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Wifey Wednesday: Why Sex Belongs in Marriage

I read a lot of political blogs, probably more than is good for my emotional health, because they get me so worked up. I love Instapundit, but every now and then he makes a throwaway comment about sex, like, "I'm all for sex. We should all get as much as possible!", and then berates Christian conservatives for calling for sex to be all in marriage.

But I don't think this view has any logical consistency. Basically, he believes that if young people want to have sex, they should. His wife is a psychiatrist, and she's said similar things: that sex is healthy for our psyches, and we shouldn't stop people, as long as they're being safe and responsible.

And that's the line: be safe and responsible. But follow that to its logical extreme. Do we really think 12-year-olds should be having sex as much as possible, as long as they're safe? Let's even assume that condoms can protect 100% against pregnancy and disease (which they can't), and that 12-year-olds use them all the time, would these people be a little uncomfortable with sexually promiscuous 12-year-olds?

I would guess the answer would be yes.

But if so, why? This is where the position breaks down. If sex really is just about having fun, then what is wrong with 12-year-olds doing it frequently? The only reason could be that they aren't mature enough. But then you're implying that you need to be mature about it. And why is that? Because sex affects the heart. You bond with the person you make love with, even if you don't intend to. And so your heart can easily be broken.

Or, conversely, if you have sex indiscriminantly, you can start to rewire your brain so that you don't emotionally bond with the person. And then sex is no longer capable of producing that bond for you. So when you do get married, sex doesn't draw you together. Sure, it's fun, but it's lost that special aspect to it because you have diminished it.

I think what people miss out on is that sex is a spiritual, and not just a physical, experience. That's why you shouldn't just go sleeping around with anybody, because something occurs in the relationship.

God made us to keep sex just for marriage for a reason. And the weird thing is that if you follow His design, you actually tend to end up with better sex, according to the surveys! And you don't have to worry about disease, or pregnancy before you're ready, or anything. It's so much less stress. But people don't want to admit that, because if they do, they might also have to admit that there is a right and a wrong.

I know sex can be difficult for many married couples. Some women just feel like they weren't born with much of a sex drive, and it becomes a hassle. But don't give up! Just have hope that things can change, and work towards that. Sex really is beautiful--in the right context!

My book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood, can help if you don't have much of a sex drive.

Or you can download a talk that Keith and I gave on romance here.

Why don't you share your thoughts on marriage? Just copy the graphic at the top, and then post it on your blog and write about marriage. Come on back here, enter the URL of your post in the Mr. Linky, and we'll see what you have to say!

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At 9:48 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

"if you have sex indiscriminantly, you can start to rewire your brain so that you don't emotionally bond with the person. And then sex is no longer capable of producing that bond for you. So when you do get married, sex doesn't draw you together."

This is a constant struggle for me in my marriage. I was wild before I became a Christian in my second year of college and my previous lifestyle is totally affecting my marriage now. There are so many mental barriers that I have created that I now have to work through. I let quite a few men into that bond with me, thinking I would be fulfilled emotionally or something.

The whole idea of sexual intimacy has been so perverted in my mind now that I often feel that sex can only be dirty and carnal. Though it is certainly neither of those things (when the stars align and I actually can get past those mental blocks to enjoy being with my husband), it's getting past them and letting my husband in that is so difficult.

I just thought I would share that for the women that are working through the same issues, and the young women and girls that may be walking down the same path I used to.


At 10:35 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

I have struggled with this exact same thing, Anonymous #1. Thank you for sharing your issue with us on this topic. It just shows that we are not alone in our struggles.

I have found that if I start having those mental blocks when I'm trying to be intimate with my husband, the best thing to do is to think on the verses of Song of Solomon. "I am my Beloved's and he is mine" for example. There are many others.

To anyone who is struggling in this area, I encourage you to read that whole book, beginning to can do it in one day, almost one sitting. And then ask the Lord to give you specific verses to focus on. Read them daily; memorize them; repeat them to yourself; make it heart-felt. They will come to you when you need them most.

And this will work in ANY situation where you are struggling with past sins, or present sins. Search the scriptures for your particular situation. Apply God's word to your life, whole-heartedly, and you will be healed! It may not be over-night, but it will happen!


At 3:51 PM , Blogger Katrina said…

Up until lately, I have been fine with having sex once a week, maybe even less on occasion. (my husband may say longer.) But recently began realizing (as I posted) how important it is to have a healthy sex life within a marriage, and how good it can truly be.
I really struggled with a low sex drive, but lately, as I have decided to initiate more and do it more for my husband, I have begun wanting to do it more. It's amazing how God works in areas like that!


At 3:30 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

Psychological problems need to be addressed if they are the predominant cause of erection problems. If not, drugs are unlikely to restore enjoyable and satisfying sexual intimacy to your relationship. One must learn how to manage stress.

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Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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