When I first had my babies, I thought about what I wanted our family life to look like. And one of the first things on my list was laughter. I wanted our family to be a place where people laugh. I think love and laughter and memories all go together; it's difficult to have any of those things without also having the other. Does your home ring with laughter?
I read one study that teens laugh twice as much as adults in their fifties. And once we pass fifty, it's all downhill. We stop laughing. That's a tragedy. But perhaps we wouldn't stop if we fostered laughter in our homes! So here are some random thoughts on how to foster laughter, in no particular order:
1. Give kids permission to laugh at you.
This starts when they're toddlers. Whenever I did something stupid, I'd go running to wherever my kids were and I'd say, "Look how Mommy put my shirt on inside out!", or "Look how Mommy spilled!" And we'd all laugh. Children like to laugh. They like to feel that they can laugh at their parents, too, because while kids want to feel safe, they don't want to feel like their parents must be perfect. If you give your children the impression that they must always think you're perfect, then your children will feel disloyal and dishonest when they realize that you're NOT perfect. So give them safe ways to talk about your foibles!
And if Daddy does something funny, too, tell the kids about it, and laugh! Of course, you don't want to tease, and you certainly don't want to allow your children to tease each other. There is a difference between healthy laughter between people and laughing at someone, and you should teach your children the difference. But it will be easier to learn if you model it from the beginning!
2. Play a lot.
We laugh when we play. We laugh when we talk. We laugh when we're simply together and things happen. We don't tend to laugh when we're alone in our rooms doing our own thing. If you want to encourage laughter, you have to actually be together! And sometimes the things that you will end up laughing about are the things that you were absolutely upset about at the time.
I remember I once took my children camping, along with three of their friends. In one day I managed to break the tarp on our trailer, drench a child with water while trying to get the water off of said broken tarp, burn dinner, and then have the roof leak on us. At the time it was a tragedy because we had to leave camping early. But it's one of our funniest memories. In fact, those friends even drew a picture of all the things that went wrong, and it's still on our fridge, five years later. But we wouldn't have laughed about it if we hadn't been spending time together!
3. Do out of the ordinary things.
And when you do spend time together, do it in out of the ordinary ways! Don't just watch TV or movies, even if they are funny (though we still have a riot quoting Shrek). The things that are funny tend to be the things that happen in everyday life that you're paying attention enough to to see the humour in them. When you're trying to hurry up and get to all the practices or get dinner on the table you often don't have time to see the humour. So try to do strange things with your family!
Don't always watch TV; sometimes play board games, or go for walks, or play soccer in the park. Last spring the girls and I laughed for three weeks straight over "Fernando", a humongously obese baby robin that hung out on our fence posts because he couldn't fly. He would bleat all day and his much smaller mother would bring him worms. Every now and then Fernando would topple onto the ground and wobble down there for a bit. He was just a riot. They sometimes invited friends over to watch our pathetic robin. But we noticed him because we went for a walk; we didn't hibernate.
We also do really strange things at the dinner table. When the kids were younger, we'd have trivia questions after dinner. We'd ask Canadian trivia, and you couldn't leave the table until you got something right. My nephew, when he'd visit, would answer "Charlottetown" for every single question, and inevitably by question 12 or 13 he'd be right and he'd get to leave. It's been a running joke ever since.
A few years back I also purchased this little booklet of "graces you can sing" to the tune of hymns, and everytime we have company I pull them out. All the teens complain and moan and groan, but if they're ever over the first thing they'll ask is "are we going to sing grace?", because it's so strange and kinda funny, because most people don't know the tune.
Most of the humour in our lives isn't some side splitting joke; it's just everyday life that happens when we're alert enough to notice. So spend time together out of your regular errands, doing weird things, and you'll inevitably laugh!
4. Enforce technology free time
Finally, while movies and TV can be funny, and YouTube videos can make tears run down our faces sometimes, the best humour comes when we're just with each other. So have technology free nights, say from 6-8, where there is no TV or iPods or Facebook. Just spend time with each other, and you will laugh.
Sometimes we laugh just doing the dishes together--bubbles can be funny! Sometimes we laugh at memories while we're talking. Sometimes we laugh at my oldest daughter falling UP the stairs (I didn't know anyone could consistently fall UP the stairs until she hit puberty a few years back).
Having fun in your home means that other people will want to hang out with you. Your friends' kids will want to have dinner at your house. Your friends will enjoy being there. And so will your husband! A house filled with laughter is really a home, so don't drown it out by being too busy, too proper, or too plugged in!
Last week I wrote a post complaining that we are "dumbing down" church and school, and don't require kids to learn mastery of anything anymore. I asked what we could do about it.
And I decided maybe it was time I did something, rather than just complain. And so I've put together this list of the 50 verses I think are most important to memorize. I know many families want to memorize verses together, but they don't know where to start. Here you go. One a week for a year. Even if this is all you ever memorize, you will have God's word in your heart for the most important verses, I think, in the Bible. I'm going to type the list with the verses first, and then at the end include a list of just the references, if you want those to just copy and paste.
Why not make little memory verse cards out of 3x5 cards, and keep them at the dinner table? Then every night you can go over this week's verse. By the end of the year, you'll have all of these memorized!
I chose these because they're a cross-section of doctrine, promises, and comfort. You may want to add others, or to substitute. Feel free. Consider this a starting point, not anything definitive. I hope you you find it useful! All verses are from the NIV.
God
Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 40:28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Salvation
John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.
John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me.”
Ephesians 2:8,9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Assurance Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Isaiah 40:30-31 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart ,and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
Lamentations 3:22-23 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Christian Life
2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Psalm 37:4,5 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this.
Proverbs 3:5,7 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
1 Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Luke 16:13 No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
1 John 4:7,8 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Acts 1:8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.
Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Prayer 1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Philippians 4:6,7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Scripture 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness.
Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Psalm 119:11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
Confession/Temptation Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out, so that you can stand up under it.
Mission Micah 6:8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”
Matthew 28:19-20 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Bigger challenges:
If you want to memorize whole chapters, here are my top 5:
These chapters are all important; I have left them out of the top 50 verses because I couldn't choose just one or two verses from any of them. The whole thing is great. So if you're up for a family challenge, memorize all of one of them!
Look at it this way: if you spend one year memorizing the fifty verses, and the next year reviewing those fifty and memorizing a chapter, and then go back to those fifty verses again to make sure you have them down, and then the next year go back and do a different chapter, and so on, over the course of ten years you'll have 50 verses and 5 chapters so committed to memory there is no way anyone could ever forget it.
