It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
I have a confession to make. My husband and I don't actually have a regular date night. That doesn't mean that we don't spend time alone together; it's just that it's not a regular day of the week.
Now, I've been a big advocate of date nights. I've told you all that you need to schedule time to connect, and time when the kids can't interfere. I've told you to save dinner until after the kids go to bed, or to find a way to be romantic even if it doesn't cost a lot of money.
And it's not that I don't believe that. I do. It's just that there's a bigger issue to me, and it's this:
The reason we need date nights is to find time to actually talk, connect, and share what's going on in our hearts and our lives.
Most couples do not talk about non-logistical things on a daily basis. They may talk about who is going to pick up the kids from soccer, or what camp they're going to this summer, or does that rash look bad, but they don't talk about heart issues. They don't share what they're feeling. Even though they may live under the same roof, they lead almost two separate lives. They don't necessarily do things together. They don't have common interests. And so if they don't carve out that time during the week to connect, it isn't going to happen, and distance will increase.
On the other hand, I've heard people with awesome marriages saying that date night isn't important to them. It's not that they don't believe in dating; it's because they live their lives as if they are one big date. They talk to each other when they see each other the work day. They hug. They kiss. They know what is going on in each other's lives and they ask about it. They text during the day.
That's how my husband and I live. Sure, we may goof off on computers and ignore each other for an hour or two at night occasionally, but we also walk together every night. Spring is now here, so we'll be renewing our membership in the tennis club so we can play tennis several times a week. We bike together. We cook together. We just plain talk.
And if you're doing those things on a regular basis, I'm not sure a date night is the end all and be all.
The question really is: do you enjoy being together? Do you talk about things? Do you know what is going on in each other's lives? Do you each feel valued? If you can answer yes to those, then you're doing great! Don't beat yourself up over a date night.
But if you can't answer yes, then a date night is a good place to start. You just need to rediscover that you enjoy spending time together and talking together. And I think the more you get in the habit of doing that--of actually talking--then the more you will do it in the rest of your life.
I think it is far more important to find activities that you enjoy doing together than it is to go to a restaurant to have dinner once a week. The activities are fun and keep you motivated to be together. The dinner together can feel contrived. And many men find it easier to talk when you are doing things together.
I asked a question on my Facebook page a few months back, "what hobbies do you and your husband share?" One woman wrote back that she took up fishing for her husband's sake, and it saved their marriage. I was intrigued, and we emailed back and forth, and her story made it into my upcoming book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.
Let me summarize it here. Basically, they had been married for twenty years, and were seen as leaders in their church. But their marriage had slowly been going downhill. He spent all his time at elders' meetings and at the gym. She was with the kids. And she was fed up and ready to leave. They had nothing holding them together anymore. No shared interests.
That weekend, after she had made the decision that she would go, the church announced their annual fishing tournament. And Kendra decided that she would go with her husband. So she did. And she caught the biggest fish! But the most important thing she discovered was how much she liked fishing. She liked just sitting there, peacefully, and chatting with her husband.
And now they fish together all the time. When they go into a tackle store to buy stuff (I don't even know what the proper term would be), other men whisper, "I wish my wife would fish!" And her husband beams with joy.
Do they have a date night? I'm not sure. But they do things together, and that leads to talking together, and feeling as if your lives are intertwined.
Many couples say that the biggest problem in their marriage is communication, but I'm not sure that's true. I think communication is often the sign of a deeper problem, not the problem itself. And the deeper problem is that you haven't spent enough time together to build goodwill and to understand how each thinks and feels. Spend time together just doing something--anything--that you enjoy, and communication problems will often get better on their own.
That's why we don't have a date night. We do things together, and so we already feel connected. We don't have to go out to dinner to prove that. So if you aren't communicating with your husband, and if you feel distant, the answer, I believe, is certainly to carve out some time just to talk and have fun. But the more important solution is to find things that you enjoy doing together so that you naturally spend time together, without it having to be forced.
Does that make sense?
