I'm having one of those lonely days.
It probably mostly stems from the fact that my husband snored last night, and I didn't want to wake him because he's been on call a lot lately and he needs his sleep, but I couldn't sleep either.
But moving to the guest bed wasn't an option because it's too cold in this house, and the really warm comforters are already on beds!
So I crawled in with my 11-year-old, who may not snore but she sure does flail. So I got no sleep.
Anyway, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself, and I need to know that I'm not the only one! So you all have to comment on this post after I spill my guts. Deal?
Here's the thing. I have turned myself inside out for the last few months trying to create a great home for the family. Our meals have been great. I've been exercising again. I've kept up with the homeschooling. I'm really trying to invest myself in my nephew (whom we also homeschool).
And I've left my writing to "whenever I can fit it in", which is basically never, or at 7 a.m., because I'm trying to make my family my first priority.
But in the process, it seems as if people now expect that of me. The kids always have one more place they need to be chauffeured to. My extended family wants me to do various things, and seems upset if I have to speak on the weekend they wanted. Friends need me to do things.
But nobody ever asks what I'm writing these days, or what I have planned, or if they can do some stuff for me to give me some time to focus on my dreams.
My primary dream is for my family. Of course it is. But I am also called to write, and I wish that some of my family members would support that really and truly. They always say they support my writing, but they hate it when I get distracted the day before I have to leave for a speaking engagement. They don't like it if I take time at night to write when I could be doing something with them. They don't offer to pray for me, at least not on a consistent basis.
I don't need it. I really don't. I have God, and that's enough. I would just like it sometimes. Does that make me selfish? And does that make any sense?
I just feel like I give and give and all anyone ever wants is more. Because what I'm doing isn't good enough.
Now I feel guilty for writing this because it's there for everyone to see. But that's just how I'm feeling today. I'll probably be better when I get some sleep, but for now Diet Pepsi is going to have to do it. What about you? How are you doing?
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Labels: friendship, loneliness