And I think knowing fewer verses, but knowing them inside and out, is sometimes more beneficial in the long run than trying to make yourself learn a verse a day or something.
So print this out and use it with your family!
Now, here are just the references if you want to copy and paste:
If you believe that memorizing God's Word can bring real change to families, then can you help me get a wider audience for this list? Just hit "Share" on Facebook below (you can hit the Like button, too, but the Share button posts this to your newsfeed), and then more people will see it! Thank you so much!
UPDATE: A reader pointed out that I only had 49 verses, so I added another one! Sorry! The list is complete now.
A while ago I went door to door on behalf of a politician that I didn't know all that well, but many of my friends (who do know this sort of thing) vouched for. I normally am quite a politically in-the-know person, but in this case I really wasn't. I had a few big issues, and knew where the guy I was walking for stood on those, and that was fine. But I didn't know as much as I normally do during campaigns, and felt mildly discomforted about that.
I just knew one thing. I didn't like his opponent's eyes.
That may sound superficial, but allow me to explain. Everytime I had been with this guy's opponent (and I had been with him), he seemed incapable of looking you in the eye. His eyes were always scanning the room to see who else was there, or scanning somewhere else (as a woman, I hate it when men can't look you in the eye, if you get my drift).
This wasn't my only problem, but it was symbolic of the other things that just made me uncomfortable about him. He seemed calculating rather than caring; and I saw that in other areas, too.
There is something about eyes that is key to our character. When you can look someone in the eye, you invite intimacy. You invite conversation. You invite trust. When you don't look someone in the eye, you dismiss them. You say their attention doesn't matter.
As a society, though, we have given up on eye contact. I see so many people who go through the day on their phones. They're texting constantly, or talking constantly, and as they do that, they don't pay attention to those around them. They don't chat up the grocery store clerk, or the friend in line. They don't smile at strangers, that little bit of courtesy that brightens people's day.
I often see teens outside the local high school at breaktime, texting constantly, but chatting, too. And I wonder: what kind of relationships are they forming, when they can never give 100% of their attention to another human being?
One of women's main complaints about men is that they don't look at us when we're talking to them. They focus on the television, or the computer screen, or the newspaper, and they may say the occasional, "mmm hmmm", but that's not enough to satisfy us that they are listening to what we are saying. We want the eyes.
How will our kids grow up to be able to look their spouse in the eye when they never do it now? Are we losing the ability to communicate, to care about one individual at a time?
Tuesday nights are our family nights. No computers, no televisions, just our family, around the table, playing board games. I have to admit I didn't really want to do it this week, because I was busy. But we made it a priority, so I did it. And I have not laughed as hard this week as I did then. We always end up in stitches over something stupid. But the best part, when you're all sitting around the table, is that we can see each other's eyes. We know they're looking and listening and paying attention.
It's like that at family dinners, too. When we sit down, even if it's just for ten or fifteen minutes because we have an activity afterwards, we all connect, at the same time. I see any tiredness that's there. I detect sadness. I can see excitement or joy. And we share.
How can this happen if people bring cell phones to the table? How can this happen if families go out to restaurants to "be together", but everyone has their own iPhone? You're not connecting. You're ignoring, even if there is conversation going on.
We are losing the ability to look people in the eyes, and as we do that, we give the message that "I only pay attention to what is important to me, and you are not important." Kindness has left the equation; it is now only what I want. It's not about common courtesy or respect anymore; it is simply about entertainment and my own personal desires. And that is an extremely selfish society.
I am scared for our future; scared that we are raising a generation that will become that politician that made me so uncomfortable. I'm scared that we are becoming that ourselves as we become addicted to devices. Yes, they're handy. Yes, they're fun. But people are ever so much more fun when you really spend time with them. Eye to eye. Let's not forget that, and let's make sure our kids are forced, at least during some of the day, to look other people right in the eyes.
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's! Even if you're not Canadian, I think you'll say "my husband does that, too!"
Last week, as thunder rolled and gray clouds threatened, I performed the female mad dash better entitled “frantically bringing in the laundry from the line before the storm hits.” I assumed my husband felt the same reticence about the weather. “Can you still barbecue in this?” I asked him, quickly running through the alternate dinners we could make if burgers were off the menu. He sneered in reply. “Of course I can,” he said. “I’m a Canadian man.”
Canadian men barbecue. I suspect this attachment to the gas-powered device is largely because it comes with big tools. These aren’t wimpy tongs, the kind you use to mix up spinach and mandarin salad. Barbecuing is primitive, masculine stuff, even if his top of the line appliance cost $800 at Canadian Tire.
With barbecues, too, you get to stab meat. My husband loves cooking roasts, spearing them onto the metal spit. What’s more manly than roasting meat on a spit? When I cook a roast in the oven or the crockpot, I surround it with terrible things like carrots, or even worse, turnips or parsnips. Vegetables aren’t manly. And barbecuing on spits avoids them all together. It’s the perfect masculine endeavour.
And yet men, when barbecues are near, will condescend to wear clothing that they would never wear anywhere else. They are so proud of their ability to turn meat on a grill that they will don an apron, and, in the case of large parties, even a big, fluffy hat adorned with a message admonishing all present to “Kiss the Chef”. When one is near a barbecue, one’s manliness is guaranteed, so that wearing what would normally be considered feminine attire is perfectly acceptable, sort of like the way football players pat each other on the behind.
I also find it curious how barbecuing males will claim credit for the meal, even if it’s the woman who bought all the food, mixed the Caesar salad and the potato salad, sliced the pickles and the tomatoes, made up the lemonade, set the table, and prepared the dessert. He flipped a few burgers and everyone thanks him, rather than addressing their gratitude towards the woman and the kids who were scurrying around getting everything else ready.
But I don’t begrudge my husband the accolades, because if truth be known, I have never actually even turned our barbecue on. It is so much his domain that I’m lost if he’s on call and doesn’t come home when I’ve planned to have steaks. A few weeks ago my oldest daughter and one of her friends decided they would try to cook the chicken burgers, despite their lack of testosterone, since Keith decided not to grace us with his presence. But they didn’t know how to turn the barbecue on, either. So they called him, and he told them how to turn the knobs. And turn them they did.
