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Wifey Wednesday: Use It Or Lose It

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

oil change againphoto © 2010 Sarah German | more info (via: Wylio)
I've found a great new blog called Hot, Holy, Humorous, where a woman writes very openly about sex in a Christian marriage! And a while ago she wrote a really insightful post about "maintenance sex". She said:

As much as I wish that our every sexual encounter was a long and soulful experience, sometimes we’re relegated to what my husband once termed Maintenance Sex. Perhaps you can only fit in a 10-minute quickie before breakfast. Maybe you have to schedule a half-hour into the calendar because otherwise it won’t happen.

But that maintenance can be very important. Think about it this way: It’s fun to make home improvements. New carpet, fresh paint, kitchen or bathroom renovations are exciting and satisfying. But we can’t ignore the minor repairs that the keep the house going –steaming the carpet, painting touch-ups, cleaning those kitchens and bathrooms. Both are good for your home.

The same with sex. We married couples might wish that our sexual encounters were as spectacular as the community fireworks display, but shorter encounters can be fun too, like playing with sparklers. They’re all firecrackers, baby.
She's so right! And I think maintenance sex is important for another reason. It keeps the juices flowing, so to speak.

Here's the awful truth that many wives discover as soon as they're married: sex sometimes is kind of blah. In fact, it's a lot more blah than she ever thought it would be. But in the movies and in magazines it's always presented as something breathless, rapturous, and amazing. We get the impression that that is what sex is supposed to be like. It's always going to be an amazing, earth-shattering experience.

Then, when we know that we're not really in the mood for an amazing, earth-shattering experience, we feel like it would be lying to go ahead and have sex. And so we don't do anything at all. We roll over and say goodnight and wait for a night where we might actually be panting and wanting it--even if such nights only occur about every six weeks, if we're lucky.

But here's the truth about female libido: normally we aren't panting until we start making love. Our libido isn't like men's, when we feel "hot" before we even start. We usually need some stimulation to help things get going. And interestingly, the more we have sex, the easier it becomes to get aroused. The less you have sex, the harder it is to become aroused. It's not like we deprive ourselves for a long time, and that makes it even hotter. It's actually the opposite. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Your body just forgets about its sex drive.

So maintenance sex is not just about pleasing him; it's sort of like making love as a promise to him and to yourself: I'm doing this because sex is important in our relationship. I'm doing this because I believe sex is great, even if the earth doesn't always move for me. And I'm doing this because I know that the earth will move for me soon, even if it's not tonight.

Now, if the earth NEVER moves for you, stay tuned, because in future Wifey Wednesdays (and maybe even in a vLog) I'm going to explain how to make the earth move. But in the meantime, remember that maintenance sex helps him feel good about the relationship, keeps you connected, and helps your own libido. So don't forget about sex until you really want to. Make love regularly. It doesn't have to take a ton of time! Just throw yourself into it, and you'll likely find that your improved attitude makes it a lot more fun!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

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At 8:45 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

Thank you for posting this encouragement. I can see I am not the only woman who struggles with this issue.

I would love a "Wifey Wednesday" dealing with the issue of What if you never want sex? I have been married for 4 years, have two children, and other than maybe a little in the very beginning, I have never really wanted sex. I feel like I could live the rest of my life without it just fine. Of course, I don't want to feel this way. It isn't fair to my husband, so we definitely do it anyway, but it's something I often dread. I just know this isn't how God intended things to be.


At 8:49 AM , Blogger Sheila said…

Anonymous, you are DEFINITELY not alone! I think probably around 30-40% of women feel exactly like you, at least according to the surveys I did for my new book. I know I did at one point. I will certainly address this soon, but this post may help in the meantime!


At 10:54 AM , Anonymous Gina Parris said…

Oh man! I did the linky thing wrong up there. I meant to link to yesterday's marriage article at winning at romance. I mostly love that you explained how the more we have sex, the more we want it. This is totally true when its a great experience, but for the millions of women that feel like Anonymous, sometimes those attempts just go badly. (At least they did for me for so long.) that's why I'm so dedicated to addressing this issue like you are.
Keep up the great compassionate help.


At 1:21 PM , Blogger E. Tyler Rowan said…

This is so true, Sheila. I appreciate your frankness when it comes to these "touchy" topics. Pat and I really enjoyed your & Keith's sesssion on sex at A Weekend to Remember for that very reason - you're just so honest! Thank you.


At 1:34 PM , Blogger Elspeth said…

Hey Sheila, great post!!! I can't think of a thing I'd add to it by way of comments. But...

I'm having trouble linking up for some reason. Just wanted to let you know that I do have a Wifey Wednesday post up.


At 7:04 PM , Blogger Mel said…

That is a great reminder! I think we too often allow ourselves to talk our own bodies out of sex before we've really given it any good thought. This is such a touchy subject because honestly, my husband does not want to hear that sex is "blah" sometimes. So I'm glad to see someone else talk about it so openly. You're right, the more we do it the more we want it. The body reacts much faster to the idea of it.

Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God


At 10:38 PM , Blogger J said…

I love your insights into the idea of maintenance in marriage. I enjoy sex a lot, and I still find it blah sometimes. I laughed aloud at your admission of that!

We wives need to remember that our husbands aren't always thrilled when we approach them with, "Can we chat?" But if they would show up and pay attention, they might get something out of it, right? They might even find out that we are witty and entertaining companions!

Likewise, if we approach the bedroom the way we want our guys to approach conversation (show up and pay attention), we might find ourselves happily entertained as well!

If not happily entertained, at least maintained. And I agree that your libido (and confidence) can rise with regular interaction. Your husband's appreciation for his wife typically rises as well.

Thanks again for your amazing, insightful blog!


At 11:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said…

But what do you do when it's the opposite. What if it's he that never wants to have sex?

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About Me

Name: Sheila

Home: Belleville, Ontario, Canada

About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.

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