Last week I had the most amazing epiphany, and I am now cured of my grumpiness. I hope.
Let me explain. For the last few months, probably since August, I have felt like something just isn't quite right in my life, but I could never put my finger on it. I felt right with God. I was talking to Him, I was praying, I was listening.
My family was going great, and I was spending a ton of time with my girls' friends. Our house was becoming the hangout, and I had no problem with that.
My marriage was great. My speaking & writing ministry was positively taking off. But something was just nibbling at the edges of my heart, and I could never get really excited about anything. And I often fell into quite negative moods, even when there was no apparent reason to do so.
Then last Friday morning I was getting ready to take my youngest to our homeschool skate social, which happens every week. For an hour and a half, the kids skate, while we parents watch. And talk. And I realized that morning that I was seriously looking forward to it. I was counting down the hours before we could go. And I started asking myself why, because while I enjoy the people at the skating rink, it's not like we're best friends.
And then it hit me: they may not be my best friends, but they are friends. And for an hour and a half, I get to do nothing but talk.
For the last several months, I have talked to my mother, my husband, my best friend, my kids, and then a whole pile of their friends. But I have not talked to anybody else.
Usually, in the summer, we go camping with another family and have a great time. But for the last two summers, we've gone camping just the four of us, and while it's been fun, it hasn't been the social outlet it once was.
At church, one of my very good friends, with whom I used to split the responsibilities of running of our youth program, moved away. And so now that program is entirely on my shoulders. While Sunday morning used to be a social time for me (I was teaching the youth, but I was also hanging out with my friend), it now has become almost entirely about kids.
And while we used to have people over for dinner quite frequently, that's become harder this year, because I'm away almost every weekend, and my oldest daughter now teaches piano several nights a week. Juggle in youth group, and we don't have a night to socialize.
So last Friday it finally hit me. I'm lonely.
I was able to get by for almost six months without something cracking, but it finally did. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, and a great one with my best friend, with whom I talk on the phone several times a day. I talk to my kids all the time. But I do need other people.
Ironically, I had others more when the children were young. We went out almost every day just to keep ourselves active and amused. I went to a women's Bible study, where I talked to a whole bunch of women every week. We went to play groups, where I talked to other women almost every day. They weren't women that I would have chosen to be friends in other circumstances, perhaps, but because we were at the playgroup, we formed a bond. So I talked.
And when children are young, I found I had people over more because then the kids are entertained and it's not so much work for you. They have friends to play with, and you don't have to play with them constantly. You can get adult time.
Now my kids are at the age where not only do they not need to be entertained, they're actually quite entertaining themselves. So it's very easy to cocoon. And that's what I've been doing.
I've never been one who needs a whole pile of best friends. I've usually only had one or two, and that's been fine. But I have had other social outlets where I get to talk to other adults, and lately I feel as if I lost them.
Humans are very interesting in our need for friends. Some of us are introverts, and one of our greatest needs is time alone to rejuvenate. Others of us are extraverts, and we desperately need friends to bounce ideas off of or to laugh with. We don't relax well unless we're with others. And then there are those of us who are in between, like me. We like having friends, but we like our alone time, too.
I guess I thought I was okay, and I didn't need anybody else. But I was wrong. And so yesterday at church I asked a woman to have lunch with me on Thursday, and I'm very excited about it. I get to talk to someone else, and even though it's going to cut into my writing time, I think I will end up being a better writer for it, because it's something that I need.
Having a social outlet is a legitimate need for all women. Some of us need it more than others, depending on our personalities. I don't actually need it as much as many do, which is probably why it took a good half a year for me to finally get so grumpy that I realized what was wrong. But God did not make us to be alone, and we should seek out friends and companions. Our husbands are not supposed to be our only outlet (though my husband is really my best friend, and always will be).
My husband doesn't have a lot of time to socialize, either (and he's far more extraverted than I am ), but what he does have is people to talk to constantly during the day: nurses, other doctors, his secretary, even some of his favourite patients. He gets to joke around, even just for a few minutes with each person, and he can grab lunch occasionally with a colleague.
When you're at home, you don't get that. And it really wore on me.
The funny thing was that while I was feeling out of sorts I started to question whether it was my family that was bothering me. Was I upset at my husband (I didn't think so, but that's always where your mind turns first ;) ). Was I upset at my kids? And you start to question your family commitments, even if you totally love your family. When something is wrong, you immediately turn the blame on those you love.
And that's one reason why I think it's so important that we do get this social outlet. When we don't, and we becoming vaguely unhappy, we'll often blame our family for that unhappiness, even when it's not their fault. Be careful of that tendency. If you have legitimate needs, it is important for you to get those met. If you don't, it will jeopardize how you act with your family, and how you think of your family. That's when the danger in families starts.
