It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!  I received an email recently from a woman who is engaged. She was absolutely flabbergasted and stunned when her fiance admitted to her that he is tempted to look at other women (even though he turns away and really tries not to). How could she marry someone who thought other women were attractive? I think this is a common concern, and so I thought today in Wifey Wednesday I'd try to give us a way to look at how we should react when men admit that they're temped to gaze at attractive women. First, I totally understand how hurt most women are when they find out their guys are tempted by porn, or even just a pretty woman--even if they don't do anything about it. It's totally natural to be upset because it feels like he doesn't think we're enough. But I think the reason that we women often get hurt over things like this is that we honestly don't understand men. Their sex drives are just completely different from ours (I'm in the middle of writing a book about this right now!). They really are primarily visual. If a man sees a pretty woman, his body automatically starts to respond, in the same way that if you were to walk in the front door, even if you weren't hungry, and you smelled chocolate chip cookies just out of the oven, your mouth would start to water, whether you really wanted them or not. Even if you weren't seeking it out, you respond. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a temptation. It doesn't mean that he's going to do anything (and, in fact, if your hubby or fiance is talking to you about it I'd say you were luckier than 90% of women, because he's being honest and open). If he's noticing that a woman is attractive, and then he's pulling his eyes away, he's only being tempted. He's not sinning. He hasn't decided to do anything; in fact, he's decided to turn from the temptation, which is exactly what he should be doing. I would be concerned if he's actually into pornography, because that's a huge issue for so many guys today. Every married woman should make sure there are controls on the computer. But what you don't want to do is make him feel so badly that he can't come to you when he's struggling, or that he feels like you really don't understand him. We women have our own weaknesses that we struggle with, just in a different way. We're far more likely to gossip/bad mouth our mates to other women, thinking that we're just being helpful. We're far more likely to judge and to nag. We're far more likely to be selfish in the sexual realm, rather than giving and open as wives, mostly because we don't understand men. If you're married or engaged to a man who really loves God, who is trying to follow Him, who is aware of his own natural weaknesses, who loves you and is trying to be accountable, and is committed to purity, then celebrate! You can't expect him not to notice an attractive woman, though, any more than you can expect yourself not to water at chocolate chip cookies. But if he doesn't stare, if he turns away, if he closes his eyes during certain scenes in movies, then he is being pure. The temptation is not the sin; entertaining the temptation is. On the other hand, if you're married to someone who is tempted and gives into that temptation--by staring at random strangers, or by looking at porn--then you do need to talk to him. We shouldn't tolerate our husbands watching porn, because it will jus get worse, and it will likely affect his sex drive for the worse, too. It will make real intimacy during sex that much harder to achieve. But even if he doesn't use porn, if he looks at other women, or comments on them, that's hurtful. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you understand the temptation, but that he promised to love you and you alone. You're worth it. And then act like a woman who is worth it! Be confident. Dress attractively. Give him something to look at! Buy lingerie and let him see it sometimes. It's hard to demand that men not look at other women if we simultaneously never really encourage them to look at us. No, you shouldn't put up with him staring at other women or lusting after other women. But if it's just a temptation, don't blow at him. And make sure that you are feeding his visual side at times, too! I'd love to hear from women who have struggled in their marriages with this. Leave a comment (anonymously if you want) to let me know how you've dealt with this. Or, do you have something else to tell us to encourage us in our marriages today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
Labels: intimacy, marriage, pornography, wifey wednesdays |
Stumble It!
Dear Sheila & Readers:
I write this out of direct experience with how men get tangled in the "looking" temptation. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our 2nd child. It was not a drawn out affair, rather one that would fall in the "one night stand" category. I won't go into all the details but I will say this: it brought to light his struggle with internet porn, that I had known nothing about. At the time, I was also not giving him much to look at, and I was for all intents & purposes withholding from him. Thankfully, neither he nor I contracted any STD's out of this and our baby was born just fine. However, we had a heck of a year dealing with the fallout from this. We are fine now, and our marriage is stronger because of this. Neither of us would want to do it over again, or have that happen, but neither would we change it for the world.
My husband will not ever say that he's delivered and has total victory over this...he would say he's "recovering." However, God has removed that temptation from him, and he's not fallen again. We talk regularly about stuff related to this, and our conversations are now much more deep than they used to be. Out of this came an understanding, deeper, of how his mind is wired. We listened to the audio book of Every Man's Battle together, and I learned so much from that. I now, for the most part, take more care with my appearance, and try and give him something to look at. I try and dress in clothing that he finds attractive but modest, and I wear things for him at home from time to time so I can get the wolf whistle from him! :) We have a wonderful sex life, and I love that I can "do that" to him after 2 kids and 12 years of marriage.
My husband would say it's not the gorgeous woman that's there that he notices, that's the problem. The problem is what he chooses to do with it: indulge in looking and that will inevitably lead to fantasizing...or will he acknowledge that there is a gorgeous woman there, and just leave it at that? I could write so much more about this, but I will leave this be for now.