Sometimes I think the job of blogs is not to inform people of new things, but to give you a kick in the pants about stuff you already know, but haven't put into practice.
Isn't that the case with most things in life? We know what we should be doing, but we don't want to do it. So we try to figure out excuses to get around it, until someone shows us an easier way of doing what we should be doing in the first place. So to speak.
I woke up this morning with a headache. I hate waking up with headaches because I usually have them all day. And so this morning, I've been asking myself, what should I have been doing that I haven't been doing to make my life less stressful and make me sleep better?
And every now and then I come across lists on the internet that encapsulate a lot of our wisdom. Here's a good one on 25 Ways to Make Sure You Enjoy Life! Some are corny, but I like this first three:
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, ‘My purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________’
They're simple, aren't they? And if we did them, wouldn't it make a difference? I find often, for instance, I just don't get enough fresh air during the day. I'm stuck at home in front of the computer, and then I get in my car to run errands. Rarely am I actually outside, especially in the winter. But I need to be more. Just buy warm clothes, bundle up, and get out there! It does feel great.
And sitting in silence and asking God to let you know His purpose for the day can make the whole day so much less stressful, too.
I do like #16 as well:
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’
If every teen could remember that, we'd have far fewer depressed teenagers, too!
Anyway, I can't post too much more today because I'm going to go try to drink a whole lot of water and take things easy to see if this headache dissipates. But today, ask yourself, how can I make sure I enjoy life more and feel more joy? And don't forget to ask God, too!
But what if happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be? In fact, what if there's something far deeper that is far more satisfying.
Let's think about this for a moment: what should the aim of our lives really be? Is it to be happy, or is it something else?
And if I say it's something else, does that mean I'll never be happy?
Wow, this gets deep the more we think about it. Why not listen in to this quick 5 minute podcast, a clip of a talk I gave on true peace, that tries to sort this dilemma out.
Every Tuesday I post another quick podcast, usually a clip from a talk I gave. I've talked marriage and romance a bunch lately, and I think I'll move in to some podcasts on parenting in the next few weeks. Do check out the archives and see if there are any fun ones you missed!
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in several newspapers across North America. Sometimes I just love them; other times I write what I really feel, and then have second thoughts. This is one such column.
So tell me the truth: was I too harsh? I do believe what I said, but maybe I should have tempered it more? I feel like if you were a woman suffering with depression, this column would have been hard to read.
Recently, my cousin, a physiotherapist, treated a spry woman a century old. He took the opportunity to ask her what the greatest advance was that she had witnessed over her lifetime. She paused before confidently declaring, “Bars of soap!” Until then, she had struggled with lye to make soap herself. Soap is such a simple thing, but it made her life infinitely easier.
Throughout history women have lived physically difficult lives which carried an emotional toll. It’s not hard to see where that stereotype of the nineteenth century housewife addicted to laudanum came from. And yet I’m not sure our microwaves and our washing machines and our fast food and even our careers have made modern women much happier.
Are we happy? We’re told we should be. After all, from the time we are small, we are told that the sky is the limit! Finally women have been freed from our shackles and we can be fulfilled! In fact, our whole lives should be fulfilling! We are the generation that will reap the benefits of what feminists have fought for.
And then we grow up, have babies who don’t sleep, husbands or boyfriends who seem only to want one thing, and careers which are impossible to juggle with sick babies, day care schedules, and gymnastics lessons. Where is all this fulfillment and happiness we were promised?
Part of the problem, I think, is that we’re aiming for the wrong thing. I can’t think of a worse route to happiness than to always be wondering if you’ve achieved it. After all, if you’re constantly asking yourself, “am I happy?”, you will always find reasons why you’re not. You’re not sleeping well. No one thanks you enough for all you do. You don’t have nice clothes. Your husband can’t figure out what a mop is for. And the list goes on. If you’re constantly saying to yourself, “I’ll be happy when…”, and you can fill in the blank, then chances are you never will be happy. If your wish were to come true, something else would pop up that you want just as much. That’s the nature of the quest for happiness. It’s rooted in circumstances, and it makes us passive recipients of what happens to us.
