When my children were first born, I did something radical. I didn't really decorate their room.
Part of it was a money issue; we had so little cash, and we were trying to save for a downpayment for a house. I thought putting our money into an apartment sized washing machine would be a far better use of our funds than buying cute little Noah's Ark wall hangings.
But part of it was also a conscious choice. I figured they were babies; what did it matter what their rooms looked like, as long as they had a comfortable place to sleep with an interesting mobile above the crib to look at? So we bought a sturdy crib, a practical change table, and a rocking chair where I could feed them. Everything else was kind of boring. In fact, until my oldest was four we actually stored our Christmas decorations in their room, in a pile in the corner.
Here's the clincher: I knew that throughout the day, they would be spending most of their time in the family room, not in their bedrooms. They would need to be where I was; so why put all kinds of money and time into a room that they really only used for sleeping? I wanted to keep the living room in our small house as fun for them as possible, so I often sacrificed some of the comfort in their bedrooms--where they rarely were--for the family space we all shared.
I think modern parents pay far too much attention to children's rooms. We want to create a fairytale for them, but honestly, how important is that? I have seen 3-year-olds with televisions in their rooms. I have seen six-year-olds with video games and computers in their rooms. And it's a big mistake.
When children hit the teenage years, they will need some privacy. Giving them a nice, bright, comfortable room where they can do homework, read, and practice an instrument or something is good.
When they're 8, they don't need that. What they do need is an incentive to be with the family. We spend far too much time in North America cocooning in our own individual places than we do hanging out, all together, in common space.
I respect the urge to try to create a comfortable home for your child; I really do. It is admirable to want to provide for your child and to nurture your child.
What I don't agree with, though, is how our society comes to define "providing for" and "nurturing". We think that this means that our kids should have access to all the latest gear. Really, I think nurturing our children means giving kids access to each other and to us. They need family far more than they need a television.
What happens when kids have a television in their bedroom? They sleep less. They gain weight. They score lower on reading and math tests. And perhaps most importantly, they're more likely to start smoking and get involved in other delinquent activities, even controlling for all other factors.
While the health and educational factors are important, it's that last one I want to talk about. When kids have televisions and computers in their room, they are more likely to make lifestyle and moral choices that you would not approve of. Why would you want your kids doing that?
And the reason they do that is because their lives have now become more and more separate from you. Kids with TVs in their rooms live in their rooms, not in the kitchen or the family room, where they can hang out with you. And perhaps just as importantly, they tend to live solitary lives, not lives with their siblings. If you've ever wondered why our kids squabble so much, perhaps it's because they aren't forced to play together or cure boredom together. Instead, they just retreat to their rooms to be entertained on their own.
I really can't think of anything much more destructive in a family than encouraging your child to coccoon, all without you. Kids need input from us. They need conversation. They need meal times. They need to have fun! But we're letting them grow up by themselves, in their wonderfully decorated room with every little gadget. It's wrong.
This year my family started enforcing family games night. We've had it theoretically for years, but somehow other things often intruded: meetings or dinner engagements or kids' activities. Not so now. It's every Tuesday night. I've stopped accepting speaking engagements on Tuesdays (except this one, because I'm away for a whole week! But my family is playing without me!). The kids don't work or get together with friends on that night. And that night we have a great dinner, and then pull out the board games and laugh and laugh altogether.
Let's provide for our kids. Let's give them a great living environment. But that environment should not be in their own rooms, where they're encouraged to spend time far away from the rest of the family. It should be altogether.
I find that my girls need to talk about the stuff of life, but that conversation usually only comes after we've been together for a while. They need to be comfortable opening up. After we've been goofing around or chatting or cooking together for a little bit, suddenly out will come this torrent of feelings about friends, or youth group, or their futures, or whatever. But it only comes after that initial bonding time.
If your lives consist mostly of gathering the children for the practical functions of life, like putting food on their plates or collecting homework or ascertaining everybody's schedules, and then you separate during your leisure times, I doubt that kind of opening up will happen. If your children hang out in their own rooms, rather than in the family room with siblings, I doubt great friendships will develop.
So here's an idea: think about how you want your kids to turn out. What values do you want them to have? How do you want them to act? Now, does your physical home reflect those values, or are you undermining them? If your kids coccoon, you're undermining them. And maybe it's time for a readjustment.
What do you think? Does your family have a central place where you hang out? Where is it?
