Have you ever met a family that you are just in awe of? That seem to radiate Jesus? I know some of them--chief among them my friend Ann Voskamp, author of the Amazon bestseller 1000 Gifts, who would be so embarrassed at being described that way.
I love God. My children love God. My husband loves God. We talk about Him a ton. We talk about missions, and about purpose, and about the Bible. We memorize Scripture together. We think through theological doctrine. But one thing we struggle with is prayer.
Everytime I go to a conference, or speak at a marriage conference, my husband and I come away with the same conviction: we need to pray more as a family. I firmly believe that victory comes only through prayer, and that we cannot do anything in our own strength well.
And yet, perhaps because I am more of a logical/intellectual person, I struggle with prayer. Interestingly, my younger daughter, who is the only one in the family who tends towards the touchy/feely side of the spectrum, has less trouble praying out loud and for an extended period of time than the rest of us. I wonder if it's the difference between logic/feely type people?
It is not that I DON'T pray. Indeed, I often think of Brother Lawrence's The Practice of the Presence of God, about how we need to capture every thought and take it captive to Christ, and try to focus on God throughout the day, claiming every part of our lives for His kingdom, rather than just the "Sacred" times. I often think I spend hours in prayer everyday, but that's because my whole life is like one big, endless prayer to God. As I'm writing, I'm asking, "is this true, Lord?" "Is this what you want me to say?"
So it's not conversing with the Almighty that is awkward; it's that sitting around, all four of us, holding hands, closing eyes, and talking all together.
Yet why is it awkward? And is this a condemnation of us?
I know my oldest daughter prays a ton on her own, too. She has a prayer diary she keeps, and she writes in it at least 15 minutes a day, writing out her prayers. She also spends other time just talking to God. She has blogged about it and talked to me about it. Here's a post where my analytical daughter, for instance, talks about how God is not only an emotion.
So why do 4 people who all pray quite a bit individually have difficulty praying together? I do not know. And I'm confessing this because I want you to know that I am not perfect. I, of course, do not assume that you think I am. I probably frequently write things you disagree with. But I want to be transparent, and tell you I struggle, too, and this is an area where we are struggling.
I want to change it. I want to pray meaningful prayers, and not just go around the circle and pray for friends who need God, or the things that we often fill our prayers with. But I know that my kids will only learn to feel comfortable doing this by example, not just because I lecture to them that it's important.
And that means it has to start with me, and with my husband. I have no problem praying in public; I do it often when I speak. But somehow prayer has become something very private to me, that I have difficulty sharing with others. But it's important to me that we pray as a family. It's important to me because I think that's when God works best. And so we will try a little more.
I brought this up with my husband tonight, and he agrees that we need to emphasize this more, though he's like me: he doesn't know why it's so hard for us. God doesn't need specific words or formulas, after all. He just wants us to talk to Him.
So I'm going to suggest this method for our family:
1. Read a Scripture passage or two. 2. Pray short prayers focusing on who God is. 3. Asking for specific things for people we know. 4. Asking for specific things for ourselves. 5. Thanking God for what He's done.
It doesn't have to take long, but it should be heartfelt. And we need to pray more.
I remember when the girls were young, and I vowed that I would make sure they grew up to feel that prayer was natural. I don't feel as if I've done that, and my one daughter is within two years of leaving home. I have more to do in this area.
And so I want to know: do you struggle with prayer as a family? What do you do to help? Does it come naturally to you? I want to know!
It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Last week I posted a question on my Facebook page: Do you struggle with praying with your husband?
Had a whole lot of comments, because this is obviously a deeply emotional subject for many women. So I thought it would make a great Wifey Wednesday post!
First, let me say that prayer is incredibly intimate and incredibly important. I've never completely understood prayer, even though I've studied it a ton. I have prayed for a lot of very important things in my life (including my son to be spared death) that God did not choose to answer the way I wanted. So I have struggled with the question: does prayer do any good?
And yet I know that prayer changes me, and that when I pray, I just feel better. I see things happening.