Now, how do you keep your relationship alive? Do you shared interests? Or has this been a struggle? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
This afternoon I'm heading out to The Miracle Channel headquarters in Lethbridge, Alberta, to tape a TV show, and then tonight I'm speaking at my last (of 9) Girls Night Out events in Alberta! It's been an amazing tour, and tons of fun, but it really is time to get home.
Anyway, one of the things that's been on my mind lately as we've been driving all over this province is just where my life is heading in the next few years--and my oldest daughter is a big part of that. She'll be leaving home in just two short years, and while I'm excited for her, I'm also a wee mite sad. But when I think about her future, my mind naturally turns to who she's going to marry.
My husband and I are very progressive, and we have decided to let her choose her own husband :) . Here's how it will work: when she's 21, we'll present her with a pool of 20 men, and she can choose from those! See? Isn't that a great idea?
We joke about this a lot in the house, but the truth is that all the guys that she is friends with now would definitely be on the list, as far as I'm concerned. She has a lot of male friends that she talks theology with, and life with, and intellectual stuff with. She seems to gravitate more towards guy friends than girl friends because they're more interested in talking about "stuff that matters" (in her opinion).
While I admire her desire to talk about "stuff that matters", though, I don't think she understands that the guys may actually be thinking about her in a different way. I asked the guys on my road crew this week if it's possible for a teenage guy to have a perfectly platonic relationship with a teenage girl, and the reply I got was, "Of course. If he's gay." Which is pretty much what I thought, too.
So when they were up visiting me last week here in Alberta I had a bit of a talk with her, and told her that I thought it was great she had such a wide circle of friends, but she had to be prepared that one of them was likely going to ask her out soon (it's kind of inevitable), and she had better be prepared about what to say (my preference would be, not now, let's see how things go when we're older). And then she said something rather curious. She said that she didn't think any of them ever would ask her out, because no good guy could ever like her.
Here's a girl who is pretty, who is smart, who is very fun (if I do say so myself), and she's grown up in an extremely secure family. She knows her dad loves her (and he's very affectionate with her). We talk all the time. And she's still insecure about this. It made me rather sad.
I was insecure as a teen, but I had reason to be. My dad had left, my stepfather had left, and I had rather lousy relationships with male role models. But she doesn't. And she still feels like no one good will ever pay her attention.
Why do teenage girls feel this way? What has our society done to them? Is it because she feels as if she'll never be pretty enough? Or she's just not popular enough? Objectively, looking at her, neither of these things could possibly be true, but since when does logic play a part in a teenage girl's emotions?
Now please understand: it is not that I want her to date now. On the contrary, I'd rather she wait until she's 18 or so and marriage is at least a little more possible on the horizon. I think dating at 16, even if it's the guy you're going to eventually marry, is silly, because you can't get married for quite a few years still, and that's a lot of temptation if you're really in love. But at the same time, I know that she'd like to feel that she is at least attractive to the opposite sex, and I don't know that she feels that.
Perhaps this is something that every teenage girl goes through, but it still makes me sad, because she is such a lovely girl in every sense of the word. I wish we females weren't so dependent on males for our self-esteem, but it seems as if that is an intrinsic part of our personality. And so now I am left still trying to convince my daughter that someone is, at some point soon, going to ask her out, and that she had better think about how she is going to handle it and be careful of the signals that she is throwing out there, when she doesn't think that anybody could possibly be interested.
What were you like as a teen? And do you see this in the teen girls you know? When I get home I think I'll take her out for a long dinner and I'll talk to her again about how much God loves her, and how much God has gifted her, and how other people will see that, too. But I do wish she could feel it already.
My two girls are often the envy of some of the other moms in the youth group for one reason--they both have sworn off dating until they're 18. It's not because they're geeks or they're ugly; quite the contrary. They've both been asked out many times (even though my youngest is only 13), but they both give the same answer. They don't date. Dating at this age, they say, is ridiculous.
Several of the junior high moms keep asking my 13-year-old to convince their own girls of that fact, because they feel their girls are too boy crazy.
