Success is not getting a lot of stuff. Success is not being especially gifted at something. Success is simply allowing God to use what He has already given you.
A few days ago, I was talking to my daughter who was upset because she hadn't lived up to her expectations in terms of marks in a certain subject. As teens, we tend to define ourselves and take pride in ourselves in the areas that we believe set us apart from others--we're prettier, we're smarter, we're more athletic, we're very social. Whatever it is, we like to have something to point to and say, "that is who I am."
Hopefully as adults we become more mature, and realize that our worth is not in our accomplishments. Realistically, though, that rarely happens. We still tend to judge ourselves by our successes. Have I landed a good job? Do I have a bunch of kids? Do I have a nice house? Are my kids in a good school? Am I in charge of a ministry at church? Do we make enough money? We judge ourselves by the standards that our society has set, which is completely counterproductive, let alone wrong.
Have you ever looked at the Israelites in the Old Testament and thought, "boy, were they ever stupid"? Look at them! God tells them to do something, they do it, and everything goes right. Then they start doing the opposite, and things go badly. So they pray, God rescues them, and then the whole cycle repeats. And one of the things that God was so adamant about was that they not worship idols. They had to keep all those wooden idols out of their homes. And I often think, "you saw God part the Red Sea. Why would you go back to wooden idols?"
Yet I'm not sure they always realized what they were doing. The idols were all around them, in the cultures that they lived. They were everywhere. And so they mixed worshiping idols with worshiping God. We may not have wooden idols in our homes, but our culture has idols, too, and we are letting those idols infiltrate our homes. We are letting those idols influence us, without realizing it, because it's all around us.
And those idols come from our consumer culture, saying things like, "You deserve to be happy". "You should be successful." "You should be wealthy and have lots of stuff." And we start to define our worth that way, even though we know that's not how God sees us. We start to judge our ministries by numbers, rather than remembering that God sees the heart, and may be doing something important just for the sake of 1. We judge our families by our retirement savings, or our house size. And it's one of the things that makes us work so hard, so that we can buy more stuff, rather than work less so that we can be with our families more.
A long time ago, when I was reading a bunch of entrepreneurial books in my twenties, I made a pledge to myself. I said, "by age 40, I will make $X a year." I had a goal.
In two weeks I'm going to be 40, and I'm nowhere near that figure. And for a while, a few years ago, when I saw that I wasn't going to make it, I felt badly, as if I had let down my dreams.
Yet since I made that pledge, I also decided to homeschool. I decided to write and speak as a ministry. I decided to spend a lot of time raising money for an orphanage in Kenya. It's pretty hard to start a new business and make the kind of money I wanted to make while you're doing all those other things.
And so I am approaching my birthday with peace. I haven't lived up to my dreams because God has put new dreams in me. We must stop judging ourselves by the wrong things. Your status doesn't matter. I know so many families where both parents work and make good money and they're still always worried about money. I know other families who live in large homes that are gorgeous, but their kids aren't really following Jesus because somehow or other, even though the parents believe, they stopped making their children's faith a priority, and their jobs and sports became the priority.
Success, you see, is not in what we have. It's not in how much money we make. As I said at the opening, success is letting God use what He has already given you. It's taking the gifts and the things that God has given you, and leaving them open for Him. It's saying, "my time today is yours, Lord. Show me how I should use it." It's saying, "I want to raise these kids for you, Lord, so show me how to be a good mother." It's not being worried about whether there is enough money to give them the best; it's being able to put your kids as one of your main priorities (behind your marriage) in terms of love and attention and time. That's what leads to real success.
I am often saddened when I look at the women in the church that I know who are tired. They're running around, trying to reach some goal that God never set for them, so that they can have what they're supposed to have in this culture. We buy into our culture's consumerism and we don't even see it. But the size of your wardrobe isn't important. The size of your house isn't important. It's whether you're taking the time to talk to God, to listen to God, and to let Him use what He has given you.
Everything you have is His. It doesn't belong to you. It comes from Him. If we honestly understood that, we'd worry less about money. We'd have less fear about our children. We'd stop trying to compulsively plan everything and we'd start praying more. We'd stop hoarding our time and hoarding our home and we'd have more people in for dinner, or more people in just to talk.
Those who may not have beautiful homes, and may not have huge incomes, but who love people and love their kids are very successful. Mother Theresa was successful, because she simply said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me." And God did. She had no money, but God multiplied her ministry.