A few minutes later Rebecca asked me, “isn’t there supposed to be a flame? I hear a hissing, but no flame.” Even without testosterone I know that’s a bad thing, so I quickly turned off the dials and forbade anyone from going near for at least fifteen minutes. My mother-in-law, who had received frantic phone calls from the girls asking what to do, continued to call our house at frequent intervals that night to ensure no one had actually been blown up.
And so we leave the cooking meat over a fire to my husband, who does prepare a very juicy roast. I may complement his offering with a bowl of vegetables anyway, and serve it with some salad, but it’s still his meal. He’s a Canadian man, and he’s proud. I think I’ll go kiss him.
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Thanks for all your feedback about yesterday's daycare post! I'm enjoying the comments.
I thought I'd write another of my "big picture" posts today, this time about kids & weight. The increase in childhood obesity began dramatically in the 1970s and 1980s, accelerating to the present.
Some of it may not be an actual rise in children's weight as much as it is physicians sounding the alarm a little too much; often the way they measure obesity isn't what most of us would consider obese.
But there's no doubt children are getting larger. I remember in grade 3 feeling so sorry for the two "fat" kids in my class. They were Edmund and Lisa, and boy did they stand out from the rest of us beanpoles. I tried to talk to Lisa more than the other girls did, because I felt so sorry for her.
Recently, in going through my family photos, I found my grade 3 picture, and saw Lisa and Edmund through the eyes of a 2000s woman, rather than a 1978 girl. And they're not fat. Not at all. We would consider them stocky today, but certainly not fat. That's how much things have changed.
You can blame childhood obesity on all sorts of things, from too much television and not enough exercise because parents are afraid to let their children run free, to the preponderance of sugar and preservatives in so many foods. But let me tell you the story of what I think happened.
At one point in time, food was fairly expensive, as a ratio of people's income. You didn't waste. Housewives spent time clipping coupons and shopping for deals. They learned how to make tuna casseroles and ground beef casseroles and any kind of casserole they could, because they were warm and hearty and made the meat go a long way (if you want an excellent insight into this, just read the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary out loud to your children. They're brilliant, and so fun! And set in the 1970s, they often focus on the price of food and the menu the family ate). They packed school lunches that were cheap, too, like bologna sandwiches and fruit.
Because food was expensive, and because Mom spent a long time making it, it was expected that people would come to the table and eat and enjoy. Family meals were central to family time. You didn't eat before dinner because it might spoil your dinner. And besides that, there wasn't a lot of food around the house just to eat if you felt like it. Parents had to keep track of food, and make sure that it would stretch to the next paycheque.
Then families changed. Mothers started heading out to work, leaving families with more disposable income. They could buy more food. They could buy more treats. But most of all, it was difficult to make those casseroles that were the family staple. And companies started realizing that families with moms working were a prime target for a new kind of product: instant dinners that you didn't need to cook.
Thus, we had Kraft Dinner. We had Swanson's TV Dinners. And all kinds of snack foods entered the market that hadn't been there before to make school lunches easier to prepare.
And gradually these things expanded. Instead of one or two brands of spaghetti sauce, we had twenty-two. Soon we had sauces for chicken, too. We had frozen pastas and lasagnas. We had chicken fingers, and not just frozen fish.
The supermarket was filled with products that made cooking and eating a breeze! And with the increase in disposable income, more people started to buy them. The prices started to come down. And soon families where moms didn't work started to buy them, too, because their children wanted them as well. It was easier to use a frozen dinner once in a while than it was to cook from scratch. So more and more people began relying on processed foods, prepared foods, and low-nutritional value foods because they were easy, tasty, and inexpensive. And thus a whole generation forgot how to cook.
So many of my friends can't cook anything! They can barbecue, but that's about it. And our children aren't learning to cook, either, because it's not necessary. I remember learning how to roast a chicken for the first time when I was married, because I had never done it before. I took a cookbook with pictures and just did what it said, and then I followed the directions for gravy. I was so proud of myself! But why roast a chicken now when you can buy a frozen chicken all ready to go, and gravy on the side?
Here's me stuffing my turkey on Christmas morning, for instance (note, I hadn't had my shower yet or put on any makeup, so don't judge me). I can't chop onions without my eyes watering, hence the fancy get-up:
Food has become plentiful and easy. It started to fulfill a role when people weren't around to cook anymore, but now it has crept into every family type.
And the same is true with exercise! As Mary Ebserstadt points out in her book, Home Alone America, one of the reasons that children were allowed to play outside in bygone days--whether it was road hockey, or soccer, or baseball, or just catch--was because someone was there to supervise. Even if some mothers worked, not all did. And because all neighbourhoods had at least some adults around, children could be outside. Once everybody started to working, then the number of adults available greatly diminished, and suddenly kids had to be kept inside.
It also seems to me that we have more shift work than we used to. Before, only nurses and night watchmen worked at night. Today so many do, whether it's in healthcare or manufacturing or other industries. With more shift work, adults are unavailable to be with their kids outdoors, even if those adults are home, because they need to rest. And when we're too busy to be with our kids, but our kids want to have fun, what do we do? We feed them. We give them a treat.
Kids come running in from outdoors, just when we were in the middle of getting something done, and we want to placate them for a little longer, so we get out the box of Goldfish crackers. Kids were playing a game peacefully, but a fight breaks out, and we don't want to deal with it, so we call the kids in for popsicles. Food has become a great way to channel kids away from chaos, and so food has become just another game to kids. It's what they do when they're bored. They eat, because we're too tired and too busy to figure out how to encourage them just to play.
The moral of the story? Kids are growing fatter because society is changing. Those traditions that families used to have, from home cooked meals to eating around the table to not snacking between meals to playing outside, have all gone by the wayside. More parents are working, so fewer are there to cook healthy meals or watch what their kids eat. And because of work, the very nature of food has changed, even for those who do not have both parents working outside the home. Convenience foods are now so common that they have become almost indispensable.
That doesn't mean we can't get back to the way it was, though. It just takes each new generation committing to learning how to cook, to teaching their children not to snack between meals too much (unless it's something healthy), and parents teaching their kids how to play again. So spend some time with your kids. Pick up a recipe book, with pictures, and read it in the bathtub. Dream of learning to cook. And perhaps we can bring back that family togetherness again.
Here it is--our definitive post on how to save at the checkout counter! I've got a ton of tips coming, but first, a giveaway--
Last week was our giveaway post for Mary Ostyn's Family Feasts on $75 a Week! So today it's time to announce a winner. I'm going to randomly pick a winner from the comments, so drumroll please:
And the winner is....