Perhaps you think this is over the top. I've written about this before, and we are definitely not all in agreement on this one, because many people don't see anything harmful in dating when kids are teens. It helps prepare them for real relationships, so the story goes.
I understand, because I once felt the same way. Josh Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye changed my mind, but it was only the first in a number of things that did it. I want this post primarily to reflect how I raised my kids to agree with this, but here are just a few of the reasons we've adopted this idea with our family:
1. The purpose of dating is to marry. If you're too young to marry, you're likely too young to date. The only repercussion of dating is perhaps a broken heart.
2. Date too long, even if you sincerely love each other, and you open yourself up to a lot of temptation. In fact, perhaps even because you seriously love each other. All those legitimate feelings have nowhere to go, because you can't marry yet.
3. When you date a lot, you often leave same-sex friendships by the wayside, and these are the years that you need to learn how to be a good friend.
4. Similarly, if you date a lot, you may decline other important things, like going on missions trips, or taking jobs, or doing some ministry you might love, because the person you're dating isn't involved. You miss out on finding out who you really are.
We can discuss more in the comments, if you'd like, but I frequently get moms "in real life" asking how I got my girls to agree not to date, and so I'd like to share it with you moms "in cyber space". And if your kids aren't teens yet, read on, because you have to start these things when they're young if they're going to be effective later!
1. Start Early
You can't wait until they hit puberty and then start lecturing them on how dating is counterproductive and can be harmful. Start when they are young children. Otherwise you'll just end up getting into a fight about it. Your kids likely have friends who all want to date, and it's very hard to go against the tide unless you've been brought up to believe that that's what you would do. Teach them, from a young age, that we as a family believe in marriage, not dating, and it's better to wait until you're ready for marriage.
2. Talk Up Marriage
I always talk to my girls about how their aim should be to find someone to marry. And frequently, when we're talking, we talk about what sort of person is important. They want someone who loves God, who they can debate with, who will be a good provider, who will be good to them, who wants to have a close relationship, who doesn't believe in divorce, who does believe in family. And many of these traits don't come out in boys until they're older, anyway.
We also talk about how you could miss this person if you're dating too young, because you could get sidetracked from the one who really is right for you. Dating too often is about self-esteem rather than choosing a mate, and that doesn't bode well for the future.
Part of creating a marriage focus in our house is also watching what media we consume. Cut down on TV time for kids. Don't let them watch shows or movies that are all about teen dating, even if you think the shows are cute. If you're watching a movie that emphasizes dating over marriage, talk to your kids about why that's a dumb idea, and why marriage is really the purpose of dating. Monitor your kids' movie, TV, and music intake to make sure that the stuff they watch actually teaches the values you have. Marriage matters.
We help our kids to focus on marriage, and we talk about where the most likely places are that they will meet such a man. So they're focused on the future, they're not focused on right now.
3. Talk Honestly About Relationships
Talk to your kids about anything and everything. Whenever they want to talk, even when they are little, talk to them. Tell them what you are thinking, too. Don't just let them set the stage; if you think something is important, or if you're confused about something and trying to work it out, tell them. Let them know that your relationship is one in which people can bounce stuff off of each other; that you are a person that they can turn to to talk to.
Then, when they start hitting the age where kids their age are dating (let's say grade 6 or 7), make sure you ask them what they think. Tell them what you think. Encourage them to talk to their friends about it (in a nice way). Help them to be leaders.
The more you talk to them, the more they will come to you. Keep open doors of communication all the time. Find time one-on-one with your kids, even if it's during certain chores, like washing dishes, you always do together, or taking walks or jogging, or chatting before they go to bed.
Talking has another side effect, too. It's not just about explaining why you shouldn't date. Kids who are able to talk to their parents are far less likely to date. They already will have high self-esteem, so they don't have to prove it by finding someone to "like" them.
4. Encourage Your Children's Relationship with Their Dad
Whether you have boys or girls, encourage their relationship with their dad, as much as you can. Girls especially need to feel loved by their father. My husband and I take ballroom dancing lessons every week, but every now and then I get sick and can't go, or I'm out of town. So Keith takes one of the girls, and he teaches them how to dance. It's fun, and it's something they're doing with their dad.