So I am going to make more of an effort once a week to actually talk to some adult women. I think I will be better for it. And I'm very happy that I finally figured out what's been bothering me.
What about you? Do you have adult conversation in your life? How do you deal with loneliness? Let me know!
In a recent post about friendships, one commenter asked what was going to happen to teens, who spend their lives on social media sites but don't actually interact in person very much.
It's something I'm concerned about, too. I see so many teens that I know relating to other teens solely on the basis of technology. Many teen boys now have sleepovers with multiple TVs and Playstations so they can play Call of Duty together. Girls spend their lives on Facebook writing back and forth. I've been in groups of teens where everybody is texting--each other! Rather than just talking, they're clicking. It's strange.
We at least escaped much of this until we were adults. I spend far too much time on Facebook, etc., and I'm the first to admit it. But I do have real friends. And my husband and I got to know each other the old-fashioned way: we talked face to face. We didn't have to add smiley faces to the ends of sentences because we were there in person, and we could read each other's expressions.
Now it seems like so many relationships exist primarily online. People start dating online, and the world knows about it because their Facebook info changes. I know one guy who realized his wife was leaving him when her status changed from "Married" to "Single".
The internet has its benefits, but it's also changing how we relate. We talk in 140 characters, rather than in real sentences. We don't know how to look someone in the face. And even at university, where you would think the goal was to find a life partner, stats show that sexual activity is actually down because more people are simply using porn. When they're not, they're "hooking up", so that serious relationships in university are getting rarer. When I was in college, everybody was seeking out their mates, and many of us found them there. Today that's becoming increasingly difficult because real relationships aren't happening.
I was talking to a friend of mine, the mom of 4, about this and she dismissed it. Her sons, who are in their late teens, know how to have real relationships, even though they text all the time. But I pointed out to her that she and her family eat dinner together every single night. They grew up learning how to talk to one another, and so it's already natural.
What about all those teens who do not grow up talking around the dinner table? What about the majority of kids who don't have dinner with their parents, who rarely talk to their parents, and who are living in an almost entirely online world? Will they know how to share their thoughts? How to talk? How to get to know someone in real life?
There's so much in our society working against marriage and strong relationships. Pornography pulls us apart, and makes an intimate sex life much more difficult to achieve because so many are battling images they can't seem to get out of their heads, or addictions they can't seem to break. All around us are messages that we should do what makes us happy, and not necessarily what we have committed to. And now we have added to all that the takeover of the friendship realm by computer. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm not looking forward to seeing the results.
So what do you do in your house to make sure that your kids know how to live in the real world? Let's talk about it!
Last month, before we left for Kenya, my 15-year-old daughter went on a retreat with her youth group. She built a luge track, went sledding and skiing, hosted snowball fights, and in general had a grand ole' time.
Until, that is, we started talking the night she got home about friends.
Rebecca is a lot like me. She's the kind of person that is more likely to have a few very close friends at a time than have a whole pile. My younger daughter, on the other hand, is always right in the middle of everything. She's a social butterfly.
I find that I need a few people to talk to, but I don't need a lot. And since I've been married, my husband has taken on the role that many girlfriends once did for me. I can talk to him about just about anything, and I find that I can now go several days without calling an actual friend, since I have my hubby and my girls to talk to. It isn't that I don't appreciate my friends; it's just that I'm slightly introverted, and I need one or two close people and that's about it.
Yet as a teenager I was very insecure, and I desperately wanted friends as an affirmation that I was a good, fun, lovable person. I think most teenagers are like that, and that's why peers take on such importance. Often teens seek the approval of kids they don't even necessarily approve of. But even if our kids think other kids make poor decisions or are kind of mean, it hurts when those kids don't like you.
My daughter, for instance, sometimes feels like she's second best to many of her friends. She has one best friend, but to everyone else she's second best. Sure they'll talk to her and do stuff with her, but she's not their number one choice. (I pointed out to her that they're not her number one choice, either, since she already has a best friend, but I think that was far too logical for her).
I know that women need friends, and often we can't figure out what we think about something until we've shared it with at least five friends. When I have a big decision to make, I do tend to pick up the phone, certainly more than my husband does. But that doesn't mean that I find it easy to make friends. In high school I remember praying and yearning to make those years go quickly so I could get to college where I would meet others who were more like me.
In university I had a very few close friends, but I always felt that they were better friends with each other than they were with me, and that was strange. And then in the various churches I've belonged to, I've managed to find one or two good friends, but I've never felt like I've been rolling in friends. Others look at me and probably think I've got a ton, because our social schedule is quite full, but that's more that I have a lot of acquaintances. I've never in my life had more than two people I could really share my heart with at one time. Friends have always been a struggle for me, and I have gone through years of real loneliness. Thankfully, my husband has been there, but it is hard to find adult women to befriend. Often I'll meet someone I know I'd love, but they live in another city or something.
