I just love all you gals who read me faithfully! It's such a privilege being able to share my thoughts on marriage and family and God with you.
And the last few weeks have been particularly good. I've written about some hard things in marriage, specifically regarding sex, for a few weeks, and the comments have been so honest. It's given me a lot of fodder for more stuff to write about! And I think I see an ebook in my future: Sex Questions You're Afraid to Ask Your Pastor. What do you think?
But what really makes me happy today is the discussion we've had on change in marriage this week. It's just so neat to see how people responded to a commenter who was really having troubles, and then how people went out of their way to encourage her. It shows that blogs really can help people, don't you think?
And then I loved her comments at the end of one post. She said:
By the way, I believe that trying to manipulate a husband is wrong, so I believe it is wrong to change what I am doing as a wife IF it is only so that it will change my husband. My heart needs to be in the right place changing me for GOD.
That's very true. Change should always be about bringing us closer to God, not about manipulation.
But it shows the difficulty in giving people advice on marriage, because there are really fine lines everywhere, aren't there? She's absolutely right. To change just so that your husband will change is wrong. We need to change because that puts us more in line with God.
But sometimes change is necessary just because as men and women we're different. My column for next week that I'm working on right now talks about this. See if you can relate:
Imagine that it’s a Saturday morning, and we’re planning to go cross-country skiing with the kids. After waking up and showering, I start to list out in my head all the things that need to be prepared: the kids have to find their snow pants, and I know Rebecca’s been missing a snow glove since last month; we need to pack a backpack with water and some snacks, and we’d better bring some extra scarves and hats in case we get too wet. A few band-aids wouldn’t hurt, either. Obviously we’ll have to do the dinner dishes from last night, since we all know I can’t leave dishes in the sink if I’m leaving the house. And since we’re going out anyway, we may as well go by the library, because the books are due on Monday, so it’s time to round them up!
Now I’m out of the shower and I have this huge list of things that must be done before we leave. I start doing them, and then go in search of my family, who are downstairs playing the Wii, having a grand old time. I start to get angry. Why weren’t they getting ready like I was? Do they expect me to do everything?
Then I find out they haven’t even had breakfast yet. Now my blood starts to boil.Why was Keith just playing with the the kids instead of giving them their marching orders?
What I’ve learned is that this is my problem, not theirs. No matter how much I may wish it, they are never going to have all the stuff that goes into keeping a family together in their heads the way it’s in mine.
I think my conclusion is going to be that I need to communicate more with my husband about what I need, because when I tell him, he's there for me. But to expect him to think about it first is unrealistic.
And sometimes a lot of marital discord is due to little things like this. We expect our spouse to be just like us. And it doesn't work that way!
I'm going to go play a game with my daughter and my half-brother, and then do some more work getting ready for my blog party on Wednesday.
And that is what our Sunday mornings look like! And I usually end up at church with bite marks on my tongue because I'm trying not to bite their heads off!
Really, I try to just get as much done the night before and let the rest go. :) Yes, you can leave the house with dirty dishes in the sink. But if breakfast mess is still on the table you DO have to go out for lunch after church. Its the law.
I find this even without having kids. My husband just does not have that running list in his head like I do. I tell him that at any given time I'm probably thinking about at least 3 different things that need attention or need to get done. I think men are more linear and focus on one thing at a time, and women do more multi-tasking. What I try to do is delegate tasks so that we both have something to do- I'll say, "we need to do a, b, c, d, and e before we leave the house, and it would be best to leave by x time. Which ones would you like to do, and which ones would you like me to do?"
I agree with the commenter you quoted about changing for the wrong reasons. This is what I have found to be true for me:
I have made a change in focus over the years. I have determined that no matter what (and this is NOT always easy), I will love my husband the way he needs to be loved to the best of my ability. I will make whatever changes are necessary to do that because truthfully, anything less than that is not real love. I will do this, first, because I believe I honor God by doing so. And yes, I also believe it sets a Godly eample for my family, my HUSBAND as well as my children.
The end result is that I have seen this impact the way my husband loves me, for the better. Not because he was manipulated, but because he was touched by being the recipient of true, Godly love, even when he didn't deserve it. Especially when he didn't deserve it.
I just wanted to come by and say congratulations for being one of the Internet Cafe's Top 100 Christian Women's Blogs of 2008! You are truly a blessing. Thank you for the many ways that you serve!
I think sometimes that as the CEO of the House Management Department, I can get caught up in the have-to's and forget about the relationships those encompass. If I am not careful, I can get so overworked with trying to keep the household running smoothly that I can start to see the kids as inconveniences and mess makers. My husband serves as a reminder to remember to play and have fun as a family. He is the first one to get goofy and silly with the kids. And I am so grateful that he brings balance to my life!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
And that is what our Sunday mornings look like! And I usually end up at church with bite marks on my tongue because I'm trying not to bite their heads off!
Really, I try to just get as much done the night before and let the rest go. :) Yes, you can leave the house with dirty dishes in the sink. But if breakfast mess is still on the table you DO have to go out for lunch after church. Its the law.