My husband doesn't spend as much time with the girls as I do, but they still love him, and they still talk to him a bunch. Sometimes I encourage them to take walks by themselves. But the other thing I do is that I leave. I speak a lot on weekends, so I'm not here all the time. And when I'm gone, they have their own routine of what they do and what they eat. It's fun.
Don't be afraid to leave your kids with your husband. From a young age, start leaving them occasionally so that your husband is free to establish his own relationship with them. Both girls and boys need that sense that dad thinks they're okay, because if dad thinks they're okay, both genders are less likely to need to date when they're too young.
5. Keep Them Busy with Friends
Encourage your kids to have friends over as much as possible--and mixed groups are absolutely fine. Encourage your kids to have friendships with the opposite sex--as long as that is what they are: friendships. We often have youth at our house, or if there's a youth activity, I'll make sure my girls attend. Kids need friends. But group events are the best to get that need met. This way they learn how to act with the opposite sex, and they'll learn what sorts of character traits are important to them. But they're not as interested in one-on-one (and indeed, they don't have as much time for it).
6. Encourage Hobbies/Jobs/Adventures
Teenage years are great years to discover your giftings, uncover your passions, and learn who God made you to be. Encourage them to do these things. Get them excited about something, whether it's writing a novel, starting a business, earning their own money, or playing the guitar. Encourage them to serve in church, or to go on missions trips. Give them a wide range of experiences, as much as you can, and you'll find they're less likely to fixate on whether or not they have a boyfriend/girlfriend because they're just too busy with better things.
Now I don't believe in making families overly busy, but many of these things teens can do without affecting your time very much. They can practice guitar or piano; they can work on their own business; they can go on missions trips in the summer. Talk to them about what you see in them; affirm the giftings that you see that God has given them, and then look for ways for them to live that out.
My 15-year-old, for instance, has a jewelry business with a friend. They have tables at several craft fairs near Christmas time, and they make a decent amount of income. They spend a lot of time researching their craft, and figuring out what next year's line is going to be.
Rebecca also teaches piano, and works with little children at our church. And she's starting to teach swimming lessons a few hours a week. Now we homeschool, so she's home the majority of the time. I don't know if I'd want my teen involved in that many things if she also went to school, because I'd never see her. But encouraging teens to be involved in things that they're passionate about, and to concentrate on creating something new, is wonderful because it harnesses a lot of their intellectual and emotional energy.
7. Pray Lots
Pray about your children and their relationships and their hearts. Pray for their future spouses--and let them know that you're praying for their future spouses. Many times kids want to date because they're afraid if they don't, they won't get married. Show them that you are confident God will lead them to a spouse, or that God has something even better in store. And show them that dating now can actually undermine these plans.
If you're not nervous, they won't be nervous.
And that's about it! Notice how I haven't said "forbid it" or "ground them for life". That's never been an issue in our home. One day, of course, it may be. The girls might meet someone that they really do love, and might really want to date. They're still young, and I have no guarantee that they'll keep the mentality they have now until they're 18. Would I forbid it?
I'm not sure. I think "forbidding" dating doesn't end a relationship; they just move that relationship to Facebook and phone and texting. I would likely forbid one-on-one dates and just encourage them to spend time at our house, where I am there.
But so far it hasn't been an issue because I'm not trying to be negative about it--"you can't date"--as much as I'm trying to be positive about it--"marriage is worth the wait". And I'm giving them the reasons, and I'm helping them to get involved in other things.
That's worked for us. So if you want your children to put off dating until they're 18 or so, then follow these things. Talk to them a ton. Create a very close family relationship. And pray lots.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
UPDATE: Just thought of one more, so it's really 8 ways to raise a kid who won't date too early: model a great relationship with your spouse. Let them see how marvelous marriage is, and they won't settle for something counterfeit. They'll want that.
And if you're a single parent? That's okay! Just talk about how much you pray and want a strong, healthy marriage for your children. Comment on those who have strong marriages. Talk about the benefits of a strong marriage. Make sure your children know what you want and what you expect, and they're more likely to walk in that direction!