If you're feeling aimless today, and tired, why not stop, take a deep breath, pull up a cup of hot chocolate, and just talk to God about your life? Ask Him to show you what He has already given you. Ask Him to help you make fewer "success" goals and more prayers. Ask Him to help you see the immense worth that you are to Him, and that your children are to Him, and that your husband is to Him. You are His success story. And you will make that story even better if you keep focused on sharing what God has already given you--in terms of grace, and love, and time, and even money--rather than on accumulating even more for yourself.
In June, I'm planning on hosting "Use What You Have Month", to see if all of us can live without buying more stuff. It will be a week where we can focus on the abundance and creativity God has already given us, rather than turning to spending money, as out of habit. I think it will realign our priorities so that it's more about Him, and less about us. I'll tell you more about it soon, but I do hope you'll join me!
One of the strongest messages in our culture is "You'll be happy if only you buy this." And it has a twin sister who says the same thing, just backwards: "the reason you're not happy is because you don't have enough. So go shopping!"
Everything in our culture revolves around shopping. Magazines try to sell us stuff. TV shows are punctuated by commercials. Movies have product placement. And even when there aren't specific ads, the people are so beautiful that we want to buy what they have, just so we can be that successful, too.
It sure is hard on one's wallet. But even worse, it's hard on our hearts, because what culture really sells us is dissatisfaction. You can never be completely happy because if you were, you wouldn't need anything. You'd have no need to shop! Hence, they have to make you unhappy so you'll head to the mall!
If you're a mom trying to make ends meet, it can be frustrating. And often we spend months scrimping and saving and depriving ourselves, and then what we want more and more is to splurge on something. We deserve it! And it doesn't seem fair that we should always be the ones losing out.
It's funny that we should think that way, because in reality, most young couples with kids who have big homes and vacations and new clothes are heavily in debt and bordering on bankruptcy. You're probably in better financial shape than they are, if you are watching your pennies and budgeting for stuff. But television rarely shows people living in small homes with hand-me-down clothes. I'm amazed at the shows and movies I watch where people with a relatively low-income job still live in a huge house. It's unrealistic. They're the ones who are wrong, not us!
So how do you come to the point where you can be happy with fewer things, but more time with family and less stress about money? How can we find peace without materialism? There's a (surprisingly) good article here at wiki on it, and let me share with you a few of their points.
1. Limit television, movies, and news watching, because it will make you feel inadequate.
2. Don't go the mall for fun.
3. If you want something, make a 30-day list. If you still want it after 30 days, and think it's worth the money, talk to your spouse about it and then decide whether or not to get it.
4. Make a gratitude list instead of a shopping list
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And there's so much more! I, of course, would add prayer and reading Scripture, because it focuses your heart on what's really important. Even just play praise CDs throughout the day to keep your mind thinking about God.
But now I'd like to ask you: how can you defeat materialism? Leave a comment, and let's see if we can make our own lists!
Okay, maybe that headline is a bit of an exaggeration.
But I face a dilemma when it comes to parenting. Most of us hope that our children will surpass us. That they will be more successful, more leisured, more content.
While the more content part is always possible, the fact is that in my family it is very likely that we have reached the pinnacle of wealth. As a physician, my husband makes a very good income. We do our best to save a chunk, give a lot away, and live in a nice but still upper-middle class home. We don't have a cottage. We don't have a boat. We don't have first class furniture.
But it's very unlikely that my children will have this kind of income. It's far more likely that they'll struggle to get by, like everyone else, and like we did when we were starting out.
So one thing I've always been conscious about in my parenting is to teach my kids how to be frugal, and how not to expect that money will always be easy, or that they can always buy whatever they want. Here are some of the ways I've done this:
1. Start Allowances Young
When the girls were three, they started with allowances. They earned $1/week per year of age, which they had to divide up as follows: 10% tithing, 30% spend now (usually chocolate), 30% save for something they want, and 30% university. They do that with every bit of money they make, even today when my oldest makes a lot from baby-sitting and selling homemade jewellery.
And with that came the responsibility for buying their own treats. They've had to buy their chocolate bars and their ice cream cones. Sure we've bought our share, but on the whole, they know not to ask me for candy. If they do, I always reply, "did you bring your money?". That way they learn the value of money, and that they need to think about what they spend their money on.
I have a whole chapter on teaching kids good responsibility with money in my book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Do you have it yet? If not, you can get an autographed copy here, or get it from Amazon:
2. Start Clothing Allowances Young
When my oldest turned 13, she received her clothing allowance. Now she has to keep track of her money, and all the things she'll need to buy this year. I sat down with her in January of that year (her birthday happens to be at the beginning of the calendar year, so it's handy), and we went over all the items of clothing she'd need. I paid for the basics: a certain number of pairs of pants, certain number of shirts, dresses, etc. And I didn't pay a lot of money, since often we buy at thrift or second hand stores. So I gave her an allowance of about $9-$10 a shirt, for instance, not the $20 that it can cost new in a store.
