Amid all the hoopla about what the appropriate sex education curriculum is, we have missed the obvious. And so I present you with another way of looking at the issue:
It's simple. It's easy. And it's just clever enough to work! Spread the word: Pants! They do wonders. If you keep them on.
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
Did you follow The Plan? You know the one; our parents drilled it into us. Get an education, get a job, get married, have a baby. And do it in that order! No marriage before a diploma, no babies before a job, but most of all, no babies before marriage.
According to a new Time/Pew study, 39% of us are giving up on the Plan because we think marriage is superfluous. Yet statisticians will tell us that The Plan makes sense. Those who follow it are far more likely to escape poverty, be personally happy, and raise kids who are well-adjusted. But here’s the even bigger kicker: they’re far less likely to get divorced.
Why does this happen? Kay Hymowitz, author of The Marriage Gap, has found that while divorce rates may be high today, they tend to be high for a certain subset of the population: those who didn’t follow The Plan. Those who wait until they’re married to have children, and those who get their education first, tend to make it a priority to stay married.
At face value, this seems counterintuitive. It’s the educated women, after all, who don’t need a husband to support a child; they can afford to raise one on their own. Yet these women are waiting for marriage to have children, while other women don’t tend to in the same numbers. And when the latter group does marry, those marriages tend to be more fragile.
Essentially, Hymowitz argues, we are dealing with two different cultures: those that still believe in The Plan our grandmothers would have recognized, and those who think it’s archaic. Those who accept The Plan tend to be careful sexually, because the thing that would most upset their goals would be to get pregnant without being married.
On the other hand, if marriage really is considered superfluous, then the order in which you do things suddenly doesn’t matter. If you’re not waiting for the right spouse, but instead you’re more interested in finding a guy now, then you may enter into relationships which aren’t stable or healthy, and you’re more likely to end up pregnant. And this can easily derail many educational plans—and even romantic plans.
Sociologist Charles Murray crunched the numbers, and found that among American university educated women in families making more than $100,000 a year, the rate of illegitimacy was only about 2%. They’re still living in Leave it to Beaver days. Go down to the working class, who have a high school education but earn less than $60,000 a year in family income, and the illegitimacy rate is up to 10%. But among the underclass, who never graduated high school? It’s 45%. And that’s not because those girls got dropped out because they were pregnant; most of those pregnancies happened long after they left school. And since single parenthood is one of the highest indicators for childhood poverty and abuse, that’s a problem.
Not only this, but if choices around marriage and parenting really are primarily cultural ones, then these mini-cultures are likely to be replicated. People who believe in The Plan—even if they themselves made mistakes in the past—will raise kids who follow it. People who don’t believe in it will raise kids who likely won’t follow it. And it will be increasingly difficult to cross over into these two groups. Rising out of poverty, then, is not just an educational issue; it’s also a cultural one.
Our schools preach that students should get an education, but maybe they need to start talking about marriage, too. Wait until you’re married to have kids, and you are dramatically less likely to end up poor, more likely to be in stable marriages, and more likely to be happy in the long run. We need to get back to The Plan. Marriage is good for you. It’s good for your kids. Let’s stop pretending it doesn’t matter, and maybe we’d be the land of opportunity once again.
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I have a variety of family members and friends who just went through the "Grade 8 Graduation" rite of passage. It seems like that grad is getting almost as big as high school grad, at least if you take the thought that goes into the dresses into account.
I agree that it's fun to celebrate kids' milestones, but I would do it quite differently. Here, for example, is how we threw a blessing party for my oldest when she turned 13, and is pretty much exactly what we'll do for my youngest this summer.
But what they do at grade 8 grad doesn't celebrate these kids' talents and potential and gifts, but instead forces them into grown-up situations for which they are probably not prepared.
When I was in grade 7 & 8 I loved going to school dances. I had crushes on different boys, and the thought that I may actually get to dance with them was so exciting! But just because I enjoyed it as a kid doesn't mean it was right. I would have done far better not going and not getting so caught up in them. It was after one of those dances that I had my first "boyfriend", and that was a big disaster. Why bother when you're 13?
I don't blame the kids for wanting to go. In a way I don't even blame the parents, although more should be smarter and just say no. I blame the schools. As a parent, it is hard to tell your child they can't go to a dance when it is the social event of the year and everyone is going to it. Of course, just because it's hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but I do sympathize with parents in that situation.
