There are some days when I’ve just about had it. Recently, when baby-sitting a friend’s two preschoolers for the day, I realized how much one can forget in the six short years since both of my girls have been out of diapers. On that day, the three-year-old got into the paints when I wasn’t looking. I discovered him sitting on top of the kitchen table, making interesting designs on his clothes, and took one look at him and decided he was too far gone to interfere with now. I just gave him some paper and figured at least this would keep him busy for a while. And it did. It kept him so busy he didn’t realize when he had to pee. My table got the worst of it. He peed all over a chair later that day, too. I spent the entire day walking behind the four kids and cleaning up after them.
Some of us have jobs that make us feel that way, too. If we work at a place where morale is lower than a double-jointed limbo dancer, everybody is grumpy. Nobody wants to be there. And nobody seems to notice anything good that we do. The problem, whether at our jobs or at home, is not necessarily that the work we do is miserable, or that the job is too hard. It’s that nobody appreciates our efforts. Attention only comes our way when there’s a problem.
Living that kind of life, with no positive feedback, can be like living a slow death. Even when we have chosen a life we desperately want—a career we feel proud of, a family we’re raising that we love, a business we’re starting—that inner sense of motivation, satisfaction or drive only takes you so far. We are social beings, and we need positive human interaction.
I think that’s what poisons so many marriages, and causes employers to lose the best people. These bad feelings, even if they don’t stem from huge issues, can start to add up as, brick by brick, we build up walls between us. Soon there doesn’t seem anything left to hold us together.
How can we stop this impending death? My grandfather, after every meal, would always smile and thank my grandmother. “Mother,” he would say, “that was wonderful,” whether it was or not. It seems quaint now, and maybe even a little sexist, but I think that meant something to her. He was acknowledging the effort and the love that she put into that meal. When we don’t acknowledge that love, too often it flickers out.
Much as we may know this kind of appreciation is vital, though, when we’re feeling unappreciated, it’s really hard to appreciate anybody else. We’re each waiting for the other person to thank us, before it even occurs to us to acknowledge them. It’s strange how we’re often the most critical with those we’re the closest to. We can be kind to strangers, but are we kind to those who really matter? When we’re not, we cause bitterness to escalate, even if it doesn’t stem from anything huge. Even so, bit by bit, we build up walls between us until there doesn’t seem anything left to hold us together.
I know many of us are tired. After that day with four kids, I certainly was. But think about those around you. Why not break through that wall today, before it becomes too high to climb over? Take my advice: whether you’re at home or at work, stop reading, smile at the person nearest you, and say thank you for something. You’ll be tearing down bricks, and that’s ever so much better than piling them up.
I just want to give you all a big cyber hug and thank you for your comments on my post when I asked for some encouragement. I really, really appreciate you all taking time to share your stories. And it was a big encouragement to me!
We're facing a lot of difficult and BIG decisions as a family right now. It's hard to navigate your way through and find out what God is really calling you to. I don't want to go into too many details, but I'm excited about whichever way God pushes us. It's just that I know it will be difficult for some people to hear or accept.
By the way, none of this has to do with writing! I'll keep on with this blog no matter what. I like having something to do regularly, and I love building a relationship with all of you. It's just personal/work type stuff.
I wish there were an easy, surefire way to know God's calling and direction, but I guess it just comes from feeling peace about the road you're pursuing. So that's what I'm asking him for!
I'm feeling a little bit introspective this morning.
And I have a question for you.
What big a difference can we really make in other kids' lives?
I don't want to go into a lot of details, but over the last few years I have poured myself into a few kids, wanting to show them love and a godly example of family. And, to be honest, I'm not sure what effect I've had. I've been writing about this for years, but I guess I never really thought it applied to me: it is very difficult to overcome parental deficiencies. Where parents have dropped the ball, it's hard for someone else to pick it up.
That's why programs like Head Start have such absmal records. You can try and try and try, but if kids aren't getting the love and discipline at home, there's only so much you can do, short of God's grace.
I know a family who fostered for eight years. They did such a great job. But eventually they had to close their doors, which was really hard, because it wasn't the best thing for their own daughter. They did see some lives change, which was great, but it took a toll on their family.
I feel that sometimes when we get really involved in some ministries at the church. I am so determined to see these kids change, but it isn't up to me, is it? And eventually, how do we judge our effectiveness?
Maybe it just all comes back to marriage. Yes, we need to be there for the kids who are lost souls, but ultimately it would be better if we as a church took more care in helping couples get married and stay married in the first place, so fewer kids would be lost souls. Because when the family is messed up, what impact can you really have?
So I guess I'm sort of down on myself right now, and I'd love some encouragement. So tell me, did any adult ever have a great impact on you that maybe they wouldn't have seen right away? Was it something that was only visible later? I really need those stories today!
I feel like I'm letting some kids down if I stop doing what I'm doing, but I also feel called to my nuclear family more. But I do want to feel like what I did was worthwhile. I don't want to share more details than that, but that's where my head is at right now.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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