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
The end of the summer is just around the corner (I feel like weeping as I type that!), but many of us still have a few weeks before the new year hits us in full force. Which means that we can probably grab a few hours--or more--to do something vitally important.
And may I suggest something?
Take a good, hard look at your bedroom.
In all the busy-ness of life, we often use the bedroom as our fallback for "stuff". We don't know where else to put it, so it ends up in the bedroom! And that bed is so deliciously big, with a nice big surface at a good height, so why not sort laundry on it? Even if you'll never actually get everything folded today, because the kids will call, and you'll forget all about it until the evening, when you have to throw the laundry onto the floor to climb in!
I have known friends who have neat houses, but their bedrooms are atrocious. You can barely move in there, because they have so much junk stored that they can't part with. Or they focus on keeping the kids clean, that they completely ignore their own bedroom.
I think that's a mistake. Your bedroom should actually be the most important room in the house--more important than the kitchen, the living room, or the family room. The family functions well when the couple functions well. If you are hoping to entertain, that will always work better if you and your husband are on the same page. You will be a better parent if you and your husband feel intimate. And you won't feel intimate in a bedroom that's a mess.
So here are my quick thoughts on how to make your bedroom an oasis for your marriage:
1. Don't Use Your Bedroom as a Storage Room.
Keep things in other places of the house, or you'll start getting into the habit of throwing stuff in your bedroom so you can "deal with it later". Later never comes. If you don't have enough storage space, be brutal about giving things away/throwing stuff out. But don't let your bedroom become so messy that it's no fun to be in there!
2. Keep Kids out of the Bedroom
My children always piled into bed early in the morning, to wake us up, but they didn't sleep with us. When your children are young, help them to learn to sleep in their own beds. You and your husband need that couple time.
3. Choose decorations that work for both of you.
Most men don't care much about decorations, but they'd still probably feel more comfortable with solid colours than pink florals. Even if you got the comforter free from an aunt, it's probably best to chuck it so that the bedroom reflects the two of you together.
4. Don't Do Work in Your Bedrooom
This one's tough for me, because I like having the laptop in bed with me. But in general, try to keep household chores and work chores out of the bedroom, so that the bedroom remains a place of rest. Don't fold laundry in there. Don't pay your bills in there. If you start to do work in your bedroom, then work STUFF will start to accumulate in your bedroom. Do you really want that? Keep your bedroom for sleep, talking, and fun!
5. Think Carefully About a TV in your Bedroom
Many couples have a TV in their bedrooms. They love lying together at night and watching the tube. But it's not always a good idea. First, one person could drift off that way, and then you've never had a chance to talk. Second, it crowds out other stuff that could happen in the bedroom.
When my husband and I watch a movie at night, we do it in the family room. Then we have to get up, turn off the lights, and retire to the bedroom. We're both awake. We're both climbing into bed at the same time. And then we can talk, snuggle, or whatever!
But if there were a TV in there, I might decide to keep watching it after he fell asleep. And we might not talk much at all! So keep the TV out of your room, if possible.
6. Fill your Room with Romance
Make sure there are candles in your room (along with something to light them with). Keep a Bible handy--I've written before how there is little that binds you together more (and gets you in the mood) like reading a Psalm before bed. You feel close because you're spiritually close, and then you want to express it in other ways. Trust me.
Keep a little book you like reading aloud to each other. Or a notebook where you can talk about important things and jot things down. In other words, keep things by your bed that will help with communication, not hinder it (like a TV)! And then use them!
Show your husband that you value the time that you have together at night by putting some effort into keeping the bedroom nice. It really is just yours and his. You're not trying to impress anybody. But if you keep it inviting for him, then you show him that you actually want to be with him. That the room is important to you--as is what you do in that room!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Do you struggle with keeping your bedrooom an oasis in a busy home? What do you do? What do you feel like you should be doing more of? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
So I'm just back from vacation, and I have some living and laughing and loving to tell you about to get caught up.
First, the laughing. Never ever ever ever drink 4 Diet Cokes right before boarding an overnight flight where you have to sleep. I quit drinking Diet Pepsi this year, but I ordered some on Hawaii on vacation, and at the restaurant we went to for dinner they just kept filling it up. I did not sleep on the overnight flight, and boy was I grumpy.
I am now severely jetlagged, but hopefully I'll come around soon. The really bad part is that I remembered how much I liked Diet Pepsi. And now I have to quit all over again. So not only am I jetlagged and tired, I'm trying to stop the caffeine fix again. Never a good mix.