What I can't figure out is why schools insist on perpetuating this charade--that 12-14-year-olds are old enough to "couple off". Because that's what dances are for--they encourage coupling off. I know some of my 13-year-old friends who went to dances last week for grad who have now announced on Facebook that they are "going out". And they're going to movies, and they're hanging out together, and they're thinking of themselves as a couple. And 13 is too young for that.
Why force kids to think romantic when they would be more than happy being friends at that age? Why don't schools encourage kids to do fun things in groups, rather than allowing them to pretend they're grown up when they're not? Dating at 14 does few people any good, and does lots serious harm. The earlier you begin dating the earlier sexual activity is likely to start, even if it doesn't start with that relationship. You think of yourself as needing another half, and the longer you date, the more likely that you are going to take that relationship a step farther, because what else is there to do? It's not like you can get married or move in together at 15.
I'm not saying that everyone who dates at 13 is going to become pregnant at 15. Of course not. But it certainly makes it more likely, and given our school board is desperate to decrease teenage pregnancy, you'd think they'd figure out that encouraging young kids to date is stupid.
But that's not the only harm. There's also harm because kids are just not allowed to be kids anymore. They start wanting to grow up and wanting to do adult things, even though they are not emotionally adults yet. But they think of themselves that way, and they lose out on the fun that can come from being simply 13.
Am I being a fuddy duddy? I don't mean to be. I know a lot of the pressure for grade 8 dances comes from the kids themselves, who would rebel if the dances were called off. But I don't see why you couldn't do something really fun instead--a field trip to an amusement park, or a camping trip, or something other than a dance. And just because kids would complain doesn't mean that we're not right. We, after all, are the adults. They are not. And we should stop encouraging them to think that they are.
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. This week's has to do with a current event happening particularly in Ontario, but the rest of you will still relate. It's something all of us deal with--and get frustrated by. School sex ed.
I love the Ontario Catholic School Boards. We all owe them a debt of gratitude, whether we’re Catholic or not. They took one look at Dalton McGuinty’s new “let’s teach sex explicitly in grade 7” curriculum, and they said, “no way, no how”. And they forced McGuinty to stand down.
Recently a grade 7 student from a Belleville school shared with my grade 7 daughter about how she was “scarred for life” following her sex ed class. The teacher had whipped out rather anatomically specific plastic models, and then had passed them around this co-ed class, encouraging them to touch and to affix various rubber devices to “appropriate” places. She then demonstrated how the pieces fit together for heterosexual sex and for homosexual sex, and mentioned other things that couples enjoy doing together.
My little friend whined to my daughter furtively, “why did I have to know all that? It was so embarrassing! And I had to pass everything to the boy sitting behind me!”
When you’re a 12-year-old female, who still has Polly Pockets in her room, you really don’t want to be passing a plastic model of male anatomy in various states of arousal to a boy in your class with whom you have to do math homework. But after countless meetings in government buildings, bureaucrats decided that coed sex ed would break down that pesky modesty that kids naturally have, so that when 13-year-olds start groping each other, one of them may get the courage up to suggest a condom.
Turns out this experiment isn’t working very well in my little friend’s school. It has one of the highest pregnancy rates in the city, even among 13-year-olds. After hearing about their sex ed class, I could have predicted that already. By introducing sex so graphically at 12 and 13, you give the implicit mesage that “this is what kids do.” Perhaps we should instead be saying, “this is what kids should NOT do.” You’re not old enough. You’re not mature enough. So just say no. We tell students to say no to drugs; why can’t we say the same thing to teens about sex?
Before you all say “they’re just going to do it anyway”, back up the truck. More than half of 16-year-olds are not having sex, so abstinence is hardly impossible. And more and more studies are showing that abstinence education works. The American Medical Association published a study in February in its Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine that discovered that sex education classes that teach safe sex, and comprehensive sex education classes that teach safe sex but also teach abstinence, don’t affect teenage pregnancy or STD rates at all, unless it’s to make them go up. In contrast, abstinence education alone statistically delayed the onset of sexual activity. In the first large-scale, fully randomized study, abstinence education won. Plastic models with condoms lost. Are you listening, Mr. McGuinty?
And yet, as easy as it is to blame Mr. McGuinty, the real fault lies with us as parents. If we were doing our job and talking to our kids frankly, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Do you know the best way to reduce the teenage pregnancy rate? It’s not with sex ed classes. It’s not even with abstinence classes. It’s to eat together as a family, at least 4 times a week. Teens who eat dinner with their parents rarely become sexually active. They meet their emotional needs in the family, they feel secure, and they adopt their family’s values. Families that are too busy to talk to their teens, though, may suddenly find themselves with teens in crisis.
