We sang "How He Loves Us" in church today, and it reminded me of this awesome and cute video. So here's something to make you smile on a Sunday afternoon!
I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday. It's worth reading if you like enjoying other people's humiliation.
But first, a little background so you can understand the scenario.
I'm writing The Good Girl's Guide to Sex, which was due in at the publisher's on the 15th, in the middle of my speaking tour in Alberta. I got it off, but a few days later my editor got back to me to say that she'd like to see some of the "Good Girl's Dares" that I'd offered to write: short little fun things that wives can do to spice things up.
Now it so happened that on the day she asked I also had two different columns due and a lot of travel time, and very little time in a hotel with a computer. So I decided to write them on my Blackberry in the car. I did, and when we arrived in Cold Lake, I copied them and pasted them into an email on my Blackberry which I then sent to myself so I could edit them on my computer and send them off. That's background one.
Here's background two: my Blackberry is new and I hadn't figured out how to lock it. It kept calling my husband by accident, for instance.
Now, here's my yesterday: my girls are in a Bible quizzing invitational tournament down in New York. We left early so we could meet up with some friends who are also quizzers at a big mall, so the teenage girls could shop for a few hours before the meet. I took my friend Kathy's cell number so I could text her when we got there and we could meet up. Which is what I did.
Kathy then gave her cell phone to her 15-year-old daughter, and the five teenage girls (including my two) went off together, while Kathy and I explored.
An hour later I looked down at my cell phone only to see, to my horror, my list of rather explicit things wives could do to spice things up. It had been texted. To Kathy's phone. Which our daughters had.
When I realized what I had done, I yelled out for Kathy, and in horror explained what I had just sent her daughter. She took it much better than I did.
When we met up with the girls we got their take. I guess they read about five before they decided they had better stop. Rebecca figured it had something to do with my book and thought it was funny. Kathy's daughter thought it was hilarious. The other mom with us wanted me to text it to her, too. But my youngest just said I had a dirty mind.
Let me reiterate: Bible quizzing. Teenage girls. Marriage sex dares. How do I get myself into these things? Here's one of the tamer ones: If you find yourself too tired at night, have fun in the morning! Surprise him in the shower and soap each other up!
The rest are way more explicit--fine if you're married; but what teenage girl wants to picture their parents doing that?
At least they know I have fun....
I have since figured out how to lock my Blackberry.
To all my American friends, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
And to make you smile on this day, I present another video rendition of the Hallelujah chorus. This one is just hilarious. The impromptu one from Tuesday was touching and brought tears to your eyes. This one will, too, but for a different reason:
For the next few months I'm going to be busy writing a book, so I'll try to have thoughtful posts up on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm going to post funny things I find on the internet. I just don't have enough time to write everyday, so I hope that's okay, dear readers!
Anyway, this happened in a town in Ontario last week close to where I live. It's a must see:
I don't have time to write a long post today, but for your viewing pleasure, I present this hilarious video on how to get out of debt fast. It's got one simple tip. See if you can pick it up:
Today I thought I'd offer a hodgepodge of stuff that I like from around the web for you to look at!
1. We must use our knitting powers for good, and not for evil. Take a look at these hilarious knits for men that probably were largely responsible for the acceleration in the divorce rate during the early 70s! (Warning: some language in the text, but it's mostly the pictures you're looking at!)
2. Someone had way too much time on their hands. But if your kids like gummy bears, they'll like Gummi Bear Transplants!
3. For some reason I just love this craft idea! Paint old baking tins for storage. I've asked my girls to do this for me for my birthday, so I have a place for my Bible, pencil crayons, a pen, and my journal for when I do my devotions.
5. Interesting recipe for homemade liquid laundry soap. I'm actually thinking of trying this! Anyone else do it?
6. Bribery strikes out. They tried paying parents to be better parents. Didn't work.
7. This really is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's a video of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" with the words being the literal version of the picture on the screen. Warning: There's one really bad line. But I just can't help laughing at the rest of it. I wish they'd just left the line out (it's near the end, if you want to just watch the first three minutes).
Have anything else you want to share? Leave it in the comments!
Blogging buddy Tracey reminded me of that recently in her post "When I was a Kid...", reflecting on how easy kids have it today. 'Twas quite hilarious. Here's a snippet:
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
I remember cartoon Saturdays. I loved Scooby Doo, but Scrappy Doo spoiled it for me. What else do I remember?
I remember heating up leftover Kraft Dinner in a frying pan because there were no microwaves.
I remember seeing a movie in a theatre that I loved--and then never getting to see that movie again unless it happened to be an ABC "Movie of the Week". And if it was, you know that they cut tons out so that it fit neatly into two hours, with commercials.
I remember wearing jumpsuits that fell to the bathroom floor when you had to go because some adults thought jumpsuits looked hip.
I remember never having anything to do on Sunday afternoons because my friends were busy with families, and there was nothing on TV.
I remember TV with circle dials that you had to turn to find a station. And there were only four.
