Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here's this week's!
Advice comes in all shapes and sizes, from the really bad—“form a coalition with the Bloc Quebecois!”—to the really good—“don’t buy stuff you can’t afford.” Just for fun, I recently asked readers on my Facebook page about the worst advice they had ever been given.
Many people seemed to regret their education. They didn’t pursue dreams because they were supposed to go to university, and now they have debt and no real joy in their jobs. Others, of course, regretted not getting an education in the first place.
But the vast majority of the litany of complaints had little to do with jobs and lots to do with relationships. Manipulation 101, for instance, was resented by scads of people. One woman wrote how early in her marriage her mother had told her she had better “lay down the law with her husband” if she wanted him to do things her way. Another woman’s mom said the same thing: “marry someone you can push around.” And aunts got in on the picture, too: “buy a book on training puppies and use it on him!” Then there’s the whole “withhold affection to get you what you want” line. I’m not sure how making one’s spouse miserable is supposed to make you happy, but it was a common theme nonetheless. Or how about “encourage your husband’s affections by flirting with other men”? Jealousy promotes closeness, does it? And then there’s “let him suffer a bit before accepting an apology.” Who would want to do something mundane like forgiving so you can build intimacy again?
The decisions to start a family were also quite frequently lambasted. I had his myself: when I was working on my Master’s degree, a graduate supervisor congratulated me on my miscarriage, saying that now I would be able to pursue my Ph.D. unhindered. I still hold my head in shame that I didn’t give her an earful at the time. But it seems many in academia and the job world hold similar disparaging views of marriage or motherhood. One teacher reports she was told she was too talented to waste herself by getting married. Others were told not to waste their intelligence by staying home with the kids.
But probably the saddest responses were from the women who were told they should have abortions. Those respondents now ache for what they’re missing.
I’m sure we could all rattle off our own lists of truly awful advice, but when you look at all of these, they can all be summed up in this one little gem: “Don’t worry about anyone else. Do what is best for you!” That’s the kind of advice people crave when they’re trying to justify an affair, or a ridiculous purchase, or ignoring one’s family. It’s not the kind of advice, though, that is going to help one iota at building real happiness.
Doing what seems best for us, with no thought to others, means that we lead pretty lonely lives because we push others away. Life without love at the centre is hardly gratifying. When you’re trying to make an important decision, then, and someone is giving you advice, ask yourself: will this advice make me lonelier, or will it build relationship? Does it honour my values, or does it try to take shortcuts? And if it doesn’t build love, chuck it. That’s what this woman decided to do: “I just looked at my mother’s life and decided I didn’t want to be anything like her,” she said. “So everytime my mother gave advice, I went out and did the exact opposite!” In all too many cases, that’s the best advice you could follow.
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My hubby just sent me a text thanking me for the lunch I made him. It was a really simple sandwich lunch, yet he's grateful. Made my day!
It made me smile, because isn't it amazing how easy it is to make someone's day? Just say thank you! Acknowledge something that they've done. Smile back.
It doesn't have to be huge, but little acts of kindness can go so far, both within our families and with complete strangers. I know I've been in a horrible mood on several occasions, and then I've ventured out of doors, and a nice old man has held the door in a shop open for me, and smiled at me, or a clerk has been particularly pleasant, and it changes your whole demeanor.
Or my husband has called home for no reason, just to say "I love you".
Why is it that we so often get so caught up in how busy we feel, how put upon we feel, how tired we feel, that we forget how easy it can be to make someone else's day? And when we make someone else smile, we often make ourselves smile in return.
My husband and I practice this so much that it's become second nature. But when we were going through a particularly rough patch in our marriage, when we were under a lot of stress when our son was son so ill, it was suggested to us that we draw up a list of small things that the other person could do that would be kind and that would show us love. The rules: it couldn't involve sex, it couldn't cost anything, and it had to be quick.
So we made our lists. They weren't onerous things. Mine had things like give me a nice kiss when you come home, hug me a lot, ask me how my day was, bath the kids for me, write me a note. His weren't that big a deal either: when I come home, greet me at the door. Tell the kids what you love about me. Say something nice about me to one of my friends.
And yet, as easy as these things are to do, it's amazing how often we go through an entire day and don't do them. We get caught up in what we feel that we fail to reach out and do something that means a lot to the one person in the world that we should care the most about.
Practice being nice to your spouse. Say thank you. Figure out what makes them tick, and then do it. Even if you're not feeling it. Because once you start acting it, the feelings often come. And if we get in the habit of trying to do nice things for others, we'll likely lighten our own mood as well.
What can you do to make someone's day today? Got an idea? Then go do it! And don't forget to smile.
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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