We talked all about how to foster an attitude of gratitude, rather than an attitude of complaining all the time.
It's great to move ourselves to more gratitude. But what about our offspring? Often we raise them in such a way that we make complaining more likely. We think we're making their lives easier, but really we're harming them because we're not teaching them gratitude.
In today's podcast, I talk about how to combat complaints with real-life lessons. Listen in here.
I just love listening to podcasts while I exercise, so why not download this to your iPod or Zune and listen to it, along with some others, while you get moving? Or listen right here on your computer while you surf. It's not that long, and I hope you enjoy it!
Last week was complaint free week at this blog! If you didn't join in, you can start again! Just go to this first post, and follow the posts for the week. It really will make a difference in your life!
I'd love it if people could share what they experienced when they tried to stop complaining and show gratitude instead.
I think the big thing I noticed is that it's hard to identify complaining. I know that I can be negative, but it's easy to couch that negativity in other terms. Oh, I'm just offering constructive criticism. Or I'm just sharing something I'm struggling with with a friend of mine. Or I'm just trying to correct my child and point him or her on the right road.
We can justify just about anything.
Now some of those things are perfectly legitimate. It's good to discipline children. It's good to share our struggles with one or two close friends. Quite often, though, we do these things when we don't need to because we want the attention, or we want to be seen as "the good ones" while everyone else is wrong. It's the motivation that's the issue.
And what I found last week is that I don't always have the right motivation in my interactions. Even if I'm trying to stop from complaining, I often substitute other things for it. And what I need to do instead is to "take every thought captive" to God, and really exercise gratitude and grace.
It was a good exercise, and one I'd like to continue. What about you? Have you tried to stop complaining for a week? And what happened? I'd love to know!
I have to admit I got a little grumpy last night. It wasn't anything anyone did. In fact, my family was being rather nice to me. It was just that I wasn't being nice to them.
Recently we purchased a new computer for me. I'm a writer, and I do a lot of stuff online, so I do need a good one. My old notebook I'd had for a number of years and it was getting so slow that sometimes I couldn't even get online.
Now, I love new computers. But I hate having to move everything over. And my photo editing software wasn't working. So for hours I sat at my brand spanking new notebook, frustrated at life.
And I get that way quite frequently. When I'm involved in some work project that isn't going well, or when I'm trying to get some piece of technology to work, family members start to bug me. It's not that they're doing anything bad, either. They want to talk, or they want to show me something, or they're just chatting in the background. But when I'm trying to concentrate, they bug me.
I think that's the root of much of our complaining tendencies. We get caught up in something WE'RE doing, and in the meantime everyone else just living around us gets to be annoying, because it's a distraction. But family should never be a distraction.
Too often, though, we spend our lives doing things, whether it's working on the computer, or cleaning the house, or planning something at church, and because of that we feel pressure. And when we feel pressure, our loved ones become problems.
Or perhaps we're not even doing anything big. Maybe we're just trying to relax by watching a TV show, and our little ones want us to read to them. That's when we get grumpy and complain about never having any time to ourselves.
Don't get me wrong; we do need such time. But often we make choices about what to do with our time that isn't really in our best interests, let alone our family's. Do you know what I find most rewarding? Taking an evening and spending it with my kids, rather than in front of the computer. We play a game, or go for a walk, or bake something. It's nothing huge, but it's relaxing, and we laugh together.
We make choices that squeeze out that laughter. We forget how to just have fun together, and that's why we get complaining. We choose things that focus on us, rather than on our family. Yet those things we choose don't relax us; more often than not they frustrate us.
So here's your challenge for Day 4: Do something fun with your family today. It doesn't have to be big; but do something where you will laugh together with no other agenda in mind. Learn how to have fun together again. And you just may find the complaining goes away!
Scroll down for all the other challenges, or go to the original post. They're all listed at the bottom!
At times I have great difficulties. I wake up and I feel very tired, or I am tempted to offer "helpful observations", which are really just complaints. But I am trying to keep my mood upbeat!
If you remember, we've already had two challenges.
Today we have a new one! This one has to do with friends.
Do you know when I complain the most?
It's when I'm talking on the phone with friends. We complain about church, about committees, about people, about children (especially other people's children). Whatever.
And what's worse is that I realize that my children can hear.
So today, and for the rest of the week, I want you to watch what you say to your friends.
Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about real problems or real issues with our friends. I think we all need 1 or 2 safe women that we can talk to about anything, to hold us accountable, pray with us, and encourage us and guide us. That's essential.
But usually what happens is that we get talking to friends, and it's fun to complain and find fault in others. It really is. I'm not sure if it's because it makes us feel superior or what, but it can be fun to talk about all the things that everyone else is doing wrong. And I am most guilty of this when I have a partner in crime.
I think the purpose of complaint free week is not to stop feeling badly about some things in our lives--we will all have difficulties. It's to get our eyes off of our difficulties and onto God, who has the solutions. If we talk about struggles with the goal to solve them, that's fine. If we talk about struggles so that we can focus on our problems and focus on criticizing others, that's not.
