My husband comes from a very competitive family. I love playing cards with them, but as a child Keith remembers a lot of tension around games, so he stopped playing after a while. My mother experienced something similar. Sometimes people are such sore losers, and take winning and losing so seriously, that it wrecks it for other people (and can even be quite disruptive).
I read a post recently by a mom who is worried that her son is getting too caught up in winning. The mom reports:
My almost 7yo boy likes to play games. However, if he makes a wrong move, answers wrong, or loses the game, his face is immediately red and the dam breaks with floods of tears. He is an only child, so no siblings to help him with this.
I’ve tried lately to play more games with him to work on his attitude but I am at a loss. We’ve talked about winning, losing and having fun playing the game, it’s okay to want to win, but it’s important to be gracious whether you win or lose, etc. etc. – but nothing works. His personality is dramatic and emotional “I can’t believe I missed that!”. Human pride at its peak. He bounces back quickly, apologizes and wants to play another game – but I’m at my wit’s end.
So what does she do?
Personally, I wouldn't make an overly big deal out of it yet. He's 7, and part of being young is learning how to (a) identify your emotions and (b) deal with your emotions. Many people are competitive, and that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Apparently boys who are competitive tend to do much better in school, and schools that encourage competitiveness tend to bring out the best in boys. Especially with males, it's often wired that way!
The problem, as this mom has identified, comes when they start judging themselves in terms of "works", or start feeling proud of themselves for it. Here's a way out, for those of you who are having the same problem!
1. Praise effort. After playing a game, I would reinforce what you know is true about your son, and reward him for TRYING, not just for accomplishing. In your house, keep the language of trying more positive than the language of winning. So say "congratulations for putting in such an effort". We do that in our homeschool, too. If they try at math, but don't do well, they get praised much more than if it was an easy lesson they breezed through.
Do this in every area of your child's life. It's effort that counts. To God, the heart matters, and then He's the one who brings the fruit, not us. So we should never take credit for our successes, but only for the effort we put into it. Try to do the same thing with your child!
2. Keep talking about how God sees your child. Just keep talking about how God sees us. I wouldn't lecture him at 7 on the psychology of winning, because I don't think kids that age get it. I would, however, surround him with truth. Tell your children that God made them for a purpose. Tell them that they are the way they are for a reason. Tell them that God put them together in exactly that way because they are perfectly made for what He has planned. Not everyone has to win at everything. But even those who are amazing card players or basketball players or Monopoly players lose at life if they don't live out God's plan. That's what counts. Talk about that all the time, and as your children grow up, they'll get it!
When they're teenagers this often hits even harder. Kids who don't feel good at things get very despondent. They don't see what they're worth. Fill your home with stories of ordinary people that God used simply because they were willing. Talk about how what matters is not ability as much as willingness and obedience. The world is full of talented people who have made a mess out of their lives. Mother Theresa wasn't particularly talented at anything. She just made herself available. Praise these things.
And for that reason, don't make sports a huge deal in your home. If your husband is a sports fanatic, I suppose that's okay (though I don't understand it :). But remember that sports can reinforce the wrong message. Our heroes are not athletes; our heroes should be those who use what God has given them (athletes can do this, of course, but that's not usually what we pride in them).
3. Teach your child to handle disappointment. Many children have really violent emotions. It hits them so hard they scream, or pick up the board and fling it across the room. It's not that they're bad; it's that the feeling is so overwhelming they don't know what to do with that. They're born with anger issues.
Part of your job as a parent is to teach the child to identify when they're entering into these angry phases so that they can stop the process before it gets going. Say to him or her, "You look like you're angry. Time to go kick the soccer ball around!" Give them an active way to blow off steam. But do identify the emotion, so that they can put a name to it (when I feel this way, I'm angry). It helps later on in life. So teach your child how to redirect those feelings.
I wouldn't punish a child for acting out when they lose. I'd try these things first. Remember that a child is not an adult. They don't yet know how to handle these strange emotions. And emotions, in and of themselves, are not bad. It's what they do with them that matters. So teach them not to sulk and not to become violent. Teach them instead truth about who they are. Reward effort, not achievement. And teach them to redirect negative feelings.
And you just may find that you enjoy playing games as a family much more!
Has anyone in your family had issues with anger? Anyone a sore loser? How did you deal with it?
As a child I loved board games. I dissected Monopoly, trying to find the best strategy. I taught myself chess from a book. I loved Sorry, and Life, and eventually Trivial Pursuit when it came out. But the problem was that I didn't have anyone to play with. As an only child, I used to try to play them myself, being two or three different people at a time.
My mother and step-father played with me occasionally, but it's hard as an only child, trying to amuse yourself. Maybe that's why as an adult I have made such an effort to have family games nights with my kids.
When children are little, games are hard because, quite frankly, most kids' games are boring. I could only take Candyland for so long. But as they grow, you can start playing REAL games. Before real games were possible in our house, we often put puzzles together, because that can be fun for the whole family, and at least it's a little challenging for you! Have the kids work on the edge pieces or the pattern pieces while you work on the hard clouds or something.
