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Wifey Wednesday: The Building Blocks

So many movies today have everything backwards. The couple sleeps together, and then they decide if they want to be together. They start hanging out to see if they really click. In other words, the sex comes first. The relationship is built on sex.

In reality, sex is a reflection of other parts of your relationship. It isn't the base. You cannot build a relationship on sex. You need companionship, spiritual intimacy, and trust first.

So if your sex life isn't stellar, it probably isn't because of sex. It's probably a sign that there's something wrong with other parts of your relationship.

And in the same vein, if you want your sex life to improve, you should probably concentrate on other things first.

Now that's the opposite of what most advice in secular bookstores will tell you. They'll try to get you to try the latest sex toys, or the latest techniques, or whatever. Don't. That's not the point. What you need to do instead is build the other parts of your relationship. Work on your friendship, so that you feel companionable, and want to be together. Connect with each other on an emotional basis throughout the day and throughout the week. But most of all, work on your spiritual intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy and sexual intimacy are very closely linked. Often the times I feel the most amorous towards my husband are after we've prayed together. There is something about coming to God together that makes you want to really connect in other ways. And yes, I'm being serious! I know it's hard to think about God and sex in the same sentence, but He did make it and He does know what you're doing. So you don't have to be embarrassed!

Anyway, I think this has repercussions for how we handle sexual differences and difficulties. Sex is never the cause of anything; it is only the reflection of other problems. If you want to rebuild your relationship, don't focus on anything sexual. Focus instead on the spiritual.

Pray with your husband. If he doesn't want to pray with you, then at night, while you're lying in bed, put a hand on his head and whisper prayers. Read a Psalm out loud before you go to sleep. Read Song of Solomon together.

And if your problem in your marriage is that your husband seems distant to you in every way, work on your own relationship with God, too. You grow close to God, and go to Him with your very legitimate needs for sexual fulfillment and intimacy, and He will help you with those needs. And your husband will likely see the difference.

I truly believe the best thing a couple can do for their sex life is to do a Bible study together. I know it sounds insane, but I'm speaking from experience.

So what do you think? How do you build your spiritual intimacy, especially with a husband who doesn't feel like being a spiritual leader? I'd really like your insights!

Unfortunately, Mr. Linky isn't being reliable at the moment, so we'll have to leave links in the comments section. But if you want to participate in Wifey Wednesday, just write your own post on your blog, link back to here, and then come on over and write in the comments the link to your post. And then you'll build your own blog traffic!

Need more resources for your marriage? Here are some you may find helpful:
Light My Fire: Audio download on how to enhance the romance quotient in your marriage
To Love, Honor and Vacuum

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At 11:02 AM , Blogger Luanne said…

It neve occured to me that doing a bible study together would create more intamacy and it makes complete sense!!! This is something I would like to try.

I am going to think about a topic for wifey wednesday for next week! A good challenge to inproving my marriage. Thank you!


At 12:09 PM , Blogger Susieqtpie said…

Your writings are always right on! I love reading them. Our life is like a triangle. Jesus at the top point and each one of us -husband & wife- out to the other two points. You need all 3 to make it work.
My husband is the pastor and I LOVE his bible studies. When I miss one I feel like something is not right that week.


At 2:20 PM , Blogger Cheri Gregory said…

Great points! You are so right -- problems with sex are rarely about sex!

For way too many years, I expected my husband to meet my needs. I poured energy into trying him to "complete me."

It wasn't until I realized that the only One who will meet my needs, the only One in whom I will be complete, is not my oh-so-human husband (who is married to an oh-so-human wife!)

When my perspective changed (as Jones in The Noticer would say!) my marriage changed.

Wrote about it today:


At 2:29 PM , Blogger Kris said…

Wow....I think I'm your newest biggest fan lol!!


At 3:26 PM , Blogger Berji's domain said…

great points... our only problem is that if we do a bible study or reading right before bed we will get into a long discussion and then be too tired for sex at that point- we have to work around that :)


At 5:45 PM , Blogger { jamie } said…

Very true! I was married & divorced; both of us were Christian but didn't do a thing to put Christ at the center of our marriage. I am remarried to a man who has also learned that lesson the hard way, & though we're far from perfect, our marriage is SO different because we do make a priority of our relationship with Christ!


At 5:48 PM , Blogger K_dubzzz said…

Thank you for including suggestions for women who are having to be spiritual leaders!

I feel like I am constantly trying to find what I can do. I always hear, "Pray with your husband" or "My husband and I went to church". It can seriously be crushing and sometimes very lonely to be the leader in the home.

Thank you again!


At 1:07 AM , Blogger Stacy said…

Amen and amen again! I SO needed to hear this. I'm bookmarking this (and sending a link to my husband).


At 10:37 AM , Blogger Mélanie said…

You are so honest when you talk about marriage - I love it! I wrote a blog post called Marriage, Romance and Kids last Tuesday (okay - not a Wednesday, but now I know!) Regardless, it's stuff that needs to be talked about! Thanks for this post!


At 10:39 AM , Blogger Mélanie said…

Oops - my link didn't show up in the last comment... that "Marriage, Romance and Kids" blog post is at:


At 11:04 AM , Anonymous Robin said…

My comment started getting a big long and sounding like a I backed up and blogged it instead. A day late (but I had to fix the meal for church yesterday)...

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About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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