My daughter Katie isn't like that. I think she'll always be swimming in friends, but perhaps those friends won't mean as much to her as my one or two mean to me. So I'm wondering how you view friends. Are they hard to come by? Do you have a bunch? Do you find yourself lonely?
Has the internet, and blogging, helped plug a hole in your life? Let me know!
We're going to do something a little differently today. We're going to talk friendship.
I've always been one of those women who has only ever had a very few close friends at a time. I have lots of people I like to hang out with, but if I need someone to bounce ideas off of, it's really only a very few. My husband plays the role of friend for most of my needs.
But I still think there's something really important about female friendships, and so I agreed to be a stop on the awesome blog tour for Bob Kelleman's and Susan Ellis' book "Sacred Friendships". This looks like an awesome book full of stories of great Christian friendships, and if you want something cozy to inspire you on a cold winter's night, snuggle up to the fire with this.
I asked the authors some questions that I thought would best relate to women who read this blog, and here's what they said:
1. Do you think it’s harder to have real godly friendships today? Or do things like the internet actually make it easier?
Every generation has had its challenges when it comes to building and keeping strong, godly friendships and each of us have our own individual challenges to overcome. Meaningful relationships take time and commitment. Technology can always be used for our benefit or our detriment and that hinges on our choices. We can choose to use e-mail and IM’ing as a way to keep people at arms length, but we can also use them as a means to stay connected to people who are physically far away from us or who are on a different schedule. We don’t see that as being any different from people relying on letters to keep them connected. Elisabeth Leseur and her dear spiritual friend, Marie Goby, only came face to face for a very brief time, but they were powerfully connected as sisters in Christ and shared with each other deeply. So, if we use technology wisely, it can help spiritual friends maintain a lasting relationship. Ideally, we would connect with our dearest friends in person…to see their facial expressions, to read the unspoken thoughts and feelings, to get a big hug…but life is not always ideal and never has been. It ultimately comes down to how badly friends want the relationship, and how willing they are to make sacrifices for each other.
2. Susan and Bob, you talk about the necessity of friendships for Christian growth. This blog tries to be a “friend” for women where they can go for help in their marriages and families. But I don’t sugar coat it; I tell it like it is. So let me ask you this: if a woman sees a friend making really poor decisions, what should be the proper response of a friend?
That’s a good question. Unfortunately, we don’t think it has a one size fits all answer. It’s essential that, as spiritual friends, we are first and foremost connected intimately with Christ. He’s the One who knows what’s best for each individual in each situation. We are certainly called to speak the truth in love. What that looks like is going to depend on the people involved, the particular situation, and their history as individuals and as friends.
In Sacred Friendships we layout a historical model of soul care and spiritual direction that includes sustaining, healing, reconciling and guiding (SHRG). In sustaining we empathize and help people understand it’s normal to hurt. With healing, we help our friends move beyond their circumstances and pain and remember it’s possible to hope. Reconciling moves us to the understanding that it’s horrible to sin, but wonderful to be forgiven. In guiding we help our friends remember that it’s supernatural to mature. We move in and out of them based on many factors as mentioned earlier. We like to call it “spaghetti relationships.” We might be in reconciling one minute and in sustaining the next. Oftentimes people who are suffering, sin out of their pain. Conversely, people who are sinning are often masking their pain. It gets very messy and requires Christ-like wisdom and discernment.
Now, within the context of sustaining, healing, reconciling, and guiding, taking all the other factors into consideration, there absolutely is a time and a place for “not sugar coating it” when we see a friend making poor decisions. There is also a way to lead our friends to their own godly conclusions about their poor choices by asking them good open-ended questions founded on biblical principles, that get the heart of their beliefs about themselves, the situation, other people involved, and about God and where He is in the midst of their situation. There are also times that we need to take a step back and let our friends feel the full weight and consequences of their poor decisions.
3. Who was your favourite example of friendship from the book? Why?
Susan: A spiritual friendship that quickly comes to mind as a favorite is between Betsie and Corrie ten Boom, the two Dutch sisters who found themselves in Nazi prison camps for their involvement in hiding Jews. Neither sister ever married and at the time of their capture they both lived in the house in which they were raised. They truly did life together and knew each other inside and out. They were good friends as well as sisters and clung to each other throughout their ordeal. Sadly, Betsie died shortly before the prisoners were freed, but it may very well be their deep bond that kept Corrie alive. What’s remarkable about this friendship is that it flourished in the humdrum day-to-day stuff of life as well as in the unthinkable and unimaginable. Sometimes friendships fall apart when circumstances change, but their relationship only strengthened.