Instead of aiming for happiness, then, I think we should aim for purpose and character. If we throw ourselves into making a difference in others’ lives, and into living out our values day to day, we’ll have fulfilling lives, because these are the things that ultimately matter. When we focus on our own satisfaction, though, we’re bound to be disappointed because we’re so self-focused. This doesn’t mean that we ignore our own legitimate needs; only that our own feelings aren’t the ultimate arbiter of whether or not our lives are worthwhile.
We all need time to ourselves, and time to rejuvenate. We need people to love, and people who love us in return. But these relationships don’t just magically happen.
The best route to fulfilling relationships is to learn how to love, not to wait around to get the kind of love you want. I’m not talking about becoming a doormat, but waiting for someone to meet all your needs is a guarantee that you’ll always wind up with the short end of the stick. Learning to love yourself, and then learning to love others appropriately and sacrificially is, in the end, far more fulfilling than waiting for your husband or boyfriend or friends or children to become perfect.
Besides, if we decide that our feelings are what matter most, we can act in direct opposition to the values that really feed our souls. We may give up on a marriage too early. We may sacrifice our children’s happiness for a relationship that we want to pursue. We’re focused on the short-term, and in the process we throw away the things that truly give ultimate satisfaction: stable relationships; inner peace that you’ve lived according to your values; even your own personal sense of honour.
Feelings are not a good measure of whether or not you’re fulfilled. A far better one is to see whether or not you’re living out your values. When we live our lives focusing on what is long-lasting and purposeful, we find inner contentment and peace. And ultimately, isn’t that a better route to happiness?
Leave a comment! I'd love to know what you think!
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Dennis Prager today is asking today why women are so depressed. It's a question that's occurred to me, too. At one point, about 80% of the women I knew with young kids were on antidepressants. What on earth is going on?
In part 1 of his thesis he blames feminism. He's not saying that it's all bad; just that there's something unique in it that has hurt women's mental health. Here's what he says:
[M]uch unhappiness comes from having expectations. When our expectations are not fulfilled -- and most are not -- we can become unhappy and even bitter. And when our expectations are fulfilled, we are no happier because fulfilled expectations undermine gratitude (we are not grateful when we get what assume we will get) and gratitude is indispensable to happiness.
Feminism raised women's expectations beyond what life can deliver to the vast majority of them. It was hard enough for women in the past to realize their far fewer expectations of marrying a good man and making a happy family. But feminism told a generation of women that they can not only expect to have that but, perhaps even more important to feminism, they could also expect to have a fulfilling, financially rewarding, society-honoring career.
I think he's right, but only partly.
We raised our expectations so much that fulfillment and happiness became a measure of our self-worth far more than it had been in past generations.
The church then put its own twist on things. Partly as a reaction to feminism the church talked up how great mothering is (and I'm not saying it's not). But the church often talks as if all our needs will be met when we accept our proper roles. And then, like Prager says, if we do find ourselves fulfilled we miss the gratitude part, because we've only achieved what we were supposed to achieve. We still feel like we haven't come far enough.
What if this emphasis on happiness is backwards? What if mothering is not meant to make us happy as much as it is to make us holy, useful, purposeful, content, and even peaceful with our lives? These are quite different things by saying that we are "happy".
We are in the happy wars. Stay at home moms argue that we are "happier" than those who work. Those who work argue that they are "happier" than those who stay home. What if happiness is not the ultimate standard for our lives?
Don't get me wrong; I am happy. But I'm happy not because of the circumstances of my life as much as I am because I have thrown myself purposefully into motherhood and the other ministries God has given me. We need to get over the idea that happiness is the end all and be all.
Happiness, I don't think, is something that can be aimed for. If you try to find happiness it will always elude you. Happiness, instead, is something you stumble upon when you are already on the right path in life.
Was Mother Theresa happy? That's a dumb question. We all know that wasn't the point of her life. And yet I think she found deep joy and deep peace. And because of that, she probably was happy. But she didn't seek her own happiness. She sought God, and the rest followed. We need to do the same thing, instead of trying to set motherhood up almost as an idol that is supposed to meet all our needs.
Tomorrow: Part 2: Why we mistake leisure for happiness.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
Was Mother Theresa happy? That's a dumb question. We all know that wasn't the point of her life. And yet I think she found deep joy and deep peace. And because of that, she probably was happy. But she didn't seek her own happiness. She sought God, and the rest followed. We need to do the same thing, instead of trying to set motherhood up almost as an idol that is supposed to meet all our needs.
