I'm currently recovering from a weekend where I fed 15 extra people every meal and snack they ate, and housed 8 extra people in my house. My kids were having a practice for the quizzing team they're on, and while it was great fun, it was also extremely exhausting.
Last night, as my oldest and I were snuggling and debriefing, we talked about a propensity she has to get mad at herself when she starts making mistakes. I told her she had to learn to curb that, especially in a team situation. She replied that that was who she was; and she couldn't fix it, no matter what. It was part of her personality, even though she didn't like it.
So we talked about that issue a bit, and I mentioned that last year she was way worse than she was this year. This year she rarely broke down; last year she did quite frequently. So even though the struggle is still there, it has minimized. And there's no reason not to expect it to continue to get better, with God's help.
It's like that verse in Romans 8:29: we are being transformed into the likeness of His Son. It doesn't say we ARE transformed; it says we are BEING trasnformed. We're not perfect, but we're moving in that direction.
That's one reason why I think God often sees us in terms of arrows rather than pinpoints on a map. If you remember your senior high school algebra, we're vectors, we're not points. We're people with a direction and a momentum, not with a static place in the circle of what it means to be saved. And what God is concerned about is whether or not we're moving closer to the centre of the circle, not where we are within that circle. He's happier with a person who is barely inside the circle who is moving towards the centre than with someone who is close to the centre but moving away.
Take a woman who is exploring faith, for instance. She knows she needs God. She's starting to pray. She's questioning the major things in her life. But she's still living with her boyfriend; she still swears; she still gets drunk occasionally. But she's seriously searching.
Isn't God more pleased and excited about her than He is with a woman who is married, with kids, who has known Him for years, but who gets her entire Christian identity from going to church? She rarely prays, can't remember when she last read Scripture, is judgmental in her heart, and is often short and frustrated with everyone around her. She's not demonstrating grace or love; she's coasting on being a Christian for decades. She figures she's safe, so she just doesn't think much about God in her daily life.
I wish we could stop thinking of people as points on the circle of salvation and instead think of people as arrows, as I think God does. Often we dismiss those outside the circle, thinking they're hopeless, because their lives look so wrong to us. But if their hearts are searching, they're moving towards God. But we think we are safe just because we identify with God, without actually trying to be transformed at all.
I'm not talking salvation; that's a separate issue and far too deep theologically for me after the big weekend I've had. I'm just saying that I think we need to be ask ourselves, are we moving closer to God, or away from Him? I can look at my daughter and see the changes that God has done in her over the last year, even if she can't see them herself. I can see how she's maturing in Him, and how she prays, and I can see how she's working out difficult issues of faith. I'm proud of her. Is she perfect? No, but neither are any of us. But at least she's aware of that, and wants to continue to move in that direction, now that she sees that God is changing her.
But God doesn't change us unless we open ourselves up to Him. We can't rest on our laurels, assuming that we have arrived. I know I will never be perfect this side of heaven. I can see all the things I don't like about myself. But I think God cares more about whether I'm growing in Him than whether those things are there. I don't think He wants me to beat myself up as much as He wants me just to continue to seek Him out.
So which way are you going? Towards Him, or away from Him? What trajectory are you on? Even if you don't look like the "typical" Christian woman, that doesn't matter one bit. The main thing is whether you're starting to look more like Jesus. That's what God cares about, and it's what we should be concerned about, too.
It's Monday morning, and I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well, and it's driving me crazy. But I am trying to wake up by getting some thoughts down that have been running through my head all weekend.
Religion is a great motivator for change. When we honestly know God, and want to do what He asks us to do, we're far more likely to head in the right direction.
But within religion, and especially the Protestant stream of it, there's a danger to the over-spiritualization of problems. Let me explain what I mean.
Let's say that you're struggling with gambling or something. You go to a church and you hear a great message on how we need to repent of any sin we're committing and get right with God. We're touched. We feel that God is calling us. And so we go to the altar and we hand it over to God.
Then what?