Hi everybody! I'm back from camping! I spent five days in our camper trailer, doing nothing but knitting and reading and eating toasted marshmallows! I knit the cutest little gloves for my daughter Katie from a pattern from a 1950s pattern book. I'll have to post pictures soon! And I finished a cute little tank top.
Anyway, sorry I haven't posted, but here's my column for this week, late as it is! I'll write a bunch of posts tomorrow to make up for it, and schedule them for later this week to unfold while I'm off doing a little more vacationing before myr eal life starts again!
Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
If you tried to rent the movie Date Night recently, chances are you were disappointed. It flies off the shelves because it resonates. A couple’s in a rut. Is packing lunches, loading laundry, heading to work, and cooking dinner enough to make a life great? Or do we have to prove our love by hiring a baby-sitter and heading out on our “date night” once a week?
Many couples choose date night. Hence my oldest daughter was recruited to baby-sit for my friend—let’s call him Sebastien—and his wife, as they left their three little ones to embark on a fun-filled evening. I know it got off to a good start because Sebastien obeyed date night rule number one. He announced on Facebook, an hour into his date night, that he was now turning off his Blackberry so he could spend time with just his wife. There’s dedication for you.
Date night rule number two is that you must eat dinner out, because eating at a restaurant proves love or something. However, restaurant encounters can be tricky. When you’re busy your entire life, it’s hard to just sit there. You have time without the kids. Why not hurry so we can get some stuff actually done? But you don’t, because that’s not romantic. You must sit at Swiss Chalet and look deeply into each others’ eyes and talk about something other than children’s bowel habits. It’s tough.
Nevertheless, Sebastien and his wife apparently lived through the prolonged dinner and headed to the movie theatre, only to discover that Inception, their movie of choice, didn’t start until 10:00. But date night rule number three is that you must always seem delighted about everything, even if you have two hours to kill in a theatre lobby filled with 14-year-olds playing arcade games. Whatever you do, don’t think how much better it would be if you were home, with the kids all tucked in bed, watching a video.
Time crawled by and finally the movie began for our intrepid heroes. But after a week of work and kids and mowing the lawn Sebastien was tired. And thus he broke rule number four: he fell asleep. When he awoke and tried to watch the movie, he couldn’t follow it at all. But did he ask his wife? Did he pay closer attention? No. He decided if he was this far gone, he may as well break rules 5-17 all at once. He whipped out his Blackberry, and updated his status on Facebook to announce to the world that he had fallen asleep. In a movie. On his date night. And then over the next hour he replied to all of his comments.
After it was all over, Sebastien paid my daughter enough to feed a Third World village for a week and drove her home. I have no idea what happened after that, but given that it was already 1:00 in the morning and they were rather tired, I’ll bet they turned in.
Here’s my question: is that really so bad? After all, in Inception, our hero desperately tries to escape a dream world to come back to his real one—a world lacking adventure, but full of family. Since Sebastian never understood what was going on, allow me to enlighten him. At the end of the movie, when our hero is home with his kids, he spins a top. If the top falls over, it’s the real world. If it doesn’t, it’s a dream. But the movie ends without telling us what happened, just so that couples on date nights would have something to debate on the way home.
Personally, I wanted it to be his real life. Adventure can be awfully overrated. Love, even if it’s everyday, predictable, and routine, is priceless. Even if sometimes we sleep through it.
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It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Yesterday, I wrote a post on how to encourage our kids towards courtship rather than mindless dating.
Today I want to talk to us as married couples: do we still "court"? Do you still try to woo each other?
One thing that my husband and I still do is play. We joke with each other, we laugh with each other. He even chases me sometimes! Play is good for the soul. My girls have grown up hearing us laughing and teasing and pretending to pout so the other person has to make it up to us, and all kinds of silly things. It's fun! It's terrible being serious all the time.