When we pray with another person, there's even more power, and I think there's a deep joining of the spirits. It's a lovely, intimate experience, whether it's praying with your children or your husband or a friend.
Nevertheless, many of us struggle with it because we struggle with praying out loud in the first place. We feel awkward, and so it's awkward to pray with our husbands. Even if we want to, and even if we know it would help our relationship, we're reluctant to push it because it's easier to live in the status quo and not have to face our own insecurities.
Or perhaps we don't push it because we're afraid he'll say no! Some of us aren't married to men that are strong Christians, and even though we may want to pray with them, it seems as if that's not going to happen.
Here, then, are some thoughts on how you can bring prayer more into your couple life:
1. Start with reading Scripture. If prayer is a stretch, try reading a Psalm together at night. Most of them are phrased as prayers anyway, and after reading it, you could always choose one verse to read out loud again as a prayer. That's not as intimidating, and as you get more comfortable with that, you'll likely be able to lead up to something more!
2. Ask if he would mind if you prayed about something specific. Saying "can we pray together" is more intimidating than, "can we take a moment and pray about Johnny's bullying situation at school?" The former sounds like anything from "I want to pray for two hours on my knees with you" to "I want to pray that our marriage will completely turn around." He may not know what to make of it. Start with something specific, with boundaries around the request, and he may be more likely to say yes.
3. If he's uncomfortable praying out loud, then when you pray out loud, don't be too flowery. Just be honest before God. You don't need to embellish or try to fill in a lot of time to make up for what your husband isn't doing. Try to be on the same level; if he's more comfortable with just a few sentences, then utter just a few sentences yourself. That way it doesn't seem as if this is something that you are primarily doing and he is along for the ride; it's something that you do together. And remember: there's nothing wrong with praying a few sentences out loud together, and then praying silently together.
4. Touch when you pray. My husband and I have made it a habit to hold hands every time we pray together, whether it's at night or for grace before meals. Prayer is a time for us to touch and focus in unison on God. It makes prayer more intimate, and it draws you together!
5. Pick a consistent time to pray. If you pray every night over the baby's crib, for instance, or every night in bed together, then you're more likely to keep doing it! You can always pray at other times of the day, too, but trying to develop habits makes it more likely to keep going!
6. Buy a book of prayers. I know my ultra-evangelical friends will be turned off by this, but hear me out. For a time our family attended an Anglican church, and the prayers in the prayer book really are beautiful. We left that church when we moved and go to a more traditional evangelical one now, but both Keith and I miss the depth of the prayers. Keith has bought a few books of prayers, and every now and then leads the family in them, especially when we're on holidays together.
There's nothing wrong with a written prayer, as long as your heart is in agreement. You may prefer that prayer be spontaneous, but if people are more comfortable reading it, is that really so bad? If your both feeling so awkward that you can't pray out loud together, then think about the option of buying a book of prayers, or using an Anglican/Episcopalian prayer book. They really do have lovely prayers!
Another option is to buy a book of devotions that you and your husband can do together. These usually have great discussion starters, and often include some prayer points that make prayer easier. Look for these at any Christian bookstore.
UPDATE: I'm getting comments by people who usually don't pray with their spouse, so I'm wondering...do most of us? Or is this a challenge for many couples? Can you take my poll and tell me! Thanks!
Now, what about you? Do you have any suggestions on how you can encourage more prayer in your marriage? Let me know in the comments, or write a post of your own and then link up!
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It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
So today I have a question. Did you marry a beast?
Let me explain. Many of us think that the Beauty and the Beast storyline goes something like this:
Beauty meets a Beast. Even though she knows he's a beast, she sees something deep inside him which is very beautiful. And as she loves him, the beautiful side emerges and he becomes a prince.
There's a problem with that attitude when it comes to marriage. What it is really saying is that we did not marry our husbands; we married the potential inside our husbands. We married that part of him which would one day emerge, simply because we loved him enough. We could see it was there, even if no one else could, and by loving him, we'd bring it out.
