When children are two and parents are attempting the toilet training feat, there's a phrase that we all seem to say: "Look at what a big boy/girl you are!" We encourage kids to want to think of themselves as "big". And they love it! They walk up to complete strangers and announce, "I'm a big boy!"
What happens to that pride in growing up?
It somehow disappears. Several commenters and emailers suggested I was being harsh in my Halloween column, when I said that teenagers should not be trick or treating. I know many trick or treaters in my neighbourhood last night were well past my expiry date for revelers, so I don't think that my interpretation of the etiquette of the evening is very widespread.
So I've been rethinking my take: am I wrong on Halloween? Perhaps. I've never been enamoured with the holiday to begin with, so I may be being a bit grumpy about it. But I'll tell you why I think it's important: too often we deny our children the chance to grow up.
Our society is suffering from an epidemic of overaged adolescents. College graduates move back in with their parents (though much of that is the lack of ability to find a job). People don't marry; they live together. They become addicted to video games. Teens are often very rude. They don't know how to hold down a job, even if they wanted to. They don't seem in a hurry to hit the milestones I rushed full tilt to: finish school, get married, have a baby, get a job. Those things are to put off as long as possible, so we can still "have fun". And fun is described as anything that does not require responsibility.
We live in an adolescent society, and I see that as a bad thing. Thus, in my parenting and my writing I have taken every opportunity possible to encourage children to grow up, in age appropriate ways, of course. Here are a couple of random thoughts on how to encourage kids to "grow up":
1. Talk About the Next Milestone
From the time they are little, talk "up" the next milestone. We do it when they're toilet training; let's keep doing it. See responsibility and increased ability as something to look forward to. "Soon you're going to be able to stay in the house by yourself! What a big boy!" "Soon you're going to be able to read chapter books!" "Soon you're going to be able to go to youth group!"
And then, when those milestones happen, get excited about it! Have a mini-dinner party about it! It's not hard; just at your regular sit down family dinner wear paper hats and toast the child who has reached another milestone. Talk about growing up as if it's a good thing.
2. Give Increased Privileges
I remember at each birthday for a while I was allowed to stay up 15 minutes or half an hour later at night. I was so looking forward to birthdays because I'd get to go to bed later!
That's hard to do, though, if kids don't have a strict bedtime. Parents today aren't as scheduled as parents were when we were growing up, and because of that it's hard to make distinctions between different ages. If you're already letting your 8-year-old stay up until 9:30 at night, or go to bed whenever he wants, how do you give him increased privileges when he turns 9?
Try to keep some elements of your home structured, like bedtime, play dates, how many extracurricular activities they do or what type of extracurricular activities, or what TV shows they can watch (if you have a TV). Then, when they reach the next milestone, you can let them do more things.
So don't let all children do everything. I know that's hard when you have a whole pile of kids, and you're just trying to keep things working, but distinguish between the ages. Give the older one more privileges, and then growing up will be seen as a positive thing.
3. Grant More Responsibility
At the same time, give children more responsibility as they get older. Increase the number of chores they're expected to do. Help them learn to run a household, whether it's ensuring they know how to cook a few meals by the time they're 13 or teaching them how to clean well. When kids feel capable, they tend to act more mature and think of themselves as older.
Then, with that responsibility give increased allowance. Don't give every kid the same amount of spending money; increase it as they age so that they want to get bigger.
4. Put an Age Limit on Some Activities
Here's where my Halloween strategy comes in. You may not agree with it for Halloween (though I definitely do), but think long and hard about this. We don't want children to grow up thinking that they can still act like children, even when they're in their late teens. We want to raise children who, once they're 18, will want to get a job, will want to become more independent, will want to plan for the future.
To do that, we have to encourage our children to stop thinking of themselves as kids. We have to encourage them to think of themselves as being "beyond childhood", and to see that as a badge of honour.
So take some things in your family and call them off limits once a child hits 13 or 16. I would put Trick or Treating in this category, but you may add something else, like going to a particular summer camp, or doing a certain extracurricular activity. Whatever makes sense for your family.
Just make sure that as your children age, you are distinguishing between childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, and that there is a progression. Don't assume that children will one day wake up and think of themselves as adults and be happy that they're adults!
5. Mark Milestones
Last summer we threw a blessing party for my 13-year-old. I had a mini-spa set up in my dining room and living room, where we were doing pedicures, manicures, and facials. It was great fun.