We also try to have date nights occasionally. We don't do it once a week, because that's just not practical with our schedule. But we do take walks together almost every night, and we take ballroom dancing lessons during the winter on Thursday nights (which then becomes our date night, even if it's not year round).
I've always believed that the more fun you can have with your spouse, the less stress you will feel at other points in your life. Your spouse is a great stress-reliever, if you keep the relationship strong, because you know you're not going through life alone.
Finding that time alone, though, can be a challenge for two reasons. First, the kids are underfoot, and there's so much that needs to be done with the kids, and second, money is usually an issue. How can you date when you don't have money for dinner and a movie, let alone a baby-sitter?
Solution? Don't go to dinner and a movie and hire a baby-sitter. Do something else. Here are some ideas for low-cost dating from the blog Many Little Blessings:
Candle lit dinner after the kids are in bed (or while they watch a movie) — our favorite place to do this is our screened in porch
Board games (we love Scrabble, but play other games as well) or Puzzles
One of us sitting at the counter while the other one is cooking or baking (yeah — this doesn’t sound like a date, maybe, but we really enjoy it and it is some great time to talk)
Play video games against each other after the kids are in bed (although this can bring the kids out of their beds to see what in the heck is going on)
IM each other while you’re both in the house with, um, perhaps more risque messages
Teach each other about a favorite craft, hobby, or interest
Give each other massages
Reading aloud to each other (although we usually do this as a family activity nowadays)
I love the candle-lit dinner after kids go to bed. One night, make them their chicken fingers or something easy, and make you something that you both really enjoy, that the kids always go "EEwwwww" at. Cook just for you. And then enjoy it together!
Picnics work well.
I also love anything active. One of my favourite memories of when we were dating was getting into a water fight. I'm not a sports person, but the times that we laugh the most are when we're doing something physical: I'm trying to steal something from him, or I'm trying to catch him. He's just so much stronger and faster, the whole thing becomes such a farce I end up winning because he's laughing so hard.
So play soccer, or frisbee, or catch, or anything!
I love bike rides, too. And if you need a baby-sitter, try trading with a friend. Or catching some moments when they're in bed. Another thing to do is to limit DVD use with your kids. Don't let them watch movies very often. But then every now and then, pull them out so that Mommy & Daddy can have some time together. That way the DVDs are special, and they're more likely to stay engrossed, but they also learn that sometimes you need privacy!
What do you do for a cheap date? What do you do that makes you and your husband laugh together? Let's get some ideas going in the comments, and then I'll publish a new post with a long list of date ideas, using everything you gals have said!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Do you have great ideas on how to "Date While Married"? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
My daughters are involved in Bible Quizzing. It sounds geeky, and it is. But the kids have a great time! This year we're learning Luke, and they learn it inside and out. Typical question would sound like this: Question 3 is a Multiple Answer question: Take nothing for your journey, what? Answer: No staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Like I said, it's obscure.
Kids can start in grade 6 and go to grade 12, and we have four regional meets each year. Our region has about 160 kids in it this year from seven different churches. The top 10 quizzers from each district go to the Internationals in Pennsylvania in July.
Anyway, Rebecca started last year at age 12/13. She won second highest rookie for the year, and won a big award for Best Overall New Quizzer. Yesterday we had our first meet for this year. My daughter Katie just did amazingly well (she's 11) and she won Top Rookie. My nephew Alex, whom we homeschool, won 2nd best rookie. And he hasn't even really gone to church until we started homeschooling him last April! But he's having a great time. And Rebecca placed within reach of making the international team.
To get a feel for it, here's a little video from last year (I didn't tape yesterday; I was too busy coaching). Last year was the epistles. Rebecca's the one in the forefront in the tiara. (Just for information, in the background people are saying, "Come on, Quinte!". That's not her name. It's the name of our church (Quinte Alliance).
They are sitting on these little pads which are hooked up to a main board, and the first one off their butt clicks a little buzzer off, so they get to answer the question.
Anyway, the kids have a great day, and we have a great time practising!
But the neat thing is all the other kids you meet there. These are all families who love God, love the Bible, and want their kids to learn it. And the kids are on board, or they wouldn't do the work!
