Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of papers around Ontario. Here's this week's, on siblings, based on a blog post from earlier!
When we point to the factors that have shaped our personalities, we usually focus on our parents. They’re the ones who blessed us, messed us up irretrievably, or gave us our tempers. And yet, as I watch my own girls interact with one another, I wonder how much of the people that we become is ultimately shaped not by those who gave birth to us, but by those who grew up with us.
My daughters recently forced me to watch a clip from America’s Funniest Home Videos where the world ends for a 3-year-old boy. His mother, who is filming the moment for posterity, announces to this tyke and his 5-year-old sister that the baby in her tummy is a girl! The little boy bursts into tears, declaring vehemently that he will never “pway wif any girl baby in Mommy’s tummy.” He wanted it to be a boy, you see.
We laugh at his antics, because we know that he will eventually love his little sister. And yet I can’t help feeling a little sympathy for the poor soul. As much as he will adore his new sibling, a brother would have set his life on a very different trajectory. Children play with same-sex siblings in a different way than they do opposite-sex ones. That is not to say that opposite sex siblings can’t love each other; only that there is a special bond with same sex siblings, which affects how you experience life in those early years.
When my husband Keith was 3, he pulled out his baby brother Kurt’s hair. Kurt, in turn, used to beat up on little Kevin, who often punched little Kris. And yet all four stood side by side, an unbreakable line of silence, never ratting on each other with Mom and Dad. They stood together against the world.
That’s one of the benefits of having siblings: you have allies when the outside world threatens you. Laurie Kramer, Professor of Family Studies at the University of Illinois, has found that children deal with stress much better when they have a sibling walking through it with them. And siblings also provide good practice for social situations. Through siblings we learn how to resolve conflicts, share, and compromise, lessons I sorely lacked as an only child, much to the detriment of my poor husband.
Now that we are parents ourselves, we’ve tried to foster friendship, rather than competition, among our two girls. Of course, siblings do not automatically get along, and Kramer has also found that poor sibling relationships can lead to low self-esteem and even mental health issues. And yet I desperately want my own children to be friends, because there is something unique and special about sharing one’s childhood with another.
Whenever my children squabble, I remind them, “Rebecca, Katie is the best friend you will ever have!” I still remember the September day in 1986 when nurses wheeled my mother in for breast cancer surgery. Flanking her were her two sisters, one of whom had flown six hours to be there. My mother had plenty of friends whom she saw frequently. But it was her sisters whom she wanted with her in the bleak moments of her life.
That three year-old instinctively understood something we don’t. One’s siblings matter profoundly. This Christmas, many of us will sit with siblings around the turkey table, reminiscing about games and troubles and antics and foibles. Perhaps those relationships aren’t as close as we’d like them to be. Perhaps other friends have eclipsed our siblings in importance over the years. And yet no one else shares the childhood memories you have. No one else has walked through all your trials alongside you. This year, say a special thank you for your brothers and sisters. Those of you who have them are blessed indeed.
Don't miss a Reality Check! Sign up here to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!
I'm just recovering from a weekend long craft show at my house. We were raising money for the children's home in Kenya where we're heading in March by selling Kenyan jewelry, coffee and tea, and lots of carvings and soapstone.
It went really well and I'm thrilled! A little tired, but I feel like I accomplished something.
But now it's Monday and life must begin again. I'm running a little late this morning; I was catching up on email and blogs that I've neglected over the weekend, and now I'm done. But I do need to get moving!
Before I hit the Wii Fit to exercise I thought I'd pose a question to you all: what impact do you think siblings have on us? I think this will be a two-part post, since I have a lot to say on the subject, but as an only child I've always thought a lot about siblings.
I would have liked to have had some, but my father left my mother when I was still really young, so that didn't happen. Instead I grew up alone. I was very close to my cousins, who were also girls, but cousins, as much as you love them, are different from sisters and brothers. I didn't believe that then, but I do now as I watch my own girls grow up with each other.
Rebecca, my oldest, made me watch the funniest video from America's Funniest Home Videos on YouTube the other day. In it, a mom announces to her about 5-year-old daughter and about 3-year-old son that the baby she's carrying is a girl. The boy is devastated, and declares that he will never "pway wif the baby in Mommy's tummy that's a girl." Then he throws himself on the floor and starts howling.
We laugh at it, but honestly, for that child it probably was a tragedy. I'm sure he will love his sister, and his sister will love him, but if it had been a boy, he would have had his best friend for life.