While I was away I watched multiple episodes of Clean House, as I blogged about earlier this week. And I came home all excited to redo my computer room! One of my main gripes about my house is that I don't really have a guest room. We have a futon in my study, which opens up to a bed, but it looks like an office with computers and papers and files everywhere. Well, tonight we went to Sears and found an awesome computer armoire that hides everything away! It holds my computer, fax, printer, files, binders, paper and CDs. I'm so excited! Best of all, we got the floor model which is 50% off. So now I get to go declutter! I'm just a happy homemaker right now.
How about some love? My interview on The Joyful Christian Wife blog is up about Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight! We've been talking about that booka lot lately, but here's me being interviewed for a change. A taste:
JCW: In your experience, what is the main difference between husbands and wives and how they view intimacy?
SWG: Men make love to feel loved; women need to feel loved in order to make love! So we see intimacy as relational, whereas they see it as more physical.
Now, here's the rub: often women feel superior to men over this! We're the ones who are far deeper; they're the ones who are so superficial. All they want is the physical, whereas we want the deep connection. So we see ourselves are their moral superiors.
We need to get out of that, and realize that this is simply a difference in the way we are made! It isn't that men need relationship less; it's that they experience it in a different way. They yearn for sex essentially to feel close and intimate, whereas we yearn for emotional intimacy first. But just because the men want physical intimacy doesn't mean that it's a lesser form of intimacy, or that they're more like lizards than they are human beings.
Now, you want a peek inside my brain? I really think I have an adult form of ADD sometimes, because I have all these big plans running through my head at any one time, and it's so hard for me to focus on one thing and get it done. So here are all the things I'm thinking about right now:
- When am I going to go grocery shopping? All there is is mayo and ketchup in my fridge after our vacation. - I want my new computer armoire! - Wouldn't it be great to finish those socks I was knitting on the plane? - A bubble bath would feel great right about now. - I need to email in my book proposal that I finished yesterday. - I think I'd like a new duvet cover. I wonder how much it would cost to make one? And how expensive would it be? - This weekend I think I'll redo my storage room so I have room for all the stuff I'm taking out of my office. - This weekend I think I'll redo my summer clothes after watching 27 episodes of What Not to Wear on vacation. - This weekend I think I'll write three columns and get ahead of the game! - This weekend I think I'll organize all my sewing stuff so it's not all over my office. - This weekend I think I'll sleep.
I've been trying to decorate around here. I've decided to take a different area each week for the summer and just move around stuff and tidy things up, and get a box ready for Goodwill.
So last night I tackled my music room. I had lovely ceramic flower arrangements on my piano, but they didn't match the decor. They're sort of retro now, but my grandmother had them, and they meant a lot to me. So I moved them to my bathroom around my bathtub. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier.
I know now fewer people will see them, but everytime I do I think back of visiting Poppa & Dorothy (his new wife) as a teenager, and relaxing in their home, and reading, and laughing, and enjoying wonderful meals. All these thoughts come flooding back, and when Poppa finally died, these are the first things I grabbed (that's another horrible story; let's just say that my grandfather's step son who now owned the house had a 1-800 Got Junk truck in the driveway of his house within three hours of arriving in Ottawa to loot the house. I took what I could get quickly).
So they're meaningful to me, but not to anyone else, and they didn't really look that great. Here they are now:
Sorry the picture isn't better, but you can really see them when you stand in the bathroom!
Then, on the piano, I moved some old books that we had stacked in a bookhelf haphazardly. I also moved my grandfather's Hummels, which seemed to blend with the decor better than the flowers did. So here's my piano now:
I'm still not completely satisfied with it, because obviously I need a lampshade for the lamp, and it would be nice to be able to get rid of the metronome and that silly book decoration thing between the hummels, but it houses my mailbox key and glasses, and it's the best place to put it, since it's right near our front door. So sometimes you need compromises!
Here are the books we moved so you can see them better:
They're just old novels. They're not worth anything, but I like them. The main thing I collect is old textbooks. We even use some in our homeschool!
So here is the bookshelf now that we removed some mess:
The middle shelf is a mess, but that's our devotions shelf. Every morning we all sit in the music room and grab our Bibles (there are about 10 on that shelf in different versions) and read. It's a lovely time together, so the Bibles need to be close at hand.
Anyway, that was my tackle. I'll have to do the basement sometime soon, and that's truly scary!
Thanks for dropping by! Why don't you stay a while? I've got posts on mothering, schools, marriage, and tons more!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
