I write here every week on marriage. I talk at marriage conferences at marriage. I really think that the only way our country and our communities will be turned around is by families sticking it out and deciding to love each other. And that's my primary calling in this life: giving people the resources and encouragement to work on their marriage, while pointing them to the One who can help.
But every now and then I know there are marriages that cannot survive in their current form, and I don't want people to think that I'm telling you that you have to stick to it, no matter what. I'm quite aware that for some people, that may not be a good or even godly decision. So I'd like to just address some of those really hard issues right now.
If your husband is abusive towards you or the children, you have to get out. That doesn't mean the marriage is necessarily over; perhaps God can change him significantly and reconciliation in the future may be possible. But that would have to be a long road, after he had counseling, and had made major changes. And you would have to have partners who would hold him and you accountable to make sure it didn't happen again. I think this is the exception rather than the rule. Abusive husbands are dangerous, and to say that we should stay is just not right.
I also had a friend who had to leave a marriage because her husband was addicted to gambling, and would gamble all their money away. She had no choice if she wanted to provide a stable upbringing for her children, where they could be assured of having money for food.
Addictions of any kind are dangerous. Addictions to alcohol, drugs, or pornography can also destroy a marriage. And affairs are serious. If your husband has had affairs, or is a compulsive pornography user, you may have to get out.
You are not, however, alone. God, I believe, is especially close to those who are broken hearted and betrayed, and He gives you strength you never knew you had. Leaving a relationship like this can be so difficult, especially as a Christian, because chances are you've been covering for him with everyone for years. The kids don't know there are problems; your parents don't know there are problems; your friends think everything is fine. And then you leave, and it's as if you've dropped a bomb. But if it's the right decision, you don't need to feel guilty. If God is leading you in that direction, He will help and He will pave the way.
But separating yourself from your husband does not mean the marriage is necessarily over. Sometimes you need to take drastic action to help him see the consequences of his actions.
The absolute best book on this is Love Must be Tough by James Dobson.
In it, he talks directly to spouses, and especially women, who want their marriages saved, but their husbands are destroying the marriage by their actions. And he shows them that staying in the marriage and the house, trying to woo him back and change his behaviour, will surely backfire. Instead, if the infraction is big enough, you have to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. And in taking these steps, you precipitate a crisis, making it more likely that he will address his issues.
So let's keep this in perspective. If you're mad at your husband and he's been drunk once, that doesn't mean he's an alcoholic and you have to leave. If he was caught with pornography once, and he's agreed to parental controls on the computer, you don't necessarily have to get out. But if these things have been continuous, ongoing, and growing worse, you may have to take action.
God wants marriages saved. But He doesn't want you abused or put in a dangerous situation. He doesn't want your kids hurt. And He doesn't want infidelity.
I hope nobody reading this post needs Dobson's book, but I know there are some who do. My prayers are with you as you navigate this most difficult time in your life. And always remember, you are not alone.
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a compassionate post for those going through divorce and feeling so alone. It reminds of the time many years ago when a woman came to me saying she was divorcing her husband. My first inclination was to make a preconceived judgment of her when she was adamant that there would be absolutely no reconciling. I couldn't fathom any reason that one wouldn't want to try and save their marriage.
It was her alarming words that made me have to think twice, "My husband says you are going to hate him when you hear the reason why." To this day, I still feeling like vomiting when I remember how distraught and the undeserving shame this woman was feeling for having to admit her husband was being charged as a sexual predator.
a compassionate post for those going through divorce and feeling so alone. It reminds of the time many years ago when a woman came to me saying she was divorcing her husband. My first inclination was to make a preconceived judgment of her when she was adamant that there would be absolutely no reconciling. I couldn't fathom any reason that one wouldn't want to try and save their marriage.
It was her alarming words that made me have to think twice, "My husband says you are going to hate him when you hear the reason why." To this day, I still feel like vomiting when I remember how distraught and the undeserving shame this woman was feeling for having to admit her husband was being charged as a sexual predator.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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a compassionate post for those going through divorce and feeling so alone. It reminds of the time many years ago when a woman came to me saying she was divorcing her husband. My first inclination was to make a preconceived judgment of her when she was adamant that there would be absolutely no reconciling. I couldn't fathom any reason that one wouldn't want to try and save their marriage.
It was her alarming words that made me have to think twice, "My husband says you are going to hate him when you hear the reason why." To this day, I still feeling like vomiting when I remember how distraught and the undeserving shame this woman was feeling for having to admit her husband was being charged as a sexual predator.