Bob: It’s so hard to select a favorite from among these 50 remarkable women, but forced to do so, I would say the relationship between Elizabeth Keckley and Mary Todd Lincoln. Keckley was African American and had been enslaved as a child. Gaining her freedom as an adult, she became the seamstress for Mrs. Lincoln. More importantly, she became Mrs. Lincoln’s lifetime spiritual friend. When President Lincoln was assassinated, the only person Mrs. Lincoln wanted to talk to was Elizabeth, or Lizzy, as she called her. Elizabeth “soothed the terrible tornado of tumult” the best she could through listening, empathy, and shared sorrow. Mrs. Lincoln lived a troubled life outside the White House, but for the rest of her life the one person who was always there for her was Elizabeth Keckley. Among many lessons, we can learn from this that sacred friendships can and should cross cultural and racial boundaries.
4. To tell you the truth, I’ve had great friends at different periods of my life, but today I have few friends I talk to on a regular basis that go back more than 10 years. I seem to have friends, change cities, and then move on. Does that make me a bad friend? Have we lost the art of lifelong friendships?
We think it makes you quite normal, frankly! And, the fact that you’re asking the question strikes us as a great sign that you have a passionate heart for spiritual friendships.
Have we lost the art of lifelong friendships? In Sacred Friendships some of the women were engaged in lifelong spiritual friendships, while others, like you describe, had short-term or intermittent spiritual friendships. Life has never been a nice, neat package that makes relationships easy. However, historically, many women did maintain lifelong connections through letters of spiritual consolation, spiritual direction, and spiritual counsel. With modern technology we can certainly do the same even when separated geographically.
One of our hopes in writing Sacred Friendships is that our readers who don’t have sacred friendships would see that they are possible and valuable and that they would be in prayer for them, seek them out, and be willing to give of themselves in order to also receive. And for our readers who do have sacred friendships, our hope is that they would be encouraged and reminded that they are blessed and it is worth it, even when it’s hard.
5. How can a woman be strong in ministry for the Lord when she’s also at home ministering to her young kids? Can you give me an example from your book of women who have made a big difference for the wider kingdom while their primary calling is still motherhood?
Susan: I have a twofold response to that. First, I think that we moms sometimes forget that our children are certainly part of the ministry that God has for us. For some women, their children are their primary, if not their only, ministry and that’s ok and it can make a big difference for the kingdom. Our culture puts such an emphasis on doing and producing, that I get a little concerned sometimes that moms, especially stay at home moms, sometimes feel that they are not contributing members of society or the kingdom and that simply is not true. Changing one more diaper or cleaning up one more mess doesn’t seem like it adds a great deal to the kingdom, but little eyes are watching and our responses to the routine…and sometimes the drudgery of life teaches our children more about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control, than our words and a Bible study ever could.
Second, we need to go back to one of the key points of Sacred Friendships, and that is the necessity of being connected to the Lord so that we know and hear His voice above all others. If the assignment isn’t coming from God, it will be fruitless. But, when God has a plan for one of His children, He will make a way for it to be fulfilled. Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote one of America’s greatest novels while raising a family and running a household, It has often been said that Uncle Tom’s Cabin launched our nation into civil war and consequently changed our nation’s history for the better; that seems like a pretty significant impact to me. Laura Haviland was a key player in the underground railroad, and the founder of a free school for children, all the while raising a large family by herself after her husband died. The Lord gave them each a calling and provided a way for them to fulfill it. But, once again, the key for both of them was their complete dependence on Him. They heard His voice, trusted, and responded.
6. With all that’s going on in the world, why this book now? What’s unique about Sacred Friendships?
There are a few scattered books out there on the history of women in the church. There are a few books out there on women counseling women. Sacred Friendships is not just a history book. It’s not just a counseling/spiritual friendship book. Frankly, there’s not another book out there that applies the history of the legacy of godly women to life and ministry today.
Sacred Friendships is especially vital in our world today. We are so disconnected from one another. We sit by our computers . . . alone. We send quick text messages . . . without any depth.
People are hungry for profound relationships, for meaningful connections. But they have few examples showing how to connect to others in practical ways. Sacred Friendships provides over 50 concrete models that teach us how to be real and raw, how to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth, how to be a . . . sacred friend.
7. Who should read Sacred Friendships?
First, anyone who loves riveting stories of victory snatched from the jaws of defeat should read Sacred Friendships. Susan and I like to think of our roles as “story-tellers”—we share stories from the lives of over 50 remarkable Christian women. If you like a good, true story, read Sacred Friendships. Second, people might assume that Sacred Friendships is a book only for women. Not true. Susan and I like to say that Sacred Friendships is a gift to women and a gift from women.