Dianne from Bunny Trails! Dianne has such a beautiful blog! I used a random number generator to choose a winner, and Dianne won, so congratulations!
If you didn't win, I really encourage you to get the book anyway. It's not expensive, and it will save you tons of money with lots of great ideas. Here it is:
In the meantime, we've had so many great tips entered in the comments that I wanted to summarize them all here for you. So if you want to save money on groceries, here are the top ways:
1. Coupons, coupons, coupons. They work! And if you don't know where to get coupons, or you don't know what's on sale at different grocery stores, don't worry! You don't even need to keep track of it anymore, because the website A Full Cup lets you print out coupons by store and by product, and generates shopping lists based on sale items at your store of choice. It's awesome, and it's got everything! For coupon lovers, you must CHECK IT OUT!
2. Meal Plan. When you know what you're going to eat, you buy for what you're going to eat. You don't buy a lot of stuff that's just going to sit in your cupboards (or turn to green mush in your vegetable drawers). If you can't handle the thought of getting that organized, let someone else do it for you! Check out Dine Without Whine . They provide the menus and the shopping lists, and it's easy!
3. Think Italian. Pasta makes meat and veggies go a lot farther. And you don't need a lot of meat in spaghetti! Try to start cutting down on the ground beef and substituting more veggies. It's healthier, and a lot cheaper!
4. Use cereal wisely. Think of it as a main course once a week, say Sunday after a busy day. Don't eat it everyday, unless you can buy it on major sale.
5. Stretch out one meal into more. For instance, cook a big chicken, but then use the leftovers in a shepherd's pie. Then use the bones in a soup stock. Freeze all leftover meat. You can make 3-4 meals from one chicken or one beef roast like that. I always freeze all the little bits that are leftover, even if it's just enough for one person. That makes a soup that will feed four. And if you combine those little bits, you've now got enough for a stroganoff or a casserole.
6. Buy only what you like. Don't buy on impulse because you "should". Stretch yourself certainly by trying a new veggie every now and then, but remember: you're unlikely to eat it if you really don't like it. I once bought liver sure that I would make us all eat it. I lectured the kids backwards and forwards on not grousing about it. I told them I would make it and they would eat it and be grateful, because we all needed the iron. Then I went to cut it and it squeaked. Meat is not supposed to squeak. I threw it out, and that was the end of that.
7. Shop on days that the supermarket reduces the meat by 50%. Freeze it that day, and then it's still fine.
8. Don't buy pre-packaged foods. Make it from scratch.
9. Invest in a freezer. You can get a good one for a few hundred dollars, and then stock up when stuff is on sale. When bread is on sale, buy a bunch and freeze it. We also buy half a cow at a time, cut the way we want it. It's so much cheaper (and healthier, because we buy it from farmers we know).
10. Organize your recipes. When they're all easy to find and your kitchen is easy to figure out, you're more likely to cook, and less likely to call for pizza!
11. Keep track of what's in your pantry and--here's the important part--actually eat it. Often we go to the grocery store and buy stuff we already have. Make it a challenge to eat through your cupboards. The average family has $275 in groceries in their house at any one time. If you need to save a few hundred dollars this month, then, just eat what you already have.
12. Cut your meat yourself. Buy whole chickens and chop them up. Buy big cuts of beef and then cut them for stir fries, stews, etc. Cut it yourself and it's cheaper.
13. Get food free! Find out when restaurants throw stuff out, and ask to have it. One woman wrote that she found an Italian restaurant that routinely throws out fifty pounds of pizza dough every Saturday night. So she collects what she wants, and the family has pizza pockets, pizzas, and more!
That is the accumulated wisdom from these blog readers! Hope that helps you! Now go get your recipes and pantry organized, and write a menu plan for the week. And good luck! You can do it!
It's understandable. Modern families are busy. Sometimes both parents work and sometimes get home at different times. But even if you're home during the day it's still hard to find energy to cook every night, or even work out the logistics of when dinner is going to get made and consumed! Children have activities to go to, and Mom's got to drive them all over the place. Who's got the time and energy to even cook dinner every single night?
I know it's tough, but few things in parenting are more important. Eating together is good for you and your family. Inside jokes, laughter, and deep discussions flow from dinner times. Family devotions and family games nights naturally follow. You build the family identity. So you better make time and find the energy to make home-cooked meals and sit down and eat together more often.
Researchers have found many benefits to home-cooked meals. Watch this video to learn about some of them. In my own experience, though, there are many more. Here are 24 reasons I have found to share family meals more often:
1. Families who eat together eat healthier, because home-cooked food is healthier than fast food.
2. Family meals allow busy families to catch up with each other.
3. Young children learn a lot of verbal skills just by eating with their family members.
4. It gives everyone a chance to unwind after a busy day.
5. Having family meals more often forces you to end your working day and other obligations in time for dinner.
6. Home cooked meals are not only healthier, they're also cheaper than takeout food or eating out.
7. Eating together forces everybody to tell stories. And even if your 7-year-old son punctuates those stories with fart jokes, at least he's learning how to communicate!
8. Cooking at home motivates you to be creative with your meal planning and cooking.
9. Children can get involved in cooking meals. We decided to teach the kids to cook one meal a year after age 10. So at 11 they can make one thing, at 12 they can make two things, and by the time they leave home they have a meal for every day of the week--plus company!
10. Cooking and eating together creates happy childhood memories.
11. Eating together is an opportunity to explore different cuisines.
12. Eating with your family is more fun than eating in front of the television (or the computer).
13. Eating together gives parents a chance to talk about current events from their point of view, injecting their personal values without giving a lecture.
14. Eating together helps family members bond and get to know each other better.
15. You'll be surprised what your kids reveal when you're in a relaxed environment, such as a family meal.
16. Kids are less likely to roll their eyes when you reminisce and tell stories from your childhood while eating a meal together.
17. Family meals can be good teaching moments, even for small children. My toddler learned how to count by counting after-meal treats on his high chair.
18. Eating together is a good opportunity to teach and model good manners.
19. Family meals give a good transition from work or school to home life.
20. Family meals are also good times to share music together.
21. Family meals teach everyone valuable life skills, such as sharing and taking turns.
22. Stopping and sitting down to a meal gives everyone a chance to quiet down and regroup.
23. Family meals provide an additional occasion for family members to pray together.
24. Eating home produces less waste than eating out or ordering food--all while it costs far less, too!
If you think having family meals is too much work, don't despair. You can get help for everything from meal planning to putting your weekly grocery shopping list together. Check out Dine Without Whine for kid-tested, quick recipes that will help you put together family meals with less effort. Dine Without Whine's weekly shopping lists will also help you get food shopping done much faster, and even save money on groceries.