I think there's a reason that Alcoholics Anonymous has been so successful with helping people defeat addictions, and why churches often refer people there. They don't ONLY spiritualize the problem (although the spiritual is a big part of the treatment); they also give you very practical steps of what you should do.
I'm thinking about this in relation to a marriage conference that my husband and I are teaching at in three weeks. It seems to me that quite often at these types of conferences you hear a lot of talks on how marriage is not about what you want; it's about what God wants. You need to put your spouse's needs first. You need to love your spouse. You need to forgive your spouse. And it's a moving experience.
But Christianity is not just about getting our hearts right; it's about walking, everyday, in little steps that get us in the right direction. And I think God would rather have one individual who struggled with her marriage but who made concrete steps to love her husband more than one who completely surrendered her marriage but didn't make any real practical change.
The problem is that too often, within the church, we focus on the heart change, and not the foot change. We look at how our hearts must line up to God, but we fail to give people hope of how their feet can start walking in a different path.
I'm not saying the heart change isn't important; and I do believe people can often change simply because of a heart change, because the Holy Spirit directs you. But let's face it: often the reason we get in ruts, whether it's in our marriage, or with alcoholism, or with watching too much TV, or with being on the computer too much, or with failing to relate to one of our children, is because we develop habits that are counterproductive to how we should be living. And habits are very difficult things to break, even if you have had a heart change.
In order to break them, you need to develop different habits. You need to change your walk, and not just your talk.
That's one thing I really try to focus on in my books and in this blog; I do believe the heart and head change come first. When we get ourselves right with God, and start looking at our lives through His eyes, we're now pointed in the right direction. But just because you're pointed there doesn't mean you're going to move forward unless some small things change.
And they can be small things. They don't have to be big ones. If God is working on one area of your life with you, then let me suggest something: ask what SMALL changes you can make today to make yourself go in the right direction. It doesn't have to be a huge thing. Often, small things add up and change the focus of our lives. If you're battling with TV or computer time, for instance, why not simply try developing a habit that every night, after dinner, you take a 15 minute walk to connect with your family? If you're battling with loving your husband, why not find one small thing you can do for him everyday, just to show him that you love him. If you're battling with your weight, why not change to a lower fat version of milk and cheese?
It's not rocket science. But too often, when we struggle, I think we focus on the heart rather than the feet--as in where we're going. We fall again into the same trap, and we end up praying that God will stop us from going there, when maybe what we need to do is stop praying for the right ATTITUDE and simply start praying that God will give us a new HABIT. I think we expect ourselves to magically change when all the pieces of our lives are still exactly the same. It doesn't work that way. Change a few small pieces, and suddenly life becomes a bit easier.
So we're at the beginning of a new week, and that's the challenge I want to leave with you: what is God working on you primarily about? Is it time management? Addictions? Food? Your relationships? Whatever it is, pray that God will give you a new attitude. But most importantly, pray that God will show you one small change you can make to get you going in the right direction. And then just do it. Life will be so much better!
It's Wednesday, the day when I introduce a marriage topic, and then the rest of you either comment or write your own Wifey Wednesday post!
This will be my last post until after Christmas, too. I'm going to cocoon a little bit away from the computer with my family. But I may still check in to comment on some comments or something!
We've had some interesting discussions about marriage lately. It all started last week with the post "Doormats or Wives", which started a great comment thread, that's worth reading on its own.
In that thread, and the follow-up post on the Saturday, some of you talked about how your marriage had done a 180 degree turn. At one point your marriage looked pretty pathetic, but then something happened. Today I want to talk about that something.
Yesterday we also had some marriage talk in the comments about a local church. Some of you were (or are) in conflict with your husbands about where to attend church, and I know such decisions are really difficult. So for those who have already weathered the storm, what happened? What made the storm pass?
In some of your stories, it seemed simply to be a matter of maturity. Sometimes we're just young when we get married, and as we mature, marriage becomes stronger. In others, outside counseling helped us see each other's point of view. And in still others, it was just prayer.