Then, afterwards, I invited twelve women and several teenage girls who Katie looked up to to say a blessing over her, and to affirm something that they saw in her. We did the same thing for Rebecca when she was 13, and it was wonderful.
This winter Rebecca is turning 16, and we'll celebrate another milestone. Our society doesn't do that as well as they did in the past. We don't have ceremonies marking the fact that "now you are an adult", because it takes so long, with education and training, to function as an adult today. But I believe that's all the more reason that we should mark milestones and congratulate our children for growing into the adults God made them to be. Help them to see themselves as growing older; help them to see themselves as being made for a purpose; help them to see themselves as capable people, whom God will use to live out that purpose.
Their life, in other words, is bigger than just them. You can't live life as an extended adolescent; we have to embrace the fact that God has called us to something, and is now equipping us for it.
One last warning: The new Superman graphic novel has radically changed the Superman character. Education writer Joanne Jacobs explains, "He’s still super, but he’s not happy about it. DC Comics’ new Superman is a sullen, brooding and angst-ridden 20-year-old who prefers a hoodie to a cape". They've turned Superman into a brooding adolescent, instead of a hero who wants to fight for justice and for what's right. Even our cultural icons have started to glamourize this extended adolescence. If you don't want that for your child, you will have to fight against it, and that means making some things off limits for teens, giving them more responsibility, and marking milestones.
That's why I believe teens shouldn't trick or treat. Perhaps it's only a minor thing, but it's part of my bigger strategy to help my girls grow up. I don't know what stage your children are at, but it starts in the early years, encouraging them to look for the next milestone, giving them increasing responsibiliity and increasing privileges, and congratulating them when they reach a certain skill level or responsibility level. Let's talk about growing up as if it's a good thing; let's remind them that it's part of God's plan.
If we all did that, I bet we'd have fewer brooding Supermen.
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Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
Our little corner of the world has seen a lot of horror and grief in the last few weeks, what with the Russell Williams trial, the heartbreaking accounts of depravity, and the media circus. So I think it would be rather fitting if we swore off horror for Halloween. Instead of celebrating ugliness, why not celebrate ballerinas and cowboys and princesses and superheroes, with a few baby bunnies and baby bees thrown in? In fact, I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is, and I’ll announce a chocolate ratio: anyone at my door wearing a happy costume gets three pieces of chocolate. Anything ugly gets only 1.
And if any parent dresses their little girl in something that looks like stripper wear, I’ll still give the kid a mini-chocolate bar, because they’ve already been punished enough by having such a degenerate family. But I’ll be sure to send the evil eye the parents’ way.
I’ve never been that fond of Halloween, ever since my grade three year when I pranced into school in my Wonder Woman costume and all the boys laughed at me. Coming up with a costume that other kids would think was cool was always way too stressful. And as a parent, creating a costume my children wanted to wear but which was also warm enough to protect them in the October slush gave me migraines. I’ve always had that suspicion that Hallowe’en is just a big racket anyway, promoted by candy and costume companies, forcing us to shell out big bucks so our kids can freeze one night and gorge themselves the next.
Thus, I was deliriously happy when my children reached that magical age of twelve, when I proclaimed that trick or treating was now a thing of the past. Hitting up neighbours for candy is cute when one is six; when one is fourteen and can afford an iPod touch, it’s not called cute anymore. It’s called extortion.
What makes it even worse is that often these teens arrive sans costume. Maybe they’ve managed to throw on a wig on or some heavy black eye makeup, but that’s it. Why should I give a teenager a little chocolate bar just for showing up at my door, when they haven’t even put any effort into it?
If teens want to dress up and have a party for Halloween, by all means, go right ahead. But do it inside someone’s house, not out on the street. Get your friends together, pool your money and buy candy on sale, and watch some movies or play some games. Just keep it indoors, not out on the street where you’re scaring four-year-old ballerina princesses to death.
The only teens I don’t mind seeing at my door are those who are supervising younger siblings, so that Mom and Dad can stay at home, listening to their own doorbells and giving out their own candy in peace. Those teens are contributing, they’re not mooching. Interestingly, the teen supervisors almost never ask for candy. But I tend to give it to them anyway, because I appreciate that they’re being generous with their time, too.