Then what happens if it doesn't emerge? It's his fault! We've done the loving part; but he hasn't stepped up and done the changing part. And we become quite bitter. It's as if he hasn't fulfilled his end of our (unspoken) deal.
But what if we had the storyline wrong? What if Beauty and the Beast actually went like this:
Beauty meets the Beast. At first she is repulsed by the Beast, but as she gets to know him better, she falls in love with him, as a Beast. And she marries him as a Beast. And because of that acceptance of who he already is, he changes into a prince.
The key to the Beauty and the Beast story isn't that Beauty married the potential inside the Beast; it's that Beauty accepted who the Beast was, flaws and all, and loved him thinking he was going to stay that way forever. And because she accepted him, he changed.
What we all need is acceptance. Every single one of us. But how many of us get that? And how many of us have been withholding it from our husbands?
I know this is a tough one, because some of our husbands are doing things that we cannot accept. Perhaps they watch pornography, or they ignore the children, or they never ever pick up anything around the house.
How can you accept that?
But I am not saying you must agree with everything he does; what I am saying is that for a marriage to work, you have to accept him as a person without needing to change fundamentally who he is. He may have issues he needs to work on, and I completely agree wtih confronting husbands when they're sinning (like with pornography), but at some point we have to say: I love you for who you are. I accept you for who you are. I won't try to change you anymore.
Instead of waiting for your perfect man to emerge, become the perfect woman. I don't mean become the perfect woman FOR HIM necessarily; I mean become the kind of woman who can bloom exactly where you're planted, with the kind of man you married. Find some hobbies that keep you happy. Find ways of organizing your home so it runs smoothly, even if he doesn't give a lot of help. Find joy in God, in parenting, in nature, in the world. Don't get hung up on "I'll be happy when he finally changes", because then it's like you're consigning yourself to being miserable all the time. After all, what if he never does?
Today, take the reins of your life and decide to be happy and find joy regardless of whether he changes. And if you're having a hard time with that, let me offer a suggestion.
Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Wife, is so good for this exercise. It takes you through a month of prayers that you can repeat, over and over, for your husband. And as you pray, you release your husband so that God can do His work in him, not so that you can do yours. It's not about praying for what you want for your husband; it's about praying for what God wants. It's such a refreshing perspective, and you will notice a difference in your marriage.
And it does deal with prayers on how to handle his major failings, and that he will overcome them! So it doesn't make you live forever with a man who is really doing something wrong; it just gives you a strategy that is useful for dealing with it.
I'd really encourage you to ask yourself this question today: Have I been holding back from my husband because I'm waiting for him to change in some area? Have I been failing to accept him? If you have, I'd encourage you to love him, Beast and all. That's what makes the change in your marriage. It makes both of you into the Beauty. And that is what God wants.
So buy the book--I've never recommended a book this strongly, and I can't say enough good things about it. But pick up that book, pray through it, and start seeing your husband in a different light. And as you do, you finally set him free!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
I was reading my Bible this week and a couple of things struck me all at once. Too often, I think, we rely on our eyes--our logic, what we see, what we think--to make decisions, rather than relying on God.
Exhibit A. Joshua, back in Joshua 9, makes a big mistake. The Gibeonites, who live in the land that is supposed to belong to Israel, are scared. They've seen other tribes nearby destroyed by Israel and their God. So they make it look like they live a long way away, and come to Joshua, and ask for a guarantee of peace. Joshua, it says in verse 15, "did not ask direction from the Lord." Instead, he relied on his eyes. These guys had a convincing story. It added up. There was no reason to doubt them.
Except that they were lying.
Exhibit B. Solomon, writing in Proverbs 5, is telling men to stay away from loose women. He says this, "for the lips of a loose woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil." Now, personally, I'm not tempted by loose women. But we can take the analogy to apply to us wives and moms, too!
And add the two together, and it's obvious that we can do the wrong thing because either: our decision looks logical; or our decision is very attractive.
In other words, we can't rely on our brains or our desires to always tell us what the right thing is. Sometimes our brains are rather smart, and I'm not saying we should disregard them altogether. And quite often what our heart wants to do is also the right thing. Just because we want something doesn't make it wrong.