I remember having to dial a telephone, too. No automatic dial or touchpads for us.
I even remember party lines, when you couldn't make a call if your neighbour was on the phone. Adn I remember busy signals. As a teenager, all my friends' phones were always busy (I think they were avoiding me). And I couldn't just pop up in their MSN or Facebook chat box, or call them on Skype to get their attention, either.
What about you? What do you remember? How have things changed since you were a kid? Let me know!
Since I was on vacation for two weeks and missed posting my weekly columns, I thought I'd post the last missed one today, to get caught up before the new one's out tomorrow. So here it is! It ran last week in a bunch of papers. Hope you enjoy!
As summer winds down, I would like to share with you several things that have perplexed me.
Why is it that when it’s a gorgeous outside, stores and restaurants insist on setting the air conditioning to sub-zero temperatures? We leave the house donning shorts and T-shirts, and yet when we step foot into a mall we need a sweater. Perhaps it’s to lure us into buying fall clothing, but the cold keeps me away—and keeps me from spending much money—in these summer months.
Instead, I spent this summer avoiding malls in three provinces and four states on various roadtrips. And during these car excursions I found something else that confused me: road signs.
In residential areas all over Maine and New Hampshire anyone with a disability is singled out. “Blind Person” and “Deaf Person” signs abounded. I suppose it helps us drivers be more mindful, but it reminds me of those taunting children in middle school laughing at the kid who’s different.
Nevertheless, I understand that these signs, though they may be read suspiciously, are a public good. The “Slow Children at Play” signs, though, seem to take mocking to the extreme. Isn’t that a little insulting of these poor kids? We hear in education circles how we’re not supposed to label children, and yet here the government is, pointing out where “slow” children play.
Perhaps you think I’m misunderstanding the sign. The “Slow” must be a verb! As in: “Slow! Children at Play”. Your interpretation may be plausible, but I know the government would never do something silly like leave out an absolutely essential punctuation mark, thereby completely changing the meaning of their sign. The government is an entity with which we trust our tax dollars, and we know that they care for us ever so well.
As perplexed as I was by the slow children, though, I was even more flabbergasted at Maine’s insistence that we “Handicap Children”. Do we get extra points if we run down kids? Americans must have very different values than we Canadians do. Or perhaps it’s a golf term?
Again, there is another explanation. They may have meant, “HandicapPED Children”, but I doubt it. The government would never print up thousands of signs where they used a verb instead of an adjective, thereby altering their well-meaning sign into something rather malicious. You must have more faith in government than that!
One of the weirdest signs I saw, though, was: “Reduce Speed in Inclement Weather”. I assume they’re telling us that when the weather is bad, you shouldn’t go too fast, but you’d have to be an idiot not to know that. I think we can rule out the idea that the signs were aimed at idiots, though, because idiots would not understand the world “Inclement”. Have you ever used that word in a sentence? And how do you say it, anyway? IN-clement? In-CLE-ment? Who knows?
But the government stuck that word in there, so obviously the sign is not aimed at the intellectually challenged. And it can’t be aimed at smart people, either, because smart people don’t need to be told to slow down. Therefore, it must simply be aimed at themselves. After all, if public servants think we should handicap children and mock kids who don’t learn real good, then perhaps they also need to be reminded to hit the brakes in a snowstorm.
Luckily, those snowstorms are still a few months off. But if you’re missing the winter, head to a mall. Just please be careful not to handicap children on the way.
I came across the recently when I was browsing the internet and I thought it was kind of cute!
"The KidDictionary: A Book of Words Parents Need But Don't Have" - a glossary of words I made up and compiled and designed with photos when I found myself unable to describe a great many of the phenomena predominant in my life owing to the fact that I have children. ie: WISHJACK: To maliciously blow out the candles on another child's birthday cake. KODICK: The child who refuses to cooperate in the taking of a family photograph INVISIBOOBOO (in-VIZ-uh-boo-boo) n: – The site on a child’s body where you unnecessarily applied a Band-Aid to appease them when they got hurt, though did not bleed. THREEMAGEDDON (three-muh-GED-in)–n.: The supposed hellfire and brimstone that would erupt should an annoyed mother reach the third digit while counting aloud to 3 to get a non-compliant child to get his act together.. “ONE !….TWOOOOOOO !!!!….. ”
And one of my favourites: SNOOT: to suck in rather than blow out when you blow your nose. My kids always did that, too!
Let's see if I can come up with some:
LISS: When your 18 month old comes to kiss you, but instead of making that smack sound she just licks and drools all over your face instead.
Or how about:
FAMILYSCARETRAIT: The annual family portrait taken every Christmas, where you may be smiling, but in the background you're squeezing your son's shoulder to keep him from moving and you've got your knee into your toddler's back to prevent her from jumping up and down, all after you lectured them up and down that they must look good for this or else.
Just got sent this in an email, and I had to share it. I hope I'm not infringing on someone's copyright!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
I swear I write about things other than marriage! But it seems like marriage has been the topic of the last few weeks, what with my party and all.