As a gift to women, Sacred Friendships puts to rest the lie of Satan that women in church history have been second-class spiritual citizens! Just one example: the famous Church Fathers were mentored by the lesser-known but incredibly gifted Church Mothers. Sacred Friendships encourages and empowers women to realize that as bearers of God’s image they have equal worth, dignity, value, and giftedness as men have. Women young and mature need the message told by these stories—because the world surely is not the place to turn for validation of worth in Christ.
As a gift from women, Sacred Friendships is for men and women—it’s for anyone who learns best by example. Men and women can read Sacred Friendships and glean life-changing skills to empathize with hurting people, to encouraging people with Christ’s sure hope, to exhort people by speaking the truth in love, and to equip people to tap into Christ’s resurrection power.
A free sample chapter of Sacred Friendships is available at: http://bit.ly/1S1haj
Sacred Friendships is on sale at 40% off for $12.99 at: http://bit.ly/MG1l5 Or simply by going to orders at: www.rpmministries.org
People can also order at Susan’s new website: www.eternalcommunity.org
We've been talking over the last few days about how to make sure that children adopt the family's values, and spend enough family time with their parents. But we all know that parents are not the only important influence in a child's life (if we were, parenting would be a lot easier). Friends play a huge role, too, especially as kids get older.
So I believe a big job of parenting is helping kids find and keep good friends. In effect, we should act as quasi-matchmakers (I think matchmaking has gotten a bad rap. I think I'd be extremely capable of choosing my girls' husbands. Just wish they'd agree :) ).
That's easy when kids are little. Find families who have similar value systems from you and invite them over for dinner. Have their kids over to play. Kids tend to play with the children of our own friends, because that's who tends to be at our house. When children are small, they can't play with anyone else, except perhaps neighbours. So invite families that are strong with good value systems over. (And this includes the children of single parents, by the way. I was the child of a single mother, and I was at times shunned because of that. But I was a really good kid. Trust me. So if there's a single mother in your church who is doing a good job, and she has some kids who could use a play date, target them first. Chances are that mom needs a break!).
I once lived on a street with lots of great families and lots of kids. Some of them were solid kids; some of them were questionable. But my kids played with them all. The main thing was that they played at our house, not at the homes of the kids who were questionable. And over the course of a number of years, I think we had a good impact on those kids who were struggling. So reach out to those kids, but keep them close. Monitor their games (I remember when one girl wanted my 6-year-old to play "Spice Girls" and learn how to dance sexy. I put a quick stop to that one). Get to know them. Teach them to share and to problem solve.
Nevertheless, you need those really close few friends that your kids really bond with. Kids tend to do that--they'll have ten kids they regularly play with (because kids love playing with others)--and then only two or three that are their best friends. It's those two or three you want to identify and make sure they have good value systems, or are at least willing to live under yours.
I really believe the best place to find these kids is in a church. It doesn't even have to be your church, if you don't have a lot of kids. Go to a lot of city-wide events and get to know other Christian parents in your area. Socialize as much as possible, and you will find people. It means being willing to open up your home and have people over for dinner. It means being willing to go out to some of these events as a family. But the great thing about finding friends for your kids is that chances are you find friends for yourselves, too!
Then, as kids get older, the key is youth groups. You need a youth group where kids can explore their faith, feel safe, and negotiate leaving the nest a bit. My kids have been in two different youth groups at two different churches, and let me tell you, not all youth groups are a good influence.
They've been in one where it was just so large you got lost in the crowd. It was so focused on outreach (which is a good thing) that there wasn't solid teaching for the kids who did believe (which is a bad thing). The culture of the group was so "seeker oriented" that those who were new or who were exploring the faith often set the tone for what was acceptable behaviour. The end result is that the girls spent their lives talking fashion magazines and celebrity culture and make-up--in grade 7! I fail to see how this is much different from school.
At the other youth group it's only about twenty kids. Every kid knows each other. They hang out together. They have debates on whether it's okay to date before you're 18, or whether there's a purpose to dating if you're not going ot marry the person. When they find out that one kid is smoking, they all collectively do an intervention. They're there for each other. The kids are not all perfect, not by a long shot. Many are from difficult family situations. But the atmosphere is different.
Find a youth group for your teen where they connect and feel comfortable in a good way (if they feel comfortable talking about fashion magazines and how much of a pain mothers are, that's not good). Talk to other parents. Ask what their children get out of youth group. If nothing spiritual is brought up, that's likely a bad sign.