But before we make any major decision, these passages tell me, we need to go to God, and not assume that we have within us all the capacity for making the right decisions. We don't.
I see this so often in marriages. It doesn't make any logical sense to stay with my husband. Or obviously, using logic, I am right and he is wrong. Or perhaps it's with parenting: I know this school would be the best one for my child because it's a Christian school. Or with working: it makes no sense to quit now because I'm about to get a raise, and we really need the money.
We're using our brain power, and not God, to make those decisions. We have to go to Him first.
I get that. I really do. But here's my problem: how do you hear God afterwards? Once you've asked Him, how do you know which way you should go?
Well, first, I think the episode in Joshua 9 is a rare one. Obviously we can't always depend upon our logic, but that doesn't mean that logic is usually wrong. So I think that if we are about to make a really bad decision, and we go to God, it's incumbent upon Him to let us know. And He will. If you pray, you'll get a sense of it. He'll use someone else to give you a word of wisdom. You'll sense a sign. After all, if He really doesn't want you to do something, it's in His best interests that you figure that out, right? So He isn't going to torture you about it.
That being said, though, we do need to spend more time in prayer, both to hear God, and for a simple renewal of our minds. Why does a loose woman seem so enticing (not to me, but to Solomon)? Because the person hasn't handed his heart over to God recently. And when we stop going to God, we squeeze Him out.
Look at that article I commented on earlier this week that denigrated stay at home moms. They didn't mean to; they were just using the logical position of our society: work is good, and day care is good, and parents aren't enough. But that position, while it may be widely believed, is not right. Similarly to another post this week about that meme in movies that says that every woman just needs to have sex to get over bumps in her life. We know it's not true, but it's all around us, and part of us, I think, buys into it.
And that's why we can't rely on logic. Our logic is tainted by the society we live in. We need to be renewed by God, and that means talking to Him, reading His word, taking time just to listen, and surrounding ourselves with friends who are also engaged in the same pursuit. Do that, and it's unlikely you'll make a really bad decision. Rely on yourself, and you probably will!
A few years ago we had a bunch of children die in our small town, right after the other, of accidents. I didn't know any of them, but my husband was on duty in the ER when a few of them came in. It was just a sad time in our town.
And so I sat down and I wrote a column called "A Prayer Through Tears", about my prayer for parents who have lost children. I received more email to that column than I did to almost any other in the years since.
It's a hard thing to lose a baby. I lost one many years ago, and it still hurts. But I have seen friends walk through miscarriages and stillbirths, and those have their own pain. You never got to hold that child that you loved so dearly. And very often the rest of the world doesn't understand how much you hurt.
I've decided to make that column into a video. If it blesses you, please send it on to other parents you know who may need it! You can read the original column here, or just watch below!
I'm speaking tonight south of Ottawa at a great church, and I'm quite excited about it. I'm using a relatively new talk, and here's the basic gist:
There is always enough time in the day to do what God wants you to do today. So there's no point in feeling guilty for leaving things undone!
The trick is to figure out what God's priorities are. And to do that, you have to listen to Him.
So how do you do that? That's a hard one. Some people, I think, have the gift of meditation, and I don't mean some far east mysticism thing. I mean, they have the gift of sitting quietly and meditating on His word. I know several women like that, and they often get visions or something really neat that God intended just for them.
I'm not like that. I find it very difficult to sit still for any length of time. It's a discipline I have to develop. But we can listen without necessarily being still all the time. Really quickly (because I don't have a lot of time for a long post), here are some thoughts on this that I've had:
1. We need to spend some time quietly each day before God. Journalling is good during part of this, to record what you're feeling/thinking/hearing, but we also just need to be still.
2. We need to read His Word everyday. We just do. It helps us to think the right way, to be reminded and convicted of specific things, and to see life with a new perspective.
But often we think that the only time we hear God is in these "holy" times. Realistically, though, for most people this is just a few minutes of their day, half an hour if you're lucky. What about the rest of the day? The more important question, I think, is figuring out how to hear Him in the rest of the day, too.