And since Valentine's Day is just around the corner, my syndicated column today is also about marriage! Every Friday my Reality Check column appears in a variety of newspapers, and here it is for you to see!
My family has a ritual we perform whenever the phone rings. First, we freeze. Then all of us, from various parts of the house, yell simultaneously, “Where’s the phone!?!?”. Everybody then runs randomly, wildly, in all directions, trying to trace down the source of the ring. After dashing madly upstairs and downstairs, rummaging under cushions and papers, and looking through the laundry, someone finally locates one of our three portable phones. By this time it is too late. So we check messages instead.
And then the girls and I experience The Lecture from my frustrated husband. It goes something like this: “There are three phones in this house and three floors. One phone per floor. If everybody just put the phone back on its cradle when they used it, we wouldn’t have to panic!”. And we all hang our heads in appropriate shame.
But I think the problem isn’t only that I leave things lying around the house; it’s that Keith doesn’t understand women. When he talks on the phone, he talks on the phone. That’s all he’s doing. It’s easy for him to put it back! When I talk on the phone, I’m chatting with a friend. And making dinner. And folding laundry, checking my email, making my bed, and occasionally even trying to get dressed. When I’m finished the phone call, I’m never anywhere near the phone’s cradle. If Keith multi-tasked like me, he’d understand.
Nevertheless, I have some sympathy for him, because I’m starting to realize that some of the things that I get upset at him about are really my issues. Imagine that it’s a Saturday morning, and we’re planning to go cross-country skiing with the kids. As soon as I wake, I start to list in my head all the things that need to be prepared: the kids have to find their snow pants, and I know Rebecca’s been missing a snow glove since last month; we need to pack a bag with water and some snacks, and we’d better bring some extra scarves and hats in case we get too wet. A few band-aids wouldn’t hurt, either. Obviously we’ll have to do the dinner dishes from last night, since we all know I can’t leave dishes in the sink if I’m leaving the house. And since we’re going out anyway, we may as well go by the library, because the books are due on Monday!
I go in search of my family, who are downstairs playing the Wii, having a grand old time. My blood pressure starts to rise. Do they expect me to do everything? Then I discover they haven’t even had breakfast yet. Why was Keith just playing with the kids instead of giving them their marching orders?
Yet no matter how much I may wish it, they are never going to have all the stuff that goes into keeping a family together in their heads the way it is in mine. And maybe that’s okay. We all have different roles to play. When it comes to the kids, I’m more like the General. I’m scanning for threats, planning future battles, and mapping out supply routes. Keith, on the other hand, is the crusty sergeant. Usually he’s just goofing around with the troops, but when there’s a specific task to do, he can bark orders with the best of them.
What I’ve learned is that when we have a big day ahead of us, I just need to communicate to my husband all the things I think need to get done. He crosses off what’s unnecessary, talks me down, and then organizes the rest. Instead of fuming at him for not thinking about it in the first place, I’ve started sharing the load. It works so much better.
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and as much as we may yearn for a romantic fairytale, the truth is that regular life often conspires to tear us apart. Yet we have two choices: we can keep blaming the other person for not acting more like we do, or we can accept that we’re different, and love despite it all. I think the latter works so much better. After all, if it weren’t for my husband, I never would find the phone.
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This is going around the web, and it is too funny. I just had to post it.
And here's the note the mom wrote to the teacher the next day:
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely, Mrs. Smith
Isn't that awesome? Kids can get you in a lot of trouble...
...My book giveaway! Every month I send a free book to whichever blog owner blogrolls me and then sends the most number of visitors to my site! So all you have to do is add my to your blog roll in your side column and you're eligible! I can check the winner easily to see who lands here, so why don't you try it? Last month Sophie from The Walcott Weekly won, and she loves her book! We have a new blog in the running this month, but I'll let you know on December 1!
...and don't forget my podcasts! They're really quite funny, and they're short! Subscribe for free through iTunes (search for To Love, Honor and Vacuum), or pick and choose what to listen to here.
...and why not subscribe? If you land here a lot and don't want to miss anything, just click on the link at the bottom of this post to add me to your feeds. If you're not sure what feeds are, click it anyway. It will show you, and a whole new world will become yours!
...and finally, do you twitter? I do! You can follow me here!
And you can join me on Facebook, too! Just search for "Sheila Wray Gregoire" and add me. Leave a note that you landed there through my blog!
Okay, that's it for now. I'm sitting in a hotel room on the road from a Girls Night Out tour, which went really well last night. I have another one tonight. So I'm getting a ton of work done keeping up my main website and organizing this blog. I have to edit a few things today and write another article, but I'm optimistic I'll get a ton done!
And the nicest thing? When I went to get dressed this morning, I realized that my youngest daughter had hidden some of her Hallowe'en chocolate in my clothes for me to find while I was way. Isn't that sweet? She knows chocolate gets to me.
Speaking of chocolate, for those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's video from my Girls Night Out tour. This is my favourite clip. It's pretty funny:
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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