So thank you, Catholic School board, for standing up to the Premier. Thank you, Mr. McGuinty, for listening. Now for the rest of you, go cook dinner for your kids. At least that won’t leave them scarred for life.
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Earlier this week I posted on a girl I knew who has just become pregnant--and it doesn't look entirely like an accident.
Some of the comments I had were really interesting, so I thought I'd repost them here.
First, from Facebook:
Sherry noted that the reason many teens get pregnant is because they have sex--not necessarily because they try. Good point.
Mollie said "Don't even get me started". Mollie's pretty funny when she gets started, so I wish she could have revved the engine a little! But we'll let that one go.
and from this blog:
One Anonymous reader said:
Excellent post, Sheila. I have to say that my experience as the daughter of teenage parents was totally affected by the reality that they were children raising a child. Did they love me? Absolutely! Did they do their best? Certainly! Am I a productive member of society? Sure. But, the truth is, I didn't have a firm foundation and, while my choices are all my very own responsibility, I can see how their own insecurities and immaturity had a profound impact on every aspect of my life.
My parents celebrated their 39th anniversary in April, I'll be 39 in October. It's a beautiful testimony of God's grace ... but there are many, many moments of heartache, hurt, and pain ... which could have been avoided by a decision NOT to have sex.
I love my parents and I am thankful that they have worked so hard to make their marriage work ... they did the best they could, I believe that wholeheartedly. But, it wasn't easy ... and it still isn't sometimes.
The question we need to be asking isn't, "Can I parent this child?" It is, "Should I?" I often tell the young women I counsel at our local crisis pregnancy center that the decision what to do after you're pregnant MUST be based on what is in the child's best interest. The time of doing what feels good to you or makes you happy has passed ... parenting is about putting the best interest of our children ahead of our own wishes, dreams, insecurities, desires, longings, and hopes.
Good points. We can make the best of a situation, and actually do quite well at it, but it doesn't mean that situation was good to begin with.
Chele said:
Oh wow Sheila. That hits home to me. I could write a book on it. I must say that I've been there. 14 yrs ago I found out I was pregnant a month before I graduated high school. I married that man and a lot happened since then. I should share it all with you but I've already shared some of this on my own blog. I can say though, I NEVER thought I would be without their father. He promised me the world and he failed... to the point he gave up rights for his own children. Okay I feel so strongly about this and must stop or you'll have a whole other post (or series) in your comments. So hits home... I will pray for this young girl and her unborn baby.
I'm so sorry that your child's dad left! I will never understand how so many parents walk out on their children, but it's very common, and I'm afraid it will happen to my little friend.
Homegrown Mom gave a different perspective:
I'd just like to point out that sure, she may be "over the top happy" about it, but you never know what she has gone through personally to get to that point.
I discovered I was pregnant at 18 and instantly decided I would do what was right for the baby and love her from the get-go. I never would have wanted to walk around with my head hung in shame and act like it was a big disappointment, even if it would have made my church family feel better about "the situation."
I decided to celebrate this new life and if someone figured I'd planned it all because I was so happy, then they would have been wrong.
As for having a fever, puking all over, and getting up to care for my baby, yep I sure did. I know it's hard to imagine but what we all need to remember is GOD does NOT make mistakes!
Girls in other cultures have babies at a far younger age and are quite good moms. Not that I am recommending that teenagers go out and get pregnant! I'm just saying that you never know the whole story and unless you're her mama, you should probably just focus on loving her and thank God she is showing a sense of enthusiasm about bringing a new life into the world.
I understand what you're saying about girls who TRY to get pregnant, but please don't assume that just because someone has come to terms with it and chooses to look at the bright side has indeed planned it.
But I'm going to give the last word to Melissa, who made a really good point:
I became pregnant with my (almost) 14 year old when I was 16 and by the time I was 18 I had two little boys 15 months apart. While I understand everything you said, working with teen moms on an almost daily basis and knowing the struggles they face from personal experience, what teen moms need from their church family and friends is unconditional love and support. I was saved, found Jesus with clothes on, through a teen mom support group, which is why I am so devoted to sharing the love of Christ with girls that have made mistakes. Sin is sin. Thankfully we serve a Romans 8:28 God and He has a plan to turn that girl's mistake into a success story for His glory.
