I wrote earlier this week about my teenage daughter's insecurity, and it got me thinking a bit about how, as parents, one of our jobs is to steer our children into a healthy sense of identity, based on who they are in God, and who they were made to be.
That's easier said than done, though, for children with certain personality traits. And as some of you commented, many of you have children who are very sensitive. That, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing. It means they are likely more open to the things that touch God's heart, and they're more compassionate. But like many personality traits, it can become a hindrance if it's not steered in a positive direction.
1. Encourage Compassion
So what could you do? First, encourage your child in a positive way to cultivate his or her sensitivity in productive ways. Help her organize a letter writing campaign for child labourers somewhere, or help him collect items for the homeless, or start a penny drive at school to give to African orphans. Help her channel her compassionate nature somewhere positive, so that it's not something you're constantly in conflict with. Praise him for caring about other people's feelings.
2. Teach Truth
But at the same time, teach your child that truth is also important, and if he or she is too sensitive, then he or she is also denying truth. For instance, if she can't tell anyone what she really thinks because she doesn't want to hurt people's feelings, or because she's afraid of being rejected, then she's also denying truth and she's cutting off an important relationship. When we can't share what we think, we're really saying, "I don't want you to know me that well". Tell her that, and then ask her what she wants out of friendships, etc. And show her how to be a good friend.
3. Avoid Passive/Aggressive Behaviour
I'd also be careful that your child's sensitivity isn't really passive/agressive behaviour. Many people claim they're just sensitive when really what they're doing is trying to manipulate people. They become hurt very easily as a way to try to force people to do things that they want to do, or to get all the attention. They won't voice what they want; they'll just make people feel guilty for doing the wrong thing. That's not a healthy dynamic at all. It's one that is often learned in a family environment, though, when children realize that if they act in a certain way, their parents tend to give them what they want. So don't feed into this!
Sometimes when parents exhibit that kind of passive/aggressive dynamic among themselves, kids pick up on it. So if your child is sensitive, really look at how you relate to your spouse. Do you speak the truth, and ask directly for what you want, or do you try to manipulate? And how do you respond to your husband? If you start doing things before you're asked simply because you don't want to feel guilty, then you could be feeding into this dynamic, too.
So give your child a positive outlet for her compassion, but then also make it a policy that you don't do anything in your house without someone making an explicit request. You don't respond to tears or to pouts or to silence; if she wants something, she has to voice it. That way she won't develop into a passive/aggressive person.
The best way to deal with it is to talk openly and set an example of the kind of interactions you want. Speak openly and plainly to your child about what you're feeling and what you expect, and ask him or her to do the same for you. And reward your child with hugs and praise when he or she is open and doesn't just sulk or look scared.
Those are my thoughts on raising sensitive kids. Do any of you have problems with other personality traits? Or experience with this kind of thing? Let me know in the comments, and maybe I'll tackle something else next!
My oldest daughter had horrible temper tantrums when she was 2 and 3. She'd start crying and she'd be unable to stop, even if she wanted to. She wouldn't even remember what she was crying about.
When she was older, and had friends over, if something bad happened she'd start to cry, and the same thing would occur. She'd be unable to stop the sobs, even when she knew she could.
She did grow out of that, but she still has difficulty when she's in a funk getting herself out of a negative spiral. Yesterday we were exhausted, and we'd had a busy weekend, but she had to perform in a piano festival and she really didn't want to. She was grumpy about it, she was angry, she was resentful. But she pulled herself out of it, put on a great performance, and was happy for the rest of the day. She's learning to rise above her feelings.
My daughter does not really have a character issue. She has a personality one, but like most personality issues, there are two sides to it. The reason she has difficulty controlling her emotions is because she does feel deeply. And this can be a positive thing, not just a negative thing. When she makes a decision that she is going to believe something, she does with all her heart. She doesn't do anything halfway.
I think most of the things we battle with inside ourselves have those two sides: one is positive, and one is negative. And what we need to do is learn how to channel the positive side of it, while overcoming the negative tendencies of our own personalities.
Rebecca is really learning this lesson, though I know it's hard for her, and I'm proud.
But I'm also learning it, too. Because I realized that as a parent we need to be a student of our children's personalities. We need to not only react to them, but also be proactive. Decide what it is that you want to teach them. Decide how to bring important life lessons into your everyday life.
For instance, yesterday it actually wasn't that important to me whether or not she played at the piano festival. She's done it for years; I know she can perform well in public, and when she practices she does well. But we had had a bad weekend. However, once she got into that negative spiral I knew I couldn't let her off the hook because this was something she needed to control in herself.
We need to be on the lookout for these life lessons. It may seem cruel to make someone go through something they don't want to, but learning how to control our negative impulses is such an important life lesson. And it's something God lays at parents' feet. The idea that we are to "train up our children in the way they should go" means that we must be a student of our kids. We must figure out the way they should go, and then we must make a path to help them get there.
Being reactive won't cut it. Training is deliberate. If you know that your child needs to work on an area, you need to create opportunities to stretch them, in a loving and patient way. If they're incredibly shy, it's easy to let them hold back and just be with you. But you need to slowly introduce them to safe, small peer groups, even if they don't want to go.
