Sheila's Books
Click on the covers to read more or order autographed copies!

My Webrings

Crazy Hip Blog Mamas Members!



Medical Billing
Medical Billing

For ALL Your Graphic Needs

Dine Without Whine - A Family 

Friendly Weekly Menu Plan
Wifey Wednesday: The Turning Point
It's Wednesday, the day when I introduce a marriage topic, and then the rest of you either comment or write your own Wifey Wednesday post!

This will be my last post until after Christmas, too. I'm going to cocoon a little bit away from the computer with my family. But I may still check in to comment on some comments or something!

We've had some interesting discussions about marriage lately. It all started last week with the post "Doormats or Wives", which started a great comment thread, that's worth reading on its own.

In that thread, and the follow-up post on the Saturday, some of you talked about how your marriage had done a 180 degree turn. At one point your marriage looked pretty pathetic, but then something happened. Today I want to talk about that something.

Yesterday we also had some marriage talk in the comments about a local church. Some of you were (or are) in conflict with your husbands about where to attend church, and I know such decisions are really difficult. So for those who have already weathered the storm, what happened? What made the storm pass?

In some of your stories, it seemed simply to be a matter of maturity. Sometimes we're just young when we get married, and as we mature, marriage becomes stronger. In others, outside counseling helped us see each other's point of view. And in still others, it was just prayer.

Let me tell you a bit of my story. When we were first married, I had major trust issues. I had been rejected repeatedly as a child, and then my husband had also broken off our engagement before we reconciled and eventually married. So I was paranoid that he was going to leave me, and opening up was not easy for me. I had been so desperate to get him down the aisle and actually commit that I hadn't given much thought to what came afterwards. I guess I thought marriage would be easy.

Because I had trust issues, though, I also had sex issues. I won't go into all the details, but needless to say that I could not figure out what all the fuss was about. My husband, who was in his early twenties, definitely wanted the fuss. I did not. So we had major conflict for the first part of our marriage.

The turning point came when I decided not to be hurt. I was focusing so much on my own issues--"he only wants me for one thing, he doesn't really care about me, he won't show me love"--that I didn't really look at the other side--"am I showing him love?". And once I made the emotional commitment to love him (and really throw myself into sex, too, but that was only a part of it), things started working much better. I really did love him. I started thinking about the things that I was grateful for about him. I stopped being so sensitive.

But it was difficult, and it took a few years to get to that point. When you're in the middle of a quite serious hurt, it's hard to see the other person's perspective. But when you decide to love regardless, amazing things can happen.

God was also doing a work in Keith's heart, and he came to basically the same decision around the same time I did. Never ever discount what God can do in your spouse's heart. But that's the key, I think: God does it, not you.

For me, then, the key was a shift in my own attitude, and a submission to God, which also led to the same thing in my husband. I can honestly say that we're so grateful for each other and we're ridiculously lovey-dovey all the time now. But it wasn't always like that.

I believe that it is a spiritual principle that God tends to start working when we are in submission to Him. Even if you are not the principle problem in your marriage (ie. your husband is doing something wrong/sinful/selfish), the more you hold on to the hurt, the less God works. I was reading in my devotions today about how God "pleads the case of the orphan". God likes pleading the case of the person who is wronged. He does stand up for the wronged person.

But He tends to do it once we have stopped pleading our case. When we hand our case over to God, He works. When we try to fix it, He can't. And I find that when I have handed things over to God, then He has started working in the other person's heart (I think my husband would tell a similar story. It was when He surrendered that God worked on me, too, because it really was quite simultaneous).

That doesn't mean that we don't confront, or use consequences, as we talked about over the weekend in the Doormats or Wives post. I'm not saying that we need to hold up the white flag to let God work. I'm saying we need to hand our emotional needs over to God; our need to be right; our need to have our husbands admit they were wrong; our need to have them love us completely and utterly. These are all needs, but it is to God that we must turn, not our husbands. When we are expecting these things from our husbands, then God can't work in the same way because we've set up a very negative dynamic, both emotionally and spiritually. When we turn to God, things change.

So let me know your story. What flipped the switch in your marriage? Leave it in the comments, or better still, write your own Wifey Wednesday post, and then come and link it back here!