I know it takes time. But it really is worth it to cook dinner for your family! I'm always amazed at how many memories revolve around food. So go cook and make some memories!
As a child I loved board games. I dissected Monopoly, trying to find the best strategy. I taught myself chess from a book. I loved Sorry, and Life, and eventually Trivial Pursuit when it came out. But the problem was that I didn't have anyone to play with. As an only child, I used to try to play them myself, being two or three different people at a time.
My mother and step-father played with me occasionally, but it's hard as an only child, trying to amuse yourself. Maybe that's why as an adult I have made such an effort to have family games nights with my kids.
When children are little, games are hard because, quite frankly, most kids' games are boring. I could only take Candyland for so long. But as they grow, you can start playing REAL games. Before real games were possible in our house, we often put puzzles together, because that can be fun for the whole family, and at least it's a little challenging for you! Have the kids work on the edge pieces or the pattern pieces while you work on the hard clouds or something.
But now we do games. And not just typical ones, either. If you want the best games, you need to go to a specialty game or toy store. Wal-Mart just doesn't have all the good ones. Some of our favourites are Bohnanza, a card type game that even 7-year-olds can play, but we still play with only adults; Carcassone; Blokus ; The Settlers of Catan; and Ticket to Ride. They're really fun!
Last weekend we visited our former pastor who now heads up another church. He asked my husband and I to come and give the sermon on communication in marriage, and it was a ton of fun. Afterwards we relaxed at their house, talking for a few hours before making the trek home.
And we started talking about communication in families. I made the point that many kids no longer know how to be friends because they spend their lives texting each other rather than talking to each other. The other couple wasn't sure that was the case, since their kids text all the time but are still very socially aware. "But you guys eat together every single night!" I said. "Do you know how rare that is?"
And it's true. Children tend to learn communication skills from sitting and eating at the table. You can then expand that time to build real family memories by making one night of the week a games night, where technology stays off and everybody tries to be home. Some families do family movie nights, which can also be fun, but I strongly recommend a games night, because when you're watching a movie, you don't talk. When you're playing a game, you do.
My husband wasn't the biggest fan of games nights growing up, because his family was very competitive, and he didn't like the stress. As much as possible, try to minimize too much stress for your kids who can't handle it, but I do think it's good to learn to lose. Last night my 12 year old could not get good cards to save her life. Usually she plays very well, but it didn't work out for her yesterday. Yes, she was frustrated, but she still laughed a lot, and it was so much fun to connect.
I know it can be hard to have a games night with older children while you still have younger ones, but you can take turns entertaining the baby or the toddler, or set up special toys they have just for that time when the rest of you play a game. But do have a special night, every week if you can, when you eat together and play games. Family routine matters, and if you decide to make it a routine, it will get done. And then your kids will remember the togetherness, they'll remember the laughter, and they will feel much more connected to you and to each other!
Now you tell me: what games do you enjoy as a family? What works well with little children? What did you like growing up? We want to know!
Have you broken any of your New Year's Resolution lists yet? I've done a great job with the exercising one! Breaking it, that is.
But here's another resolution I hope we'll all try to keep: memorizing Bible verses. I find that memorizing Scripture myself, and memorizing it as a family, really helps one's spiritual life. There's something special about knowing where a verse can be found, or being able to say it to yourself when you're feeling down.
The problem with memorizing is that if you're not consistent, you don't remember it. Or you may work on a verse hard for a week, but it doesn't stick.
I've recently worked on a new memory system that has worked so well for us. We use it in our homeschooling with Latin vocabulary words, but it can work for memorizing anything, including Bible verses.
Here's what you do. Take some cue cards and write on each one what you're trying to memorize--such as the Bible verse for the day/week. The week you're learning the verse, you go over it everyday. The next week, you're done with it and you're onto another verse. But how can you be sure that you remember last week's verse?
This is where the method comes in. Write last week's verse on a cue card, and put in a pile with an elastic on it with the number "1" on it. This is the pile you'll work through everyday.
Then you review the verses in pile 1. Any verses you get right move to pile 2.
Tomorrow you do both piles 1 & pile 2. Any verses that are correct get moved up a pile, so that you now should have pile 1, pile 2, and pile 3.
Everyday you do piles 1 & 2. Pile 3 you do every Friday. Pile 4 you do once a month. And Pile 5 you do every other month. So if you're memorizing one verse a week, for instance, you'll likely review it everyday for a while, then every week, and then next month, and then it will be gone.
It works well because you can add verses to pile 1 at any time. So if the verse from last week is still moving through piles 1-3, that's okay because you can just add more verses to pile 1 and it doesn't really matter. You can have as many there as you need to.
The main thing is that you review each verse at least five times before you get rid of it.
Here, then, is what a sample schedule would look like:
Everyday: Go over new verse AND Everyday: Review verses from piles 1 & 2. Remember if you get a verse correct, move it up a pile! AND Every Friday: Review pile 3. AND Second Wednesday of the month: Review pile 4. AND Every 31st of a month: Review pile 5. (Why the 31st? It's easy to remember, and it means you'll hit pile 5 about every other month. You'll hit it twice in a row July-August and December-January, but you probably need the practice anyway :) ).
If you ever get a verse wrong, it goes back to pile 1!
This way you're sure that once you're rid of it, you really know it.
If you want to memorize verses as a family, the best time is right after dinner. Even if you can't do it every night, try for as many nights as possible. And if you use this method, you can be sure that you won't forget any! You'll go through each verse at least 5 times, and you'll space it out!
I hope that helps you get your spiritual life off to a great start this year!
A fundamental premise of Economics is that everything has an opportunity cost. If I buy a chocolate bar, I'm not buying a pop with that money. So the opportunity cost of the chocolate bar is whatever I could have bought--a can of pop, 20 jujubes, two stamps, whatever.
But while we're used to opportunity cost when it comes to money, we don't tend to think of it when it comes to time. And yet the time crunch can be just as acute as the budget crunch. As commenter Valleygirl said earlier this week (and I paraphrase), why do we yearn so much for those bygone years of sitting on the porch, and then overschedule our lives so much that we have no time for it?