And then I handed her the money. And she made it last! She's not doing as well this year, but then, she's also making her own money, and soon she'll have to dip into her own to buy her clothes. And that's fine, if that's where she chooses to spend her own money. At least she's learning how to budget!
3. Charity is Non-Negotiable
I suppose it's strange to say that we "force" charity, but we always have. We've demanded that they tithe, and every Christmas one of our rituals is poring over the Christmas catalogues we get from charities and dividing up the remaining charity money for that year, both theirs and ours. We pray over the needs and send it out.
And what I've found is that the girls are becoming generous on their own. Rebecca has frequently given away all the money in her wallet to a friend on a missions trip, or an appeal. And she's done it cheerfully. When you raise them from the beginning to understand that it's not our money, it's God's, they have a better attitude. We've also been to Kenya with them twice to help them to see what an African orphanage is like, so they know how much we have. And I think they get it.
4. Buy Second Hand
We buy everything second hand. We buy clothes second hand (not always, but we do check the second hand stores first). We buy cars second hand. We're bargain lovers! We don't need to be, but even if you have the money, why wouldn't you try to save? It gives you more to give away!
And then the girls learn how to find a bargain when they're older.
5. Cook Cheaply
One of my favourite things is teaching the girls how to cook (I began when they were 10) and helping them to figure out how much different meals cost. At every dinner we often have that discussion: how much was this meal per person? It helps them to see which is an expensive meal and which is not. It also helps them to see how expensive restaurant eating is (and that's the big failing I have as a parent. We eat out way too much). But I love cooking with leftovers, making casseroles and homemade soup. And then they see how cheaply you can get by! I have visions of them in university feeding a whole pile of friends because they'll be two of the few who can cook, and they'll know how to do it inexpensively!
What tips do you have about teaching kids about money? I'd love to know! Leave them in the comments!
This week is my birthday week, and for various reasons a ton of different people are taking me out to dinner various nights of the week. I've got my mom one night, my mother-in-law another night, my best friend and a barbecue another night, and so on. So I don't actually have much to plan. So instead I'd like to share some thoughts I had about eating out and menu planning.
But first I have a little aside that's going to come around to food in just a minute. Just bear with me!
This weekend I watched several episodes of the show "Til Debt Do Us Part", a Canadian show about couples who are in debt up to their eyeballs. A professional comes in and straightens them out, and by the end of the show they at least have a plan and a better sense of reality. I don't always agree with her (she often pushes moms of young toddlers into the workplace, whereas I would push them into a smaller and cheaper place to live first), but on the whole it's a good show. But what always gets me is how far in debt these couples can get in one month. They overspend by $5000, $6000, even $9000 a MONTH! My goodness! And they don't realize at the time that they are doing it. I can't for the life of me figure out how you can be that much in denial, but I guess it's possible.
Her suggestion is always to use a cash budget, and she divides up their budget usually into 5 or 6 jars, where she places money for them to use that week. It's never very much. I've rarely seen her give a couple more than $100 a week for food, which I think is unrealistic if you have a bunch of kids. But I do think food is the hidden budget item in many of our homes.
I'm not sure if we realize how much eating out truly costs us. Sure you grab McDonald's on the run today. And tomorrow, when you're out with just one child, you pick up lunch. And then when you've got all kids at the park, you stop by the ice cream store on the way home.
Add that all up, and frequently you're looking at $100 a week without a lot of effort. That's several hundred a month.
Now it's easy to hunker down and just say: that's it. We're not eating out anymore.
But I'm not sure that's realistic, either. Sometimes, after all, you just are in a hurry. And sometimes you do want to do something special with the kids, like grabbing the ice cream.
So today, on Menu Plan Monday, I want to talk about how we can "plan" for these times when we would normally eat out.
I think we need to be realistic. Some days you just aren't going to have time to fulfill your menu plan. The kids are going to have an emergency and you're not going to be home to cook. The soccer game will go later than planned. You got talking to a friend after picking up your kids from school, and your whole plan got thrown off. These things happen.
So why not realize that sometimes you're going to need something in a hurry and just plan for it? Here are two options:
1. Double meals as much as possible when you cook and then freeze half. Don't include that other half on your menu plan. That way, when you're especially desperate, there's always something in the freezer you can just defrost, even if it's just spaghetti sauce.