What's done is done. And now I shall focus on how to help this girl find Christ in the midst of this, since only He can see her through, anyway! If anyone has any ideas of what we can do to better integrate teen moms into our churches, and to help those girls who already have self-esteem/rejection issues NOT get pregnant in the first place, let me know!
Had an amazing weekend speaking at a marriage conference in Ottawa! Met all kinds of great couples, shared our difficulties, and tried to point them to how God can empower them to make their marriages better.
One of the hardest questions I get at marriage conferences, though--and I get quite a few of them--have to do with step-children. What do you do when you have joint custody with someone who hates you? What do you do when the other parent constantly harrasses you, takes you to court, and poisons the children against you?
The non-biological step-parent is in a truly difficult situation then, because you'd rather just concentrate on your own biological kids, and make a great home for them, but these step-children keep popping in and out. If you could have them full-time, that would be okay. But the disruption, the fighting, the stress is too much.
I was thinking about all of these issues when news hit that a dear girl that I know, in her late teens, is now pregnant. It sounds a little bit like it was not quite planned, but not quite an accident, either. She's on top of the world about it.
I have known many girls in their late teens or early twenties who have suddenly "found" themselves pregnant, and their glee is evident to all. They want this baby. Frequently they grew up in horrible families, and they so want someone to love who will love them back. They want to be the centre of someone's world. They want a chance to start over, to truly have their own life, and what better way than to start a family?
I don't know who the father is in this case, and I don't know what will happen with my particular friend. But I do know statistics. And the vast majority of these relationships do not last. That doesn't mean, however, that you are finished with the man who fathered your baby. On the contrary, like these couples I spoke to at the conference, this 'other parent' can be a constant presence in your life for the next 18 years--and beyond. You'll need to get child support (since most of these girls have no way of supporting themselves or their children). They may want visitation. And, as does occasionally happen, these men may grow up over the next five or six years, meet a stable woman, get married, and then decide that they should try for joint custody. You may suddenly find yourself having to give up your child frequently so that they can go see their dad. And you have no say over it.
Starting a family when there is no stability is one of the worst things you can do for your emotional future and your child's emotional future. It makes any education to better yourself so much harder. It makes finding a mate so much harder. It makes work harder. And you put your schedule, your bank account, your access to the child in the hands of the courts, for in all likelihood, you will be fighting over this for the foreseeable future. It seems so easy when it's just a pink line on a pregnancy test, but it doesn't stay that way.
Perhaps my friend won't have these problems, because the guy will bail and walk out and never make any demands. That may make her life easier, but it's not necessarily the best for the baby. A child needs his or her father. Dads are important to our development of sexual identity, self-esteem, and our ability to make good decisions (or even to make decisions at all). To decide to have a child who in all likelihood will never be close to his or her father is not fair to the child. Girls at that age have this magical thinking that they will be able to love the child enough that it will never want its father. They picture themselves in a world of two, where it's just them and the baby and everything's perfect. Then, as the years go by and the child wants to spread his or her wings, or wants to know his or her father, the girl can experience this as rejection. Whenever we have a child to fill a hole in our own lives, we bring a child into the world for the wrong reasons. We put too much on the shoulders of that child, and ask them to play a role God never intended for them to play.
Please understand me: I am glad that she is keeping the baby and not aborting it. As part of her Christian family, I will try to support her in whatever way I can. But that doesn't stop me from being sad that she has made the choice to have a baby in the first place, before she is emotionally, psychologically, relationally, or financially ready. It takes more than love and devotion to raise a child.
Perhaps she will mature, and be a marvelous mother. I will pray for that. But it will not make up for the lack of a stable father in this child's life. Through God's grace the child can still grow, and succeed, and come to know Him, but it is hard to start life with so many strikes against you. It is as if the mom is almost recreating the unstable situation that she was born into and that she so very much wanted to escape. Instead of waiting to mature and marry and find a healthy way to leave her biological family, she has taken the more common, and what appears the easier, way out.
Yet ultimately it is not easier. Motherhood is so hard. I remember carrying Katie, my youngest, around the living room as she screamed, red and rigid, with colic for about two months. I remember not sleeping for around a year because Katie never needed sleep. I remember having a fever of 103 and puking all over the place, and having to pull myself out of bed anyway to look after two children. I know I could not have done this had I been 18 and alone when I had the kids. I just couldn't.
And so I will pray that God will show me ways to help this girl. And I will pray that no other lonely girls in our community will do the same thing.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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