And I think that comes from "practicing the presence of God", as Tozer said. We have to practice talking to Him throughout the day, and not only at appointed times. We have to take everything to God in prayer. Keep the lines of communication open.
Train yourself to talk to Him maybe while you're doing the dishes, or driving doing errands. Every so often, turn off the radio and TV so that you can have some silence (even if the kids are noisy in the background).
Get rid of things that can drown out His voice, like questionable movies or TV shows, or too much time on the internet. I find that when I spend more time talking to people, and less time watching movies, I hear His voice more.
Participate in creative things, not just busy things. Our God is a creative God, and when we are also creative, I think we touch Him in unique ways. So have fun cooking something new, crochet something, paint something, build something. When we make something beautiful, we're engaging in something that God also does. And it gives you a chance to keep your mind in that direction. So often we spend our time in things that are not creative (like TV or video games). I think the more we do things that God also does, the more we train our brains to hear His voice.
Participate in service. Pray for missions. Think and research how you will give your charity money. Have people over for dinner. Help a friend. God is also a God of service, and the more we participate in what He does, the more we begin to be shaped by Him.
Think about it this way: if you were to be Jesus' apprentice, what would you do? You would pray, sure. But you would also surround yourself with friends. You would talk to people. You would go to weddings. You would help people. You would build tables and chairs. You would learn Scripture.
I think sometimes we compartmentalize too much, and think that the only time we can hear God's voice is when we're specifically praying. That's not true. We need that time, absolutely. After all, Jesus took it. But let's not assume that that is the only time we meet with God during the day. Let's learn how to listen to His voice in other pursuits, too, and we just may find that figuring out what He has planned for our day is much easier!
I'm on Twitter. I love Twitter. I can send out little soundbites about my day, complain about aches and pains or the weather, or make little jokes, and get instant feedback. It's fun!
And I have a lot of followers, and I follow quite a few. Yesterday this Tweet came across the board from a certified Life Coach. She said:
Start by blessing yourself. “May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease.”
I thought this was interesting. I'm speaking at a retreat as you read this (I actually wrote this post and scheduled it to appear today), and I'm speaking exactly AGAINST all of those things.
Too often our primary prayers are for our own health, safety, happiness and well-being. And yet that was never what Jesus prayed for his followers, and it wasn't what Paul prayed for his spiritual children.
Sometimes it is only through adversity that we really grow. It's like in Finding Nemo. Remember that scene, near the end of the movie, when dad Marlin is distraught because it looks like he will never be able to rescue Nemo? And Dorrie tries to cheer him up, which makes Marlin even more irritated.
"Don't you understand?!?" he cries. "I promised him that nothing would ever happen to him!". "Well, that's a funny thing to promise," replies Dorrie. "Because if nothing ever happened to him, then nothing would ever happen to him."
I think there's a lot of spiritual wisdom in that fish. The point is not what happens to us in life; it's how we respond, and whether we allow God to turn it into good. And that's the attitude that Paul takes. He prays that God will help the Ephesians to understand how long and high and wide and deep is the love of Christ. He prays that they may grow in wisdom and understanding. In Colossians he prays that they may bear fruit in every good work, and they may know the knowledge and wisdom and will of God.
Aren't those things more important? You see, if we understand how much God loves us; if we grow in understanding; if we bear fruit; if we grow in unity and love; then no matter what happens to us, we'll be fine. But if we concentrate our prayers on good things happening, then we not only lose out on opportunities to grow; we also leave ourselves unprepared with bad things do happen.
And the same goes with prayers for our children. Are you consumed for praying for their safety? Are you constantly praying that God will give them good lives? Why not pray, instead, that they may grow in wisdom and understanding? Because if they do that, and if they understand how much God loves them, they'll be fine. They'll soar. They'll fly. No matter the circumstances.