Having siblings that are the same gender is special, I think. When I was pregnant with Rebecca we didn't find out the sex, because we wanted to be surprised. With Katie we did, because we had just had our son who had died, and I so wanted another boy. I didn't want to be disappointed at the birth, so I thought if it were a girl, I wanted to know ahead of time so I could deal with it, put it behind me, and welcome her properly when the time came. And I did.
But looking back, I realize that having a girl was absolutely the best thing. I can't picture anything different. My two girls really are close friends, and they do things together that they couldn't do with a brother.
I am not saying that opposite-gender children can't be friends; I totally believe they can be, and especially as adults, opposite-gender children can often become closer than same-gender children. But as kids, having that same sex sibling is special.
It's strange, but in my family it's all same sex. My mother was one of three girls. My cousins are both girls. My husband is one of four boys. And looking at those families shows me, too, that just because you're the same sex is no guarantee that you will be close friends. Some are, some aren't. So much depends on personality.
But I think it also depends on other factors, like age difference, and parenting. And it's the parenting I want to talk about now. Having a sibling who is a best friend is such a blessing in your life, one that I wish I had. They have followed you through your whole life. They know you as well as anyone else. They will be there for your trials and tribulations, even if you live on opposite sides of the country. I remember when my mother was 42 and was diagnosed with breast cancer. They had her in surgery within 3 days (it was a very large lump). And both her sisters were by her side, even though they lived far away, and one required a very long plane ride. They may only see each other once or twice a year, but when it came down to it, they were there.
Siblings are important. But when they're 4 and 6 and they're bickering, or even worse, when they're 10 and 12 and picking at each other (for that preteen age is often the worst), what do you do? What are your ground rules?
We never allowed our kids to fight. If they did, someone, if not both, landed in trouble. We didn't require that they always play with each other, but we did want them to spend some time together. If the oldest needed a break from the youngest, though, we let her, even if that caused tears for the youngest. When you are encouraging a relationship, it's important to remember that occasional fights do not mean the relationship isn't strong. They're kids, trying to figure out their own identity and form some independence. That means they will naturally squabble. That doesn't mean that we naturally have to put up with it, but don't take it personally and break down if your kids don't get along. It isn't necessarily a reflection of you.
I've also noticed that there are often years when they have gotten along well, followed by a year of frequent squabbles, followed by a year of peace. It has its ebbs and flows. For us, the year after Rebecca had hit puberty but before Katie had were awful. Katie was still a little girl and Becca wasn't. They didn't have as much in common, but Katie couldn't see it, and felt that Becca had betrayed her. Similarly, I remember the year after Becca learned to read as being a difficult one. She had passed a milestone in maturity that Katie hadn't reached yet, and they often bickered then. But with time, such things do pass.
To try to keep them together, even in the rough times, we tended to buy games and toys they could do together, rather than things you do alone (like iPods or TV). We encouraged imagination games. We let them take the pillows off of the couch to make forts (as long as they put them back). We didn't put them in a lot of lessons, so they did have time together to play and get to know each other. When they had friends over, we often invited kids of a variety of ages so they could all play together.
It takes a lot of work, and sometimes it's easier just to separate them, or let them put a TV in their bedrooms so they don't have to hang out with each other. I think, though, that encouraging that friendship is important. Whenever my children fight, I always tell them, "Rebecca is the best friend you will ever have, Katie. Don't ever forget that." And I mean it. And I think, deep down, they believe it, too.
What about you? What are your experiences with siblings? How can you foster friendship among kids who don't necessarily get along? I'd love to hear! Leave a comment!
I am not having a good morning. I've been editing some talks that I gave recently so I can sell them as downloads on my website, so I'm trying to make them as concise as possible and take out the erroneous information that was related just to that conference.
I've finished a bunch of them, and for $6 each you can listen to 45 minute-1 hour talks I've given on parenting, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, romance, and a whole bunch more! Go here to read the descriptions.
But I have just spent an hour editing one talk and then my program closed and I hadn't saved. I hate that. I really hate it. I just wasted an hour of my life.
So I decided to take a break and read some of my recent comments.
On the post I wrote below on hormones, one person said that because they themselves were an only child the kids' fighting bothers her more. I got thinking about that, and I think that's part of my issue.
It was only my mother and I in the house. I didn't have anyone to fight with, and now when the kids show signs of totally normal behaviour I freak out. My husband was the oldest of four boys. They used to punch walls and slam doors to get their aggression out. He likes to say his mother was just happy they weren't slamming each other.