Sometimes you may have to go to a youth group at a church other than yours. I think that's okay, and many kids, especially at the junior high age, are more than willing to try something else, especially if they have one friend who is going. So it's not always a bad idea to try a number of youth groups until you find a good fit.
Now let me rant for a minute (as if I haven't been doing so already) and tell you why I believe that kids fall away from the church as they leave for university, and why this youth group thing is so important.
Christian teens need to have their faith strong enough that they believe that their best friends must be Christians. They must have the experience of Christian friendship over their teen years that they will want to recreate it. Their first allegiance must be to some Christian friends, which is why it is so important that you work on cultivating those friendships.
Otherwise they will go away to college, or move away to work, and they will not seek out a campus Christian group or a good church. When kids feel that their friends must be Christian, they will gravitate towards Christian groups because they need friends. The first thing I did on arriving at Queen's University was to find Queen's Christian Fellowship, within a day of getting on campus. There I met my husband and friends I still have today. Of course I had other friends in my university days. But I knew I would only find kindred spirits at the Christian group, so I went out of my way to connect there.
If kids have as their primary kindred spirits kids who don't believe, then it's highly unlikely they will make a big effort to find a church or fellowship. They're used to existing socially without it. They may love God, but they figure that they can go to church when they visit home. They don't have to keep it up. So they don't, and they fall away.
If you want your kids to continue in the faith, make sure their deepest friendships, as teens, are with other Christians. Encourage those friendships. Seek out good youth groups. Change churches if you have to. If your child identifies too much with school or with peer groups that aren't Christian, then chances are they won't seek out a church later. I have seen so many of my dearest friends and relatives go that route, and it's heartbreaking. They believed as a teen, but they didn't stay because they didn't need the social circle.
So matchmake for your kids. Get them good friends. And keep your kids loving God.
They say that only 10% of men have a real friend--someone that they could actually bear their soul to. Many have lots of acquaintances, but the conversation never goes below the surface level.
And we women pride ourselves because we have so many friends! But I got thinking lately, do I really?
I have two women that I call on a fairly regular basis just to chat. One more than the other, perhaps. And I have a ton of women that I could call if I wanted to. It's just that the vast majority of the time, I don't want to. I don't particularly like talking on the phone that much, and when I do pick up the phone, it's usually while I'm doing dishes, or hanging laundry outside, or doing something else that is a definite candidate for multi-tasking (I draw the line at going to the bathroom while on the phone, though. That's just gross).
Anyway, Christian circles love talking about women's friendships, and how important they are. We have books upon books on how to be a good female friend. And the truth is, I'm not sure that I am, or that I particularly want to be, outside of these two people. It's not that I don't want friends; it's just that I want them to go out with, and to talk with occasionally, just not all the time.
To me, my husband is my best friend. I can tell him anything. I call my mother about once a day, too, because we get along quite well, and I call my mother-in-law a few times a week. I have a potential sister-in-law in the loop that looks like I may get quite close to, if and when my she and my brother-in-law cement the deal. And I guess for me, family plays a big part in my social needs.
Does that make me weird? I sometimes feel badly for not spending more time with female friends, but if I want to talk about something, I generally go running to my hubby or my mom, or I pour it out here.
The one really good memory I have of female bonding is the women's Bible study I was in for about three years. About 25 of us met regularly every Thursday morning, and we went really in-depth. What I loved about it was that there were older women mixed with us younger women (I was in my 20s at the time), and we learned so much from the older ones. I eventually went on to lead a number of studies by my third year, and I learned so much there. But we could pour our hearts out during the prayer request time, and get so much great advice, at the same time as we were delving deeply into the Word.
But I don't feel that I need that as much anymore. Perhaps because my children are no longer so young, I don't crave adult conversation in the way I did. And my kids are actually pretty fun to talk to at 11 and 14.
Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something, or perhaps I'm letting other women down by not trying so hard to be a friend. But I just don't have a lot of time, and I really really love my husband.
So what do you think? Is it okay to lean on your husband for most of your friendship needs? Or should we reaching out to a wider circle?
It probably mostly stems from the fact that my husband snored last night, and I didn't want to wake him because he's been on call a lot lately and he needs his sleep, but I couldn't sleep either.
But moving to the guest bed wasn't an option because it's too cold in this house, and the really warm comforters are already on beds!
So I crawled in with my 11-year-old, who may not snore but she sure does flail. So I got no sleep.
Anyway, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself, and I need to know that I'm not the only one! So you all have to comment on this post after I spill my guts. Deal?
Here's the thing. I have turned myself inside out for the last few months trying to create a great home for the family. Our meals have been great. I've been exercising again. I've kept up with the homeschooling. I'm really trying to invest myself in my nephew (whom we also homeschool).
