We get married with stars in our eyes, expecting everything to be great. But then something happens: we have issues with sex; we don't see eye to eye on kids; we don't feel loved.
And where do we turn for help? When a couple honestly needs help, or a wife honestly needs advice, what do you do?
Part of the problem in the church is that marriage is SO revered that it's hard to admit you're having problems. If you fail at marriage, you fail at The Big One, so to speak, and so it's hard to speak up. I don't think most pastors would mind or would judge you if you came in for advice, though. Nor would most older women. But it's this idea that we have that often stops us.
Or maybe you go to the other extreme. You talk to everyone about your problems. Not a good idea. First, you're really betraying confidences with your husband. And second, you don't know how many people those women are going to tell. People may start seeing your husband differently, because they're only hearing one side of the story.
If you absolutely must pray and talk to someone (and periodically we all do), pick one person with your husband's approval, and have him pick one person. And make sure that person will keep it confidential! My husband has had a mentoring relationship with a man fifteen years his senior for a few years now. They go out for breakfast once a month, and I honestly don't know what they talk about. I'm pretty sure that they talk about their marriages, but I'm fine with that. He's a mature Christian, and I absolutely trust his opinion.
Do you have that older woman you can talk to? For many of us, the internet seems to fulfill that need, because we can ask questions, and we can even pray with people online. But we still need the face to face help every now and then. It's not always because we're having a big crisis. Sometimes it's just a reality check. There's a woman I like to call when I'm wondering if I'm really right, or if I'm just being selfish. I need someone to bounce something off of. It's not that our marriage is at stake; not at all. But sometimes you just need that listening ear.
This is biblical, too! The older women are supposed to help the younger women figure out how to love their husbands. So find an older woman you can talk to, and call on her for advice. Most women would love to be a mentor!
But what do you do if your questions are of a more personal--ahem--nature? I mean, what if you're having an issue in the area of sex that you just can't share with anyone? It's a burning question, and you really want the answer to it, or at least someone else's opinion, but you just can't ask it in your circles?
Well, I get a bunch of questions coming through my email and from marriage conferences and teleseminars I do. I think there's a pent up demand for real Christian advice in this area, and anonymous, when it comes to sex questions, is usually the way to go!
So I've decided to write an ebook called "Sex Questions You're Afraid to Ask Your Pastor
". I've set up some web forms where you can enter your questions anonymously, and a different one where you can enter your email so that you can be notified when the questions are all answered!
Do you have a question you really want answered? It doesn't matter how X-rated or risquee it is. I think we as Christians especially need to be able to talk about these things. I'm not God, and my word isn't gospel. But I've spent a lot of time studying and counseling in this area, and I'll give all questions my prayerful answers.
If you have questions you want answered, just go here
to enter them. I've got a bunch already, but I'd love to have more! And I really do want to help those of you who just don't know where to turn.
And now, do you have any challenges for us as wives today? Do you have advice you want to leave us with? How do you find a mentor, and what do you do when you need to talk to someone? We'd love to know! Just write your own post on your blog and then come back here and leave the URL in the Mr. Linky!