When we worry about circumstances, we become slaves to this life. When we concentrate on God, we actually become free. So stop praying for your own safety and happiness and well-being, and pray for your heart. Of course, there's nothing wrong with asking God for safety at times, but if this is the predominant prayer, you have a problem. Your soul is worth so much more; ask God to nourish it this weekend!
And here's something else you may enjoy: an article I wrote a few years ago on how to Parent without Fear about exactly this topic!
Every now and then I go on a rampage on how I just need more discipline.
I can see all kinds of areas of my life which would be more productive and effective if I did things better. I need more discipline in my homeschool. I need to make healthier snacks. I need to spend more time in prayer. I need to jog more.
You know the drill.
But I also know that's not God's voice. God, I don't believe, is up in heaven saying, "You should just try a little harder." No, God is calling us to a relationship with Him.
Self-control and discipline are fruits of the spirit. We are called, for instance, to abstain from gluttony, and sexual excess, and drunkenness, and laziness. We are called to abstain from excess of any kind.
But that doesn't mean that self-control can be the goal for our lives. I don't think you can pursue self-control any more than you can pursue any others of the fruits of the Spirit, like love or joy. Can you pursue joy and be joyful? No. But you can pursue God.
And I think that's the point. The reason I sometimes feel out of whack is not because my schedule is wrong or I'm not trying hard enough. It's because I don't have enough time in prayer.
Look at Jesus. He was disciplined. He was effective. But He didn't have a schedule which said that He was going to spend this much time on one thing, and then this much time on something else. You get the feeling that He didn't have much of an agenda. Instead, He spend a lot of time in prayer, and then went where God moved.
I am not saying we shouldn't have schedules. I think they're necessary for many things, including responsible homeschooling and homemaking, and I even some free organizational charts you can download here!
What I am saying is that my problem is not so much with discipline as it is with dedication. I need to be more dedicated to God, because I believe that if I spend more time just in prayer, I will be led more by Him. I will be able to hear His voice. I will waste less time, I will be more effective with what I do have, and I will not feel that I have wasted my day if I haven't reached my goals, because I will know I have reached God's goals.
Rick Warren once said that there is enough time in the day to do everything God wants you to do today, and I think that is so true. If there are too many things on your plate, and you can't possibly get them all done, then realize that God knows that. He doesn't want you to get them all done. But the ones He does want you to concentrate on He does give you time for.
The trick is to be able to hear His voice. And that means spending more time in prayer. I am very disciplined at blogging, and having my shower, and making my bed. I'm not disciplined at listening enough to God. I don't want to add something else to my "to-do" list, but I don't think prayer is actually adding to a to-do list. I think it's subtracting. Because the more we pray, the more our priorities are clarified, and our spirit is renewed.
But prayer isn't spending five minutes listing all the things that we need. It has to be an interaction with God that we take some time with. I believe that God speaks the deepest when we have spent the time and energy to listen. So that's my new spring and summer goal. I'm going to pray, instead of surfing all kinds of blogs. I'm not going to be more disciplined and try harder; I'm simply going to be more dedicated to Him.
What do you think? How do you hear His voice? And do you struggle with feeling like you should "try harder"? How do you reconcile that? Let's get the conversation going!
When Katie was two, we were teaching her how to say grace. She had just finished up when Keith leaned over and whispered to her, "tell Mommy she's pretty." Katie promptly put both hands together again, closed her eyes, and said, "Dear God, please make Mommy pretty. Amen."
But most of my girls' prayers tend towards this: "Thank you that we had a good day today. Please help us to have fun tomorrow! Amen."
Granted, it's not that bad, but you know what I mean.
And I have decided this isn't good enough. So here is our plan to really teach them to pray:
1. Model Prayer for Your Children
Kids aren't going to learn heartfelt prayers until we pray heartfelt prayers in front of them. So every night, after dinner, have a mini-prayer session where you do pray earnestly for something important for your family: a family member who needs God, a financial situation, a personality conflict. Something. When they hear you praying for someone, they learn how to do it, too!