And I've left my writing to "whenever I can fit it in", which is basically never, or at 7 a.m., because I'm trying to make my family my first priority.
But in the process, it seems as if people now expect that of me. The kids always have one more place they need to be chauffeured to. My extended family wants me to do various things, and seems upset if I have to speak on the weekend they wanted. Friends need me to do things.
But nobody ever asks what I'm writing these days, or what I have planned, or if they can do some stuff for me to give me some time to focus on my dreams.
My primary dream is for my family. Of course it is. But I am also called to write, and I wish that some of my family members would support that really and truly. They always say they support my writing, but they hate it when I get distracted the day before I have to leave for a speaking engagement. They don't like it if I take time at night to write when I could be doing something with them. They don't offer to pray for me, at least not on a consistent basis.
I don't need it. I really don't. I have God, and that's enough. I would just like it sometimes. Does that make me selfish? And does that make any sense?
I just feel like I give and give and all anyone ever wants is more. Because what I'm doing isn't good enough.
Now I feel guilty for writing this because it's there for everyone to see. But that's just how I'm feeling today. I'll probably be better when I get some sleep, but for now Diet Pepsi is going to have to do it. What about you? How are you doing?
You know that verse in Romans 12 that says "rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep"?
I think we often focus on the weep with those who weep, because hey, rejoicing is easy, right? It's the being compassionate and empathetic and talking with those who need a friend that can be hard.
Well, I've been rethinking that lately. I think it's harder to rejoice with those who rejoice. Any of you who have ever had a friend who lost a husband or a child suddenly knows that weeping with those who weep is almost instinctual. We want to help, and bring meals, and comfort. We may not do it very well, but we want to.
But what do you do when a friend succeeds? What do you do when your sister gets pregnant after you've had three miscarriages in a row? What do you do when a friend lands a great job when you're stuck in a dead end one, and you feel like she's more successful? What about when a friend's child gets married, while yours have left the faith?
Or, to make it more personal for me, how do I handle meeting authors who are more successful than I am? How do I handle hearing that someone else has landed a book deal?
My oldest daughter is struggling with this right now because he sister has turned out to be really good at Bible quizzing. Rebecca's still better, but Katie's on her heels. Can Rebecca take it if Katie one day beats her in a quiz?
It's hard to rejoice with those who rejoice, isn't it? We're naturally inclined to be jealous. We want to be the ones who get all the good stuff, and when someone close to us succeeds at something we've been hoping and praying for, it is hard.
So how do you defeat that little green monster that makes us smile through clenched teeth and give that hug and say, "I'm so happy for you!", while inside you want to go outside and throw something? Or at least go and binge on chocolate?
I'm trying to figure out what to say to my daughter, because I want her to be generous with Katie. But the more I've thought about this issue, the more I realize it's a problem I have, too.
And maybe that's the way I'll handle it with Rebecca. We all want to be the best at everything. We all want our dreams to come true. But God has His own dreams for us, that we don't know. If we can realize we're all in the middle of God's dream, then maybe it's easier to be happy for someone else.
Because if we can't rejoice with those who rejoice, we're not very good friends and sisters, are we?
I've been on the road speaking this week at Girls Night Out events around Western Ontario.
And I am tired!
But also invigorated. It's great to talk to so many women, and it's great to be able to feel as if God is using me.
One thing that always amazes me each time I speak about my experiences is how many other women have also lost children. It seems that the sad sorority is larger than we would think.
Last week I also received an email back from a family who had lost a child. A friend of mine had forwarded my column "A Prayer Through Tears" on, and this is what the grieving dad said (his daughter was murdered in August):
Thanks for the birthday card, and particularly for the "Prayer Through Tears" column that you sent along with it. We have had difficulty putting into words, the absolute sorrow, heartbreak and devastation that we have been living through since Sarah died. Unfortunately, it hasn't really gotten any better. If anything, the sadness has deepened as the shock wore off and the reality set in. The article from Sheila described our state so accurately, and it was almost comforting to read that someone else is experiencing the same feelings - like we're not alone in this "horrible fraternity of grieving parents".
The same day that a friend forwarded me that email another friend forwarded me this one, after she lent my book How Big Is Your Umbrella out to another friend who was hurting:
Thank you my dear and thoughtful friend for sending me "How Big Is Your Umbrella". It could not have been more appropriate. I asked every single one of those self-pitying questions and it was incredibly helpful to read the author's own experience with this quest for answers to questions that really rely on faith and trust in God.
On this road to self discovery, I am just hitting so many bumps and obstacles that I don't know how to wrap my brain around it all. But thanks to good friends like you, I don't feel so alone and am blessed to be reminded of God's love and plan for me. I just want you to know that it hit all the right notes, even though I am still grappling with the process.