But now we do games. And not just typical ones, either. If you want the best games, you need to go to a specialty game or toy store. Wal-Mart just doesn't have all the good ones. Some of our favourites are Bohnanza, a card type game that even 7-year-olds can play, but we still play with only adults; Carcassone; Blokus ; The Settlers of Catan; and Ticket to Ride. They're really fun!
Last weekend we visited our former pastor who now heads up another church. He asked my husband and I to come and give the sermon on communication in marriage, and it was a ton of fun. Afterwards we relaxed at their house, talking for a few hours before making the trek home.
And we started talking about communication in families. I made the point that many kids no longer know how to be friends because they spend their lives texting each other rather than talking to each other. The other couple wasn't sure that was the case, since their kids text all the time but are still very socially aware. "But you guys eat together every single night!" I said. "Do you know how rare that is?"
And it's true. Children tend to learn communication skills from sitting and eating at the table. You can then expand that time to build real family memories by making one night of the week a games night, where technology stays off and everybody tries to be home. Some families do family movie nights, which can also be fun, but I strongly recommend a games night, because when you're watching a movie, you don't talk. When you're playing a game, you do.
My husband wasn't the biggest fan of games nights growing up, because his family was very competitive, and he didn't like the stress. As much as possible, try to minimize too much stress for your kids who can't handle it, but I do think it's good to learn to lose. Last night my 12 year old could not get good cards to save her life. Usually she plays very well, but it didn't work out for her yesterday. Yes, she was frustrated, but she still laughed a lot, and it was so much fun to connect.
I know it can be hard to have a games night with older children while you still have younger ones, but you can take turns entertaining the baby or the toddler, or set up special toys they have just for that time when the rest of you play a game. But do have a special night, every week if you can, when you eat together and play games. Family routine matters, and if you decide to make it a routine, it will get done. And then your kids will remember the togetherness, they'll remember the laughter, and they will feel much more connected to you and to each other!
Now you tell me: what games do you enjoy as a family? What works well with little children? What did you like growing up? We want to know!
This is a busy season in my life. I'm working hard, speaking hard, and somehow trying to homeschool my girls through it.
On the professional front, I have a number of goals that I want to meet by Christmas, and I'm well on my way to it.
But I feel discombobulated. I've been managing to keep on track with my devotions with God, which is vital, but I've lost out on "fun" time with my girls. We spend a lot of time schooling together, and doing church together, and even looking after other kids together, but just doing fun things? Hasn't happened lately.
And I haven't knit anything in an age! And I'm starting to feel it.
So last night, when I actually had some time and we had my niece and nephew over, we got out the Carcassone game. And we played! It was wonderful.
For those of you who have never played this game, it's a fun one. It's really easy to explain the rules (you can do so in under 5 minutes), and the game itself usually takes 30-45 minutes, so it's not overly long. Ages 8 and up can play. But it was great to do, because with my niece and nephew it's hard to know what to do with them. Usually these cousins tend to go off and play with my youngest, but lately I've been noticing that the play isn't the best.
They often bicker and argue, and they're at that age (pre-teen) when imagination games don't work as well. So they often insult each other instead. Not a good thing.
But we could never get niece and nephew to just play board games with the kids. Now that we've all played one together, I think my kids will be able to convince them to play sometime, even if Keith and I aren't involved. In fact, this morning my niece was playing with Katie, and that's great. It's much better than the other things they've been doing lately. It's just hard when family members don't share all your values. These kids watch movies & TV shows I won't let my kids watch, and sometimes they tease my kids because of it. My kids don't mind, but it also doesn't make them overly enamoured to play with their cousins.
With board games, you have a safer environment. It's structured, and everyone can have fun. The conversation is often centred on the game, rather than on teasing or one-upmanship. So it's a more positive environment.
When the kids were little we started with games I didn't like, like Candyland. But we graduated to MasterMind, Apples to Apples, Carcassone, and Blokus, and those even adults can enjoy!
We really are a games family, but for months the games haven't left the cupboard. We've just been too busy. And I forgot how fun they were.
Tonight the four of us played The Settlers of Catan. Now that is entertaining! Even teenage boys enjoy it. You have to be about 8 or 9 to understand the rules, but after that everyone has a great time. I've even played it with all adults!
I don't know why we go through these seasons in our lives when we don't do the things we enjoy and that bring the family together, but sometimes we get so busy we ignore the fun. I think we're going to try to play board games at least once a week again. It really does bring the family back to the table.
And when you're playing games, it's easier for regular conversation to happen naturally. The kids tell you what they're thinking about while they're rearranging their cards, or while it's someone else's turn. You really get to know what's going on inside their heads. Sometimes, if you just try to talk to kids, they don't tell you things. But if the conversation is secondary to something else (like a board game), it often flows more freely.
So the games have come back! Now I just need to start knitting again...
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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Stumble It!
, a card type game that even 7-year-olds can play, but we still play with only adults; Carcassone; 
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game. And we played! It was wonderful.
