothes. To which he responded, “Buy some clothes.” That’s all he said. He’s a man of few words. I got a little concerned because while I knew that I was well overdue for a shopping trip (aren’t MOST moms?), I didn’t think I was so horribly dressed as to be commanded to buy clothes and buy them now! Being the open minded gal that I am I decided to take a second look in the mirror. I was in my standard weekday uniform: jeans, t-shirt, and flip flops. It was at this moment I noted my problem.
For the record, the problem wasn’t the blue jeans per se. My husband rather likes the way I look in a pair of jeans. The problem was the lack of effort apparent in the t-shirt, flip flops, ponytail, and no make-up that accompanied the blue jeans. I had become a carbon copy of the jeans, t-shirt, and birkenstock wearing soccer moms typical in my suburban neighborhood. What's worse, I'd promised myself years ago that I would never do that. Of course, I felt that way for all the wrong reasons, being fashion conscious back then, but I felt it nonetheless. You may remember me telling you before, I hate uniforms!
Go read the whole thing.
Terry brings up something we all need to think about. Men are visually stimulated. We may think that's stupid, or silly, or shallow, but they are. We can't change that. And I think every man wants to feel that other guys are jealous of him. He wants his wife to be good-looking, and supportive, and a good mom, and fun, and all kinds of things. All of those are important. But I want to talk about our appearances first.
Do you take trouble about what you look like, or are you totally overwhelmed? This week we finally took the trouble to put all our family portraits on the wall, and it is amazing how awful I looked when the kids were young compared to what I look like today. Today I have time to put on makeup, and do my hair, and dress well. I didn't then.
Or did I? Maybe I just didn't make it as much a priority. I have other friends who managed to do it. I wish, looking back, that I had taken more care about my appearance then, because I probably would have had more confidence, too.
Terry also mentions that we often get dressed up on the weekends, when we're heading out, then on the weekdays, when we're just home with the kids. But who should we be dressing up for? Shouldn't it be our husbands? And isn't it fun to make yourself look good?
When I speak to women, I use a "Nightgown" prop. It's hideous. It's oversized, it's flannel, and it leaves everything to the imagination. They say a little mystery is a good thing; this is way too much. When I hold it up, everyone laughs, and everyone gets the picture. Of course, some people wear flannel like this because their husbands insist on keeping the house at 50 degrees at night, and to those men, I like to say, "if you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually turn the heat up." But for the rest of us, what do you wear to bed? Do you take care to wear something attractive? Or do you just look dumpy? Because if you look dumpy, you'll feel dumpy, too.
My daughters and I love watching What Not to Wear, and I think what we love most about it is the personality transformations by the end of the show. These women, who were docile and passive, have become assertive because they know they look good. There's something to that. When we put in the effort, our whole demeanor changes.
So what do you do if your closet is full of clothes but you don't look good in any of them? Get rid of them. It's better to have five outfits that make you feel wonderful than thirty that make you feel awful. It doesn't matter if you bought it on sale. It doesn't matter if you've had it forever. Chuck it.
Spend some real money on fewer clothes, rather than a little money on tons of things on sale. Or go shopping at consignment stores, where they sell second hand designer clothes. I've picked up a ton of things there, and the owners of such places are often very helpful about putting things together.
Now, what about make up? Maybe you're not a make-up person, but I think a little lipstick never hurt anyone. And remember, everyone should be wearing some sunscreen foundation or moisturizer everyday anyway, so you may as well put something on your face!
As for hair, go get a really good cut that suits you. If you can't afford it, try one of the beauty salon schools in your area. They're often cheaper, though they take longer. And you can have a friend highlight your hair. It can be like you're teenagers again!
What about weight? Let's get honest here for a minute. Women gain weight. We just do, especially after pregnancy. We're not meant to be size 6 forever, and I think slightly pear shaped is our natural shape after 40. But that doesn't mean that we should just accept it and eat whatever we want. I think we owe it to ourselves to watch what we eat and get a little active, even if it just means taking a brisk walk every night after dinner to talk with our hubby. You don't need to be super-thin; and what makes a woman attractive is often her attitude. Dress in nice clothes and feel confident, and twenty or thirty pounds won't matter as much. One hundred will, though.
Perhaps this post seems like I'm nagging all of you, and I don't mean that. I just think that if women put as much effort in looking good for our husbands as we do for strangers, our marriages would be infinitely better. And we'd have awfully happy husbands!
What about you? Do you have any marriage advice you want to share? Simply copy the picture at the top by right clicking it and saving it, and then write your own post. Come on back over here and enter the URL below. I'd love to hear what you have to say!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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