So let's change the nature of our conversations. Today, when you're talking to your best friend, sister, or just any friend, ask them what is GOOD in their life. If you need to share a problem, share it with the goal of finding a solution, not going over and over someone else's faults. Tell them what you feel blessed about, and what you are praying for.
In a nutshell,
Complaint Free Challenge Three: Talk about blessings with a friend on the phone today, instead of talking about difficulties!
Go to it, and leave a comment about how it's going with you this week!
What do you do when you're unhappy about something in the marriage? How do you bring it up in a constructive way?
The problem many of us have, I believe, is that we either nag our husbands or we sit in stony silence. Neither is productive. I believe firmly that we must accept our husbands as they are. We must love them as they are, in the same way we love our children unconditionally. But that doesn't mean we accept everything they do. And if there is something that is really bothering you, how do you bring it up in a way that works towards a solution?
Too often we complain to our husbands. That's going to backfire, baby. Men's biggest need, you see, is to feel competent. They want to know that we think they are capable of providing for the family and being a good father and husband. When we start judging their performance, they feel undermined, and they can retreat. So complaining not only is mean; it's also counterproductive.
Here's what I would suggest:
1. Before saying anything, check your heart. Don't do it out of anger for him; do it out of concern for the relationship.
2. When you do talk to him, own the problem. Don't say, "you make me so mad when you...". Say, "I feel uncomfortable when you..." It's a little thing, but then you're claiming the problem. And then together you can work on a solution.
3. Wait until you're both relaxed to bring it up. Having a weekly date night where you just connect and talk about the family and relationship is a great way to deal with some of these issues. If he doesn't seem excited about that idea, then you make it exciting! Feed the kids dinner first, and save your dinner with your husband until 8:00 or later after they go to bed. Make it into something that looks fun!
Those are tips about the timing and the way to bring something up. But let's look at some other tips on how to avoid problems in the first place, or minimize those that are already there.
I believe most problems in marriages, from sex to parenting to money, stem from the fact that the couple isn't connecting either on a friendship level or on a spiritual level. In other words, if you want to connect better sexually, work on the other two fist. So here are some more tips:
1. Be your hubby's friend. Find things you can do together that you enjoy. If you hate that he spends so much time at the computer or watching TV, then come up with other things that the family can do that are fun. Take a walk. Take up jogging. Play soccer in the park. Go biking. Whatever. Just do stuff together, and then you're more likely to laugh together.
2. Connect on a spiritual level. If he isn't praying with you, you can take the initiative and pray together before bed. Read the Psalms before you go to sleep, or even better, Song of Solomon. When you connect spiritually, a lot of the other problems disappear.
That's it! Tips on how to stop complaining and do something constructive in your marriage. Build up, don't break down.
And so we're on to Assignment 2 in Complaint Free Week: Find a way to carve out time in your marriage to talk about the relationship, so you won't feel so inclined to complain. Get creative! Make it fun! But make it regular. Think today about how you can do that in a way that he will enjoy it, too.
I can't put in a Mr. Linky because my blog can only display one at a time, and I want to leave the one for Complaint Free Week up. So if you have some marriage advice, we still want to hear it! But you'll have to put your link in the comments. Thanks so much!
My book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, has a whole chapter on how to talk to your husband without nagging or complaining. It's a great one to check your attitude! And don't forget to click on Sheila's Store (just to your left). I've got the books I've written, plus a ton of other picks that will help your marriage!
Today on our podcast, we're complaining! No, wait, that's not right. We're talking about how NOT to complain, because it's complaint free week!
Here's a fun podcast with practical ways you can increase your gratitude quotient. Listen in!
And don't forget you can subscribe with iTunes or with RSS feed. I love podcasts; if you do, too, add mine to your list! Just go to my podcast, and click on the links at right hand sidebar!
For those of you who haven't heard about complaint free week yet, read this!
But in the meantime, I have been going strong for two days trying not to complain. I don't think I've managed very well, truth be told. I tend to complain without really realizing it.
Often I don't call it complaining. I call it "offering helpful observations". Or I call it "disciplining my children". But complaining is complaining!
So let's try to get a definition of complaining so it's all out in the open and we know exactly what we're talking about:
According to my dictionary, complain means: to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief; find fault.
It's that last one I struggle with. To find fault. I like finding fault with things. Maybe it's because it makes me feel superior, or because it deflects from my own defects. But whatever it is, I'm an expert at it.
Later in this week I'm going to talk about complaining and marriage; complaining and kids; complaining and responsibilities; and complaining vs. humility. But today I want to look at a general antidote to complaining, and that's gratitude.
There's a great Far Side cartoon that I can't reproduce here because of copyright issues, but it shows two lines at a customer service area. One says "Complaints". The other says "Gratitude". The complaints line is full, but the gratitude one is empty.