I know it sounds really boring, memorizing the minutiae of all these Bible books, but the kids have a great time at the meets, and they get to know a lot of other teens, and love hanging out together. And we do lots of fun things at practices! And best of all, when you get these verses in your head as a kid, they'll never leave you.
Anyway, on to the topic at hand. Now, I figure that who you marry is too big a decision to leave to the kids themselves. After all, this affects their whole lives, and we agonize over what camp to send them to, or what soccer team they should belong to. How can we leave it to them to decide who to marry?
Obviously I'm being a little fecetious, but on Saturday I met a woman who feels exactly the same way as me. And she has two boys, 14 and 16. They're cute. They're brilliant. They're both on the international team. They're homeschooled and interested in missions. They both had poppies on for Remembrance Day (do you do that in the United States? That's a big thing here in Canada). Supporting our troops means a lot to me. They're articulate. Keith even sat down with one and just talked for twenty minutes and was very impressed. So their mother and I agreed that our children could marry each other. We shall exchange phone numbers in 7 or 8 years.
And there were two other boys there I really liked, too. So I'm telling Rebecca she has a choice. I'll provide a pool of about twenty boys, and she can choose. That's generous, isn't it? :).
Katie I've already reserved for a wonderful friend of mine who has a 12-year-old boy who is already in love with her. I really like this boy. He has a servant's heart, and he'd be great for her. Of course, she has no interest and they're not allowed to date until they're 18, but I feel wonderful now that I have all this sewn up.
When the kids are older they may demand a say in it. I hate it when kids do that! But for now, I am happy just knowing that such boys exist and are out there, ready for my daughters!
My heart goes out to Sarah and Todd Palin. This must be so difficult.
I don't know how I'd react if my 17-year-old came home and told me she were pregnant. I think I'd feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me. That's not how she was raised, after all.
So let's talk about how to raise kids to minimize the possibility of this happening. You can never eliminate the possibility; people do, after all, have free will, and children will not always do what you wish they would. Even in the big things.
But there are a few things that I do plan on doing with my daughters.
One: they aren't allowed to date until they are 18, though at 16 I'm willing to consider it (more on that later). I know that sounds extreme. I know many will think I'm absolutely nuts. But teenaged dating does not lead to anything good. If you haven't read I Kissed Dating Good-Bye, you have to. I thought Harris was crazy at first, but by 2/3 in he had convinced me.
My oldest daughter has read it, and she's firmly on board.
But, that being said, realistically I don't think you can tell a child that she's absolutely not allowed to date until she's 18, because many kids move out right at 18. Then all this freedom comes all at once. I would rather that she start exercising a bit of freedom while she's still living with me, but she would have to demonstrate some maturity and some commitment to God.
I also think that at some point kids have to internalize these lessons themselves. We can't control our children, especially when they get older, and when they leave home they will have plenty of opportunity to get into trouble. The only thing keeping them out of trouble will be their own convictions. So we have to work on helping them find their own convictions.
At the same time, it's silly to invite trouble. And even kids with great convictions don't necessarily hold up when temptation is at hand. So it will always be a rule in our home that if you're unmarried, you're not alone in a room with a door closed, and you're not cuddled in the basement under a blanket watching a movie. Sound extreme? Again, I'm not apologizing. I think it's just necessary.
I do trust my daughters. Right now, at the tender ages they are, they seem to have very open hearts to God. But you never know what may happen, and the late teen years are difficult ones. We have to steer them carefully.
I think allowing our children to date indiscriminantly at a young age is not steering them clearly (this isn't a reflection on the Palins; I have no idea what their rules were). But your child is the most precious thing God granted you. If you think they're headed for trouble, stop them. Don't just sit there helplessly! If you don't like their boyfriend, do something.
Sure there will come a time when they're too old, and they won't listen to you. But that doesn't mean you throw in the towel at 14, or 15, or 17. When you have authority, exercise it. Don't let them date young, and when they do date, interview your daughters' dates. Teach them to listen to God. And don't let them be alone with their boyfriends.
