It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up in the comments!
For the last few weeks I've been madly embarking on a new writing project. I have a new book on marriage that's due at the publishers in March (I'll tell you more about it soon, hopefully in the next few weeks, once everything is signed), and I have thus been contemplating this strange and wonderful relationship called marriage.
Truthfully, I believe that for many people, it just isn't that wonderful. For many of us it is, but quite a few of us are walking through life feeling as if the person who should care most for us in the world really doesn't. They love and value what we can do FOR them, but they don't necessarily love and value US--or at least that's what it feels like.
They want us to keep the house clean, look after the kids, and care for their sexual needs, but they aren't really willing to care for our own emotional needs, or to help out around the house or just show common courtesy. I've witnessed a lot of these relationships in real life, and it just makes me sad.
God did not intend for us to use each other. He didn't intend for us to complete each other in the sense that we lose ourselves caring for another person who doesn't care back. I'm not saying that if you're in a relationship like that that the relationship is thus not valid, and you should leave it. Not at all. I'm just a little sad right now.
I've received some emails from readers of this blog commenting on my post "Lean on Me" from Monday, where I talked about how I needed friends. And I wrote about how I've decided I'm going to get together with other women more. But what do you do, they asked independently of each other, if your husband resents you going out? If he gets mad if he has to make his own dinner?
How do you reply to that? I sent some suggestions, and I prayed, but it's difficult, isn't it? If you have a wonderfully caring husband, that's great, but the truth is that many of us don't.
And that's why I want to write this next book--to hopefully offer some suggestions that people can take early in their marriage, before these patterns of behaviour get set, that can help us establish a relationship that is truly loving, where both partners long to give to one another.
It's not easy, and one of the hardest areas is sex. I don't know very many couples who don't end up fighting over frequency.One partner wants to make love more often than the other, and compromise isn't always easy or even possible. What do you do when one never wants to, and one wants to all the time? And it isn't always the man who wants it constantly--in about 30% of relationships it's the woman with the larger sex drive.
I'm trying to compile some actual statistics about this, and so I've set up a survey that's completely anonymous and very quick to take. If you would be so kind as to fill it out, I'd so appreciate it!
But here is one thought to leave you with, if you're struggling today: concentrate on an area of strength for you. If your husband and you often fight over frequency of sex, or over whether you get enough time for yourself, or whether he listens to you enough, let that go for the rest of the week. And ask yourself: what do we do well together? Do we play board games well together? Do we love debating? Do we have a great time working out together? Find something that you do well together, and then just do it. Often we relate so much in our areas of weakness that our areas of strength fall by the wayside.
So try, for the rest of the week, just to have fun, however you do that together. When you can build goodwill, then the other areas of conflict tend to either diminish in importance or become easier to solve.
Here, then, are your assignments:
1. Have fun with your husband in some way this week! Plan it, think about it, and do it.
3. Tell me, in the comments, if you've ever felt lonely in your marriage (or if you still do). What did you do to overcome that? Have any tips? You can comment anonymously if you want to.
Hmmm, I probably could write a book about this from our marriage.
No one prepared me for marriage, no one.
When we first married, it was obvious no one had prepared him either.
He thought being head of the house meant he got to tell me what to do all the time. If I wanted to do something different from him, my wants went by the wayside and we did what he wanted to do. Always.
It has taken years for him to learn his proper role as the leader of our home. He had no one to teach him. His father died when he was young, and all of the male role models he had were all bullies. He learned to use anger to control people, that was how he was controlled at home by his mother.
Thankfully, over the years, we have had some great helps, mostly I would say from different speakers on Focus on The Family. It would just happen, that someone would be talking about what we needed most at certain times, and thankfully with the help of the Holy Spirit, we listened and learned.
I could have given up, years ago, but it has been worth it to stick it out. God has changed him in many ways, and is still working on him. At the same time, I can see areas of my life where I needed change too, and with God's grace I believe I've made some changes in the right direction, & thankfully He's still working on me.
Being married is hard, and it takes two people who are equally committed to stick it out through the tough times.
There are days honestly when we're working through something really hard, I have thoughts, "if only..." but the reality of that statement is only a false lure. We're all imperfect people, so leaving him and finding a new person would not solve all the problems. There would just be a new set of problems. Our imaginations can make us think other people have perfect marriages, everything flows perfectly for others, yada yada yada... but the truth is, we're all hopelessly flawed, imperfect, sinners. Two sinners who need Divine grace daily, and realize they need to give that grace too. It doesn't come easy, it has to be learned.
Just yesterday my husband called, and was ready to quit his job over something that to me seemed trivial. In the past I probably would have told him so, and that would have caused a huge hurt and an arguement. I've learned, sometimes he just needs a safe place to vent, so when he calls and tells me these things, I just listen, even if I don't agree with the way he see's things, I have to realize I'm not there, I have to just trust him and listen to him. He has to know I'm on his side. And that's all it amounted to. By the time he called back yesterday afternoon, he had calmed down, a totally different person, and was resolved to stay w/ his job.