I'm really humbled that God can use these things that I wrote like that. But I think what both emails said to me is that often when someone we know is hurting we don't know what to say, and we don't want to interfere, but we do nothing. Both of these friends tried to forward something that they thought would help, and it did. So if God is nudging you to send a friend something, do it. Don't wait. I think we hesitate too much, and then we lose the chance to bless someone!
When my children were really young we were living in downtown Toronto. I didn't live close to anyone who went to my church. We lived in an odd neighbourhood, and it wasn't exactly my natural kind of place. It was just convenient to Keith's work.
Everybody lived in condos or apartments, and so nobody had a yard. I needed to get out of the apartment everyday, so I ended up going to a playgroup at a local public school. There I met about eight other moms with young kids, and we became friends.
These were not women I would have normally chosen as friends. We didn't have much in common except our children's ages. But they were a lifesaver to me. They were only friends for a season; when I moved away I hardly contacted any of them, and I think they knew it would be like that. They, like me, were just making friends for a season, too.
One was a 19-year-old girl who got pregnant by accident. She met someone else who raised her child as his own, and they had another one together. One was 41 with her first daughter, married to a domineering man ten years older. Another was from Brazil, the wife of a doctor up here on residency training. Another seemed normal, but shortly after I left I heard she had a nervous breakdown and ran off and got temporary amnesia. It was a very eclectic group, but they were a lot of fun!
I don't think that's a cop out to say I had fun with these women that I was not too sad to say good-bye to. I think sometimes we need to make the best of what we have. I always dreamed of finding a kindred spirit, and I have in Belleville where we have put down roots. But in university, in high school, and in that playgroup, I frequently made friends for a season. I needed people to talk to on a regular basis, people to share my frustrations and joys with, but I knew they weren't people that I would carry with me the rest of my life.
In Belleville we live right next to Trenton, which is home to Canada's largest air base. I know lots of military people. And frequently they say the same thing. When you're stationed somewhere for two years, you know you're going to leave friends behind. So you don't try to make lasting relationships. You just try to find "filler friends", who will help you pass the time.
Occasionally you may meet a kindred spirit anyway, and that's an added bonus. But sometimes you just don't. And it's important to make do with the women God has placed in your path.
I don't mean to sound snobbish, but I hope you all know what I mean. We women are social. We need friends. But sometimes the perfect friend just isn't there, especially when you're living somewhere temporarily. You can't hibernate, though. You have to get out of the house and reach out to someone. So you find those people that you fit best with, and you make do.
And in the end, you can look back and thank God that He brought them into your life, even if it was only for a season.
Wow! Lots of feedback from my women's retreat post. So let me offer a few more thoughts.
First, I was totally blessed this weekend by the women from Bramalea Baptist Church. I spoke four times over the course of the weekend, and maybe I'll elaborate a little more on some of my topic later. But for now let me just say that it was so amazing to see God talking to each woman individually. After each session, the women sat around their tables and talked through some issues and then prayed for one another, and it was so cool.
Great women, too. It was such an honour to be a part of something to incredible that God was doing.
That being said, I still need my sleep! So I loved the fact that I had my own room. I think if you don't, sleep can be enough of a distraction for some women that it does get difficult to take things in. But these really are experiences that everyone should have. So maybe women's retreat organizers should offer the option of single rooms, or double rooms. This retreat did that, but not all do. I think it can be really important, so those who are light sleepers, like me, are still able to take in the worship and what the speaker is saying.
I know that sounds selfish, but maybe I'm just getting old. Anyway, great comments below, and I hope all of us get to experience this type of communion at some point--and that we do it without being bleary-eyed from lack of sleep!
Here I am at a weekend retreat at a conference centre, and we're having a blast. But it's funny because I don't know if I would come to this on my own.
I am really a party pooper for two reasons:
1. I need sleep 2. I can't sleep with noise around me.
Which means that if I'm in a room with people who are snoring, I get frustrated. Then mad. Then desperate. By 3 in the morning I've crossed the line from sane to insane.
And sometimes you can end up in a room with women who want to talk until 2 in the morning and who are hyper. And I can't handle that either. I need to sleep.
I think retreats are great for drawing women together and forming community. And the speakers are often wonderful (shameless self-plug there). But you have to know your limits.
Whenever I go to a retreat I always try to see if I can have my own room, but then I look like a debutante or something. So it's quite difficult. As a speaker I always get my own, so I do enjoy retreats then.
I have a similar problem on missions trips, so I've come to insist on my own room or sharing with my family rather than a bunch of women. I just need to sleep.
What about the rest of you? How do you handle it? Am I just hopelessly pathetic?
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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