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Wifey Wednesday: Don't Project Your Guilt Onto Him!

Two weeks ago I was really down in the dumps. I felt like nobody in my family really understood me or supported my speaking ministry.

They loved me, sure. They told me that, they hugged me, they helped me around the house. But they didn't ask about my speaking, and sort of seemed disappointed everytime I had to go (even though I'm home 90% of the time because I homeschool). If you've read me for a while, you'll know I just had a little pity party.

Anyway, I ended up talking to them about it, and guess what happened today!

I had to drive 2 1/2 hours this morning to a women's outreach I was giving, and Keith got up at 6:00 a.m. to make me breakfast. Isn't that sweet? I've never gotten up at 6:00 when he's had to go to work early. I'm going to have to make it a point to do that sometime soon!

And then when I came home I found out that my 11-year-old had completely cleaned my study. Even my craft closet. She organized my yarn, she shredded all the paper that needed shredding, she moved stuff around so it looks better. It's wonderful!

So I'm feeling very loved and very silly for my pity party. My family does appreciate me, and I appreciate my family. It was a good day.

But it reminded me of something. There are times when we see the worst in our family members. Often, if I'm honest with myself, those times are hormonal, but sometimes it's because we simply haven't communicated to them what we need.

However, the problem may go even deeper than that. I've been wrestling a lot with guilt over my speaking for the last few years. My family comes first, and I've always felt a little torn everytime I have to go away overnight. I wonder if this is worth it, if God has really called me to this, or if I'm just pursuing it on my own.

I put myself through the wringer on it, and start to accuse myself of all sorts of things. Am I in it for the pride? Do I just want the recognition? Do I think being a mother isn't enough? And then I can take a different tack: what right do you have to give advice anyway? Do you think you're better than everyone else?

You know the things we women say to ourselves.

But here's the issue: the areas in our lives where we are most likely to feel guilty are also those that we are most likely to project onto others. So if I'm feeling guilty about speaking too much, and my family doesn't gush all over my speaking engagements, I assume they're mad at me because that's what I'm feeling. Or maybe you're feeling guilty about not losing weight, and whenever your husband orders a water instead of a pop at a restaurant you feel like he's silently judging you. Do you ever experience that?

We tend to assume other people are mad at us for the very things that we struggle with, when in reality those issues may not even be on their radar screens. So what I've realized is that I need to own my feelings. They are mine. I have to stop attributing these feelings to Keith, or my kids. They are not trying to make me feel guilty; I was doing that just fine on my own.

So ask yourself this: what is the one area where you are most sensitive right now? Is it about your sex life? Your work? Your relationship with your mother? Name it. Often we hide from these things because we don't want to face our feelings, but name it to yourself.

Now, ask yourself this question: have I been assuming that my husband is mad at me for that, too? Have I been supersensitive to other people about this issue? Talk to them about it, and try, from now on, to not assume the worst in people. Don't project your guilt onto them. You'll find your marriage, and your life, goes so much better!
Do you have some marriage advice you want to share with us? Just write a post on your own blog and then come back here and enter the URL in the Mr. Linky! And please don't use the URL for things that aren't marriage related (if anyone knows how to remove an inappropriate link from Mr. Linky, can you tell me?)

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At 8:20 PM , Anonymous Full Time Mom said…

I'm a full time mom and there are indeed days when I feel so down. The good thing about it is that when I try to open up to my husband, he seems to surprise me on how he makes it a point to make me feel special. Good luck on your speaking engagements.


At 10:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

Oh... this is a REALLY good one! Have you been reading my mind.
Thanks for speaking the truth. It brings freedom and helps us women realize that we are not alone in the things we battle with.
You're a trooper! And kudos to Keith.
He's one great man!


At 3:56 AM , Blogger Mrs. Querido said…

Oh so good! Thank you for enlightening me....I needed it. I really struggle with the need to "people-please" and have everyone happy with me. I definitely needed to hear this post! Thank you!

Oh, I really enjoyed your got me re-thinking how I think about sex between me and my hubby. Thanks for your candor... :)


At 8:20 PM , Blogger Wifey said…

Great post. I just did this to my husband. I was feeling a little disapointed with myself and questioned him as though he was the one disapointed in me! This is something we all should be aware of. Great advice...

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About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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