Gratitude is the polar opposite of complaining. When we feel grateful, we can't complain. If we realize how blessed we are, how can we express dissatisfaction, unease, or find fault? We're focused on what we have, not what we don't have.
So how can you cultivate gratitude today? What are you grateful for? I've been through periods of my life when it was hard to express gratitude. When my son was terminally ill, did I feel grateful? Nope. But I started writing out, every night, five things that I was grateful for that day. They may have been little things, like that he opened his eyes to look at me, or that I saw a beautiful sunset. But I wrote them down.
And the neat thing about that exercise is that I had to keep track of things during the day, so I'd have something to write down at night. I had to think about gratitude, rather than grief.
Today, thankfully, no one in my family is terminally ill. They just simply have a hard time making their beds, practising piano without being told, doing their chores, being nice to each other, and getting out of bed on time. In general they're great kids, but daily I have these annoyances.
So what is my response? Do I complain, or do I express gratitude that I have healthy, wonderful, fun children?
Gratitude doesn't mean that we don't discipline or act like a parent. It simply means that we do so with the attitude of love for them. It's a heart change.
And what about your circumstances? Maybe you're struggling with money right now, and that's getting you down. Maybe your house just isn't big enough, and it's hard to keep clean and in order. Whatever it is, it makes daily life difficult. Fair enough.
But complaining makes what is already difficult even worse. So pick several times during the day to say thanks to God. Recognize what you do enjoy. Do what you enjoy! Share what you enjoy! Focus on what you have, and you just may find that the urge to complain goes away.
So here's your challenge for Complaint Free Week Day 2: Write down five things a day that you're grateful for. If you're not a writing kind of a person, then pray them out loud before you eat dinner tonight or before you go to bed. But keep track of them! You'll find your brain starts going in a different direction!
Today's podcast will be about how to cultivate an attitude of gratitude! Check back; it will be up soon!
Read to the Bottom to Find How You Can Participate!
I complain a lot.
I can find fault with just about anything.
Part of it is my personality type. I'm a heavy NTJ for those of you who know Myers Briggs, so my goal is always efficiency and thinking outside the box. I can always come up with new ways of doing things, and it always bothers me when people aren't on board.
So yesterday I was speaking at a women's retreat. I had a wonderful time. The women were great, I felt invigorated giving my message, the weather was beautiful, the setting was lovely. And at one point I took a walk outside and talked to God. And as I walked, I just felt peaceful.
Then I thought, "there must be something that I'm supposed to pray about or fix." Usually when I pray, you see, I feel that God must be bringing to mind something that's wrong in my life.
Nothing came to mind. And then this thought went through my head: "Can't you ever just enjoy something without trying to see the negative?"
Now I've had a challenging week. I took on some projects that relied on other people, which is never a good idea when you're into efficiency and organization. And all week I was itching with all the problems everyone else was causing me. And as I took that walk, and felt peaceful, it occurred to me that I complain way too much.
Sometimes I complain about other people. Often I get my blood up about politicians, or the news, or church. I complain about other kids' parents. I complain about the place where my husband works. It's not that I don't say positive things, too. I do. It's just that if there's a negative to be pointed out, I'll see it, even if I don't mention it out loud.
We live in a negative culture, where we're always judging each other. Our politics is negative. And part of me enjoys that. I love reading political blogs and seeing what the next outrageous thing is that the party I abhor is up to. But it's sick in a way, too. Because even though I'm sure they're wrong, it doesn't do me any good to dwell on it. I know how I'll vote in an election. I know how I'll tell others to vote. Why should I glory in other people's mistakes? Why should I want to see what the next bad thing they've done is to justify my opinion of them?
Or what about with family and friends? When you live in an exciting family, as I do, there's always someone doing something crazy. And I have several friends and family members that would love to analyze these missteps with me. We don't call it complaining or criticizing. We discuss things, so that we can try to come alongside and help the children, or commisserate together. Yeah, right. We're just gossiping. And it doesn't help anyone.
I don't like this streak in me. So I have decided that with God's help I am going to have a complaint free week, where I focus on what is beautiful in the world. I'm not sure if I'll make it, because it's a little out of character for me, but I'm going to try.
For one week, I will not say anything negative. I will see the good in people, I will thank them for what they do, I will smile, I will be a blessing. I will learn to hold my tongue and enjoy the world.
But I don't want to do this alone, because I know I'm not the only one. So would you like to join me? Do you complain about your spouse way too much, even if it's only in your head? Do you complain about your job, or your in-laws, or taxes? Let's try not to. For one week, let's be positive, and see how it changes our lives and our outlooks!
Here's a great cartoon that summarizes the whole thing, too!
So will you join me in Complaint Free Week? Starting today, until next Saturday at midnight, I'm going to pray that God will help me not to complain. Why don't you do the same? And fill in the Mr. Linky to tell us all about it!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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