Let me tell you a bit of my story. When we were first married, I had major trust issues. I had been rejected repeatedly as a child, and then my husband had also broken off our engagement before we reconciled and eventually married. So I was paranoid that he was going to leave me, and opening up was not easy for me. I had been so desperate to get him down the aisle and actually commit that I hadn't given much thought to what came afterwards. I guess I thought marriage would be easy.
Because I had trust issues, though, I also had sex issues. I won't go into all the details, but needless to say that I could not figure out what all the fuss was about. My husband, who was in his early twenties, definitely wanted the fuss. I did not. So we had major conflict for the first part of our marriage.
The turning point came when I decided not to be hurt. I was focusing so much on my own issues--"he only wants me for one thing, he doesn't really care about me, he won't show me love"--that I didn't really look at the other side--"am I showing him love?". And once I made the emotional commitment to love him (and really throw myself into sex, too, but that was only a part of it), things started working much better. I really did love him. I started thinking about the things that I was grateful for about him. I stopped being so sensitive.
But it was difficult, and it took a few years to get to that point. When you're in the middle of a quite serious hurt, it's hard to see the other person's perspective. But when you decide to love regardless, amazing things can happen.
God was also doing a work in Keith's heart, and he came to basically the same decision around the same time I did. Never ever discount what God can do in your spouse's heart. But that's the key, I think: God does it, not you.
For me, then, the key was a shift in my own attitude, and a submission to God, which also led to the same thing in my husband. I can honestly say that we're so grateful for each other and we're ridiculously lovey-dovey all the time now. But it wasn't always like that.
I believe that it is a spiritual principle that God tends to start working when we are in submission to Him. Even if you are not the principle problem in your marriage (ie. your husband is doing something wrong/sinful/selfish), the more you hold on to the hurt, the less God works. I was reading in my devotions today about how God "pleads the case of the orphan". God likes pleading the case of the person who is wronged. He does stand up for the wronged person.
But He tends to do it once we have stopped pleading our case. When we hand our case over to God, He works. When we try to fix it, He can't. And I find that when I have handed things over to God, then He has started working in the other person's heart (I think my husband would tell a similar story. It was when He surrendered that God worked on me, too, because it really was quite simultaneous).
That doesn't mean that we don't confront, or use consequences, as we talked about over the weekend in the Doormats or Wives post. I'm not saying that we need to hold up the white flag to let God work. I'm saying we need to hand our emotional needs over to God; our need to be right; our need to have our husbands admit they were wrong; our need to have them love us completely and utterly. These are all needs, but it is to God that we must turn, not our husbands. When we are expecting these things from our husbands, then God can't work in the same way because we've set up a very negative dynamic, both emotionally and spiritually. When we turn to God, things change.
So let me know your story. What flipped the switch in your marriage? Leave it in the comments, or better still, write your own Wifey Wednesday post, and then come and link it back here!
Over at my Wifey Wednesday post, there's been a lot of discussion about whether or not we're just simply blaming the wife for all the problems in the marriage, and I thought I'd better address this one head on.
First of all, absolutely not. Many of us are married to men who don't show us love, appreciation, or respect. We aren't happy, and we need more.
So there are two questions here:
1. Is the church putting the responsibility for change primarily on the wife? 2. How do we change things?
Here's what I would say. The church absolutely is not putting the responsibility on the wife. Have you ever been to a church service on Mother's Day? It's all nice and sweet. There's a sermon on how mothers are God's gift to all of us, and then women get roses or chocolates or something. Now fast forward to Father's Day. What is the typical sermon? Shape up, men. You're ruining your families.
In my experience, the church definitely puts a lot of onus on the husband to shape up, as it should.
But here's the issue, and here's where we skip to the second part of my question: if the husband isn't interested in shaping up, then what do you do? It really does no good to say, "the husband needs to shape up; end of story," if he's not interested in changing. And besides that, very rarely is anything entirely one person's fault. There is always something we can do, even if it just revolves around how to find peace and contentment ourselves.
