Over at Ornaments of Grace, Terry is on a roll because she is upset over the latest survey that came out saying 25% of American female teens--and 50% of African American female teens--have an STD.
What are we going to do about it?
There was a Redbook study a few years ago that found that early sexual activity wasn't good for women, but not just because of STD's. It found that women who had been sexually active at 15 were far less likely to have happy marriages and satisfying sex lives later in life than those who had waited. In the wrong context, then, sex can shatter our spirits, and give us baggage that will affect future relationships.
Yet people have a difficult time articulating this to our children in part, I think, because we’ve been told that sexual experimentation cannot and should not be interfered with. And while I may believe that God made sex only for marriage, most don't want to admit that. They don't want to admit there are rules, and they don't want to have to curb their own behaviour. And there really is no reason to tell kids not to have sex unless there is also a reason that adults shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. So the only thing left to adults to do is to tell kids to "just be safe". As if that's all that is important.
This reminds me of a story a male teacher friend once relayed to me. A 14-year-old girl asked him privately if she should have sex with her boyfriend. The teacher asked, "what did your parents say?". She replied, "that I should do what I think is best." He quickly extricated himself from this compromising situation, but here’s what he was thinking. If she had wanted to have sex, she would have done so. She would not have asked her parents, and she would not have asked him. She was looking for a responsible adult to tell her it was okay to say no. Instead, everyone was telling her they expected her to say yes, even though deep inside she didn’t want to.
When we give kids the "safe sex" message, we’re essentially saying, "we know you’re going to do it anyway, so use a condom". We give kids the impression that the pull for sex can’t be resisted, so everybody must be doing it. Even adults I respect expect me to say yes! I’d have to be a freak to say no.
Yet it’s a myth that teenagers aren’t able to wait. Our grandparents’ generation largely waited until the wedding night. We may believe that older people never fought these hormonal urges, but I bet the senior citizens out there could tell us a different story.
Counselling teens to wait isn’t teaching them to be ashamed of sex; it’s teaching them to give it the honour and importance that it deserves. It’s elevating making love, not maligning it. After all, little in life will have more long-term physical, emotional and spiritual consequences than what you do with your body. It may be uncomfortable to talk about such things with teens, but we need to try. We can’t control our children, but we can make it more likely that they’ll choose a certain path. Remember, that path is better. It is more fulfilling. And our kids deserve to have us point the way.
I'm honored that you linked to my little blog. And you make some excellent points. You're right that adults by and large aren't honest with kids about the realities of sex because they don't want to curb their own behavior.
I work in the Communicable Disease section of the Health Department, so unfortunately, I see so many young men and women who have been infected with an STD, or two.... The age group affected most by gonorrhea and chlamydia in St. Louis is 13-24. It is so sad. So many youth don't receive any guidance or education on the topic of sex. I couldn't agree with you more- that we need to tell our children that is ok (and right!) to say no. Thanks for sharing this post!!!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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I'm honored that you linked to my little blog. And you make some excellent points. You're right that adults by and large aren't honest with kids about the realities of sex because they don't want to curb their own behavior.