When you schedule your own lives, or your kids' lives, with many activities, you're simultaneously denying them whatever else they could have done with that time. There is an opportunity cost.
So much for Economics. Now let's turn to Math. Let's look at how much disposable time the average mom with school-aged kids has in the course of a week. We'll be nice and even assume that she doesn't have an outside job, to give her as much time as possible.
Weekday mornings, before school, are a write off. You rush around and get the kids on the bus or out the door. Not really quality time. Then they're at school, usually home around 4:00. So let's begin our day at 4. Most kids are in bed by 9, so that leaves 5 hours per weekday.
On the weekends, let's give you 12 hours a day, with 12 for sleeping. Over the course of the week, that gives you 49 hours. For comparison's sake, the kids spend about 40 hours in school and with school peers. So it's almost even.
Now let's start being realistic:
Time spent making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up, mopping the floor, and other housework that can't wait: 1 hour a day (and I'm being nice. It's probably more). Down to 42 hours.
Time spent doing homework with your child: 1 hour a day (this can include anything that goes into organizing them for school). Down to 35 hours.
Time spent on meetings or with other adults. Chances are you have at least one during the week: a committee meeting, a small-group meeting, an evening out with the girls, dinner out with your husband, whatever: 3 hours a week. Down to 32 hours.
Time your child spends in front of some sort of screen. The average child spends 3.5 hours a day in front of either a video game, computer, or television. But let's be nice. Let's say it's only 1.5 hours a day. Down to 22 hours.
Time your child spends bathing, getting dressed, cleaning their room, or looking after him or herself. 1/2 hour a day, or 3 hours a week. Down to 19 hours.
So in a family with no play dates, no working mother, very little technology addiction, and no lessons only gets 19 hours a week of quality time when people aren't doing housework, aren't in a meeting, aren't taking a shower, and aren't making dinner. That's 19 hours when you can potentially hang out with your child, take a walk, play a game, do a hobby in the same room, talk, or spend time together. I would guess that for many families it's less than that.
Note, too, that schools get 40 hours. Schools have 40 hours, you have 19. How are you going to spend those 19? Some of them are going to be spent eating dinner as a family. Some will be spent in church (I counted that as quality family time, though chances are for most of that your children won't be with you). You don't have a lot of time to work with.
And in those 19 hours you have to teach them to do chores, to become independent, to love God, to be responsible, to not give in to peer pressure, to handle money well, to be nice to their friends, and to get along with their siblings. That's a heavy task.
So let's look at it from another point of view. What is it that you want your child to be like as an adult? What are the most important things for you to pass on? If I were to rank them, I would say this:
1. Love Jesus 2. Be able to form close personal relationships (including, I hope, marriage and motherhood) 3. Be independent, able to get a job when they need one and able to care for their own homes. 4. Be responsible with money and personal possessions 5. Be generous. 6. Adopt healthy attitudes and behaviours (including fitness).
Perhaps some are out of order. Obviously I would like them to reach all of those goals. But I would rather have a child who is 300 lbs. and who loves Jesus than one who is fit but can't hold a job and doesn't know God. So fitness, while it's important, is lower on the list.
Therefore, if those are my priorities, in that order, how am I working towards them? They're not automatically going to develop those traits. They need to be taught, nurtured, and mentored in them. They need to be shown, as they hit the teen years, that the culture which preaches against almost all of these things is wrong and not something you want to emulate.
And if your children are in school, you are fighting against a system that for 40 hours a week teaches that God is irrelevant to their lives. It teaches things that are not conducive to forming healthy marriages. It teaches unhealthy attitudes. It does very little to teach responsibility. So not only do you only have 19 hours to teach these things; you need to dedicate some of those hours to explicitly working against what the school is already teaching.
That's why I'm adamant about family time. It is more important than sports lessons. It is more important than music lessons. You can never get that time back. And the more time your child spends away from your family, the more time he or she spends immersed in a culture which, in many ways, is antithetical to what you believe, especially if you are Christian. Sports may teach discipline, for instance, but they teach it absent from God. They teach it as its own reward, rather than being a spiritual discipline in and of itself. You can become too focused on performance and worth in that arena, rather than on worth as a human being.
On Monday I'm going to add one more thought regarding sports lessons, and one more regarding siblings, but this post is getting long enough as it is. So what do you think? Please, let's discuss this! Am I off base? Do I have my calculations wrong? Have I left something important out? Let me know!
My 12-year-old daughter has recently started intense lessons in a certain sport (which shall remain nameless because there are local people reading this blog). She's never taken lessons before, but she's entered at quite a high level because she's been practising on her own for quite a while and is actually quite good. But she decided it was finally time for lessons, so we signed her up for one night a week.
It was then that I felt like I had entered the twilight zone. When we show up for lessons, there are about 25 other children there, with various coaches. The first thing said to me was, "why only one night a week", in a rather judgmental tone. Turns out everyone else is there for at least two nights a week, if not more.
Now these lessons are two hours long. They interrupt the dinner hour. But I felt that it was okay to do once a week, since we're together most other nights. It was important to Katie.
But she's starting to question it. She said to me this week that nobody there actually smiles. They take it SO seriously. They're not practising so that they can have fun and learn a skill; they're practising to be the best. Watching them this week I felt like standing up and yelling, "Take a chill pill, everyone! Nobody here is going to the Olympics. So just have fun!". But I didn't. I didn't want the other mothers attacking me.
And the other mothers are strange, too. They seem nice enough, but get this: everyone I've talked to has multiple children in stuff like this. I talked to one this week whose daughter is in this particular sport two nights a week, but her other daughter is, too, but she's more advanced. So for four nights a week they do this. I gasped and said, "when do you eat dinner"? She laughed and said, "we don't! We just grab it on the run, or eat in shifts."
What kind of a life is that? Everyone there is judging me and my daughter because she hasn't been in lessons before (we never really had the time, and Katie didn't particularly want to do it). Everybody else has been doing it since they were 2. They're much better, and they snicker at Katie, even though Katie is only doing it because she sincerely loves it and wants to learn to be better. But she's starting not to love it so much anymore. The lessons thing is just too weird for her, so I don't know how long we'll keep it up.
It got me thinking, though, about how hard it is to learn to do something when you're a little bit older. You have to put kids in stuff when they're 3 or 4 and keep at it. But at 3, what kid knows what they want to do? I did have the girls in lessons at 3 and 4, just for fun, but it was all in things they decided not to pursue. The thing Katie actually likes we never had her in.