2. Buy frozen pizzas or frozen dinners just for that night. I know they're expensive, but it is cheaper to eat frozen chicken kiev or fish sticks with some frozen veggies than it is to run to McDonald's. The trick is to not eat it just because it's there. Save it for the real emergencies! These frozen meals don't tend to be as healthy, and they certainly are more expensive. So keep them for necessities (and we all have those necessities).
Now, what about those times when you just need a treat? How about this?
You know those really cool backpacks you can buy that come all ready for picnics? They have a cloth for the ground, and cutlery, and plates, and all kinds of other stuff? I just love them. Why not pick up such a backpack, or even better, create your own, and then whenever you want to go for a picnic you can just stick some food inside? Then you can go for a bike ride to the waterfront, or to a park, or to a river (put bug spray in that backpack, too!), and it's an outing and an event for your kids.
At our homeschool we often bike somewhere for lunch and then do math there, just to mix things up when the weather gets nice! We all need those special times, but you can create them yourself with some forethought.
So those are my suggestions if you don't want to spend $100 a week on eating out. Plan for emergencies, and have something on hand to make a special outing. Then we don't have to go fast food places, and our wallets will thank us!
Thanks for stopping by! I have lots more posts on marriage, family, and finding our purpose. Why not look around for a bit?
In the comments below, one woman asked what to do about tithing when you really want to tithe, but your husband isn't on board.
That's a toughie. Personally, I believe that God blesses you in many ways when you tithe, especially financially. You're putting your trust in Him, and He rewards that. I also think the Bible very clearly teaches that our money is not our own, it is His. And we need to give at least 10% away.
But if your husband doesn't agree, you can't just go and do it on your own. I think marital unity demands more.
What you can do, though, is tithe the money that is in your control. So if you follow my advice and budget for clothes, and groceries, and health & beauty, and gifts, etc., and you have control of that money, you could take that and tithe it. I have a friend, for instance, who has $280 a week to spend on all household expenditures. She gives away $30 of that, because it's already in her control. Her husband has agreed that as long as she purchases what they need, the money is hers. So she gives away based on that.
$30 a week may not be much, but she's still trusting God that He will provide, and she's still honouring Him first. And you can do that.
The other thing you can do is tithe your things. If you have children's clothes that are too small, or a lot of food in your cupboards, you can be generous with that. You can be generous with your time, or with your ability to bake or make home-cooked meals. You can cook for a single mom who needs a hand, or for an older couple in the neighbourhood.
You may not be able to tithe on your income, but you can share what God has blessed you with. So get creative about it, and don't get too upset if your husband isn't on board. It's not up to you to change him; that's up to God. So do what you can and focus on that, rather than on what you can't do. And I do think that when we start trying to be creative about how to share with others, God smiles!
As women, one of our primary responsibilities in the home is to be responsible with what we have been entrusted with.
That includes our kids, obviously. We should raise them, discipline them, teach them to be independent, and teach them about God.
It includes our homes. We should care for them appropriately (make them comfortable, not perfect), invite people over, and ensure our family members have a good place to relax. And by the way, that means you, too. Make sure you have candles by the bath after a long day!
And we should be responsible for our money. A big theme on many of the mom blogs I read is learning to live within your means. It's practical, biblical, and necessary. And I love the comments on my previous post! You moms obviously get that. And feeding a family of 6 on $325, as one woman wrote! That's awesome. (And yes, someday soon I will share more about the cloth pads, since you asked :) ).
But in the past few months we've witnessed the federal government and the Democrats running for President talking about the need to bail out those homeowners and banks who took on risky mortgages. I don't understand why we want to penalize responsibility and reward irresponsibility.
With that in mind, I loved McCain's speech early this week on the crisis. Here's a part of it:
I have always been committed to the principle that it is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly, whether they are big banks or small borrowers. Government assistance to the banking system should be based solely on preventing systemic risk that would endanger the entire financial system and the economy.
But read the whole thing. I think there's an important principle there for us who want to make sure our kids have a solid financial footing as they grow!
And for all those who were responsible and didn't take on a risky mortgage, I'm sure you would like to see housing prices fall back down to a reasonable level, right? Well, they won't if the government bails out these mortgages.
I find the whole thing tremendously sad, because I do feel badly for those who made a poor decision and now may lose everything. But at the same time, that's the way the world works. And the sooner people realize that, and learn to live on a budget, the better it will be for everyone.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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