2. Teach Different Types of Prayer
We are starting a new program where we are encouraging them to branch out in prayer. Different variations for this exist, but here's one I'm working on. Look at your hand. If you notice, you have five fingers. Have the kids hold up their hands, and for each type of prayer they can lift up a finger until their whole hand is up.
1. Praise
Thank God for Who He is, for something about Him, for something He has made.
2. Thanksgiving
Thank God for something that He has done for you today. Encourage the children to make this as specific as possible. Not just, "Thank you for my mommy," but "Thank you for giving me a Mommy who comes to my hockey game," or "Thank you for Mommy who hugs me."
3. Request for Someone Else
Ask God something. Again, make it specific. No "feed all the children" stuff, unless they're really young. It's better to ask God to give money to a family you know, or to help your sponsored child and his or her family, or to help someone you know who is sick. If there's an ongoing need, pray for that every night. But try to encourage them to pray for something new, too.
For instance, we have a close friend whose five-year-old daughter is going through treatment for leukemia right now. We're praying for her everyday, and then adding other requests, too.
4. Confession
What did you do wrong today? Hint: Kids are far more willing to pray this if you model it. Whenever you mess up, immediately confess it to God in front of them. If they see you doing it, they won't feel so uncomfortable about doing it, either. And don't let them say, "Forgive me for being selfish." Always encourage them to use "when" statements: "Forgive me for being selfish when I wouldn't share my lego."
5. Request for You
I think this one should always come last, because the other prayers help get our hearts in line with God. Then you're in a better place to make your own requests.
But this one can be tough. It's fine for kids to ask for something for themselves. But make sure it's not treating God like Santa Claus. No "God, please give me a new bike." Ask them what their biggest struggle is. Maybe it's getting along with a sibling, or a teacher they don't like, or figuring out math. Pray about that.
Now all five fingers are up, and kids haven't yet said, "help me to have fun tomorrow!" So you're well on your way to raising prayer warriors! Congratulations, and don't give up!
I'm not sure how much advice I'm going to offer today, because I'm feeling quite busy and overwhelmed right now.
So I think I'll just raise something for discussion, give a few of my own thoughts, and then see what the rest of you have to say!
I think one of the hardest parts of being a wife and a mother is all the things you carry around in your head: grocery lists, doctors' appointments, soccer games, your children's confidences, your husband's problems at work. Sure, he loves the kids, but he doesn't carry all these things around the way we do.
And it can really get exhausting! I'm on a five day road trip right now speaking, and before I left, rather than being focused on what I had to do on the road, I was concentrating on the kids. Rebecca needs cleats for soccer. The girls are going to a wedding on Saturday without me, and I need to find my grandmother's necklace for Rebecca to wear. Do they have proper tights, in case they get cold? What about shawls to go over their dresses?
And what is everybody going to eat while I'm gone? Is the fridge stocked? Will Keith remember their piano lesson? And on it goes.
His mom has been a little sick lately, too, so I've been calling to check on her, and to make sure she doesn't need anything.
I think that's just the lot in women's lives: being outward focused. We genuinely care about all these other people. It is not that our husbands don't care; it's just that they're not as used to carrying everything the way we do. And if they had to, they'd probably let things go. Keith wouldn't care about the shawls for the wedding or the tights, though he'd likely remember the piano if left to his own devices.
But we are perfectionists. We want everything in our families to run smoothly, and we want the best for everyone. So no matter what we are doing, or how important, we're always focused towards home. That's the way we were made, and I think it's the way it was meant to be.
At the same time, it can get exhausting. It's one of the reasons I really advocate strong discipline and getting kids to do chores: we can't carry this all by ourselves. We really can't. We need other people involved.
But what do you do when you just get really tired and almost burned out? How do you get that constant refrain in your head, trying to look after everybody else, to quieten down? I sometimes wish my brain had an off switch, and I could just relax the way I see other people relaxing. But I don't. I remember what the girls were talking to me about last night, about some of the problems that they're having with some of their friends. And I remember stuff my husband's worrying about at work.
You can take these to God--and I do--but I guess what I mean is that at some poit you really have to hope that others are carrying you around, too. That the whole world does not indeed rest on your shoulders, because it gets tiring sometimes.