(All the same holds true if you have sons, by the way. It's just that I don't, so my perspective is as a mom of girls!)
Rebecca suggested yesterday that Keith gets a bat and a dirty shovel and puts them by the couch when he interviews her future dates, years from now. She thinks that sends the right message. And I'm glad she likes the fact that we're protective of her!
I feel like the main storyline in our house this year is dealing with the fact that my 13-year-old is growing up. She looks mature. She acts mature. And boys are noticing.
She's been asked out several times, but she's read I Kissed Dating Good-Bye and she's determined not to date until she's old enough to court. We've also made a no dating until 18 rule, and she's content to stick to it. She's a great kid. Have I mentioned how grateful I am for her lately?
But boys are definitely pestering her! Yesterday at church one boy was following her around and acting silly as Keith and Rebecca were walking to the car. And he said, "you think I can't bug you now?" (I think he was talking about tickling, but I don't know). Anyway, apparently she said, "Well, I have my bodyguard with me," at which point he started laughing and saying how he could "take" Keith. Which he totally couldn't. I think he was just trying to look cool by dissing the parent.
Which is not the way to impress my daughter.
She just thought he was stupid. But I like that line: "I have my bodyguard with me". That's how she sees Keith. He's her protector, the one who is going to make sure that she doesn't get into trouble.
It's good to give kids rules, because then they do feel protected. And it gives her cover. If a boy asks her out, she doesn't have to say, "I don't like you," or "I think you're gross." She can simply say, "My parents don't let me date. Sorry!" And leave it at that. It's really much easier on her.
She does like boys. And I think she's quite flattered by all the attention. But she'd like to go back to when they were all just friends and hung out, and it's too bad everyone is so eager to move on.
But at least she knows that we will always be there for her.
On the weekend we bought Rebecca, my 13-year-old, Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. She demolished it in less than a day (it's 214 pages long). She loved it.
I am one happy mother.
I read the book for the first time myself maybe seven years ago. I totally disagreed with him until about 2/3 of the way through when he won me over.
His premise is that dating is dumb and unChristian to boot. What we should be interested in is courtship--serious relationships with the intention of moving towards marriage. Anything that isn't going in that direction isn't right. There's too much room for temptation and heartache, and, even more importantly (and this is how he won me over), there's an opportunity cost to dating. When you're heavily involved in a relationship as a teen, even if you remain pure, you don't focus on friendships. You may forego missions trips because you don't want to be away from your girlfriend/boyfriend. You spend your life investing in someone else rather than investing in your relationship with God.
If this person is the right person for you, they will still be there when you're twenty or so and can begin to seriously think about marriage. So don't waste your prime growing years at 15 on dating.
I dated a lot in high school. I would never want my girls to date in the same way. I had my heart broken so many times, and stepped a bit over the line too many times. It was not good. But it was so much a part of who I was I couldn't picture my girls not dating.
But I've now grown used to the idea. My husband and I hadn't actually formulated a policy on dating until the last year or two, but other families that we're close to and that the girls talk to fairly frequently have the rule of no dating until 18.
So the day that Katie turned 9, I ran into her room and hugged her and said, "You're halfway there!". I meant halfway to being an adult. But she replied, "I know!!!! I'm halfway to being allowed to date!".
We had never told her she couldn't date. She just assumed it. And I thought, then and there, let's go with that.
But what we've now told our kids is, no dating until 16, at which point we will reopen the subject. I do think kids should be able to experience maximum freedom while they are still living at your home, rather than as soon as they go away to school, because then they can go crazy at school. But I want the no dating thing to be something they embrace on their own, not because it's a rule from us. Several of their friends have, so I'm hoping that's where their peer group from church takes them.
I do have several friends who started dating in high school and are now married. They would say that it worked for them. But I still think I'm with Harris on this one. It's a great book, and if you have a teen, maybe you should get them to read it, too.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
changed my mind, but it was only the first in a number of things that did it. I want this post primarily to reflect how I raised my kids to agree with this, but here are just a few of the reasons we've adopted this idea with our family:
