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Wifey Wednesday: How to Awaken Love...

Okay, that's a really corny title for this post. But I've been thinking for a while about the verse in Song of Solomon which says, "Do not awaken love until it is ready."

I think some of us have let our love be awakened too early, or too abruptly, and so it never really woke at all.

Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don't experience orgasm, and often don't really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren't really into giving the girls pleasure; they're too young and immature. So your body doesn't necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn't that exciting.

The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. And he liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really "awakened" love.

And I think many women are in this situation. They just don't see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. The whole culture is trying to con women into thinking it's something great, so that you'll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it's not that great at all. It was designed for men, and it's a big rip off.

Your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way.

And chances are you've become a little bitter about sex. It's just something else on your to-do list. And then you read on blogs like this one and others that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you're supposed to put out. Oh, great. That's really fun now, isn't it?

And I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there's a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.

Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You're not working towards some goal anymore. And so instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.

It may kill him, and so I really don't recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It's just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. And we need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. And you can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn't the point of the evening.

I don't recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.

This tip was taken from one in my book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood. On February 4, I'm having a huge online party for the book. When you order it on that day, you're going to get lots of fabulous FREE stuff! And I'll be giving away prizes and hosting parties on Facebook and Twitter! Find out more here, where you can sign up to be reminded on that morning!

Now, do you have any tips on how to "awaken love"? What has worked for you? Share in the comments, or go to your blog and write your own post, and come back here and enter your URL to your post in the Mr. Linky.

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To Love, Honor and Vacuum

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At 8:28 AM , Blogger Fruitful Vine said…

What worked for me was getting as much rest as I could. I found that when I was not as tired I was able to feel what was happening in my body.

Also the Lord led me to a site by Christian wives which dealt specifically with this area and the best thing for me was that there were no images so I could be free to learn from them with no distractions.

I also started to prepare my body physically by exercising which gave more energy and taking more frequent baths so that I could smell good.

If you're interested in the site I spoke about you can send me an email at jenniferjv2004(at)yahoo(dot)com. It really helped me understand some issues.


At 8:59 AM , Blogger Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said…

Being sexually abused as a child and dealing with shame issues from promiscuous years really affected our sex life in the beginning of our marriage but as I blogged about today (thanks to you LOL) God is bigger than all those issues and can release us from ANY stronghold!


At 9:35 AM , Blogger faerieeva said…

I saw the title of this blog on a comment somewhere else and just had to drop by. To love, honor and vacuum, sounds so much like my own "life, love and laundry" it made me chuckle.

I was pretty lucky in the intimacy department. I waited till after marriage (recommending it wholeheartedly for religious as well as fun reasons) but we talked a whole lot about sex beforehand and how not to over hurry things. If you are lucky enough to have a communicative husband talking about sex, just a suggestive little comment or two throughout the evening can set a fire burning much slower than, 'finally, the kids are off to bed, the laundry is done, now me Tarzan, you Jane', I think.


At 10:25 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

my husband I were talking the other day of people we know who on the surface it appears their love has died. I wouldn't like to be a fly on the wall in their kitchen.
I am blessed to have a loving husband who is not afraid to put in my place as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother. I look to him and respect him as the leader of my earthly life, my home, and my day.
I pray our love never has to be awakened but then again I pray I keep loving and keep trying to fall in love with him every day!


At 3:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

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At 12:19 PM , Anonymous Christy Klein said…

What has helped me through times such as these is simply to spend time thinking about my husband, remembering those things I love about him, and being thankful for all the sacrifices he makes for his family.

If I'm feeling a little disconnected from him I'll spend some extra time dwelling on the qualities that caused me to fall in love with him. I'll think about everything he does to take care of his family and everything he has to deny as well. I'll spend time thinking about his lips. He has beautiful lips! I'll also think about some of my favorite times together - in and out of bed.

This may sound morbid but.. I've also thought about what my life would be like without the man God has given me. I thought long and hard about it! It gave me a greater appreciation for him and all he does. This worked so well that my poor hubby was a very tired man after about a week! :-)

My point is, spend time truly dwelling on all of the good your husband IS and DOES. It will bring you emotionally closer to him and he won't even know what hit him! It may take some time, but don't give up because the results are too wonderful to miss.

Be prepared to do this whenever you sense that you're becoming emotionally detached. This is not a one time fix. There is no such cure. Rather, it's a choice that you must make every day... to love your husband!


At 6:52 PM , Anonymous Rosie, 4ugod said…

I only have a minute to post a quick comment, but I just wanted to tell you I appreciate your topic. God did a work in that area of my life after seventeen years of marriage. I wish I'd had your book a number of years ago, because who do you talk to? I like your "Wifey Wednesday" idea. I'd like to join in sometime, but I didn't see a new topic for next week. God bless!


At 12:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

I don't seem to fit into either of the two categories you describe. After several years of marriage, it just occured to me that I wasn't interested in sex anymore because it never seemed to be about love, but only him having an orgasm. If there is no sex, there is no marriage. It is very sad that the only thing that matters about me is him being able to have sex with me. If I don't have sex, then he doesn't love me. I am convinced that sex is the only thing that matters to a man. Therefore, I am worth nothing more than my ability to sexually satisfy a man. That's a horrible truth that has been too hard for me to bear and I decided to just stop being intimate. Being a woman is like winning some kind of anti-lottery. You're worth absolutely nothing.


At 5:27 PM , Blogger Melissa said…

Oh bummer! I missed the Feb. 4th party! I still think i'll order your book though!


At 10:07 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

I wrote a post about this in my blog. Morning Cuppas With Glenys at blogger...

It is a medical fact that our brain is our greatest sexual organ. Desire starts there. When the body is tired and intimacy seems like one more ‘chore’ before blessed sleep, I have found that it helps to dwell on what made you fall in love with your husband in the first place. Bring to mind all the little things he said or did that spoke to you in your early days together.

Remember how he looked, how he smelt..his aftershave, even his sweat and the smoothness of his skin, his eyes, his voice. Remember too the intimate moments you shared in the past and let them intoxicate you again with rekindled love for your man. Cultivate a thankful heart for being his wife and look forward to celebrating that oneness in the beauty of the marital bed. True intimacy is not what is shown in pornography. Under no circumstances focus on other people’s intimacy…you want to foster desire for your own husband’s embrace.

As you dwell on your husband’s desirability, more often than not, your mind will start pining for his embrace. This god-given desire usually is stronger than tiredness. The Shulamite in the Song of Songs fantasised about her husband’s body and eagerly looked forward to his lovemaking..there certainly is a place for fantasising about intimacy with your husband. I find that by thinking of all the wonderful things about my spouse, and dwelling on them, that I can overcome chronic fatigue (through illness) and eagerly await intimacy with him. I believe that this is a great way to help overcome fatigue and lack of desire without sinning.. Take a look at the Song of Solomon and rekindle the flame

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

‘My beloved is white and ruddy, Chief among ten thousand.’ Song of Solomon 5:10

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About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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