So we have to find a way to communicate with our husbands what's really going on in our heads. And that can be difficult, because most men's first reactions is to try to fix the problem. "Well, honey, if you're so worried about that, don't be. The kids can look after it themselves." Or, "Why don't you let the girls remember their own orthodontist appointments?" (We all know how well that worked out).
My love language is words of affirmation and encouragement. Sometimes I just need people to come to me and say, "I love you, I'm praying for you, you're doing an awesome job". And I do get that, I really do. But probably some of you don't, and it can be really tiring carrying everyone, without feeling anyone carry you.
I remember a version of the Footprints poem I read once. I don't have it anymore, and if anyone else does, if you could leave it in the comments, it would be great!
But it was Footprints for Women, and the last line was: "For when you were carrying everyone else, I was carrying you." I think that is a beautiful picture of how we're not really alone, even when we don't always feel the encouragement from those we love.
I know many of you are burdened down today. I know I'm really tired, too! But we are not alone. God is there to carry us, and we should never feel like our families completely rest on our shoulders. They don't. They're in His hands. We're the ones who are meant to care for them, but God is the One who carries them.
So don't be afraid to give Him the burden. And if you're really weary today, ask Him to send you some encouragement. He can do it, and will do it, because He loves you.
Do you have any advice about marriage? We'd love to hear it! Simply go to your own blog and write a Wifey Wednesday post, and then come back here and leave the URL of your post in the Mr. Linky! And link back here in your post, too!
Over at Joy Unexpected there's a debate going on about what to do if someone tells you that God told them that you would be healed. In other words, what if someone pronounces healing over you? Do you believe it? Do you question it? And should we pronounce healing over others?
Here's my take.
When I was pregnant with our second child we found out that he had a serious heart defect that would eventually likely kill him.
I was devastated. How are you supposed to watch your only son die?
Then one day, about three weeks before he was born, I was at a March for Jesus rally in downtown Toronto. A woman I didn't know asked me about the baby, and I spilled everything. She looked at me and said, "God has told me this baby will be healed." And she prayed on the spot. And she said to me, "If you have faith he will be."
I think that is a very mean thing to do, although I'm sure the woman meant no harm. I've written books about this since, and I speak at women's conferences about it.
But here's the thing: I did have faith that God could heal Christopher. But did I have faith even if God didn't? That's the more relevant question. And this woman, who did not know me and who would never see me again, could feel great about herself because she pronounced healing on me, though she bears no responsibility should my son not be healed.
And she so much as told me that if he weren't healed it would be my fault. I think God does work healing through people, but on the whole, I think we should make sure that we have something invested in the person's life before we pronounce such things. Make sure you're there to stick it out if the healing doesn't occur. We'd be far less likely to be cavalier about hearing God's voice if we had to stick around and see if God did actually intervene in the way we wanted Him to (God did intervene in my case, though my son did die. But we had a peace about it, and God has used my story to touch many. And He let me write a book about it. It was not what I would have planned, but I'm grateful for it). And that's why I don't think we should be so certain that we hear exactly what God is saying. Let's leave room for God's will, because His will is not always what we would like it to be.
God does heal, but it's rare. On the whole we have to walk through difficulties, but Jesus did, too. Suffering is not something He is indifferent to, or unfamiliar with. He watched his own earthly father die. He watched John the Baptist die. He saw people he loved die. He cried with us. He knew that life was not supposed to be this way, and He probably felt the injustice of death and injury far more than any of us do because He lived in a time when such things did not exist. He hurts, too. But that suffering is part of who He is, and it's part of our life on earth.
So yes, we need faith that God can heal. But we also need faith even if he doesn't. Our faith should be based on who God is, not what He will do for us. And that, I think, is ultimately more important.
If you want to listen to a talk I gave on this subject, here's one called "Do You Believe God Loves You?". I also have a full conference that deals with a lot of these themes called Extreme Makeover: Heart Edition. You can download them right to your computer and listen in!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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