Hallowe’en is an upside down night. We let kids go out in the cold without coats; we let them take candy from strangers; we let them eat too much dessert. We’re already big hypocrites. So let’s at least put some parameters on it. No teenage—or adult—trick or treaters. No costumes that sexualize little children. And no costumes that turn rambunctious kids into demons. From one subdivision mom to all the other fed up moms out there, let’s join forces and enforce some decency once again. And maybe then we’d have some chocolate left over to munch on, all by ourselves.
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It is 7:30 here on a Monday. It's light out and the sun is finally shining, after a week of hiding. I wish it made me feel more energized. Instead I feel like I am stuck inside a gigantic to-do list.
I don't have any big-tent thoughts today that are worth writing a big blog post on, so I thought I'd just tell you a few of the things that are on my mind right now.
First, Hallowe'en was weird this year. We had more kids than last year (we live in a subdivision and people come from all over to trick or treat in our neighbourhood). But I swear half of the kids we had (and we had at least 200) were over 12. And quite a few of the girls were dressed like strippers. It was disheartening, to say the least. For a while my kids were giving out candy, but it got a little embarrassing giving stuff out to kids who were older than them. Someone really should put a stop to this. Don't know how, though.
I'm a little overwhelmed with that to-do list I mentioned. A choir from the orphanage we support in Kenya is in town, and I'm hosting a fundraiser tomorrow night. Their story is amazing, and we're heading over in 2010 leading a medical team. I love doing something that makes a tangible difference, and my children have so benefited from participating in trips to Kenya. So I just have to remember that if my regular stuff doesn't get done this week, in the broader scheme of things it doesn't matter. We're making a difference, and that's what counts.
I'm finding it very difficult lately to balance different forms of ministry. I've been very involved with the youth in our church this year, and many of them are going through hard times. So I've wanted to be there for them. Then I've been speaking a ton, which eats up a lot of my weekends this time of year. I have extended family that really need attention. But I'm also a big believer in having neighbours and friends over for dinner. We haven't done that in ages because I just don't seem to have time. So I've been praying that God will give me a vision, even if it's just on a week by week basis, of where to place my ministry emphasis. Because quite frankly I can't do it all, and I need some downtime.
I've been pondering marriages lately. Not my own, but just the state of the institution in general. The truth is, marriage is tough. Really tough. And I'm starting to find that some marriages can't be saved, except by an amazing work of God. I wish people could face reality earlier, and deal with their issues before it rips their family apart, but few have the honesty to face their problems when they can still coast. I do think, though, that the typical Christian response to pressure for reconciliation at all costs can be misplaced. Reconciliation without fully dealing with the issues will not work; it just delays the breakup and makes it worse when it occurs. We need to, instead, surround the people with love, help them to grow in Christ, and help them both to be honest and to learn to love. As they learn to love, they may turn to each other again. But they may not. And if someone has grounds to leave the marriage, we need to give them the space. No one else really knows what goes on inside another person's marriage. Obviously we'd all like all marriages to succeed (as does God, I believe), but there is grace if one has been so hurt that for one's own sanity and the preservation of one's spirit that one has to finally say enough is enough.
The problem is that many say it too lightly. They say enough is enough when the real problems are more minor ones. But when they are about a controlling personality, suffering from major addictions, and violating the marriage vows off and on throughout the marriage, eventually the hurt spouse may have to just get out, even if their spouse isn't cheating at that very moment. It may have taken several years to build up the strength to get out. And I believe God gives grace at that moment. Our challenge, as a church, is not necessarily how to save the marriage at that point (I think we need to minister to each spouse and show grace, but not force reconciliation). Our challenge is how to save marriages like that five years before that happened. How do we identify marriages in trouble and help them before it gets so bad? I don't know, and I'd really like an answer.
Here's another question: Do all children automatically love their parents? I heard that again this week as a woman was giving a really touching testimony of being raised in a dysfunctional family with a dad who was rarely there, and who was often drunk. She said, "but I still loved him, because he was my daddy. And I wanted him there." I've heard that mantra all my life: I loved him because he was my daddy. And even though he was terrible, I yearned for him in my life.
