It's Wednesday, which means it's time to talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all comment, or, if you have a blog, you write your own Wifey Wednesday post and come back here and enter the link in the Linky thing below.
So today I want to talk problems. Where do you go when you have problems?
Last Friday I was talking to a good friend of mine whose marriage has broken up. Her husband was involved in a lot of bad things, and finally she got the strength to kick him out. It's been a difficult road for her for over a decade, and for most of that she felt very alone. She couldn't tell anyone, because she wanted to be a good Christian wife. She wanted the church to still accept her. And he wouldn't have wanted her to talk about it.
I told her that sometimes I get frustrated because it seems that we aren't honest about our marriages. I know there are people reading this who are really hurting, but so often the comments on this and other blogs are from people whose marriages are great. Now, please, if your marriage is great, that doesn't mean that I don't want you to comment! And I'm so HAPPY that your marriage is wonderful! But where does one go if one's marriage isn't? Where does one go if one's really feeling desperate, and alone, and frustrated?
Maybe it's only in one area of your marriage. Maybe everything is great but sex (I've been there). Maybe it's going well, but your husband won't talk about money and won't let you in on the financial decisions. Maybe you love him, but you wish he would spend more time with the kids. What do you do?
Now please, don't go looking for the one area where things are bad, because it doesn't actually help to start trying to figure out what you're upset about, especially if you're not that upset at the moment. If you're pretty happy, but you start thinking about what you COULD be upset about, chances are you'll be upset pretty soon. I'm talking about those who are chronically frustrated and alone about some aspect of their marriage, and if you have to think about it, you're fine. If you really felt that way, you'd know it.
So where do you go? This weekend my husband and I are speaking at a marriage conference in Barrie, Ontario, at the Horseshoe Valley Resort. I'm so looking forward to it! There are always couples there for whom the conference is their last chance, and it is exciting when breakthroughs are made. Marriage conferences can be a great place to go for some help.
What about mentors? If you can find one person who has a good marriage who is a little bit older than you, she may be able to help. But it means being honest. We had a couple over for dinner once whom we knew were having problems. We told them about our struggles early in our marriage. We opened up. But they never reciprocated. Five years later, they're divorced. You can't get help if you don't talk.
Or what about reading some good books? Sometimes a new perspective can help you.
So I really want to know. Where do you go when you have issues in your marriage? What do you do about it? How do you eventually overcome them? It seems to me that the reason marriages break up is because people don't do anything with their frustration and loneliness while they still can, and then things become intolerable. So before they're intolerable, what do you do? Tell me in the comments!
And if you have your own blog, won't you write a Wifey Wednesday post? You can talk about this topic, or you can just offer any piece of marriage advice that you have. Or ask a question from the rest of us! Let's get the discussion going, so we all don't feel so alone.
I am so glad you brought this topic up! It is so important that we don't wait to get help for our marriages until there are major problems. Going to write my post now =)
I've found help in talking to other wives who are dealing with or have dealt with similar issues. Even without going around shouting my problems to the rooftop, I find you can recognize wives whose husbands are into porn, or are addicted to gaming, or who won't step up and so they leave their wife supporting and running the household.
My husband and I also started counseling again this last week and I'm feeling REALLY good about it. We found a counselor who understood our situation right away and I think it will help.
My marriage went through an overhaul 2 years ago. I thought we had the "perfect" marriage, but life still felt tense and I never understood why. Then the bombshell hit....pornography was taking over my husband's life and after 10 years of marriage was telling for the first time. It was devastating. I felt even more alone than ever and my dreams were smashed. I'm thankful to say that God is the God of healing and redemption. I have a new perspective and passion on how God can change and heal lives. He did it for both my husband and I. We have been going to Celebrate Recovery and counseling for each of us and God is faithful as we have given Him all parts of our lives, He has responded with love and healing. There is hope in the loneliness....find people or groups like celebrate Recovery to find avenues to freedom and healing.
i started a young married women's bible study shortly after getting married which was basically just a group of newly married young women where no topic was off limits and we tried to keep a biblical perspective on our marriages. the group disbanded after several girls moved away but i still meet w/one of the ladies pretty much every week just to have honest discussions about where we are. it can be hard for me to step out of the "leader" roll and be truly vulnerable and accept advice/criticism, but it is essential for me!
This is such a good question. I don't know where to go or who to open to and I have always had trouble asking people for help. I wish there were more people in the church who would come along side of you and offer to mentor you. I think that would so beneficial! Jessica mariposa5280@yahoo.com
Kind of late linking up for me but I just came back from a ladies retreat. Catching up on blog reading and the like today but hope to get some much needed rest. Planning and executing this retreat was quite a bit of work for the Senior Pastor's wife and I.
Greetings!~My mom has been my greatest example!~~Now that I've been married for almost 18 years I can look back and see how my mom clung to the Cross and became a real student of the Word! She had no friends, no resources, but she did have her Bible and she read, read, read and God changed her.~Psalm 119:71~It was good for me that I was afflicted that I might know your statues." I've been blessed w/good friends and good books. Some of my recommendations would include: Sacred Marriage: What if your marriage wasn't designed to make you happy but holy!~~Gary Thomas Marriage/Family books by Nancy Wilson blogs:~Femina~Nancy Wilson Girltalk~Carolyn Mahaney Each of these sites deal w/specific circumstances in marriage but always pointing to the Cross of Christ~~Which is our Hope! "God restores the years the locusts have eaten"
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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I am so glad you brought this topic up! It is so important that we don't wait to get help for our marriages until there are major problems. Going to write my post now =)