I was in ballet from a very young age, and by 14 I was quite good. I was on pointe, and pirouetting, and all that sort of fun stuff. But I remember a 15-year-old who wanted to start lessons. She was a lovely girl, and just wanted to learn for fun. She didn't fit in anywhere. She ended up going with an adult class, which was really slow and probably too easy for her.
Who knows what they want to do when they're 3? I don't think any kid does. I think it's the parents that push them, and tell them this is what they're going to do. Some kids, of course, do love it. I have a cousin who was in competitive gymnastics for years and did love it. But she never went to the provincials, let alone the nationals or the Olympics, even though she was good. It's hard to get to that level, even if you practice all the time.
And besides that, it's horrendously expensive. We're shelling out I don't know how much money for this one lesson a week. I could calculate if I wanted to, but suffice it to say it's a lot. We're always coming home with fundraising flyers. How do people put their kids in for four days a week when it's that expensive? And a lot of these parents live half an hour to 45 minutes away, too.
On the surface everybody looks like nice, middle class families, but I really feel when I'm entering that place that the whole world has gone mad. No child should be away from their family that much. Families need to be together. And stressing sports over family life gives a mistaken idea of what's really important. I have seen so many nice kids grow up in a particular sport, working like crazy at it, and not having a life. Or, when they're older, not being particularly attached to their families. Even though they were good kids, they didn't spend that much time with their families. They did school, did the sport, and did their homework. And that was it.
How can you raise a godly child like that? How can you influence a child for good like that? You need time to just sit around and do nothing. And you need to eat together.
This is a crazy world we live in, and I really don't want to be a part of this mess. I don't know how long Katie's going to keep going, but one thing I'm proud of is that she sees how dysfunctional the whole situation was. I didn't even need to tell her. That's my girl. And I'll take her, even though she may not be as skilled, over someone who has been practising their entire life any day of the week.
UPDATE:
ValleyGirl published this comment in the comments thread, but I just have to put it here, too. So don't just comment on what I wrote; comment on what she wrote as well. And let's get a discussion going on how we can change the trend! Here she is:
So why is it, if there are so many of us mothers who feel this way, that whenever we get into these situations, we still feel alone ~ like we're the only ones who don't want to constantly be shuttling our kids from one lesson or practise to another? Why are so many parents, Christians included, buying into this idea that our kids need to be so busy? We all look back on the simpler times of bygone eras and wish for the feeling it gives us and yet here we are, figuring that we must keep our kids busy rather than encouraging them to use their imaginations and invite their friends over.
I am trying to rebel against this trend, but it's hard. It's hard to hear my girls feeling left out because they're the only ones in their class who aren't in skating lessons or dance classes. It's hard to tell them we're not renting the school gym and inviting the whole grade to a birthday party that's going to cost me hundreds of dollars just because some other people do it that way.
One thing I think is a problem is our society's "one man really is an island" philosophy. We don't live relational lives anymore. We don't know our neighbours and all the people on our street and we certainly don't show hospitality to them. I know I'm guilty of this.
But maybe, if I was a little more willing to open my home to my girls' friends and their parents, and if hospitality would become fashionable again with families desiring to spend time together and actually get to know each other, our children could still become well-rounded, well-behaved adult citizens without the necessity of hours and hours of childhood lost to lessons. (emphasis mine)
Over at Townhall.com this morning, I read a tongue-in-cheek column by Rachel Marsden on men's underwear purchases being an indicator of the recession. The theory goes like this: when money's tight, men will let their briefs get tight, too. And holey. And frayed. No one sees them anyway, so they'll stretch out their purchases.
This has some logic to it, since my husband doesn't really care about the state of his briefs. But the problem with the theory, in my mind, is that MEN DON'T BUY UNDERWEAR. At least my husband rarely does. I buy it for him, usually at a discount store.
In fact, my husband doesn't buy much clothing at all. I think that's true for most men. They let their women dress them, if they're smart. When we were married Keith had these disgusting pair of grey sweatpants that he had worn since he was 14. They were one of the first things that went in a bag to the Salvation Army. Of course, he was angry, because they were COMFORTABLE. But they were also gross. And bit by bit, I replaced my husband's entire wardrobe.
So for underwear to be a sign of the recession on a large scale, women would have to decide not to buy men's underwear. And I'm not sure we're at that point yet.
But Marsden makes the point that what a recession is good for is teaching us to shop smarter. We don't buy all the Starbucks we used to because we realize McD's is cheaper. Or we can just make our own coffee and carry it in a thermos. We don't buy bottled water when the tap stuff tastes fine.
I have to admit that our family is not really hurting from the recession. My husband's job is very secure, and my income is fine. But one of my practices every September is to re-evaluate our family's budget and figure out whether we're really on track. And one place that we fall short is eating out. We don't buy a lot of clothes. We don't have expensive hobbies. But we do eat out too much.
One of my resolutions, then, is to keep the house stocked with things that are easy to make for lunch and dinner. And to stop us from ordering pizza or going out, I'm going to start buying some frozen meals. I didn't used to before, because as a rule I'm against them. They're not healthy, they're expensive, and they don't taste as good as my own cooking.
But often the reason we go out is because I'm too tired to cook, or we're pressed for time. If we had frozen meals, I'd make them. And $4 a meal is a lot cheaper than $12 or $15 at a restaurant, plus drink and tip. Especially now that my girls are starting to order off the adult menu.
The trick, of course, is to save those frozen meals for emergencies, and not just make them because they're easy, but so far it's working out quite well. I also cook double quite frequently and freeze the excess, too, so my freezer is well stocked. But what I'm finding is that while my grocery bill is going up, my restaurant bill is going down.
And Keith's underwear is still pretty hole free.
What about you? Where have you cut back? Where do you think most of your money is wasted? I'd love to know!
I have a daughter who is very talented at figure skating. She pretty much taught herself, watching YouTube videos of famous skaters and then practising during our homeschool skate times.
We've been trying to put her in lessons, but the clubs near us are always full. I'm going to make the effort next year, though, because she is very committed to it.
When she was younger she had the opportunity to do competitive gymnastics. She's always been really flexible; she often sits in the splits while she reads.