I could have freaked out, cried, told him what I think he should do, but instead, God has taught me over the years to just listen, and then take those things to Him in prayer, and trust Him with the outcome. I saw God soften his heart on the issue, and find peace where he didn't think there was any.
I have learned that praying for my husband is one of the best marriage tools I have. I am not his Holy Spirit, he answers to God not me, and so when I turn the tough times over to God, and my husband over to God, I see things change in our lives, in ways that I could never have brought about by my own power.
I guess that would be my one tip, prayer, and also a submission to God's word on my role as a wife, it's important to honor God, in the role He made specifically for me.
You posted earlier about initiating, and what you said in that post was very helpful, to our situation.
I think I've just gotten myself into a rut, not thinking about how things used to be. I just let him be the thermostat, setting the temperature. I now realize, I can be the thermostat, and in just a short amount of time (since that post) there is a huge difference in his demeanor. I hadn't realized how badly he needed me to need/want him.
You've given us all a great tip there!
As far as being lonely in marriage, I think for us, my social needs are different from his, he loves being home every night after work. He never plans much away from me or the kids, and so he isn't very understanding when I try to share my need for interaction with other women, the need to be with friends more often. He has a tendancy to misjudge women like that and say they're just looking for excuses to ignore their duties at home. (There is a proper balance that women do need to keep, I've seen some neglect husband, children and home all for the sake of their "girlfriend time") I am quick to remind him of the differences between women and men, when it comes to this. And how our needs are different.
When I do try to plan things with friends (which is rare)I meet w/ them when he is at work, so that it doesn't take away from our time at home. Every now and then I'll do something w/ friends in the evening, but not that often, out of respect to him.
When stating our needs to our spouses, we also have to take into consideration their needs or desires, and respect them. By communicating in that tone of respect, they are more likely to understand our need. If we demand something and accuse them of not understanding, they're more likely to withdraw and not discuss the matter. I hope that's a helpful tip. :o)
I am alone in my marriage. God helps me and comforts me. My good friend is always there for me. I see marriage in terms of commitment, of salvation and holliness. I got no easy, satisfying marriage. But I already can see miracles that Lord is doing when I accept it, bless it and just follow his will. I serve, and I am most of the times happy.
Good article, Sheila. Here is my doctoral article on 'managing anger in marital conflicts': http://edhird.wordpress.com/2009/09/25/managing-anger-in-marital-conflict/
Here is a simplified version of that article: http://www3.telus.net/st_simons/cr0907.html
I have ups and downs of loneliness in my marriage. I had a very sad, lonely day yesterday.
After having been married for eight years, I knew that it would pass. I was having a petty pity party. We were both making little mistakes about caring for one another here and there. He had said and done something that hurt my feelings. I went into shut down mode (a.k.a. the cold shoulder). But I knew that my attitude needed a little kick in the pants. In other words, it wasn't all him.
While my husband isn't perfect (whose is?), I've been blessed with a pretty great one. So, I'll hang on to him.
So yesterday, when he came home (knowing that I hadn't been happy with him all day) and asked me what was wrong, I said, "If I say what I want to say, it's just going to hurt you. We're going to get into a fight. And that's not what I want. I just got my feelings hurt and I know I'll be over it in a day or so." We talked a little bit. And you know what? I'm over it.
Part of what I did to combat some of those negative bitter feelings was focus on being thankful. It's hard to harbor bitterness in the midst of gratitude.
Thank you for a hard-working husband (even if he works more hours than most) because I get to stay home with the kids. We have a nice home, food to eat, clothes to wear. I'd rather have a hard-working husband than a bum who doesn't work and expects me to not only bring home the paycheck, but also do the cooking, cleaning, raising of children, etc.
Thank you that my husband is faithful. How much more difficult would this marriage be if he weren't?
Thank you that my husband loves me, with all my flaws and idiosyncrasies, and never tries to change who I am.
By the end of the day, instead of wanting to pummel him with a battery of hurtful words, I knew that my irrationality would subside. Sometimes you can't take back hurtful words. So I chose to just not put them out there.
Trust me, I don't do it all the time. And gratitude is not my strong suit. However, I'll just keep trying to be thankful. Because I really do have a lot to be thankful for.
it's funny...a few nights ago i cried myself to sleep feeling so lonely in my marriage. we hadn't had a date in 2 months, he was always busy, and let's be honest, he is very often selfish and hurtful. Then we had a date last night and the past two days have been the best that we have had in months & months! That night I had prayed for the Lord to remind me to be thankful and to change my attitude. Sometimes I feel like He gives us these really special times and the joy that they bring can keep us going through several not so great months. Just praising Him right now for this blessing!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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no tips but here's my post on marriage today: http://www.theshadesofpink.com/2010/12/midweek-buzz-great-green-giant.html