My book, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother, has several chapters on how to change the dynamic in your marriage. If you're stuck, and want to move ahead, it makes a great Christmas gift to yourself!

Bookmark and Share

Stumble Upon Toolbar

To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Labels: , , ,


At 11:06 AM , Anonymous Tanya Glanzman said…

Thank you for issuing the challenge to write on this topic- I need to post more often on my blog but don't do a very good job. I need all the help that I can get!!
I am not sure why it say's The Turning Poig but oh well :)


At 11:40 AM , Blogger Alex Headrick said…

I think I've posted my story here but basically we were married in our very eary twenties. My husband was a ministry major and we were in love. I had rejection issues though and so did he. Early into our married he started to lie about little things, spend money when we didn't have it, became addicted to internet porn, etc.

What changed was partly maturity, and partly God. It's been five years since we met, and he's finally gotten to the point where shame is not an issue. He talked to me about his past, the abuse he took as a child, and then sought out counsel from our church, joining a men's bible study.

We still have our issues, but he is becoming a great man of God and we just enjoy each other so much. I'm so glad I stuck it out.

I think all people come to marriage with a rule book, of how they grew up and how marriage should be, and they don't always match. We also bring baggage. That's why it's so important to A)love the other person unconditionally (and that means continually fogiving as God forgave us), and B) trusting God to help you both.

The bad years were worth it. Because we became stronger. When you walk through the fire together, you come out with two very strongly bonded people.


At 3:23 PM , Blogger Tessa said…

We got married at 19 (just a few months shy of 20) and I know 100% that he is the man that God put on this earth for me. We've been married for 5 years now.
He is my best friend, is a great dad, and, unlike most men, isn't afraid to scrub a toilet.
That being said, we are two imperfect people and it is therefore impossible to me to expect to have a perfect marriage.
I was severely depressed when we first got married which caused him to withdraw into his work (which consisted of hanging out with my brother, his co-worker). It was very difficult for him to make me happy. He changed jobs, we moved away from my mom (I used her as a crutch) and I went on medication. All things that finally started to stabalize out most of our marriage. I was able to work more and therefore our finances weren't as precarious. I actually started cooking a meal once in a while and was able to get motivated enough to help with housework.
During the last few years I went of the medication to become pregnant and we moved and he switched jobs again. Another new chapter in our lives. I gave birth shortly after the move and despite the rocky start that I had with being a mom, I now am fully in love with that role.

The problem lies in the fact that I forget about my role as a wife. I am much better with cooking and cleaning and those "wifely" duties, but my husband needs the other side of being a wife as well. We actaully went to bed very angry at eachother last night (I was already having a bad day and he chose to play computer all night instead of spending time with the family). He never reads devotions unless I ask but he read it silently and then asked if he could read it aloud. It was about admitting your transgressions. And apologizing for them. We still went to bed angry but after reading your post today I know that I have some real soul searching to do. I need to be the wife that he needs, regardless of whether I am getting what I need from him as my husband. Oye vey, that's a tough one to swallow!
So I'm praying that I will come to the same point that you did, with submitting to God and letting Him determine how I act towards my husband. No turning point to tell of yet but we've already come a long way and I know that we will keep moving forward. I want to get back to that lovey dovey stage!


At 4:52 PM , Anonymous Kiesha @ Highly Favored said…

My husband and I married when I was 17 and he was 20 - needless to say we've had some major tribulations along the way. We've dealt with issues of double infidelity and eventually separation. But one day something happened...God waved his hand and soften our hearts. In fact, the whole ordeal is what drew me closer to God, so even though at the time, my life was in an uproar, I can now thank God for it - because it made our marriage and both of us stronger and better people.

Post a Comment
<< Home

About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

See my complete profile

Follow This Blog:

 Subscribe to To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Follow on Twitter:
Follow on Facebook:

Important Links
Previous Posts

Popular Archived Posts
Christian Blogs
Mom Blogs
Marriage/Intimacy Blogs
Blogs For Younger/Not Yet Married Readers
Housework Blogs
Cooking/Homemaking Blogs
Writing Links
Blog Design by Christi Gifford

Images from

Related Posts with Thumbnails