Can email bring families closer together? I’ll let you be the judge. Here is a synopsis of messages my extended family sent over an 18-hour period.

Aunt 1: Would you all like to come to Christmas dinner here?

Mother, Cousin 1, Cousin 2: Sure!

Aunt 2: I want to be anywhere but here, because all my cutlery and kitchen stuff is in boxes.

Me: Ummm, okay, but Keith’s on call and he may be a little worried about being 15 minutes from the hospital.

Aunt 2: Perhaps Keith should become a helicopter pilot so he can get there quicker?

Uncle: If he were to fly the Canadian copters, he may crash and end up in Emerg in an ambulance. But hey, that’s where he was heading in the first place!

Uncle again: With the first snowfall today, a great idea came to me. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a Christmas BBQ down by the shore! We could build a big fire to thaw out our food as well as anyone who happened to wander off into a snowdrift. With all the doctors on site, I'm sure we could keep fatalities to an absolute minimum.
Aunt 1: Ha ha ha ha. My husband is very funny. But we will be eating indoors.

Mother: You know, if Aunt 2 brought all her boxes of kitchen stuff, eating by the lake would be easier.

Aunt 2: Perfect! Down by the lake it is. I have some new hypothermia techniques I’ve been wanting to try out anyway. Perhaps we can invest in an ice boat for Keith.

Mother: I have visions of Keith flying down the Bay, fork in one hand and slightly frozen turkey in the other. Not sure from this distance whether the fork is one of Aunt 2’s or Aunt 1’s. Wouldn't want him going off with the wrong cutlery. Especially after Sheila's efforts to teach the girls some table manners. If it is turkey, he should be using the dinner fork.

Me: Given my children’s table manners and flatulent ability, I, too, am inclined to go with turkey-on-a-spit. I can assure you, though, that they will likely forget to use their forks. In fact, I’m likely to forget to come altogether. This week alone, I forgot their piano lessons, forgot Becca’s dance lessons, and was so mortified I determined not to forget Katie’s ballet lessons. I bundled her up, arrived at my meeting, and told everyone I had to leave at 10:52 to make it to ballet for 11. And I did make it to ballet at 11. Except that ballet started at 10. So yes, we can come. But please be grateful that even if my girls use the wrong fork, that they are at least using one; everyone should bring nose plugs; and someone will have to phone to remind me it is Christmas.

Uncle: Wonderful! Turkey-on-a-spit it is. Nobody bring metal forks, though. They have a habit of sticking to the tongue.

Cousin 2: We seem to have forgotten a compromise. If we all build an igloo around a fire, we can be both inside and outside at the same time!

Cousin 1: This is what I understand. When: Christmas Day, time yet to be determined but hopefully the weather will cooperate and it will coincide with an ice storm or arctic gale. Who: anyone who can make it whether they are playing hooky from the hospital or not; children may or not be present but do not be surprised if they show up in ballet tutus expecting a piano lesson. What to Bring: Many layers of clothing. I recommend a windproof layer on the outside to keep the outside wind out and one's inside wind in (very good for heating purposes). Will pack a can of beans for snacking on the drive out. In terms of cutlery contributions, I understand forks are not deemed necessary by the younger crowd and thus I will not worry so much that I can only transport plastic forks on the airline.

Uncle: I know! We could make it into a Reality TV show! The Survivors Christmas… “Who will be the last left on the icy floes of…”

Shortly after this, Aunt 1 disconnected Uncle’s internet and we all returned to normal. But now, at least, you know where I get it from.

Labels: Christmas, columns