Welcome to Wifey Wednesday, where we talk marriage here, and then you go and write on your own blog your marriage thoughts and link back here.
I had an interesting weekend last weekend speaking. I did four plenary sessions, but then a breakout workshop on "Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight"--or how to increase your libido. Before I could do the workshop, though, a number of women came up to me saying they have the opposite problem--he's the one with the headache. What should they do?
So I tossed my notes and did a workshop that was half and half, and I think it went quite well. I recorded it, and I'll put the recording up at my store soon.
But in that workshop, one woman asked a question which I think, if we're honest, has occurred to many of us women. What do you do when your husband fails to keep his body attractive? What do you do when he's gained 75 pounds? 100 pounds? When he won't take care of himself? How do you stay attracted when he's just not that nice to look at?
It's a tough question, and I think a lot of women are dealing with it. After all, not to get too graphic, but there's the simple issue of how heavy he is. You want to be able to breathe, after all! You can be more creative in terms of HOW you may make love, but it still can be worrying. So here are some broad thoughts, and I'd love for you to add your own!
1. Let's remember that sex is more than just the physical. It's the union between the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of our lives. Our society tends to glorify the physical over everything else, and so the intimacy that we can feel just from being close to someone we love is underrated. If the physical isn't 100%, maybe the companionship really is. So focus on being intimate. Take walks together. Do things together. Laugh together. Play together. The more you spend time in each other's company, cherishing each other, the more you will want to express that physically.
And then just stress the companionship during making love. Look into his eyes. Tell him you love him. Let's stop the idea that everybody needs to have killer abs in order to be sexy. Most people, after all, don't! So see if you can make him feel good, and then take the initiative to show him what you like. Even if he isn't a perfect 10, he can be a good lover with your guidance!
Remember, too, what you love about him. What is sweet about him? What makes him a great husband? Repeat these things over and over to yourself, so that you're concentrating on his assets, rather than his paunch. After all, wouldn't you rather have him, even with the extra weight, than not have him at all?
2. Now let's get back to the issue of what he looks like. You're the woman. Chances are you control what food comes into the house. So start cooking well. Get rid of all high fat foods. Invest in more vegggies. Make salads for every meal. He may not like it, but if you're going to cook, cook what is healthy. Don't buy cookies and white bread. Steer clear of too much high fat cheese. Keep good stuff in the house, and he may start to lose weight.
3. Exercise together. Suggest that you go for a walk every evening after dinner. Get rid of the television, or move it to a place where it's not central in the house. Take up cross country skiing, or bowling, or ballroom dancing. Do something where you can have fun together where you're not just sitting around on a couch. It's hard to stay active today. It means that we have to get committed to stepping outside our comfort zones. Of course it's easier to sit on our butts, especially in the winter. But you've got to do it for everyone's health. And as the woman, chances are you control the focus of the household more than he does, so use that influence to your advantage!
Men who are married live, on average, about eight years longer than men who are not because their wives take care of them. So start taking care of your husband! He may still be overweight, but you can help. And the more active he is, the better shape he will eventually be in.
Do you have any great tips for the woman who asked this question? I think she's probably reading this blog today, since I directed her here. So what would you say? Have you had a similar problem? Or do you want to talk about something else in marriage? Feel free! Just leave your link in the box below. And don't forget to comment!
Great advice Sheila! I don''t have a marriage post up but I did have a little advice. I would suggest couple's counseling. I know a lot of people cringe at the idea of counseling, but think of it and present it as a marriage tune-up, a way to get to know one another better.
Being very overweight often has something to do with an emotional disconnect. Something may be bothering him, it may even be something subconscious. Or it could be something like not knowing how to deal constructively with stress at work.
Whatever it is, counseling could help him get to the bottom of it, deal with it and desire to treat himself better. And it may help you better understand him. Once you're both on the same wavelength, the weight might not matter quite so much because of the mutual respect & self respect. Good Luck!
Advice: Read my post for my full thoughts (http://theshadesofpink.blogspot.com/2009/10/wifey-wednesday_28.html) but basically it comes to this: Turn your eyes toward your husband, your heart will follow.
Sheila, I generally do a Wifey Wednesday post - but since my man now reads my blog, I'll not post on this topic. I have no issues with body - he's great. My issue is that my main love language is physical touch and the intimacy that goes with it...so when it's been too long, I FEEL IT. Oh, this is too long for a comment and too personal to blog about...Just pray for me.
What you said about hte cooking is true...my husband is way too lazy to cook for himself so when I was on my pre wedding diet so was he...he didn't have much of a choice b/c unless he wanted to cook for himself or get take out, it was my food on the table...now if I could only get back on that diet we'd be set! lol
I can't give much advice since my husband is conscious of staying fit and healthy. BUT he also motivates me- he looks good, therefore I want to look good for him. So perhaps (if you don't do this already) get yourself in shape- it might spark an interest in him.
My hubby & I have gained weight since we got married, and we both agreed to join Weight Watchers together. He tends to be gung ho - which will help motivate me, and both of us knowing the RIGHT WAY to eat will help. Doing it together also provides a healthy sense of competition for us, and we look forward to getting healthier together.
Thx so much for covering this... something I really need to work on for myself. As for my DH's weight; its gettin more & more - but it really never bothered me until recently when he started picking on my weight more & more. I've always been about the inside & how you verbally treat me. While as my DH has been both; but lately more so on the physical appearance of me. I guess I'd say - I didn't realize until now; that maybe I let myself go, because he let himself go?? Nahhhh... just making excuses here - I think I let myself go first; being at home, not having to go out into public so I didn't "do up" myself. So your right - my not taking care of myself, allowed my hubby to do the same. I won't do a detailed write up on my blog; as I'm sure it wouldn't be uplifting as we're called to be... but I will be sure to direct others here - b/c its something we all need to consider. Hugs, HL
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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Great advice Sheila! I don''t have a marriage post up but I did have a little advice. I would suggest couple's counseling. I know a lot of people cringe at the idea of counseling, but think of it and present it as a marriage tune-up, a way to get to know one another better.
Being very overweight often has something to do with an emotional disconnect. Something may be bothering him, it may even be something subconscious. Or it could be something like not knowing how to deal constructively with stress at work.
Whatever it is, counseling could help him get to the bottom of it, deal with it and desire to treat himself better. And it may help you better understand him. Once you're both on the same wavelength, the weight might not matter quite so much because of the mutual respect & self respect. Good Luck!