And we said no anyway. My cousin was in competitive, and she had a great time, but it's not that she ever got to the Olympics or anything. And so she spent 15 hours a week doing a hobby that made her parents rush her around everywhere. I'm not saying my aunt and uncle were wrong; I don't think they were. It's just that for our family I didn't want that. And maybe I could have handled the lessons during the week, but the kicker for me was the summer. They expected you to be there for 75% of the lesson times anyway, and we like to go camping and get away in the summer. I just couldn't give that up.
I think children should have the chance to do well at sports, and pursue hobbies and dreams. But too often today these things take on a seriousness which I don't think they warrant.
I was browsing some blogs lately, and I came across one woman at the United States of Motherhood who was bemoaning her child's competitive swimming. He had actually made it into the top 38 in the nation, and so he was on his way. But listen to their schedule:
He loves swimming. His friends and social circle are there. It's his thing. But he used to love to read? He used to get great grades? Where did that boy go? .... Was I wrong? Am I wrong to let swimming take over our life?
Swimming seven days a week. Some days we leave for swimming at 3:30 and get home at 9 PM.
Dinner is eaten on the run most nights.
Homework is done in the car, in the stands of the pool, or at the nearby library.
She ended up threatening to take away swimming this summer because of his grades, which is a worry. But I think there's a bigger worry. Here's my take, and what I would say to her:
When your son is older, what will ultimately matter is not swimming lessons or swim team, as beneficial as that may be. What will matter is that he has a strong relationship with you which grounded him in his identity, his faith, his integrity, and his character.
Swimming is fun, but it is not the main thing in life. The main thing is your character and what you will become. Swimming can play a role in teaching discipline, but what he really needs is to anchored in his family, and for that you need time to be a family--to eat dinner together, to play together, to walk together.
Seven days a week is just too much, even if he's Olympic material. The Olympics are not worth sacrificing your family over.
So you need to find balance. The thing that is most correlated with academic, relational, and emotional success in life is eating dinner as a family. If you have no time, that's a problem.
I look at some of these girls who have won Olympic medals in gymnastics or skating, and I still think it wasn't worth it. So they've got a medal. They've wrecked their childhood. And it's your relationship and stability with your family that you only get during those childhood years that helps them form the morals and values, and acquire the faith, they need later in life.
I know that sports teaches you morals, but it can't replace a family just hanging out together.
So my advice to you this summer: don't overschedule it. Now's the time to quit a lot of outside involvement. Hang out together. Escape together. Talk together. Read together. Be together again without having to nag about homework, or piano practice, or getting to bed early. This is your chance just to have fun and rediscover family. Don't waste it!
But in the meantime, the winner is....Victoria R.! I've already emailed her, so Congratulations, Victoria! She advertised the contest on Facebook.
For the rest of you, remember that Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight is on special right now, 25% off, and you can get it in time for Father's Day! Make his Father's Day something to remember! (Or get it through Amazon here:)
Now, I want to share a little bit of wisdom that is in this book, as well as in To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Last week we started talking about how to get husbands more involved with the children, and some of you left comments saying you had basically given up. He wasn't interested, and there wasn't anything you could do.
I found that really heartbreaking, but I also know that this is probably a very common feeling--probably MORE common than women who feel that their husbands are involved with the kids. Having a family that functions well is not that common an occurrence these days.
So what can we do to form a family that is cohesive, and where everyone does enjoy being with each other?
First, I think so much depends on how we organize after dinner times. If you make dinner, but then leave it up to everyone how they will spend their evening, chances are they will scatter (or he will, anyway), and family time won't happen. If, instead, you make plans so that EVERYONE will do something together, then chances are it WILL happen.
Let's look at a scenario. You make dinner haphazardly, and try to get everyone to the table. Everyone arrives one at a time, and some of them start eating without waiting for others. As soon as people are done, they get up. Your husband goes and watches TV. Your little ones go and play video games, except for the smallest, who clings to your leg. You start cleaning up. The whole episode took about 8 minutes, 6 of which you spent getting up and down fetching things for the kids.
Now, let's look at it a different way. Dinner is ready. You call one of your kids, who is over 5, to set the table. You put candles on the table. You use nice napkins. You call everyone together, and don't let them eat until you're all seated. You sing grace, or say grace, or do something fun to start the meal (holding hands is good, because it prevents others from digging in). Now dinner has an atmosphere, so it's an event, not just something that one eats.
While you're eating, you have a trivia book that you ask your oldest one to read from, or a joke book for your 8-year-old, or a list of conversation starters for older kids. You play a game, like Stump the Dad, where everyone has to think of a question he doesn't know, or you have to make him laugh. You talk about your day, or homework. Everyone has to share one thing that was good about the day, and one thing they hated (even dad).
Dinner is now something where people connect, and you can start this with kids as young as toddlers. Dad can even get involved. Now you're bonding.
You have a schedule as to who does the dishes, who puts the dishes in the dishwasher, and who clears the table. Everyone pitches in (including Dad). Those that aren't on the schedule are excused, but the others work. After dinner you play a game, or go for a walk together, or go kick the soccer ball around outside. You ALL do this. It becomes an evening routine.
What you'll find is that if dinner is more of an event, and the kids are involved in cleaning up, and you go outside after dinner, Dad will start developing more of a relationship with the kids. But notice that you're not making him do anything on his own; you're just organizing the family so that you all spend time together.
This won't happen overnight. You may have to push through their resentment or their complaints. But if you want a different sort of family life, don't let them ruin it for you! You're the mom. You set the tone for the house. You are not helpless! Talk to your husband about it, and tell him that kids do better in school when they eat dinner together and talk at the dinner table. Tell him it's important to you that you all get exercise. Show him that you're working for everyone's best interests, and make it fun! Don't get mad at people if they don't jump on the bandwagon at first; keep pushing, and they'll join in.
Deep down, people want to connect. They want to do family things. But if it hasn't been a habit, there may be resistance. But that doesn't mean they won't enjoy it, or won't do it eventually.
So tell your husband what's important to you, and set it up. Don't wait for him to do it. Make dinner an event, and plan something together afterwards, and you'll find your husband laughing more with the children.
Now it's your turn. How do you make family times happen when family doesn't always want to? How do you encourage your husband to be with the family? I want to hear from you! Just go to your own blog and write a post, copy the picture from the top of this post, and then come back and enter your URL in the Mr. Linky!
Or, if you don't have a blog, just leave some comments! We'd love to hear how you get your family together!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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, a card type game that even 7-year-olds can play, but we still play with only adults; Carcassone; 
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