If they're not willing to try new things, you need to slowly introduce them to a new hobby, or new lesson.
You may not have to do these things with every child, because every child is different. Parenting is a different job with each child. But we must take the time, and pray specifically for those roads that we're taking our kids on, so that they can channel their natural personalities in the right direction.
I'm finding it a challenge right now, what with all the hormones in the house. My husband and I are praying more than usual, and he's realizing he needs to take a more proactive role, too. But it is rewarding. We only have a few years left before the kids are gone, and I want to make the most of these years. So I'll be watching, and studying, and nudging, and training, and praying.
If you're the life of the party, you may automatically say you're an extravert. But that's not necessarily true. An introvert is someone who gets energy from being by themselves. They process things internally, and usually don't speak until they've made up their minds about something.
An extravert, on the other hand, processes things by speaking. They need to talk it through. They get their energy from being with other people. So if they have a big decision to make, they call five friends and talk about it. An introvert may call a bunch of friends, too, but only after she's already thought it through.
Now here's where this comes into play in a marriage. If you're an introvert, chances are you need time just to be by yourself in order to stay emotionally healthy. I'm actually an extravert, but barely. I need that time to myself, too.
I've been on vacation for a week with my family, and it's been great. But we're leaving in about five hours and what I really really want to do right now is take a walk on the beach by myself. I haven't been by myself for a week! But the family often interprets that as me being depressed (which I'm not) or me rejecting them (which I'm not). So I have to sit down and explain I just need some thinking and praying time. And I will do that as soon as I've posted this!
But in the meantime, even extraverts may need time to themselves, especially with small children. And if we don't get that time, then when our husbands want us to be available for them we can become quite resentful. They're stealing the only time we have for ourselves! And then they expect us to be there for them! How selfish!
You see how this can become a big problem? He just wants to connect, and there's nothing wrong with that. And you want to connect, too, but you first need some time to replenish your batteries. He experiences that as rejection.
So, ladies, what's the answer? Today on Wifey Wednesday, let's share what we do for ourselves so that we're not exhausted, and we feel rejuvenated.
Personally, I do two things: I knit, and I take baths. I love baths. They give me some thinking and planning time which I desperately need (I often take a piece of paper and pen in the bath with me. They get soggy, but they do the job). And I knit to ground me.
What about you? Do you have any suggestions for us as to how to find time to ourselves? And how important is it? Let's talk about it!
(I'm hoping the Mr. Linky shows up. I'm writing this a day ahead and posting it tomorrow, so hopefully it will. But if it doesn't, just leave your link in the comments! And by next week I'll have the Mr. Linky thing solved!)
According to birth order experts, the first child encapsulates all your hopes and dreams for the future. Because they are the first, your life is totally taken up with them, and they are totally taken up with you. They don't have any older siblings to stare at or to watch, they only watch you.
Thus, they tend to become the overachievers, the ones who want to please the parents. They have strict standards for themselves, and are far more likely to be perfectionists than other kids.
When the second one comes along, though, the parents are looking for something else. They want someone who can meet their emotional needs, instead of their dreams in the long-term. So the second born is a little more carefree. And it makes sense, because as a baby they're not primarily being stimulated by over anxious parents. They're watching a toddler fall all over themselves.
Nothing is set in stone, of course, but this is a pretty good guess as to what your children will be like.
And mine fit it to a T. Rebecca is my overachiever. It's hard to get her to do something if she's afraid she may fail. Right now the homeschoolers are trying to put together a soccer team, and though she loves soccer she doesn't want to play because she doesn't think she'll be good enough. But they need her for the numbers!
My Katie, on the other hand, I have to push to get her to try and do something well. One I have to push to not try so hard; and one I have to push to try at all.
Often Katie's schoolwork is sub par, and I know she could do better, but she rushes through it. And Becca? She tries too hard.
One thing that we're really struggling with Katie with right now is piano. She can play by ear, so we have her taking lessons to learn to play by chord sheet. But she's also taking the traditional lessons, and she hates counting. Just hates it. She cries when we make her count, and she whispers it, and I just can't understand it. Can someone have a learning disability about counting? Someone who is three grade levels ahead in math? Does that make any sense?
I hate the fact that we always butt heads over piano, and I always lose my cool. But she drives me nuts sometimes. She's my cuddly baby, and she's the one that in some ways is my emotionally close one, but Rebecca is closest to my personality. Rebecca is more the one that I understand, because I am a firstborn, and my husband is a firstborn, and my mother is a firstborn, and my father is a firstborn, and Keith's father is a firstborn, and Keith's mother was the last girl followed by a string of boys that she had to raise, so she has firstborn tendencies. And then there's little Katie that none of us can figure out.
It's not her fault. And I do love her dearly. I just don't know how to motivate her because we are so different. So that is my main topic of prayer this week: how to mother her better. I don't think I'm doing a good job when it comes to motivating her for piano or schoolwork because I can't figure her out. So if you could say a prayer for me, and leave a comment, that would be great!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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