The truth is, I didn't. Does that make me a bad person? I've never had problems loving others, but I feel very little emotion for my father, and that's always been the case. Perhaps it's because I didn't see him from the time I was a baby until I was about 4 or 5 I think, and then I only saw him for a week a year. Maybe I just failed to attach to him, which other children, who saw their parents more often, may have done, even if their parents were terrible. My dad wasn't terrible, he just wasn't there. So I'm having issues with this idea that kids automatically love their parents. Any comments? I'd really love to talk this one out.
Finally, I really would like some comments on my Saturday post, right below. What do you think on that take on things? Have Christian books become increasingly strange? What about this emphasis on happiness? What do you think about the emphasis on success in the career realm? I found the whole thing so bizarre, but it doesn't seem like anyone agrees. Perhaps I didn't write the post well enough, but please humour me and say something!
Every Friday I write a syndicated parenting column that appears in a bunch of newspapers. Here's my Hallowe'en one!
Interestingly, the first hate mail I ever had was on my premier Hallowe'en column seven years ago. I wrote about how much I hated spending money on costumes kids would only wear for one night, and a woman wrote in saying I had no right to say that since my husband was a doctor and I was a stuck up snob. And thus began the glorious tradition of having idiots write in to criticize me every week. I have learned now to delete them without actually reading, once I ascertain the tone.
Anyway, hope you like this week's offering!
Jeff Foxworthy once said you know you’re a Canadian when you design Hallowe’en costumes to fit over snowsuits. I think he’s got a point. One year I stuffed Katie into a white turtleneck covered by a huge pink sweater, and then added two pairs of heavy white tights, a pink ballet tutu, a magic wand, and a pink tiara. In terms of layers she probably resembled a linebacker more than she did a princess, but at least she wasn’t shivering.
Of course, it wouldn’t have been an issue if I had let her dress as a ghost. She could have donned a woolly parka under that sheet and nobody would have been the wiser. But ghosts have never been my thing.
Hallowe’en revelers tend to fall into those two camps: the gremlins and the princesses. Either we celebrate Hallowe’en as an excuse to play dress-up, or we think of Hallowe’en as a time to scare ourselves silly. I’ve never liked being scared, except when it could cure me of hiccups, so I’m more the princess type.
What is this fascination we have with fear? It certainly isn’t unique to our culture; almost all cultures have some sort of celebration of the dark side of life. And one glance at our entertainment fare reveals how much our culture is preoccupied with the gruesome. Our TV shows depict the most perverted murders. Slasher films are still popular. And take the gore away from the video games and very little would remain. An alien watching our media would easily believe that murder is a raging epidemic, rather than a thankfully rare occurrence.
With our fixation on this dark side of life, then, it’s hardly surprising that Hallowe’en has become the second or third biggest party of the year, still behind New Year’s but competing strongly with the Super Bowl. But maybe there’s something deeper going on beneath the surface. The Hallowe’en imagery, it seems to me, is all about trying to stare death in the face. Grim reaper, ghosts, gremlins, and demons abound. And if we can laugh at death, then maybe it’s not so scary.
Perhaps that sounds too philosophical for an evening whose primary aim, to most, is to fetch as big a haul of candy as possible, but I do think those are the roots of the Hallowe’en tradition. And therapists have been using this desensitization method for years. If you’re scared of something, the thought goes, you just expose yourself to ever larger doses of it until it loses the power to render you weak-kneed and weak-bladdered.
While this may be a good idea if your fear is something that debilitates you in everyday life, like a fear of the dark or a fear of spiders, I’m not sure it works in the truly scary situations.
Ultimately the really hard things can’t be prepared for in the traditional way. When my son was gravely ill, one of the worst parts of the whole ordeal was how the diagnosis kept changing. I spent all my time trying to prepare for all these different scenarios, yet in the end the one that played out wasn’t one that we had foreseen. All that worry had been for nothing, and it made it harder to enjoy the twenty-nine days I did have with him.
Lots of terrible things can happen in our lives. We can choose to focus on these, or we can choose to focus on love, on faith, and on character. You can never prepare for every contingency, and quite frankly, who knows how you will handle anything until the time comes anyway? How much better to strengthen your inner reserves now, before hard times come, rather than focusing on all the crises that may befall you.
Whatever you do this Hallowe’en, I hope you get lots of chocolate! But when it comes to life, live it as a princess and not as a gremlin. Why try to prepare for every evil that may lurk around the corner? After all, the best way to deal with darkness is to shine some light, and that’s what I’d rather do.
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About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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