So we do have very different perspectives on this.
And I, too, know that my kids do love each other at heart. They have both lost a brother, and that probably makes the sibling relationship even more precious to both of them. But I guess I never had experience with regular family life, so it's different for me watching it firsthand.
I still don't think I should let them get away with it, but I like the advice to tell them that their emotions shouldn't take control of them; they should take control of their emotions. Yet I'll also remember that siblings bickering a bit isn't the end of the world. I'm just glad that now I have a bigger family and can start to experience all these wonders of family life, even if they do drive me crazy at times!
I really do live in hormone central. I have a 13-year-old daughter and an almost 11-year-old daughter who is physically maturing far too fast. There is so much estrogen around here it's crazy, especially when you add me to the mix.
What it results in, though, is that both girls take offense far too easily. As sisters, they've always taken offense at each other to a certain extent. You know the routine--Katie's being mean to me! She's looking at me funny! She said something mean to me! etc. etc.
But what's happening now is that they're taking offense at the smallest little things. And then they get miserable, and Katie tears up, and Rebecca sneers and tears up, too. And I'm stuck in the middle.
We homeschool, so I really can't have them distracted by bugging each other. And I don't want to spend my whole day with two kids who are teary. It's not exactly fun.
So the other day I tried to have them talk it out. I thought this wouldn't end until they each got their feelings out, and until they each understood where they were wrong. Because part of the problem, naturally, is that I don't understand how hurt they are. So my aim is to help them see how they are hurt out of proportion. If they can understand, I figure, they can get over it.
I tried that on Tuesday and wasn't getting very far. My husband happened to be home, so I went upstairs to get him, thinking if he imparted his wisdom on the girls, they would see the error of their ways.
Instead of coming down and explaining the issues at hand, though, he came down and just ordered one girl to apologize. And that was it. And he was very firm about it. Now I was offended, too! I didn't want them to paper over it; I wanted them to solve it.
So I went back upstairs to have it out with him this time. His response? They don't pull this kind of stunt when they're with him. My problem is I let them have their feelings. He doesn't, and they get along fine. End of story.
And it's true. When they're with him, they don't pick at each other and get all teary. But my girls say that the reason they do it with me is that it all builds up. But he says I just need to be firmer.
I can actually see both sides of the story. But to me this is a heart issue, and needs to be addressed. I know it's hormonal, and I know that it's silly to expect them to be rational, but I think taking offense is a bad thing, and needs to be nipped in the bud.
It's not like Keith and I are actually fighting about this. I don't want to give that impression. I'm just really unsure how to handle this. Maybe he's right, and in a few years they'll be over this hormone madness and then we can have rational discussions with them. But until then, we need to show them who is boss.
But I'm not like that. So I'm confuzzled. What do the rest of you think? Should you just forbid kids from acting all hormonal?
And now something else occurs to me--if kids really are this irrational and crazy, why does the school system treat them like they're old enough to have sex?
Amy at Humble Musings was writing about her kids' pet names, and how these reflect the tone of one's house.
My husband grew up in a very sarcastic house with 4 boys, and for the first couple of years that we were married I thought his brothers didn’t like him. Everything they said sounded so mean to my ears. Now I realize that they all love him. But it didn’t seem that way.
I’ve had to “lighten up” a little bit to fit in with the family, but we still have rules about how you’re not to say anything harsh. And the girls really don’t. They don’t fight that much either. When I am at people’s homes when the kids are growling at each other, it’s really difficult. But the kids pick it up from the parents. We set the tone.
So what is the tone of your house? What did you say to your kids today? So often I find that the only things I say are, "Hurry up! We've got to go!", or "Clean up! Why is this place such a mess!" I'm not encouraging. I'm not blessing anybody.
Yes, our homes need order. Yes, we need to be disciplined. But all of that needs to be in a spirit of love and acceptance. It's a fine balance.
One of the difficulties is if you and your husband don't agree on the tone. You are encouraging; he is critical. Or maybe it's the other way around. I've known many families where one parent bordered or being verbally abusive. That's hard when it's your spouse, because if you try to contradict him, then you undermine his authority.
If you think he is crossing a line, the best thing is to bring a third party in. You could just be over-reacting. But pray about it, talk to him, and ask God to change the tone of your home. You may just be surprised by what happens!
Do you have a problem with the tone of your house? Tell us!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