That's essentially what my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum addresses: how to change YOU so that YOU can be peaceful and contented, even if he never changes. Because the only thing that you have control over is yourself.
If you are waiting for him to change, it is very unlikely that he ever will. First, you aren't doing anything to make him change (nagging doesn't count. That just makes him dig his heels in deeper). And talking to him doesn't count. He can too easily tune you out. You have to change your behaviour and your attitude not to change him, but to help yourself. Do you see the difference?
In the comments, one woman wrote that the church is always telling her to change herself so that the marriage will change, and that doesn't work. But the change I'm talking about isn't becoming a doormat. It's change so that we get our peace in God. It's change so that we find a way to be grateful for what we have (and for what God has given us in Jesus). It's change so that we decide that we are primarily responsible for our own happiness, not our husbands. It's change so that we start ensuring that we have a well-rounded life, and have friends, and interests, and hobbies, so that our lives don't revolve around resenting him.
It's change so that we learn how to love him even if he doesn't return the love in a way we need him to. Again, this doesn't mean becoming a doormat. If he yells when he's angry, remove yourself from the room. If he expects dinner to be ready, but never tells you when he's going to be home, tell him dinner will be ready at a certain time, and after that he'll have to heat it up (I'm talking about someone who treats you with disrespect; not a man who's trying but sometimes gets caught in traffic). If he demeans you in front of his friends, say gently that you would prefer that he not talk like that, and leave the room.
I am not saying you need to accept disrespect and meanness. Absolutely not. But the change I'm talking about means going to God with your feelings, and asking Him to fill your life so that He is your living Water. And then learn how to love yourself and respect yourself again. And learn how to love sacrificially, too. Loving sacrificially is not being a doormat. It's simply modeling Christ, and He was not a doormat.
You are not primarily responsible for your marriage. But you are primarily responsible for your attitudes and your behaviours inside your marriage. Certainly God judges your husband, too, and wants him to love you. But if he doesn't, that isn't an excuse for you to get out of it. You still need to serve and love.
But you can also take steps to make sure that others are treating you with respect. You don't need to accept meanness, and nor should you, because that meanness will adversely affect the children. You can respond quietly and calmly that you would love to talk to him, but you don't think you should be spoken to like that, and when he is ready to talk normally, you really want to hear what he has to say. Do you see the difference?
The commenter seems like she's really angry because Christian women keep telling her that she needs to change, while they're not saying anything to her husband. I'd love to talk to your husband, but as far as I know he's not reading this blog! So I am telling you, the best I can, what can help your marriage using the only tools at your disposal: your own actions.
If we women start resenting our husbands and dig ourselves into a corner, saying, I will only change when he does, we're basically deciding to be miserable forever. Is that what you want?
Or we can decide that we can take control of our own feelings, and go to God with them. We can seek out good friends. We can find hobbies. We can make our lives richer so that we have more emotional batteries and emotional support in our marriages. And then we can start treating him differently.
Men react well when they feel they are competent. They retreat when they feel they are not. If you are always telling him that he is a lousy husband, he will tune you out and stop spending time in the marriage. Is that right? No. But that's how men work. If you want things to change, you have to realize that.
If you can love him, and affirm him in his strengths, you build him up and he is more likely to respond to you. But even if he doesn't, you are learning how to be a bigger person. And that is worth something in and of itself, isn't it?
Unconditional love and acceptance does an amazing thing to a person. When you can love your husband, without strings, and he senses that, chances are he will respond. Some men never will, but most will react to it. Again, I'm not saying you accept verbal abuse (let alone physical abuse). But you need to love him as he is, and stop waiting for him to change to be happy.
I hope that helps. I know it sounds harsh. But nobody has a magic wand that can change him. You work with what you have. And you have your own actions, and you have God's help to love sacrificially. Those two things can transform your life. Don't underestimate them!
My podcast last week is on this topic, and might be helpful. Listen in here.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
, has several chapters on how to change the dynamic in your marriage. If you're stuck, and want to move ahead, it makes a great Christmas gift to yourself!
